Crazy Ass Life

It's been awhile

2009-05-25T06:40:00.000-07:00

I realized today just how long it has been since I have posted anything. I have no idea where to begin.

My life is still crazy and it seems every time I take one step forward I get pushed two steps back.
The lawyer I chose I seem to have lost faith in. When I went at the beginning of the month to start the divorce he didn't even have the papers. Said he forgot them at his main office. So just this past Wednesday I finally signed them. But not before I found out that "the other woman" has to sign a affidavit that is notarized and a copy of her drivers licence. This was all not told to me during the consultation. I am hoping this woman does sign and I can be divorced.

With the papers in process LR seems to be sniffing around a little more often. In one week he stopped by without calling 3 times. Claims he is dropping off my mail. There are two things wrong with this. First its all junk mail. Second he never did this before, my daughter always brought it home after visits with him. So what the fuck is the deal here? During one of the stops he grabbed me and hugged me and then really quick kissed me. Ewhhh I am sure the girlfriend would not approve. By the way I never let him in and he stands at the door on the outside. ha ha ha ha.

As for my love life. I am still single and alone. However this past Friday I ran into some people I knew when LR and I had our Harley. Well there was this guy there who said I could ride with him. So we all went for a ride and hit a couple places for a drink. It was fun but this guy is now interested in me. I told him flat out I am not looking for a relationship and I thought we were cool. So Saturday we did the same thing all took a ride and had a great time. There was a huge group of us. Now this guy is just like a leech so I have to now lose him. I just don't get men. Is it a since of a challenge when I say I dont want anything but to be friends?

Work sucks like always but I am happy to have a job. My daughter has been wonderful and now the school year is almost over and I have to find activities to keep her busy so that is my goal for this week.

Happy memorial day to everyone.

Sense of accomplishment

2009-05-05T18:21:00.000-07:00

Well today is Tuesday and I feel like I have accomplished allot. I am ready to see my lawyer tomorrow and all my paper work is completed for the bankruptcy. Its more like I book I might add. Took me hours to do. That doesn't include the online 30 minute class I had to take. That was a joke. It went thru CCCS which is consumer credit counselors. I had to pay to do that. $50.00. I thought that was all non profit and free. I had to do it for the courts tho so I guess there is my answer. Also while I am there I get to sign my divorce papers. Whew that is coming to a end finally. Cant believe it. My life is moving forward. Finally!

I havent been sleeping and I dont really know why. Things to be going so well right now but yet I cant sleep like I use to. I hope this phase ends soon.

Nothing to speak of in the world of men. I have none and no interest at the moment. I do feel like I am ready to date. Not settle down but date. It would be great to have someone to do things with and a little romantic envolvlement. I guess that comes with time.

Unexpected Feelings

2009-05-03T10:05:00.000-07:00

So its Sunday and I am just chilling out today. I have had a nice weekend doing what I have missed the most. Cooking and hanging out with my daughter and her friend. We went to dinner and a movie last night. Saw 17 again and was amazed that it was a really good movie. I thought it was going to be the same old thing, but it wasn't. What I mean by doing what I missed the most is when I was married I would wake up every weekend and cook for my family and do the domesticated things. Like clean, cook, pick up friends for my daughter and just be a family. I have really missed that. Now I am having to drop her off with her father and you really cant cook big meals for just the two of us. Having her friend over this weekend just bought all those feelings back. I love it. I have to do more of that. I hate divorce for this reason it takes the family aspect away. But I am happy he is gone and all that bullshit towards the end that he bought with him.

Feeling #2 that was unexpected...I went to the lawyer Wednesday and had him draw up the paper work and went over what was to be in the agreement. When I walked out I felt empty. I am 34 almost 35 and I have been married more than half of my life. I walked out feeling a part of my identity is gone. Don't get me wrong I want this but I have also always been known for being married to LR. Now that part of me is gone and I have to find a new identity. Does anyone out there understand this????? I didn't expect to feel this way. The emptiness the sense of being alone and trying to become a new person. Its crazy.....one part of me is happy the other is confused. Don't get me wrong I dont want him back he bought to much drama with him. But I am now having identity issues.

I did the right thing I believe this weekend by just having fun with my daughter and not hanging out with my friends. It helps being around her and reafirming to me what is important. I love her friends and I love watching her have fun and be a kid. Mind you I dont think they slept but thats the fun part at there age. She is awesome and made honor roll again and also another award. She amazes me that she is doing better than ever in school while her parents fell apart. High 5 to her.

This Wednesday I say the divorce papers and then they get mailed to LR to sign. Within 3 months this will all be official.

Whew its been awhile

2009-04-28T18:39:00.000-07:00

I understand it has been awhile since I have posted anything but my life seems to have become a little bit crazier. Not in a bad way this time. Just seems I don't have enough time in my day anymore. I kinda like it. It keeps me busy and my mind off of all of the bullshit in my life.

For instance, Friday was my 3 month check up. I show up of course your standard 10 minutes early in the hopes you can get in and get out early. Oh NO! the doctor was a hour late. This is not the norm for my doctor. But the one time I had plans he was behind. I wanted to get my oil changed and I knew the cable guy was coming. So I had to skip the oil change. So that is back on the to do list. Damn it!

Saturday I went to the race track and enjoyed myself. Caught some rays and caught up with some friends. Our buddy came in second place so I was happy to be cheering him on. Then my girlfriend called and said she found a sitter and did I want to meet up with her. So I ran from the track when that was completed to meet her. Ended up seeing old friends and staying out later than I should have. The Coors light guy seems to be a little afraid of me it seems. I am way more outgoing than he is.

Sunday was my day from hell. I mean that literally. My apartment was a fucking hot box. The a/c was not working and the skylights my landlord installed made it that much worse. So I was miserable so was my daughter and we got no sleep. Which made Monday horrible. Everyone hates Mondays anyway and now we are sleep deprived on top of it. This is the topper my computer took a shit on me to. So no computer for me. EWHHHH what a day.

So Monday I called the landlord and complained big time. He assured me he would bring me a new unit. We also had to go out to eat because lord knows I cant eat in the heat and I wasn't about to use the stove and make it worse.

Today I came home and landlord was here putting in new a/c and my cousin was right behind him. My cousin is a computer genius. But he said he couldn't fix this. My computer was old and needs updated I realize that. But how am I going to pay for it? My kid needs it for school and I need it for the usual stuff. So my step-mom came to my rescue again. Here I am with some a/c and a new computer. Whoo hooo

I can say things seem to be going in the right direction for me. I am very grateful for how far I have come. I am doing things on my own with a little help here and there but the one thing I have learned you don't need to hang onto that desire to have that someone in your life. Either a man or a woman. You need to find out who you are and that you can make it on your own.
I realize LR truly was holding me back in so many ways with his addictions. However I am starting to see that I maybe one of them. More about that at a later time. He is sniffing around again.

Cheers to all.

Its my Friday

2009-04-23T12:07:00.000-07:00

Whooo hoo today is my Friday. However not for any fun reasons. Tomorrow I have a doctors appointment, its my 3 month check up for my nether regions. Ughhh, yep its that time again. So I am not really looking forward to that. But its suppose to be beautiful out and I will also get my oil change and other errands. So I will make it a good day. Maybe clean the truck.

Today LR called and was telling me he got a job. I scratch my head and think why are you telling me this????? He was telling me where it was and how we know the owners brother blah blah blah. I mean I am happy he got a job is no longer a complete piece of shit anymore and this will mean more money for my daughter. But I just cant figure out why he would just a couple hours after the interview. Then my aunt said well duh....he will now try and get you back. LIKE FUCK! that will never happen. She maybe right because he has just been way to nice and willing to do whatever for me. This is his pattern and I gave in before. I am not sure I even want to be his friend. Who the fuck knows. I will be nice and try to grow up a little bit instead of being bitter. Does piss me off that everything is working out for him after how much of a piece of shit he has been.

Any who I am happy and things seem to be going well all except for the money issues. But I am happy and am really looking forward to going to the track and watching the race cars and hangin with my friends. Hope I will get a tan at the same time.

I will hopefully be able o blog more soon and change the vibe a little bit. Have to let me know what you think about that.

Cheers!

Catch up time.

2009-04-21T12:01:00.000-07:00

I just realized it has been almost a week since I have posted anything. Lets see how good I am at catching up on the recent events.

First off LR's mom called and stated she wanted my daughter on Saturday. Now mind you she is moving in the middle of May so this could be one of the last times she spends time with her before she moves. So of course I say yes but I do ask her if she is certain because I knew there were allot of bike runs and she has a bike. She assured me yes. So I made plans. Low and behold she backs out but before she did she called LR to see if he could watch her. This pissed me off because I dont want to involve him anymore than I need to. But he did it. LR's mom then picked her up from him on Sunday morning for my nephews birthday party. This was a good thing later on for me. So my daughter did end up having a good weekend in the end.

Friday evening my daughter and I went to a friends house and hung out and enjoyed the weather. Saturday of course I dropped her with LR due to his mother backing out. I then headed for my car poker run. OH MY GOD was that a blast. I rode with this older guy R who has turned out to be a really good friend he had a 57 chevy bel air that is bad ass. Had it going over 100 mph at one point. I loved it!!! Got drunk of course because that is allot of bar hoping and good times. At the last stop which is of course right by my house my best g-friend came and hung out with us all. I wasnt driving so I lived it up. It was also beautiful out. When we showed up at the last stop a guy I have had my eye on was in there. I think I spoke about him in a past post. I call him Miller light guy. Well he had a seat open next to him so me and my friend chatted him up the whole night. I dont know what it is because he really is no where near my type. But maybe that is what I need. He has a great job, is a little older and really has it together. He is clean cut so he may not like me because of my tattoos and the fact that I love harleys. Who in the hell knows. He has a daughter my kids age and one that is younger. Who knows what will happen. Im not really pressed about a man at this point in the game

In the end I had a great weekend. However...I got fucking sick as a dog Sunday afternoon with the vomiting and other end. It lasted thru yesterday so I missed work and I still feel like I got hit by a truck. It sucks ass. Karma got me for some reason.

Today I called the lawyer and am drawing up the divorce papers next Wednesday and I cant wait. Wish me luck.

Cheers!

And the attitude begins..

2009-04-15T12:33:00.000-07:00

The last time LR and I split up 3 years ago he was getting our daughter every other weekend. She also had major attitude problems. This time as you all know he didnt see her until just these past two weekends for any over night visits. She was fine, no attitudes, no head butting between the two of us and her grades were perfect. Well low and behold I have begun to see the attitude again. You know the eye rolls and the hollering at me when I say something to her. I cant stand it. I tell her to watch herself and tell her to just listen to how she is speaking to me and that I am her mother not a dog or one of her classmates. It just gets worse. I have come to realize that duh its because she is seeing asshat again. Its obvious that he is saying stuff to her because of the comments she is saying to me. For example..."I dont know why you dont like her she is only 9 years older than him she isnt old" where in the hell did that come from? I didnt say that to her so he must have said that. I also got "whats your problem mom you are depressed and need Prozac" Ok come on now that is totally him. She has no clue what that stuff is. He thinks I am depressed because now when he sees me I dont speak a word I have been biting my tongue so I dont piss him off so he just signs the divorce papers when we get them drawn up.

Really I have been happy since I have moved into my new apartment. Just because its mine and its a new start. I have more friends now and am doing things. I am fine. Yes there is stress but my whole life had been stressful. But I am happier without him and his drinking and all the cheating he has done. I am better off without him.

Because of this...which the attitude really got bad Monday when he dropped her off. I have had major stomach pains. About 5 years ago this started when I was really stressed over some family stuff. It got so bad that I would vomit. (I know gross) Its back again. I havent gotten sick yet but the pain is awful. I need to find a way to de-stress. Need some warm weather and a beach. I hate him for changing my wonderful daughter. I wish I could stop the affect he has on her.

I just want to go home and relax and play games with my kid and hope there is no attitude tonight. I am looking forward to this poker run on Saturday. The weather should be perfect and I will be with great friends. Hopefully the pain with go away with some relaxation.

Any advice out there would be appreciated.

Cheers

Easter Weekend

2009-04-13T11:01:00.000-07:00

Ahhh thank goodness its the start of a fresh week. I tend to hate holidays since I lost my parents and now that I have to split the days with LR I am really hating them. Dont get me wrong I am not sitting around boo whooing its just a little hard. My parents have been gone for awhile so I am use to that. I just miss out when everyone talks about going to there parents blah blah blah.

With that being said Friday night was allot of fun when I met up with my old co-worker and caught up with her. After that I met up with my two other girlfriends and continued happy hour at the local spot that I could walk to and be safe. It was blast. Did a shot that I swore I would never do but it was all good. Did not see or hear from P guess me telling him this was all wrong for me to see him worked. I will miss him though.

Saturday morning I picked up my daughter from LR and we went to my friends house and dyed easter eggs with her and her daughter and then ordered pizza and chilled out. Sunday or course was Easter so we went to my step-mothers and had a early dinner with her and her family. Then it was time for me to have her to her father. BLAH I fuckin hate dropping her off on holidays. Especially to him and his girlfriend where they can play house and act like they are good people. Its all a damn act and it makes me sick. Once I dropped her off I went home and just moped around.

I ended up watching Marley & me and balling my damn eyes out at the end. Good movie but damn did I cry. I needed a good cry. I truly believe its good for us. Emotionally clense as I call it. Would love to hear if others cried over it.

Now its the start of a new week and my step-mom on Easter gave me the money for a lawyer so now I have to get my ass in gear and get this divorce started. Man I cant wait.

My cousin just sent me a text asking what I thought of him going over to a girls house that he just met on Myspace. What the hell people? Are you fucking crazy. I told him he will end up like that guy in Misery. He cant afford to have his legs broke after the heart surgery he just had. Come on man meet her on neutral ground at first. God I hope he listens to me.

Cheers on that note.

So far, so good

2009-04-10T09:01:00.000-07:00

LR actually took our daughter again. I am not sure if he is trying to make himself look good to the old hag or if he truly is trying to get better. Either way I think my daughter is happy she is seeing her father again and to me that is all that matters. He picked her up yesterday while I was at work and he will drop her off again on Saturday.

Since my daughter was gone I got some Easter shopping done for her. Damn! things have gotten expensive. But at least that is finished all except for the god damn Peeps. That is the only junk candy my daughter asked for and they are sold out at the Walmart so today I am on a mission to find them.

After that I went and spent some time on my friends porch drinking a couple beers and enjoying the evening. Its nice to have girl talk and have her little 2 year old paint my nails. Damn they look like hell didnt have time to take the polish off this morning. LOL. Then P called and I went to go meet him. Ahhh a friend with benefits. However I may have to kick him to the curb because I think I am growing out of this faze and wanting a real relationship. Could this mean my man hating era is over?

Tonight I am meeting a old friend for a early dinner and to catch up. We havent seen each other in years so this will be great. After that I am meeting a couple girls again for happy hour and then lord knows what P may come in and join us.

All in all its been a pretty great week. I am smiling again.
Cheers

Child support hearing & good weekend

2009-04-08T05:58:00.000-07:00

Its been awhile since I have posted but I have been crazy busy. Lets see where to begin....

Ok the weekend. Well LR got my daughter Thursday and Friday night. I was kinda lost because I am so use to having her around. I was also filled with all kinds of emotions. I went from anger to happiness. The anger is a typical mother response not wanting her offspring around another woman who seems to be playing house with my ex and daughter. I lived near this woman and I know she hates kids basically and she is putting on a hell of show for my ex. The happiness was because I know my daughter missed her father no matter how much of a asshat he has been to her she wanted to see him.

So Thursday evening I rode on the back of my friends J's bike who is like a father figure to me and had a nice night meeting up with some of our friends. Friday night was me and my two girls friends meeting for happy hour. Saturday morning I worked and LR dropped off my daughter because he had to go to bar for a bike show. Not a big deal I had a cookout to go to and my daughter was more than welcome there. We were home early and watched movies. Sunday LR picked her back up for the day and I rode with J during the day with a bunch of others and hit some local hot spots and hung out and chatted. P called later and met up with us. I sure missed him because he always makes me laugh. I thought LR was going to keep my daughter and so did P as he was planning on staying the night so we could be "alone" but LR dropped her off.

Monday my daughter was sick so I stayed home from work. That afternoon LR started texting me asking me not to take him to social services the next day for our appointment for child support. That he wanted to start paying and not have to deal with them. What the fuck why wait until the day before???? So I said no and we went for the appointment yesterday. He did not seem happy. In the end he is paying hardly anything because he is on unemployment but its better than what I have been getting which is fucking not one dime. I should start to see something in May because the paperwork has to go thru the court system first.

I never did hear anything from him last night so I dont know if he is thinking victory or if he is pissed off. Because he is getting away with not paying for a whole month. I think its wrong they should have made him pay something right then and there.

So here is to another thing checked off the list and I am one more step away from being done with his ass.

Whoo hoo

Spring is Here

2009-04-02T12:10:00.000-07:00

Lets begin today with some good things to talk about.....

#1 . My daughter won best writing story for her grade for all of 7th grade in our county. So she gets to go to a banquet and gets presents and her story published in a book. I am so very proud of her. Its ironic that she is doing the best she ever has and her parents are divorcing. Means I did the right thing. I took her out for dinner as congratulations.

#2. LR's vehicle got reposed on Monday night I heard. It couldnt have happened to a nicer person. HA HA. Karma really is a bitch isnt it? However his Old Hag of a girl friend gave him her old vehicle to use. So he isnt inconvenienced at all and now doesnt have a car payment. I would hate it if I was him though because now she really does have him by the balls because he cant leave her now he is totally dependant on her. If he wants to leave he is on foot with just his clothes. He sold everything else.

This week really has been long and I was looking forward to the weekend. P called and asked me out for Saturday and I said yes. However LR has thrown a wrench in that. Just like always. He told my daughter on Monday when he had her that she was coming to spend the weekend with him. Well I send him a text this morning asking for details on this weekend. He sends one back saying he was getting her Sunday. WTF?? We go back and forth and I say it must be nice to be a father and pick and choose what days and when you want to get her and change plans on her. Well he called me a bitch. Only a bitch when you screw over my daughter. He ended up saying he had plans for Saturday that he could get her Friday night and drop her off Saturday and then pick her back up Sunday. Again WTF??? So I say Fuck you just get her Sunday you suck as a parent. He then calls me and old hag is sitting next to him (this pissed me off) He ended up asking if he could get her tonight and drop her off Saturday morning. There is no school tomorrow so this is ok with me. What I said must have sunk in huh? I hate him not realizing up front what a dumb ass he is. So I have a few days without my daughter and a cancelled date. P could only go out Saturday night. Damn it. However I know my child is more important and I am ok with a cancelled date. I am just tired of him being a parent when he doesnt have better plans and that he has to ok everything with the new girlfriend and ask her about times for pick up and drop off.

So I wonder what I will do with my time???? Probably nothing.

I am about to vomit!

2009-03-31T11:46:00.000-07:00

Yes I am ready to vomit. LR and the picture he is trying to paint is making me very ill. Anyhow he sends a text late yesterday afternoon in response to me calling him out that he blew off Saturday with our daughter. He says he didnt shaft her that the weather was to bad to take her fishing. So I shot back with well there is other stuff to do and at the very least you could have called. He said that he wanted to get our daughter for dinner then. Fast forward to me getting home....As soon as I walked in my daughter was ready and said LR was on his way. I walked her down to meet him when I heard him pull up because I was also leaving to run a errand. I asked him how long they would be etc. He replied that he was taking her back to his place for dinner. GREAT! so he doesnt see her for 7 weeks and is going to take her to meet the new girlfriend at his new place. Not "hay lets catch up alone somewhere and let me tell you what I have been doing" Nope just throw her right into it. Once she returned from dinner I had to hear about the plans for this weekend that the old hag discussed with her and how she got to see the bedroom they set up for her and how they are going bowling on Friday and to dinner at this new restaurant the hag wants to take LR and his mom, step-dad, sister and the rest of the family to on Sunday.

This is where I want to vomit. How can you in a month move in with this woman and pretend to play house with my child and now his family is also in on it. I mean is it just me or is this all wrong and way to fast???? I need to know if I am alone in all of this. Old hag I figured out is girl friend number 3 or 4 since Oct. 31 and today that makes 5 months, and he has already lived with her for just about a month. I want to start a bet on this relationship to see just how long this last.

This weekend for me I guess I need to start planning stuff to keep me busy because this is just going to disgust me.

Another douche move from LR

2009-03-30T10:53:00.000-07:00

I realized I havent blogged since Thursday during the day so lets try to catch you up on the events.

On Thursday evening I had to go back to the old house (the one that is getting foreclosed on & were LR lives now 2 houses up with the old hag x neighbor) and get my mail. LR said I had stuff from social services etc. With great reluctance I had to go. LR knew I was coming so when I pulled up he was out by his Jeep looking like he was getting something so of course he saw me and walked down and followed me inside. Perfect I thought now we are alone and I can tell him about the divorce etc. I told him what the lawyer said and about how if he didnt contest we could be all done by end of summer. He said he wouldnt and also added "if this is really what you want..blah blah blah" also said he would always love me and how 90% of his life is gone now. What the fuck dude??? You cheated, did drugs, ruined my life, his life and his daughters and you want to question if this is really what I want. And hello if you truly love someone you wouldnt do the things you have to me over and over again. "hell yes" I told him I want this in a bad way. He also asked when he could start getting our daughter. So we went into a whole conversation about her and I explained as long as he called her and she wants to go and he can promise no drinking & driving or bullshit than I am ok with it. I figure she is old enough to call me if she sees anything she doesnt like. I had a conversation that she can call me and I will be right there to pick her up. I left there laughing at him because he followed me around the house and right out to my truck to tell me goodbye and that it was good seeing me. YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING. He is such a joke and I knew the girlfriend was watching us from the window so I waved.

So that evening he did call her and said he wants to see her Saturday and take her fishing and said he would call her Friday evening as well. Guess what we never heard from him. What a douche move right? So her and I just hung out all weekend and watched Twilight together and ran some errands it was really good mother daughter time. Its his loss. She is great.

I sent him a text message this morning telling him to never do that again and oh yea happy b-day asshole. Yes today is his birthday and I hope he gets the shits for his birthday. Fucking douche bag. The only thing I am grateful for is that my daughter is old enough to realize how he is treating her. I mean come on he hasnt spent any time with her since Feb 16th. He gets the dad of the year medal for sure. The part I hate the most is him telling me he misses her and cant wait to see her. Well then why in the hell dont you get her???? thats my question.

I just keep patting myself on the back for getting out of that mess of a relationship I was in for all those years. Yes its tough on my own and being a single parent with no support financially etc. but its so worth it not to have the drama anymore.

Heres to me...cheers

Could be a single woman this summer.

2009-03-26T11:03:00.000-07:00

I went to see a lawyer yesterday after work for a consult. He was very informative advising me on the bankruptcy I want to file and divorce. I was advised that since LR is now living with a woman and if he doesnt contest the divorce this could all happen in 3 months time. WOW!!! I did send LR a text yesterday before my appointment and asked him if he would contest anything and he said "nope". I got the thinking how could he. First of all he is living with another woman and second what would his girlfriend say if he fought me for a divorce that I am paying for and trying to speed up. Of course she would give him a bunch of shit and he is dependant on her for a place to live right now. So I can really see this happening quickly. Walking out of that office I really could see my new life beginning. All the years of drinking, affairs and now drug abuse will all be in the past and I wont have to deal with him or his problems any longer. Its a relief and that is why I am keeping my fingers crossed that this goes through smoothly. This is going to be costly to file for both things but it will really be worth it. My step-mom has been my angel in waiting and she is going to be helping me with the funds.

Yesterday must have been my lucky day, actually ever since this weekend its been great. I havent been able to say that in a very long time. Anyway I won the weekly drawing at the bar for 151.00. Whoo hoo. Thats some cash in my pocket for the weekend. Who knows maybe P will call and ask for a date. That would be the cherry on top.

Its kinda nice seeing the light at the end of the tunnel that was dark and gloomy for so many years.

It's lawyer time. Ohhh yeah!

2009-03-24T12:05:00.000-07:00

I have been trying for about a week now to get in touch with a lawyer. I wanted one that did both things divorce and bankruptcy. There isnt many that do both in my area. Finally one of the ones I was trying to call answered and low and behold they have a appointment for tomorrow for a consultation. Whoo hoo. Lets see how much this is gonna cost me. I am scared I will admit because I dont have any money but I think my step-mom may help with this. I have to run home and tally up my debt and get all my information together and questions I want to ask. Tomorrow should be interesting and informative. At least this will lead me in the right direction of what to do next. I hate to file for divorce but at this point in my life I have no choice. I cant pay rent and the normal funds it takes to raise a daughter on my own and pay my credit cards. Again I take a hit because I made a bad choice by trying to make things work with my low life of a husband. Ughh never again.

I never heard from P last night and I really didnt think I would. He and I are allot alike in the manner that we both are stubborn and probably are both waiting for the other to call. We also have allot of baggage with the X's and are cautious about getting in a relationship. The worst part is I like him. I will have to push this to the back of my head. Its hard because I will get to working and then he will just pop into my head. Something he said or did and then I just smile. Wonder if I will see him around this weekend? Who knows...push it away...push it away.

My daughter is happy. I hooked up the computer for her last night and its just in time because she advised me she has a paper do on Friday. Its working great and much faster than that old piece of shit we had. Thank goodness for friends.

D the guy up the street that I know likes me keeps on sending me texts trying to hint around as to why I wasnt around this weekend. I really need to set him straight to back off, if I havent shown any interest and turn him down all the time for the past 7 months you would have thought he would have gotten the hint. But apparently not. I told him I had other plans.

Ok - time to sign off allot to do so I can get ready for tomorrow.

Cheers

Biker Boys -OMG What A Weekend

2009-03-23T11:41:00.000-07:00

What a crazy fucking weekend. It was fun less the blow up with LR but I will explain more about that later. On Friday my daughter went with LR's aunt so I headed next door to my normal hang out under the impression that "ok just a couple" because I had to work Saturday morning. I also was a mess to look at because I knew I would be out of there early before the big crowd came. That was the plan

As soon as I walk in the normal happy hour locals are there and I say hello and sit down. When I looked to right down the bar sat this guy "P" as I am going to call him and his buddies. I met P at the Nascar Daytona party in January. Yes he is the scary biker that most would run from because of the tattoos and the biker get up. But I grew up with this and loved his smile and assholeness if that makes since. Yes I like the bad boys. But he just puts on that front but I know better because we talked alone at the party and his boys werent there. I got word the week after Nascar that he came in asked my friend about me and could he get my number. She eventually gave it to him after asking me. I was like what the hell. But he never called and I didnt see him again until this weekend. So I saw him down there and I didnt say hi. I dont do things like that if he is interested he will come to me. I was gabbing to my friend for a little over a hour I could see him starring and eventually I guess after beer courage he sent a drink over with a message saying I was a snob. So I one upped him and sent him a shot with a F you message because I knew in front of his boys and the bad ass attitude he was throwing I would win. And I did. He asked me to go to another bar with all of the them to hear a band. You know me...I did. That was a 3:30 in the morning return home. I met up with them again Saturday night and had a blast. Not sure what will become of all of this. But it was a great time. They also belong to a very big bike club and I know as soon as LR hears I went out with this guy all holy hell will raise. But Fuck him I had a good time. Worse thing is I think I like this guy allot but the family will hate him because they will just hear the club he belongs to and the tattoos etc. What do I do?

The blow up with LR was me telling him exactly how I feel. That he sucks as a father etc. I mean yelling it etc. He doesnt care I passed him on the road on Saturday after that and he turned around in the middle of the road to talk to me and saw I had beer in the back of the truck and asked for one and then told me I look good and was trying to be all charming. What the hell is wrong with him? I told him to get in front of the truck so I could run his ass over. He just laughed at me. I hate him so much.

At least I had a good weekend. Hope to have another one just like it.

The weeks End

2009-03-20T05:56:00.000-07:00

This week has just been a little hectic. At work we are extremely busy and not enough help. Due to the economy they will not hire anyone else. So its put out more work and kill yourself. Oh and no raises this year. Yes I am very grateful to have a employment but on the other hand I am tired and wore out for this job. I also have to work tomorrow for OT. I do need the money. Especially since I got screwed by a so called friend. On Wednesday evening I went to the old house so my friend could get the washer/dryer and went to her house and chatted and helped set it all up. When it was time to leave and I asked for the money the bitch actually said "oh Mike has my checkbook" Why would her x-boyfriend have that? Then she said she would stop by last night with the money. Yea I sent her a text asking what time she would be by and she ignored my text and email. So I guess I am out of that money. You guessed it I got screwed, not to happy either.

I also have not heard from LR he was suppose to have his half of the car insurance. I am so tired of being screwed over by people. All I try to do is the right thing and I seem to be just getting run over by everyone. I also told LR on Monday that I really wanted to talk to him and settle some things that I had mentioned in my previous post. Nope he never called or anything. Its not like he is fucking working or busy.

The "OLD HAG" also approached my friend D on Wednesday when he helped my friend and I with the washer/dryer she asked him what he was doing helping me and then told him about some of the comments I made about her to LR. It's nice he tells her what I say about her. I find that funny as shit. Bring it on old bitch.... My friend who also got the washer/dryer use to be a pot head and pill popper before she settled down 3 years ago with her daughter. She informed me she use to get drugs from the old hag and knows she still uses. That was very helpful info for me. Just another reason why I need to get a hold of LR and inform him that hell no just leave me and my daughter alone and dont screw up things with her.

This weekend my daughter is going with LR's one aunt that I like and I think I am just going to chill out tonight and then go to a bonanza tomorrow night. All close to home and hopefully NO drama will find me. I can hope right?

Cheers!

The dickhead move

2009-03-18T08:53:00.000-07:00

For some f'd up reason LR seems to be calling more now and I am really confused. He has moved in the with "old hag" and he calls more now then when he was just living with his druggie aunt. I cant figure it out. He isnt calling his daughter only me. For stupid fucking reasons. Yesterday I had the day off and he calls and said he saw my truck and knew I wasnt at work and wanted to know if everything was ok. What the fuck??? Thats why I didnt want him living anywhere around me. Dont call me asshat. I just simply told him yes and didnt offer up any explanation for me being off. I dont think he liked that but screw him. I did tell him that when he had some spare time I really wanted to talk to him. I want to know what he plans on telling our daughter about him moving in with our old neighbor and whats he going to do when she starts to get made comments to from the mean boys in the neighbor about her father shacking up with the old bitch. I am really concerned about her and how this is going to screw with her head. She is amazingly well and I dont want this to mess her up.

Yesterday I waited on the cable guy and went to the Laundromat. Man I forgot how many strange ones go there. This old woman started telling me her whole life story and how her kids are all messed up and how her daughter sleeps around and son uses drugs. I never even said hello to her and she just comes over while I am folding clothes and starts in. I swear if I start to go psycho someone please put me out of my misery. I was thankful she came in as the clothes were drying and almost done.

Today is beautiful and I cant wait to go outside and walk around. My daughter got me into the Twilight books and now I have to get book 2 I finished the first one last night and I am hooked. I thought it was going to be stupid and I was wrong. So we may park a little further away in town and walk to the bookstore and hit some of the little shops since its so nice.

Cheers!

The big move for LR

2009-03-16T10:58:00.000-07:00

Ahhh the weekend drama. Will it ever end? No, I dont think it will. It seems to trail behind me like a puppy and then at times comes right up beside me and irrates the shit out of me. Just like this weekend for instance. Friday night my daughter went to the movies with her girlfriend so I was able to hit the bar for a couple hours and have happy hour with a old girlfriend that I have gotten in touch with. That was fun and I am glad we are talking again. No big drama there except for that damn girl keeps telling she is getting the washer/dryer and she keeps falling thru on her promise.

Saturday morning I worked and have to leave a hour early because my step-moms car broke down on the way to my house to get my daughter. Luckily she made it to my house but we had to get her a tow truck and I had to take her home. Right after that LR calls me and that is when the real drama began for the day. He was being all nicey nice and then let it slip that he is moving in with the old hag. Yep thats right after just one week of being together he is moving in. Then stated he wants to start getting our daughter etc. WHAT THE FUCK???? Ok lets confuse this child even more. He hasnt really been in the picture in like 6 months and he want her to go visit him and the old hag in the neighborhood she grew up in and only 2 houses away. I dont even know how he would begin to explain that. I have been in the old hags house just once. It was the most disgusting thing ever. She is also a dope and pill head. So I have to quickly get my a lawyer and get on the ball with this. I did give him crap and am hoping he just goes away. I can pray right? Saturday night I went to this b-day party and a huge fight broke out and the place was shut down by midnight so I just headed home.

Sunday was really nice. I slept in until 11:30. I havent been able to do that in months. I never left the house that day it was great. Just chilled out and watched movies with my daughter and read. I miss those days and hope to have many more.

Lets hope this week goes as smoothly as my Sunday went.

Friday is here time to unwind sorta

2009-03-13T11:13:00.000-07:00

Its Friday again and man I cant wait to start my weekend. However I am going to be working on Saturday for a few hours to get overtime. This may hurt me when it comes to child support but I really have no choice at this point. I wish someone would tell me if social services will hold that against me.

LR is still with the Grandma and they havent spent a night apart since last Saturday. I think I have finally realized why this is getting to me. It makes me question myself when he gets with these woman. When I say these woman I mean fat, ugly, old, drug addicts, psycho and so on. All these woman have been a mess in one way or another. So it makes me think ok which category do I fall in? Whats wrong with me? am I ugly or fat? I dont do drugs and I take care of my kid so I know I am not one of the woman he got with. But it does make me question myself and I hate that he can do that to me. On the other hand I have begun to realize that he has made me a much stronger woman. Since he has been a complete waste of a person and father I have learned that I can do this on my own. I have done it for 6 months with absolutely no help from him what so ever. My daughters grades have not dropped and she is on the honor roll. So I must be doing something right. The questions are still there though. I am hoping that will pass.

As for the weekend tonight my daughter is going to the movies with her friend for them getting good report cards. While she does that I have to go the old house to help my friend get the washer and dryer. With that money it will help me pay Aprils rent. Whoo hoo. Another month of having a place to live. Once I do that I am going to have a drink and wait for my daughter to return home. It will be a early night since I have to work tomorrow. While I am at work my step-mom is going to get my daughter. Saturday night there is a b-day party I am suppose to go to at the old bar I use to hang out with my x-boyfriend. Yea the one I fell back into bed with just last month. That wont happen again. (I hope) We are good friends now and I want to keep it that way. Sunday will be my relaxing day.

Lets hope tonight I dont run into LR and his "old lady" at the old house. I know he has been staying at her house which is only two house up. The houses are close together. Keep your fingers crossed for me.

Raise your glasses here is to the weekend...

The old hag

2009-03-10T10:58:00.000-07:00

Some of you may say I am childish or stooping to a low level but I just had to bust his ass about this old bitch he is with now. I called him yesterday and I knew she was with him. I asked about what was left in the house and then I went right on his ass about being with a 54 year old woman with grown kids and grand kids. His mother just turned 50. I was being really ignorant and the best part was he couldnt come back and say anything because she was right there with him. I asked him what it was like fucking a old grandma and what did it look like so I know what to expect in 20 years. I asked if I could call him Pap Pap and does he call her granny. I told him that once and for all he has proven he will fuck anything. It was great...and yes it did make me feel better. I was still pissed over him coming to the bar I go to and bringing her. If he didnt do that I think I wouldnt have been so ticked off and said those things. So judge me if you will but I am sure he would bust my ass if I hooked up with a grandpa.

Even after saying all those things he had enough nerve to ask if I would print off copies of his resume and update it for him. What the hell???? I asked him what has he done for me. I pay his health insurance and sometimes his car insurance. I am still not getting any money to help with our daughter and he doesnt see her. He just responded that he needs a job. So I printed a copy off today and included a note saying have one of your woman update it and retype it for you. I am not doing all that work. Fuck him.

After blasting LR I feel better and no that ok I have moved and getting my life back in order and I am definitely ready for a new start. So come on spring lets get moving along so I can get out and about outdoors and exercise and meet new people.

Tonight is my first outing to the laundramat. Damn I already miss my washer and dryer. Gotta do what I have to though.

Not so peaceful weekend

2009-03-09T12:00:00.000-07:00

This weekend I thought would be calm and cool. First weekend in my new place away from the old house and old bullshit. So I thought.

On Friday I knew I had to work so I kept it cool and my daughter and I since it was nice headed to my local hangout where kids are welcome until 9pm and they have great burgers and fries. Since I can now walk over she got some dinner and I had just 3 beers and we talked to our friends and went home by 7pm. Easy night.

Saturday I had to get up early for work and that is where the phone calls and me being thrown back into LR's drama. He called to ask if I was sure everything left at the house was good to be sold or given away. I said yes otherwise I wouldnt have left it there. He started saying "ok I love you" What the fuck is that??? I ignored him and changed the subject and he said it again. I just said goodbye and hung up. After work I head home and get my daughter and I wanted to take her for a bike ride but where we went was overcrowded and no parking. So we went to the craft store and I got things to make her a scrap book and curtains for her room. Thats when the third call ensued. It was LR again asking about some items and then his sister gets on the phone basically crying saying she missed me and how messed up this is that we are losing everything and our things and how the whole neighbor hood is going thru our house. I told her thats fine and LR wanted it this way and I am moving on. LR gets back on the phone with the I love you's. I just dont fucking understand. We head home that night and just chill out. I was exhausted and wanted to paint my place on Sunday.

Sunday arrives and I get up and start painting and my girl friend from work came and helped us. Then third phone call comes from my old neighbor saying the neighborhood was in chaos the evening before and all the lights in the house were left on as well as the front door was left wide open and did I want him to go close up the house. Of course I said yes. Then another call comes from LR's mom complaining about him and how crap went down over there and how the "prostitutes" (thats what she called them) from up the street came down and threw themselves at LR. Ok...the prostitutes are two girls both named Kathy. One my age and married and the other one is in her 50's with grown kids and grandchildren. She is the one who really wants LR (for what reason I havent a clue) So I tell her there story and we hang up. Next call came from the guy up the street that I have been talking to. He fills me in on what happened the day before. This is how great of a guy LR is and shows how bad he needs money for his habits. He was selling the kids on the street his Playboys and knives. Great huh??? Also said LR and this 50 something old bag went out Saturday and stayed together. As of right now they are still together at her house. I am just disgusted. How can he be with someone that old??? Thats right it has to be the drugs and booze. He also cant be alone. So D as I am going to call him met me at the local bar and had a beer with me and was just telling me how all the neighbors where down there and somehow told him where I live. So that is great. LR even went to this bar on Saturday night with the old bat and was checking out where I live. That asshole needs to stay far away from me. I dont go to the places he hangs out so he shouldnt come to mine especially with his new squeeze. No matter how gross she is. D also said LR was telling everyone that I couldnt pay the mortgage so now he is down there cleaning up my mess. Again this is all my fault.

I guess I dont understand men who have no standard in who they associate with or sleep with. No age, weight, or good taste at all.

I have to go back to the old house tonight to get my mail and pick up a couple items I had put to the side. I cant wait to see this freak show. I just wish he would stay away from me and my neighborhood and quit saying he loves me. I dont understand what game he is trying to play at all. It needs to stop and I am happy we have a hearing in April for child support and this house ordeal is almost gone. I am going to try to call some lawyers tomorrow to see if I can get a meeting to file for separation and bankruptcy. Lets get this shit done!!!!

LR and Social Services

2009-03-06T09:12:00.000-08:00

I received a call last night from LR, of course I did not answer but he left a message saying to please call him back. He didnt sound angry so I did. He explained that he got the papers from social services over the child support request I had made and he just didnt understand. What the fuck isnt there to understand. He hasnt helped me out with any of her needs since maybe August or September and we were living together then. I started to get aggravated with him and explained that he has become the most irresponsible person I know and did he even remember the last time he saw or spoke to his daughter. (it was February 16th) He tried to blame it on me and even said she doesnt call him either. Hello he is the adult.. I simply said he could see her whenever he wanted I just didnt want her at the drug house he is staying at. He said he had no money to take and do anything with her. I said well you are at the bar every Saturday night. (you will love this) He told me that he made a commitment to the guys at the bar to be in a horseshoe tournament and he wasnt going to let them down. That is when I went off and said "You made a commitment to your wife and child when you got married to but you fucked that up" and I hung up. He then sent me a text message saying I cant be mad because I told him to leave the relationship and leave me alone and he didnt want this to end. Oh really???? I should have just stayed quiet and let him screw other woman and stay out all night and party. I think not. I will see his ass in court. I am not going to let him get off scott free while I continue to bust my ass doing whatever I can for my daughter. Last night I was with her at the library until closing on a school project and then scrounged up money to get her hair cut and this weekend I am working overtime. Meanwhile he is partying. Fuck him!!!!

So tonight I am running back to the old house to see if I received paper work as well. I have to get my daughters bike and some papers anyway.

It is so nice out today that maybe we will go for a walk or bike ride. I wanted to go to the Zoo tomorrow but now I am working in the morning and by the time I get off and head down there it will be to late to spend a good amount of time. I have to come up with another idea. Just as long as I am outside I will be happy.

Here is to another wonderful weekend. Cheers!

Exhaustion

2009-03-05T10:58:00.000-08:00

I am finished finally. Yep I moved and I am tired, sore and bruised because of it. However that is fine because its done. Actually I was done on Saturday but I have been unpacking, cleaning and dealing with the school getting my daughters bus route changed. Something I thought would be easy wasnt. Bus drivers are asses. No offense to anyone I hope. The Asshat of a driver went right on passed us even though I was waving her down and she looked right at me. Thankfully that is settled. Thank god for my girlfriends husband. He helped me move my big items with his trailer. It was just him and I moving beds and sofas and the other big items. The rest my daughter and I moved ourselves with many truck loads. I love my SUV without it I would have never gotten in done. And yes in case you were wondering I had no other help. Guess you realize who you truly have as friends and family.

Speaking of family...if you remember in my previous post my aunt accused my uncle of him and I messing around. Well last night I received a phone call from him saying she left the house due to a fight they had where she accused him again. He is the only male family I have living close to me. I needed help with the shower in my new apartment so he comes over and spends two hours total fixing it and this is the shit it caused. Who in the fuck needs enemies when I have my own family. Now my aunt knows me better than that and knows I have more than enough on my plate. Why would she start this shit now? So I guess now I am down to my other aunt as the only family I have left. And even she ticks me off at times. She was home and knew I could use the help moving and didnt. She stayed in her Pj's and had movie day. I would do it for her in a second.

LR has not yet figured out I have moved and I like it that way right now. During one of my many trips the repo guy stopped by for his bike. So I opened up the garage for him and let him take it. LMAO I am sure that is going to really piss him off. It makes me feel good after how he showed me he was upset over his girlfriend dumped him. He is such a fucker. He doesnt need a bike anyway he would only kill himself now. I ran into someone yesterday who said she saw LR and said she knew he was on drugs at that time. It was only about 2 weeks ago. Thats right, same time he told me he was clean. It was been since Feb16th since LR or his mother saw or spoke to our daughter I am curious how long they are going to go. I am growing much hatred for these people.

There is a since of relief that I am now moved and on my way to a real fresh start. In my stomach though I am scared that I am not going to be able to make it on my own. I keep pushing that feeling away and say I have to make it. I have no other choice.

So here it to a fresh start.... : )

Last day for awhile

2009-02-25T11:07:00.000-08:00

This will be my last post for the next week. I am off to pack, move, paint and clean. I am looking forward to a new start. However its going to be hard work. That's OK I believe I need it. Still no one is committed to help for the big items. Hopefully that will come in time. I already have one load of boxes packed my SUV to unload after work. So wish me luck on the move.

My cousins surgery sounds like it went well for the most part. He has allot of recovery time ahead of him. I was able to talk to him and he sounded good. He is on some major pain meds so of course he did right??? I am thinking he will be out of the hospital in a week. As for the rest of them after this past weekend they are still mental in my eyes. Gheesh!

I got a lunch visit from LR today. He actually bought me his half of the car insurance. He then asked me if I wanted to go to lunch and I replied no but I would sit and talk with him. I just proceeded to blast him about how fucked up he has made things and how much of a waste he has become. He admitted I was right and the told me about how his girlfriend dumped him for no reason. Can you fucking believe he went there with me???? I told him she was trash just like he was but maybe she has woken up. This girl is a complete fuck up and drug addict. I just went on and on with him about how he screws over everyone in his life and and always will. Told him he lies etc. etc. etc. He kept on trying to hold me and hug me and I just kept pulling away. I know it was stupid to blast him like I did but it made me feel better to vent. I told him it was a shame he was seeming more upset over her dumping him than he was over losing his wife, child and home. It kinda made me question myself. Is there something wrong with me? I have to keep telling myself he is a sick man.

Keep smiling I tell myself, things have to get better. With a little hard work my daughter and I will have a roof of our own and a new start. Every now and then I will have to deal with jackass but at least I know he wont be entering my space ever again.

Until next week my friends...

The title of this blog says it all...

2009-02-23T12:03:00.000-08:00

All I can say today is I have a very fucked up life. This weekend was just crazy. Its no wonder I have to have a drink every now and then. Where or where do I begin???

Lets start with Friday. Hummm I didn't do anything but hit the movie store and subway and stayed in with my daughter. I was exhausted do to lack of sleep from Thursday. It was nice just chilling out at home.

Saturday is when I should have just stayed the hell home. My daughter went with my stepmother for the evening so I had all day. Due to my cousins surgery my family was to all get together and have something for him. I first went to lunch with two of my dearest friends and had a wonderful time. Then I stopped in and had a drink with a ex-boyfriend because I had heard his son was in a bad accident. It was nice to see him and hang out. It came time for the party for my cousin and I invited him along. He knows my family so it was cool. Well this is where it goes down hill. My family is soooo fucked up I just cant believe it anymore. They are all drinking and carrying on when I arrive. I am not. So its a little annoying and J (my X) is just like what in the hell. But we stay for my cousin and everyone is doing fine. We then head to the local bar and see LR's vehicle and we had to choose another bar. Yeah right??? no money but at the bar. This is the good part, at the bar my uncles announces that my aunt has stated she thinks my uncle either has a thing for me or she thinks something has gone on. WHAT THE FUCK???? I real quick change the subject. Drunk people and conversation like that I knew bad things could happen. Not that I didnt want to address it but that wasnt the time or the place. I am pissed today thinking about it. How could she think that??? Then a little while after that my cousin starts in about how he doesnt want J and I together. Again WHAT THE FUCK??? He was great when he was paying for him to come and hang with us and buying dinners and beer and giving us a place to stay so we didnt have to drive home. I just stood up and said enough I am taking you all back to the house. So I dropped there asses off and J and I headed back to his town and hung out. In case you are wondering yes we hooked up and had sex. I have to admit it was nice. I havent had sex in 5 months and it was nice to be with a man again and be wrapped up in his arms. I know it wasnt the right thing to do but I think we both know we needed it.

I just cant believe everything that occurred that night and how much of a mess my family is. I dont have much family and I think I just lost them. I wont feel comfortable around them anymore knowing what she thinks. I am down to one aunt I think I cant on now. What a complete damn mess. Its true you can only count on yourself.

Sunday I just stayed in my house and did not leave and hung out with my kid. She is my sunshine in this crazy ass life. At least she is sane for now.

Tonight I hope to get the key to my new place. Keep your fingers crossed for me that this goes smoothly.

It's Friday

2009-02-20T10:51:00.000-08:00

OMG- Thank goodness it is Friday. I am so fucking exhausted. It finally happened, I ran out of oil around 12:30am. I kept hearing the furnace kick off and on and it woke me up. So yes I have no heat and I dont move until the 28th. I am going to have to just bundle up the kid and I in the evenings and live under blankets. Its a 100 gallon minimum to have oil delivered and all be damned if I am paying 300.00 for one weeks worth of oil for asshat to have in case he comes back into the house once I am gone. Plus I just plain up and down dont fucking have it. I had to pay jerkoffs half of the car insurance again. I am not a happy camper today. So after next week I am just going to say screw it and get a new policy with just my vehicle on it and take the fine from MVA when he gets caught driving with no insurance. I really hope it doesnt come to that but there is nothing else for me to do. I am tired of paying for his fuck ups. YES I am also physically tired from 3 hours of sleep damn it.

I am proud of myself I got allot of packing done last night. I just have the kitchen and bathroom left to do and we use most of that stuff. I also need to catch up on some more laundry but that is what the weekend is for. I am not doing a damn thing tonight!

Tomorrow I go to visit with my cousin and the rest of my family for the day. He is the one having open heart surgery at 24. So this is the last party for awhile since he will be out of commission. I feel so bad for him. He is a trooper and will get thru it I am sure.

Sunday I will just be trying to pack some more and get ready for a big week of working and painting and cleaning the new place. Ughhh I am tired just thinking about next week.

Cheers!!!

Getting my ass in gear

2009-02-18T11:11:00.000-08:00

I have come to the conclusion I have to get my ass in gear. I have been in this F it state of mind for to long. Its pretty obvious that I can only depend on myself and that now someone (my daughter) is depending on me solely. So I am all the two of us have. (Not to much fucking pressure there huh?) With that being said I have to pack and find a way to move our stuff to this new apartment all within a matter of 9 days. Plus I have to call the landlord and see if it is at all possible for me to get in there early so I can paint the place and clean it up to make it presentable for us. The painting and cleaning I am thinking will take 2 days. After seeing if this guy will let me in early I will have to take two days off work to make this possible. I am really praying that my 21 year old cousin can come thru for me and help me move along with a couple of his buddies. I will have to pay them with pizza and beer. But I will be grateful if he comes thru for me. I will see this weekend when I talk to him. So for the next few evenings after work I will be busting ass packing up what I dont need to use along with tons of laundry since I wont have a washer or dryer anymore. Busy person I will be.

On a bright note. My daughter is doing wonderful in school. I received a email from her Science teacher and she has the highest grade in the class. The average is 81% and she has a 99%. She amazed me everyday that she is doing so well when her world has been a mess for the past few months. That is another reason to push me to do what I have to so she can stay in the school district. She is the bright spot in my life. Thank god for her.

I have been feeling depressed and down but its time to turn it all around with a little hard work!!!

Fuzzy Head

2009-02-16T09:05:00.000-08:00

Yes, Ok, I know I shouldnt have stayed out late last night but I was having a good time and meeting new people. My daughter was with LR's mom yesterday and was staying the night so I was able to go the bar where they were throwing a NASCAR viewing party. I havent watched a race in over a year. So it was kinda cool. Got to see my friends and unwind. But yes I am tired now and just want a nap.

This weekend was nice. My daughter and I just hung out both Friday and Saturday nights. I took her to shop for a new outfit and shoes for VD day. I really didnt have the money but I am not having her go without because I am in a fucked up situation. I am really worrying about her. She was invited to a sleep over and she chose to just stay home and hang with me. I know when I was her age I would have never done that. I just dont know what to think about that or if I should worry at all. I am kinda thinking everything is getting to her and she just wants to be clingy right now. On the other hand I was happy to have her around all weekend. I didnt do any packing and I know I should have but my attitude over all of this has just been "fuck it" I dont want to do this and I hate having everything on me. Shit I dont even know how I am moving. I have no real help or trucks. I need men to help move the big items and I just dont have it. So I did nothing!! Its the wrong attitude to have and I know it.

As for LR he never called our daughter on VD day and that really pissed me off. However when I called LR's mom this morning he actually answered the phone. So that means he is at least there visiting her. I guess that is a good thing since he hasnt spent any time with her in awhile. I did tell him that its car insurance time again and that I need it by the end of this week. He told me he had to buy a battery and all so unless unemployment gets him more money he wont have it. I told him I dont care I dont have his half. I have to call them and see if I can only pay for my vehicle if he doesnt come up with his share. He is such a waste of a person.

This week I guess I am just going to have to buckle down and get some packing done and call some people and see if I can get help. Man I fucking hate asking people for help. It makes me feel like I owe them then. Especially men. But I have to do this. Its survival now.

100th Post

2009-02-13T12:16:00.000-08:00

I really cant believe this is my 100th post. Really it has been nothing but a bitch fest about my F'd up life and everything that has been happening over the years. With that being said it has really been very therapeutic for me to let all of this out. So I thank you to whomever has read my blog and I hope some of you can relate and maybe leave your comments.

So yesterday my daughter was sick with a stomach virus and was really upset and in pain. She really (knock on wood) doesnt get sick and only misses maybe one day a whole school year. Yesterday was it. Thankfully she was better this morning and I havent heard anything from the school. I guess all is well. I gotta pray I dont get it.

Now for the Asshat update. Wednesday I actually saw him. It has been since the Saturday after Christmas . Anyway he called me and was asking if he had received anything in the mail from the unemployment office. He asked me to open it so he would know if it was his card. I didnt know that you dont get a check anymore, they give you a VISA check card to use. Who knew???
He said he only had enough gas to come to the house so he needed to check first. So he shows up a hour and half later. OMG he looked like shit. He had lost 50 pounds I am guessing, and looks like a crack addict. He was shaking and shit. It was just horrible. He kept on staring at me and wanted to talk and ramble on. He reached out to hug me. It was just awkward. I had to tell him I didnt want to talk about his life or know anything about it. That we need to stick to just talking about our daughter and stuff with the house. He just kept on wanting to hang around and I had to tell him just to go. I had a friend over who was looking to buy some stuff furniture off of me and I didnt want him to know what we were talking about etc. Plus why in the hell did he want to stick around and be all nice and lovey. Oh, he did finally admit that he was using drugs..however he states he is clean now. I wonder if has only been clean because he had no money. Now he does, so time will tell. It was just a mess. So he goes to leave and his Jeep wouldnt start. Battery was dead....what the fuck???? So I had to jump start it and of course another good bye hug.

I just dont know how to handle all of this stuff. He needs to just leave me alone. I already have to much bullshit to deal with. All of which he has caused. It did break my heart to see how bad he has become physically and I know its his fault. But anyone would be a heartless bitch if they saw someone who needed help and they just couldnt help them anymore.

Today is Friday and I am looking forward to the weekend. I plan on packing over Valentines Day and Sunday of course watching the Daytona 500. I am not a huge Nascar fan but I like to watch it with some good friends and food. My daughter will be with her Grandmother over night that day so I can have a little fun.

Oh yea.. I did get some roses sent to my house for V-day from the neighbor up the street. He just doesnt give up. I gotta find a way to stop this. He is a great friend but I just dont want to lead him on. I thought I was clear but apparently I wasnt.

To a great weekend....

A new start

2009-02-11T12:37:00.000-08:00

Were to begin. Well I went a looked at the apartment Saturday morning as Friday night did not work out. It is very small and the building is run down. It is basically the attic. But it does have two small bedrooms so my daughter and I could have our own privacy. The landlord is willing to do this on a month to month basis and allow me to take my cat that I have had for 11 years. So my mind is a little more a ease. I am still scared I wont be able to do this on my own but at least I am not trapped in a year lease. So I take the apartment March 1st. Oh I also have to paint the place myself if I want and he will buy the paint. I also have to figure out how to move a 3 story house into a 3 room very small apartment. So that was ok I guess.

Saturday evening I went and saw some of LR's family who I am still close with and friends with. We partied outside since it was nice and then I met up with E and A at bar and continued to have a good time and let off some steam. Sunday I had lunch with my aunt whom I hadnt gotten to spend time with in months. She had my daughter Saturday night which was great as they use to be really close until my aunt got a boyfriend. In case you hadnt guessed they have since split up allowing her time to spend with us again. Which is a win/win in my book cause we are really close.

As for LR there has been no word from him since he told me there was nothing he could do about the checking account he screwed up. I did however hear from his mother who is really pissed off over how is acting and being as a father. She told me he is on a mission to destroy himself. Her and I both agreed this is all just stupid and he needs to straighten himself out. There was something she told me though that struck me the wrong way. She told me to stop being angry...so I thought about it.....How in the hell can I stop being angry when my fucking world has been destroyed? I am losing my home and going to the slum ville in a trailer park neighborhood, my marriage has been destroyed, I have been cheated on, I have a cancer worry, my child lost a father, and I am not getting any support. I think I have a right to be a little pissed off at him and sort of the world. So I say Fuck it I can be mad if I want to right now. I am still being responsible and raising my daughter. Plus I am doing it on my own. I may fail here real soon but I am doing it. I think she meant when I am talking to her about him. But what the hell ever I can be mad at him.

What more can I say? Its what I am right now. If you dont like...I dont care.

Asshat Again

2009-02-06T11:01:00.000-08:00

Right before I left work yesterday I checked my messages to see if LR's bank answered my request to take my name of the account. You know the one that is overdrawn by $450.00, the one that he hasnt paid back and is now affecting me. Well yes they did reply and stated that they were sorry that they could not do it until the money is paid back. FUCK! They also stated that since the account has been overdrawn for over 30 days that a notice will go out to all banking institutions to not allow either of us to open a new account or cash our checks. Fuck again! I currently have a account with another bank and have had one for years since things have gone bad with us. I am now afraid my bank is going to freeze my account and money as well as return all the checks I write. I dont understand why he never had my name removed. So I call everyone yesterday trying to find LR. He finally calls me at 7:30 and he is drunk (of course) He says he doesnt know what to do and that he has been trying to do the right thing. Yea right...he is drunk. In my opinion if he can drink he can help support his daughter and pay his bills. So I just went off. Who knows if he will fix this.....Drama I hate it. Even when I leave him and dont see him for months he still screws up my life even more.

As for the apartment I saw last night. All I can say is there is no way in hell that is going to work. It was suppose to be a one bedroom and it wasnt even that. It was also disgusting. So on so many levels I was disappointed yesterday. Shoot yesterday should have been Friday the 13th. I am going to look at another one tonight. This one claims to be a 2 bedroom. I am keeping my fingers crossed.

For the rest of the weekend I have no idea what I am going to do. Maybe it will just be a quiet weekend with no drama at all. Or all hell could break loose.

Confused!

2009-02-05T12:29:00.000-08:00

So here is the deal. I am getting a nervous and confused. More like I just dont know what to do. I have called about a apartment that is within the school district of my daughter and is really cheap considering. I told you all about it earlier this week. Here is the problem. I am not sure if its the right thing to do. I really dont have the money for it. I know I can shuffle bills around and make it work "I think". Actually I am just confused and I am nervous. The only other option I have is to move to PA and live with my family who is also in financial distress and are taking care of my 24 year old cousin who is about ready to have heart surgery. So can I really go there???? I JUST DONT FUCKING NO WHAT TO DO!

Man this sucks. I hate the way my life is turning out. And I would really like to just shoot my ex for not helping out at all with his responsibilities.

Ok what do I do????? I go tonight to look at it.

Hump Day

2009-02-04T10:49:00.000-08:00

Its good old Wednesday and man has this week just dragged on. I have had a headache for the past two days and it just doesnt seem to want to go away. Not that I am sick or am having bad days its just been this constant ache. I just went and grabbed some extra strength Tylenol and am hoping that works.

LR actually called me Monday evening and surprisingly he was sober. We talked for 25 minutes and didnt yell or fight with one another. That is a record. However I think he has realized what in the hell is happening around him now. He advised me that he got laid off from his job on Thursday. Surprise!! who didnt see that coming. He also said he tried to file his taxes and they advised him he owed to. He was hoping to use his return to move as well. That is why he hasnt moved his stuff because he doesnt have any money or job. Welcome to my world jackass. However I have a job but I am supporting our daughter and paying bills so no money for me. I told him he needs to go file for unemployment then and start looking for job. He advised me that with no phone thats going to be hard. He asked about the phone I was paying for him of course I said hell no. I cant even believe he would ask about that phone. So typical. What in the hell has he done for me???? I didnt tell him child support papers would be arriving any day now. I wanted him to file for the support. That way maybe I had a chance of at least getting a few dollars a month.

As for everything else in my life....well due to the stress my face is breaking out like a 13 year old, I am hating that. But what can you do but chug water and wash your face some more. My daughter is wonderful and I cant wait to go look at that apartment tomorrow night.

Ok I havent done this in awhile but its time for inappropriate comment time. My girlfriend approached me today and said she was going out with her boy toy on Saturday night. He offered to drive but she told him:

"No I want to take my van so we can pull over along side of the road and have sex"

Come on now again I didnt need to know that. The funny part is they are both in there late 30's and live at home. So I guess they gotta get it where they can. But I didnt ask her or bring up this subject. So what the fuck? Quit telling me details about your sex life. Watch on Monday I am going to hear all about it. I gotta work on a nice way to say stop.

Ha ha ha. I tell ya its never boring around here.

Weekend Whirlwind

2009-02-02T10:52:00.000-08:00

On Friday I was a little all over the place and not in a good state of mind since talking to the doctor and just over everything that is going on in my crazy ass life. So I went out and maybe I shouldnt have, because I did drink a little to much and I did drive. Before you say it yes it was wrong and should not have happened. I thought I would have a ride and things just didnt work out that way. When I arrived at the place I hang out I should have known the night was going to be crazy because there was a fight and people kicked out before 8:30pm. So because of my attitude and things not working out the way I hoped I went and hung out with E and her friends. Yes E is the girl LR had a affair with and also was the boss's daughter. I have told you all before that we started hanging out and so on. We did end up having a good time. Although her friend was throwing up all over the place. To funny! Who would have guessed we would be talking and hanging out like this.

Here comes the downward side were I started to have a break down. I get up Saturday saying "yea I am getting my taxes done" Thinking this is how I am going to move and put some money in my pocket and start over. Nope!! not at all. I actually owe $1,000 now you tell me what in the hell am I going to do. I thought filing separate and claiming my daughter I would be in the good. However, because I took out my 401k (and yes I took taxes out of that) it threw me into a higher earning tax bracket. So I owe. When I got into the car I literally started to have a mental break down. How in the hell am I going to be able to move? How am I going to be able to afford to pay my taxes? What in the fuck am I going to do? I just couldnt take anymore. Then I am thinking shit LR is suppose to come and move his stuff out so I couldnt even go home and just cry. So I went to pick up my daughter from my step-mom and did cry to her explaining what had happened. God bless her. She took us to lunch and said she would help me with the money. So if I can find a place I can get first months rent and security deposit.

When we got home LR had not been there at all and still hasnt come by. So I am wondering were the "big boy" is and what the hell happened. He doesnt have a phone anymore so did he get fired and realized he couldnt move in with this guy or what? I still havent heard anything.

Sunday I said fuck it. I had to get out of this mood so we had free movie coupons and went to see a movie. While I was out E sent me a text about a apartment that is within the school district and close to were she lives. I called about it today and am going to see it on Thursday. It sounds like a dive but that is really all I can afford. Its a one bedroom so I guess if all goes ok of course my daughter will get the bedroom and I will hit the couch. Ewwhh. But I gotta do what I can. I really hate LR for making shit this difficult for me. If he would help me I wouldnt be a mess right now.

Any way that was my weekend. I am going to keep positive and hope this apartment will be alright and try to think of this is a rough start but still a new start.

Today's quote

2009-02-02T05:35:00.000-08:00

~Self-worth is not measured by what you have materialistically but how you have presented yourself when confronted with difficult situations.~

TGIF

2009-01-30T11:06:00.000-08:00

Well I just heard back from the doctors office. My doctor is not in today so another one returned my call concerning the results of the "loop procedure". It seems I have stage 2 precancerous cells. What happens next??? more hell from what I am hearing. This doctor couldnt tell me exactly because he isnt mine but he said if I was his patient I would be returning every 3 to 4 months for pap smears to make sure it didnt turn into full blown cancer. So more of putting my feet in stirrups and showing my business to the world as they scrap, poke and prod at me. So I am left thinking....how many months can this continue? How many times do I have to go back before I am like every other woman and just have to return once a year? Just my fucking luck. I really dont need this shit along with every thing else that is going on in my life. The worse part is I cant control this and I hate it.

Asshat LR was apparently at the house again last night and took another gun. He is done to having one left. Jesus that man has to desperate he was just there on Tuesday. Also his boss took the phone back from what my daughter has said so there is no direct line to him. Hhhhmmm is he fired now? and does this mean he is still moving on Saturday? I hate not knowing if I have to flee the house tomorrow morning. I am growing more understanding everyday of the thought process people have who hire hit men to take out the X's. (not that I would ever do it, but jesus do I understand why they do)

So on to happier times. I have just a few hours until party time and I really do need to get out and let my hair down and forget about my troubles. I know its only a temporary fix but its sure worth it. My guy friend from up the street just sent me a text asking to take me to dinner and I had to say no. I am afraid that would be considered a date. Why cant everyone just understand that I want a friend right now and not a boyfriend. I just have to many plates in the air. Yes it would be nice to go to dinner but I just dont want him thinking anything else.
Then tomorrow morning I have to get my taxes done and I am praying I get something back to put towards possible rent.

So here is to happy hour and good times this weekend.

CHEERS

Sore as shit

2009-01-29T05:58:00.000-08:00

As we all know the east coast got snow and ice. In my area it was more ice than anything. I didnt make it into work yesterday because of it. It took me 2 hours to scrape the sidewalks and dig out my car. I am paying for it today. That is a whole different work out. I am sore as shit and could use a good jacuzzi tub and a nice glass of wine. While I was out there digging shoveling and freezing my ass off "the slut" as I refer to her actually came down with some salt and helped me out. The reason I call her this is she also tried to get with LR while I was with him so what the fuck she was doing helping me out is beyond me. But I will play nice and kill everyone with kindness. Maybe she was just feeling guilty but whatever. I will play this fuck up game and see what she is after.

I did get the annoying phone calls made that have long been overdue to the mortgage company and to a apartment complex in town to see if they had any openings. The apartments are way to expensive. The mortgage company was just a bunch of dumb asses. What part of "I am calling you to tell you I am getting divorced and cant pay the mortgage" dont they fucking understand. I was doing what I thought was right by informing them and seeing what the next step was. Now I am seeing why people destroy the house and then roll the out. They can fall in dog shit to.

As for LR, well he is going to get a wake up call because tonight in my sore state I am going to fill my truck with everything I dont want him taking when he comes back to get his stuff to move out. Also I have a feeling social services will be contacting him soon. Its been 4 weeks since I mailed everything in. So F you LR. Its really sad but I am waiting for him to catch the clap and his dick to hurt when he pees. Thats horrible isnt it?

Anyway its Thursday that means its just one more day until Friday...whoo hoo. Samantha is going to stay with my step-mom so she can play with her niece and do the whole sleep over stuff. So Momma get to play and be a "big girl" as LR says. Ha ha ha. Damn I gotta let off some steam.

Asshat strikes again!

2009-01-27T10:52:00.000-08:00

Oh my god what a fucking night and morning I have had. I am emotionally and physically exhausted. OK, so asshat LR spoke to my daughter last night and told her he is moving this weekend. Then says he is stopping by on Saturday to talk to me. So I know right away he isnt coming to talk he is coming to get his shit. I am like what the fuck? Balls up and call me and tell me what in the hell you are doing. I dont want to be there when he shows up with his piece of shit friends etc. Plus dont think you can just come in and take whatever the hell you want.
So I proceed to call him and ask him whats up. It all starts from there. He explains he and this guy have found a 2 bedroom 2 bath apartment really cheap and no security deposit as they know someone. "great" I say "nice to know you have found a place meanwhile you arent helping me and your daughter and I maybe homeless". He goes on and on about how this is what I wanted and I wanted to be a big girl and because of that I can take care of her on my own....etc etc. Are you fucking kidding me???? He also said the best line I ever heard. He says these woman who are now talking to me about there experience with him and how he is on drugs etc that they are just lying to me because they are just jealous that they arent getting with him. HA HA HA I cant believe he said that. Best asshat line of the year.

I am in just disbelief that he can act like this. I paid his car insurance for two months and I carry his health insurance which if I didnt I would save allot of money. I also take care of our daughter every day. He doesnt take her except for a couple hours here and there. For him to treat me this way after all these years is just unbelievable.

He also went to the house today and took more things to pawn so he could get more money. You would have thought he would have spent a few hours with our daughter as there is no school today due to snow. No, he was there for 1 hour. His day will come. I wish for stupid things on him. For example it would be great if he fell in dog shit. Or he would be standing in line somewhere and have massive shit pains and cant make it to a bathroom and he ends up shitting himself. Nothing to hurt him but just to make him feel like a asshole.

I need to go work out tonight maybe I will feel better about myself then. Yea a good workout and then to bed. Ahhhhh

A weekend of chillin out

2009-01-26T12:21:00.000-08:00

For the first time in a long time so speak I had a weekend of just chilling out at home with my daughter. I very much enjoyed it. I did have to work on Saturday morning but Friday night and Saturday night we were home. I did go and visit a friend Saturday afternoon and see her own home that they just bought. The whole time I was shaking my head because a year ago they got foreclosed on. So in a way it made me a little hopeful on my credit situation because god damn my credit has gone to shit. Sunday we just hit the movie store and subway and had a movie day. It was absolutely wonderful.

With that being said there was a little drama with LR. Apparently when my daughter called on Saturday to give him her new cell phone number he asked her if she wanted to be picked up and taken back to where he is staying with his Aunt and spend the day. She told him no...well actually she had me tell him no because she didnt want to tell him herself. I was very thankful that she didnt want to go. I do not mind him spending time with her however I do not want him taking her back to his place. His aunt and him are both on drugs and I dont want her around that. You would think he wouldnt but with his frame of mind who the fuck knows what he is thinking. In the end he got pissy with me and told me that yes she told him she didnt really want to go as well and that she just needs to call him when she does. Really mature LR, really fucking mature to tell a 12 year old. ASSHAT.

On this weeks agenda I have to make all kinds of calls as it seems I have to be the adult here. I have to call the mortgage company and explain the situation and see how much time I have at the house. Then its on to the bank to see if I can refinance my car loan and make that cheaper and then the insurance company. So lots of fun for me plus I get my test results this week. Keep your fingers crossed on that one. Mainly its going to be stressful.

I can do this....yes I can. Thats the motto I have to live by.

Emotional overload

2009-01-23T08:34:00.000-08:00

This week so far as been a little overloaded with emotions. I have gone from a great happy cheerful to crying, mad and now I am not sure how to feel.

Tuesday LR came to house and took some things. First this fucking pisses me off that he can come to the house while I am at work and rummage thru my stuff. I can tell as my drawers were open etc. He took my change, jar and all. Took all of our movies. Thank goodness not my daughters. 3 of his guns and meat from the freezer. The best part about the movies is mostly we had all the DVD's in a CD case for easy storage. However some were lined up on top of the TV in there cases. He actually went thru those took out the movies and put the cases back on top of the TV. Duhhh fucker think I wouldnt notice?? Thats what I have figured out so far. All of this he can pawn and make money for his drugs and booze. What a low life asshat he has become.

On Wednesday I had my appointment with the doctors to take parts of my cervix to test for cancer. I think I have spoken of this before. This was a humiliating and painful experience. I didnt know you had to literally put a grounding pad under my ass check so that I didnt get electrocuted. The rod they use to get sections of my cervix has electricity running thru it. What the fuck??? How barbaric is that??? In 7 to 10 days I should have the results. I left there completely crying and mad all at the same time. But it is done thank god.

My life just seems to never end with the drama. I ask myself what I did to have this karma bought upon me. I have lost my marriage, my health and now I am losing my home. I will get it all back. (except the marriage because fuck him) This weekend though I feel like something wonderful has to happen. Especially after the week I have had. So Cheers!!!!

Weekend BS

2009-01-19T10:47:00.000-08:00

Well lets start with my Friday night. I didnt do much just kicked it around the house with my daughter, I knew I had to work on Saturday morning to get OT so that was ok with me. I wish I could have gone to the bar because they had a DJ there and everyone I usually hang with was there. But I guess the responsible parent (duh thats me) keep it together and did the right thing. A old girlfriend of mine sent me a text that night asking me what I was doing the next night (Saturday) I was a little taken a back by this as we havent talked in a couple years as friends. She got a little pissed when I hooked up with a guy who was staying at her house for awhile. I still dont understand this as she is married and this shouldnt have bothered here. But for some reason and I dont know why but man did she ever get pissed. I am thinking its because she liked him. This all occurred when LR and I were split up for that year. Anyway we also work together but thankfully not in the same area. We didnt talk for almost a year and just recently we have been cordial with the hello's etc. We do not speak of the guy at all. So anyway I sent her a message back stating I wasnt doing anything and why was she asking. She wanted me to go to a bar that we all use to go to for Karoke. I was shocked and very curious. So anyone who knows me knows I cant I had to say yes. I had to know what she was up to.

Ok so now for Saturday. LR came and picked up our daughter while I was at work and spent exactly 3 hours and 45 min with her. Whoo hoo father of the fucking year again. Amazing I dont know how he does it. But at least she got to see him. Plus he did leave his share of the car insurance on the table. I had him drop her off at my uncles cause I stopped there to visit and see her for awhile before I went out. So night time hits and dinner with the family is over and out I go for this adventure. Basically she didnt say much to me while I was there so I cant figure out why she asked me to come in there. However it was good to see some friendly faces that I havent seen in awhile. My x boyfriend was in there and we hung out for awhile and caught up. He ended up calling me at 11:30 last night but I didnt answer, I hope he isnt thinking about trying to get back together. He had to many issues and lives in the bars. One of the reasons I got rid of my husband. At the time I was seeing him it was perfect because I needed to party and drink away my sorrows. This time its different though and I am not looking for that. Although the sex was good. Hhhhhmmm maybe a booty call may be in order. Nah.. I am just kidding. That was it for Saturday night.

Sunday I just stayed in bed. I was tired as hell and ate some bad lunch meat and ended up throwing up around 4pm. So I was in bed and out by 8pm.

Tonight I dont have my daughter so I may go hit a happy hour. I hate going home to a empty house. I am just not use to it. LR's mom has her and she is having fun since there is no school. So I am happy for her but sad for myself. Maybe I can hook up with the x and get that booty call. HA HA HA HA

TTFN

Asshat defininition

2009-01-16T12:00:00.000-08:00

For those of you who need the defininition of asshat. I use it often lately and love it. Taken from urban dictionary

ass-hat
196 up, 57 down
A general term for someone who carries out actions with such stupidity that they might as well wear their ass as a hat.

Pete begins looking for his sunglasses, unknowing to the fact that they are on his head. He asks Ed where his glasses are. Ed takes them off his head saying, "You are such a fucking ass-hat."

or

ass-hat
114 up, 117 down
Someone so incredibly stupid and/or ignorant that everything above their waist is useless; i.e. a hat for their ass.

"That ass-hat just switched across three lanes of superhighway! Augh!"

Ready for this day to end!

2009-01-16T11:48:00.000-08:00

All was quiet and calm until LR decided to call this morning. Ugghhhh. What a asshat. (yea I know asshat, it's kinda a word I like now) I havent spoken to him since the 4th and he called today. He was saying his last check only had 17 hours on it and how he doesnt have any money. That he hasnt smoked in two days because of it blah blah blah. I started to lose it. I told him dont cry to me about your finances now. I explained that I have been making it alone and taking care of our daughter, paying his medical and car insurance with no help from him. I said I dont feel sorry for you at all that for months he blew money and didnt pay his bills, instead he partied and did drugs. Now his work has cut him down to 3 days a week. Karma is a bitch I told him. He proceeded to tell me that he didnt start all of this that I did. WHAT THE FUCK!!!
He did say he was going to give me his 1/2 of the car insurance money so that is great. The best part is he still doesnt know that I filed for support so he is really going to lose his mind when he does. So lets hope he does get me that money for insurance.

I dont know why I let him get me all upset. I shouldnt and I know it. I know I didnt do anything wrong. But it just pisses me off when he doesnt stand up and take some responsibility for what he has caused. I just want to go out and let loose and be around my friends tonight. I hope I can make that happen. However I do have to come to work and get some over time in tomorrow. I can do it!!!!! I have to keep telling myself that. ok....I can do it with a hangover. LOL

Now time for the quote of the day from the TMI friend....

Friend: "Yea I told John Doe last night that he needs to install knee pads for me cause damn my knees are getting tore up"

Me: "Ugghhh, again Jane TMI"

Friend: "ha ha ha"

Seasons

2009-01-15T10:45:00.000-08:00

On the radio today I was listening to a discussion on seasons. It was if you liked them or not. It got me thinking, I have never lived in Florida or California, basically someplace that is warm all the time without the 4 seasons. I am not sure how I would react. I hate snow and the cold but I just dont think it would be the same. Shoot Christmas and its 80 degrees? I love Spring when you see everything coming back to life and it always seems to have this wonderful "new" smell. Then you have fall. The leaves are changing colors and everything is crisp and beautiful. So I guess I really wouldnt give it up.

Its funny my life seems to be moving along right with the seasons. My marriage started failing in the fall when everything seemed to be dying and here it is winter and its getting rough with losing the house and LR not supporting his daughter and all the lies have come to the surface. By spring I hope to have a new chapter started and moved (hopefully to my own place and LR paying support). Then you have summer when the worse should be behind me and I want to be at my happiest point. Funny how this has played out.

I seem to be doing alright this week. Things are calm and quiet at that moment. Good thing is I havent spoken to or seen LR since the 4th when I blew up at him. I dont want to know how he is doing or where he is at. I just want him to take responsibility for his daughter. I spoke to his mother last night and she acted like we speak all the time and was kinda taken back when I said "no we do not talk". I mean come on "Hello" I dont want to be his friend after all of this shit. Who would want to be his friend? I know she wants him to come back home and all be hunky dory but that aint gonna happen. F-That!

Ok - so now on to the friend that gives me TMI (to much information). I have to tell you all because shit she tells me and I cant stand it. Today she approaches me and says:

Friend : "guess what I told John Doe last night?"

Me: "what did you tell John Doe?"

Friend: " That if we keep on fucking like this and we do it every night I wonder how many calories we will burn"

Me: "why in the hell do you tell me these things?"

I mean come on now. Do I really need to know this shit? And by the way if I every say TMI to anyone please smack the piss out of me please. Its really a mental image I do not need.

More inapropriate Shit

2009-01-13T05:56:00.000-08:00

So I am going to continue from a earlier post. My friend approaches me again and continues talking about her and her boyfriend. She tells me about how she gives him oral and how her knees hurt and then about how he wants her to get a bulls eye tattooed on her ass. Come the hell on now. What the fuck am I suppose to say to that????? I continue to tell her that is TMI but she just doesnt get it. I am all full the casual comment of "hay I got some great sex last night" but I dont need the added details. Any help in this area would be greatly appreciated.

As for LR we are on day number 13th since he has talked to his daughter. To be fair he left her a message on Saturday and then she left him a message at the number he gave her, but she hasnt heard back. He is also still negative in his bank account. This leads me to believe that the loser really did lose his job. No work phone and no paycheck put in the account what would you think???? Unless he isnt going to pay the bank back and he is being like the rest of the worthless assholes and getting his check cashed at a liquor store. Its still amazing to me how much he has changed. But I have learned I cant worry about him. I have to focus on myself and my daughter from now on.

So I have a dentist appointment today and I cant stand it. I am very much the type of person that noise bother me. For example I cant stand the sound that mac and cheese makes when you stir it. It makes me wanna gag and throw up. So the noises at the dentist really drive me crazy. The scrapping of your teeth to get the tartar off and the drill. I start to sweat. This is going to be torture. I hate people with bad teeth so I suffer thru it.

Wish me luck.....with the dentist and my friend LOL

Nothing New/Boring

2009-01-12T09:03:00.000-08:00

So this past weekend was actually pretty boring for me and I kinda made it that way. I was asked out by two men and I should of said yes to one of them. However I am just not wanting any more drama in my life right now. Also the weather was kind of shitty around here and I didnt want to take the chance when it was the time for me to head home. So it was me and my cat at home on a Saturday night asleep by 9pm.

How fucking pathetic has my life become. My daughter had a better weekend than I did as she was staying away that night. And my dumb ass for a X is running 3 woman. Me I am home along snuggled up with my cat. Kinda just makes me sit back and laugh at what my life has become.

Shit I just dont know what else to say except for "Yep this life of my mine sure does suck at the moment".

It has to get better sometime soon right?

I grew balls via beer

2009-01-08T05:58:00.000-08:00

I did it....I got together all the paper work required by social services to file for child support. The worse part is I had to have a few beers to balls up and actually mail it. Why you may ask did I have to get the beer courage to mail it? Well there are several reasons...

1) This is really going to piss off LR

2) What is LR capable of doing in retaliation?

3) Is he going to take my daughter?

4) Is he going to take things from the house while I am at work?

5) or worse...

The list can just go on and on. The asshole needs to support his daughter and take some responsibility. So I mailed it with a little help from Coors Light. All I can do now is just sit back and wait for world war three to begin. I heard it can take up to six weeks to process and for him to be notified. I hope I am not kicked out of my home before then.

I am waiting on a miracle and hope that it comes soon. My horoscope for today looks promising. I know I am not suppose to believe in them but you can always hope.

On a different note I need to do a little bitching about friends....what do you do when a tells you just way to much information about shit you do not want to know? For example I have a best girlfriend that proceeded to tell me about her and her boyfriend having sex. Not a big deal all woman and men talk about if the "got some" or not. However she went into detail about where his cum ended up. Ewwhhh gross! I didnt need that mental image. So what do you fucking say to that statement? I just had to walk away. I couldnt believe it.

Thank goodness this week is almost over. Cheers!

Ughhhhh!!!

2009-01-06T10:30:00.000-08:00

Not really sure how I am feeling today. But its much like the title of this entry. Ugghhhh. I really hate LR right now, but on the other hand I know its his addictions that is causing all of this behavior. So do you feel sorry for him or just have this hatred?

I am choosing to just write him out of my life as much as possible. He is making me do everything on my own anyway and rarely sees our daughter. So I will continue with child support so when he does work the money I receive will come straight from his paycheck and I wont have to see him. I am also going to start packing and working on getting out of the house and have my ducks in a row when the foreclosure goes down on the house.

With all I have to do I lean more towards hatred for the man. This is definitely the last straw I cant get back with him and his sickness. I believe there is way to much water on the bridge. Matter of fact with all the woman, drugs and alchol I have to. I am just worried where he will end up. He is my daughter father.

I have been going thru this for 18 years. But thru this current off and on craziness 3 years where we have been splitting up. I am ready to find a really good guy and learn what a normal relationship is like. I think I deserve it. Not wanting to move in and get married but I just want a normal dating relationship. Someone to share things with and experience life with.

So come on guardian angel where are you?

The stress is crippling

2009-01-05T10:57:00.000-08:00

Yes I realize it has been a eternity since I have last blogged. However after you hear how my holidays have been you will quickly understand. I am very happy they are over and done with. There is so much to tell and I really dont know where to begin.

My Christmas I spent crying, it started with LR coming over in the morning to watch our daughter open presents. I was ok with this as I knew it would make her happy. He did come in with a attitude. I tried to make him breakfast so he could eat with us and the comment was made that he didnt want to eat my food. What a ass. He only stayed 2 hours exactly. I asked him if he was going to his families and he said NO that me and our daughter were his family and then he started to cry when he got up and walked out the door. So I became upset and actually believed that maybe all this time he has been telling the truth. That he hasnt been with anyone and really wants us back. So I spent the time from Christmas to the New year all upset and locked up in the house. What a waste......

New Years day around 9pm comes the text message. From whom you ask, the woman I have been accusing LR of sleeping with this whole time. In a nutt shell she tells me that she has been staying with LR since he has moved out at his Aunts house and that he has been blowing money on booze and drugs. I assumed all of this but it was nice to have it confirmed. Now you maybe wondering why she is telling me this. Well she hasnt heard from him since the day after Christmas and she finally ran into him New Years Eve at a bar. He walked in with another woman and her parents. She also found out about another woman he was with as well. So he cant even stay faith full with the woman he cheats on me with. I just dont understand how he can cry to me and lie right to my face.

Yesterday I called him to confront him and basically ask for child support and let him know the car insurance is due. His response was he will be giving me no money or help with house. He says he isnt going to make this easy for me. Like I was the cheater and I was the one who did something wrong in this marriage. If he was to stand in front of me I think I would kill him. He isnt hurting me he is hurting our daughter. Because now I am going to have to move to lord knows where and she is going to have to give up her room and her school all over again. So I have to go to social services. From what I have heard he hasnt been to work either. So I hope he still has a job.

Here comes the best part of these past couple weeks. On Friday I got a letter from the doctors office I now have to go in for my 3rd test in a series to see if I have cervical cancer. Thats right the big C. Worse part is with the new insurance this year I have a 400.00 deductible. This test/surgery in a couple weeks will take all of that. However I dont have 400.00. If I did I would get a lawyer on LR.

My feelings are all over the place right now. Its kinda like my whole life has been a lie. I dont know what things LR has ever said to me has been the truth. Kinda like I am living a nightmare.
I just know I have to get my ass in gear and get thru this without a breakdown or becoming a drunk. This is hard all by yourself and raising a daughter. I so wish the support and companionship of a man. I really wish I never gave LR another shot.

Here is to another week.

Happy Holidays

2008-12-24T08:01:00.000-08:00

Just wanted to wish anyone who maybe reading this a Happy Holiday. I wont be posting much until after the New Year as I am on vacation and doing family things. Wish me well as I have to deal with the Ex first thing in the morning at my house. At least he is coming to see his daughter. I can suck it up for a day.

You try to do good and drama...

2008-12-23T08:47:00.000-08:00

I realize it has been a few days since I have posted any information but I havent felt that good and the holidays really get me down. So here is the latest.

I have tried to keep to myself and just do my own thing. However I am finding that drama stills follows me. For instance...I went into my local bar on Saturday afternoon to see what in the hell is being said about me since my last drunk escapade in there. My daughter was at a friends house and I knew I was only going in for a couple and then bail out. While I was in there a regular came in that I am going to name J. J is a guy that also knows the Ex. Any ways there were a bunch of people in there and we were all doing the usual bullshit chatter about the holidays etc. As time rolls by J made a comment that he came by the house late one night about a month ago. I think to myself "ahhh that is who was banging on the door". I told him no I didnt know that and why would you come by. His response was "well why not?". "SHIT" I think to myself. J has a live in girlfriend who I find to be a complete bitch but that is besides the point. I dont have anything to do with men who are hooked up in any way shape or form. J proceeded to inform me that things have been bad for awhile and she is now sleeping in another room and has been for awhile. I do know this to be a true statement but still. I leave and pick up my daughter and we are home no more than 20 min and J shows up at the house. Of course I let him in and we talked for awhile. I lay ed it all out on the table that I am having nothing to do with him and to check back with me when she moves out. Fucking drama. I did nothing to bring that on. You can believe that because I want to keep in good graces at my local hang out. I decided to keep my stupid antics away from the home front. HA ha ha.

Lets move on to Sunday. It was a normal day I took my daughter to the mall did some laundry and just kicked back. Later that night right before bed the Ex calls and states he went and had "some words" with my sister in laws man. It seems he hit her again. OK what in the hell did I do to ask for that drama to be placed on me. I didnt want or ask him what he did this weekend. I got off the phone as quickly as possible. I dont think he understands that I dont want to know anymore. I dont want that drama. I dont call him unless it has to do with our daughter. In the past 2 months I called him 2 times. He will get a call next month that I am filing support because I looked at his account this morning. The man spent $281.00 in two days at the bars and I havent seen a dime in over 2 months. Big douche bag.

Any how what it boils down to is the fucking drama just wont go away. Please help me and take me away to a warm island where I can sit with a fruity drink on the beach all day. I am only asking for a week. Please.

Whewwwww!

2008-12-20T04:39:00.000-08:00

Today's blog is going to be a little different than my usual bullshit rants about my ex. By the way nothing has changed in that department. Here we go.....

Yesterday on my way home from work I got to thinking about a dear friend of mine who use to be my neighbor. Her and I are the same age and have tons in common. We even married the same type of man. However she choose to stay with her man after his cheating ways and he still drinks like a fish. I cant judge her at all as I have taken ass hat back a few times. She is also a hair dresser and I needed my hair cut in a bad way. So I figured lets kill two birds with one stone, her and I can catch up and she can cut my hair. So I offer to buy a pizza for her kids and get a couple beers and toss her a couple bucks if she comes over and hangs out for the evening and cuts my hair. She totally went for it. You see she has two young kids 5 and 2 and hardly ever gets out of the house and has girl time. When she lived next door it was great we hung out all the time and did this. I couldnt wait to see her and catch up on things. WOW!!!! when they showed up it was crazy. Her kids are wild as monkeys and I guess I never really cared before because we always kept if over at her house and I never cared. They were jumping on beds and jumping all over my daughter and driving her crazy and they ran circles in my house. Basically they destroyed my house. Love my girlfriend to death she tried to keep them in check but she has lost that battle. They stayed about 4 hours and when they left my daughter and I looked at each other and just went "Ahhhh". We were exhausted. My daughter is 12 and has always been a great well behaved kid. Dont get me wrong she has had her moments as all kids do but I could take her anywhere and she never acted like that. Not even in her own home.

That takes me to this point. I was 21 when I got pregnant. I could not imagine getting pregnant in my thirties as most of my friends are right now. Just like my girlfriend from last night. I cant imagine having young kids at this age. No patience at all for that shit. I am happy knowing when I turn 40 my kid will be 18. Who knows maybe thats why her kids are out of control. When I had my daughter I guess I had enough energy to work and still stay on top of her and make sure she did act right. Dont get me wrong I didnt beat her or anything but I also didnt let her get away with any bullshit. For that matter I still dont.

God bless all you thirty somethings that are just now starting your families. I thank the lord I started when I did. I like being one of the youngest mothers in my daughters class and that her grandparents are still young as well. Not that you all are doing anything wrong I just know I couldnt do it at this age.

Wheewww.

The Ass Hat

2008-12-18T10:29:00.000-08:00

Yes the ass hat can still bring me to tears. I fucking hate that about him. Why can't he just let it go and leave me alone? LR called last night with the same old line saying he just wanted to hear my voice and basically feeling me out and seeing if I am giving in. I didn't! He calls this morning again saying the roads are bad due to ice and was telling me some things I needed to do to the house since the temperatures are below freezing now. The conversation quickly turns to us and I end up in tears. The tears came from me explaining to him why I am not taking his ass back. He is making this all my fault that we are not together. Yes, I told him to get out, however, I had good reason. Duh! he was calling other woman, drinking all the time and lying constantly to me. This isnt the first time. So I kept on asking him what has changed? Whats different this time? I then ask him tell me the last time we had a good time together were we both were not drinking? He couldnt do it. He just kept saying he loved me. Well I have quickly found out that love just isnt enough.

I told him to remember just a year and a half ago when I gave up everything and moved back in with him after the accident. Believing every word he said about how this time it would be different. Within 3 months he was calling the other woman again and drinking heavily. I stuck it out for over a year because I didnt want to put my daughter through this bullshit all over again and I knew the other woman was having nothing to do with him. But it still wasnt right. Now there has been a couple woman that he is messing with along with whisky and possibly drugs. Who in the hell would want all that back? He keeps saying he will get help. I have heard that to many times.

It really sucks to know that your husband has had sex with more woman during your marriage than you have slept with guys in your entire life. It also suck ass to know that the person you are suppose to depend on and trust the most in your life has broken your trust time and time again and has caused you to not even trust your own family. I vent my feelings on this blog because I dont trust anyone talk about these things. Its sad when one person has caused you to become this crazed fucking fruit cake.

Even if he was to get help and go into rehab I still wouldnt take him back as I am realizing we have way to many other issues on our plate. I dont wish anything upon him but I do wish he would leave me alone and only call and talk about our daughter.

Heres to a life of sanity from now on. Damn it where is prince charming when you need him?

Feelings

2008-12-17T05:51:00.000-08:00

This is such a "Duh" statement but being alone just sucks sometimes. I mean I feel like a 80 year old nun. No sex, no companionship, work, home, and sleep. Same routine every fucking day during the week. Don't get me wrong I have been out partying for the past couple weekends and sure you can take a guy home from the bar but what is that getting you? No where but drama and someone getting there feelings hurt in the end. Right now it wouldn't be me. The ex has me not trusting and a slight bit of hatred for morons. I really need to stop that because I know not everyone is like him. But he has caused me to lose allot. I cant wait until this part of my life is behind me. Should be just a few more months and everything should fall into place again. I would rather live like the 80 year old nun that live the with him and be miserable. (however I would be getting sex..LOL) Yea he has called already this morning, I didnt answer, he was saying the roads were OK and I should be safe this morning, oh and he loves me. What the fuck is that???? Cant he just leave me alone. How do you screw other woman and then say that to me. Ughhh!

It's hump day and the weather is shitty but at least we are half way to the weekend. Whoo hooo. Right now the weekend is just set up to do things with my kid and wrap presents. Oh the damn house really needs some attention. Its not a mess but I do need to scrub floors and the bathroom. Grocery shopping needs to be done as well. I swear I would rather clean the toilet than grocery shop. I hate that fucking job the most. There is a idea for a business, hire someone to do it for you. I will just suck it up and get it all done this weekend. That way next week will hopefully be smooth sailing. Keep your fingers crossed.

Ta Ta for now!

A early Christmas gift

2008-12-16T09:04:00.000-08:00

With all of the stress and pressure I have been feeling lately I received probably the best gift I will get last night. It came from my daughter. She is studying family life in school right now. Last nights assignment was all about self esteem etc. I was to sit down with her and complete a questionnaire/work sheet. I help her with homework every night anyway so that was no big deal. One of the work sheets was to list what you were proud of about yourself, who are you role models and just general questions like that. I wasn't expecting her to put me as a roll model. I really figured after the past couple weeks and her attitudes towards me that she may have thought I was part of the problem in her father and I splitting up and that she just in general didnt put me in the category of a roll model. But she did. All I could do was ask her if that was how she really felt. She said yes. That was the best gift I could have received. I guess I am not doing as bad as I thought or felt. I just love that kid of mine. She made a rough day bright.

Pressure is stressfull.

2008-12-15T10:28:00.000-08:00

I have no idea where to begin. This weekend was so fucking unbelievable. Not in a good way either. I know I said I was going to lay low and not drink and just basically chill out this weekend. However, of course I did not do that...
Saturday while I was working LR called me and asked me to meet him when I got off of work so he could shop for our daughter. So I did, he met me in the parking lot at my job and I rode over with him. I figured we could hopefully talk and get the child support and bills settled. I knew as soon as I got the in vehicle that I made a bad decision. He has turned into a maniac. He was hateful and drove like a idiot. Acted like he didnt care what happened. We make it to the mall and walked in silence he got a couple things and then said he was thirsty. So we go to a restaurant in the mall and sit at the bar and he is ordering whisky, plain on the rocks. Its not even 1:30pm yet. Un fucking believable. He hasnt changed at all. If anything he has gotten worse. So of course we start bantering back and forth and I get blamed and told I am sleeping with someone. Ok you shit head you just spent a weekend with another woman, but he claims they didnt sleep together. I am not that fucking stupid. So he takes me back to my truck and then peels wheels out of there and then jumps over curbs and grass to leave the lot. Great this is my place of business. I just headed home.
Once I got home my uncle calls and says my aunt from down the road is coming up and I should go to his house. (my aunts and uncles are very cool not old and we all party together) I told him no but they kept calling me and so finally I gave in. Peer pressure is a bitch. Once I got there we head over to the bar. I use to hang out there when I lived near my uncle when LR and I split up. LR's Mom and step Dad go there to as they live close to by as well. But that didnt worry me as LR told me he doesnt talk to her anymore and he was suppose to have plans. So we are sitting there and sure enough who walks in but LR and his mom. SHIT!!!! so we pick up and go to leave and LR stops me and says no he will leave. I kept on walking out and so does he. My family and I leave and head to another bar down the road. I have also been in this bar with one of the guys I was seeing 2 years ago when LR and were split. My aunt jokes about who else is going to show up. And sure enough in walks my ex. LOL he walks right on by and uses the bathroom and then walks out. I just couldnt believe my luck. I knew I should have just stayed home. I called LR's mom and ask her if LR came back to the bar and she said no. So we all headed back to that bar as it was closer to home and we all knew people in there. The rest of the evening was fine and I ended up having a good time just hanging out with my family and friends. Plus I got to flirt a little bit with this guy I just adore. However nothing is going to become of it because he knows my life is a mess and just cant go down that road right now.
Sunday I wake up and head home so I can get my daughter from my step-mom. We just chill for the day and made dinner etc. Then LR's mom calls and tries to get me to let LR come home. I can understand she wants him to move back home because she hates were he is living and she wants him to get help etc. But she doesnt understand that I cant do it. My marriage has been destroyed. There is no trust there. How can I forgive everything he has done. He isnt going to change or he would have by now. I cant just say "ok come home everything will be ok" because it wont. What is changing? Sure he says he loves me and he wants to come home. But if he truly loved me he wouldnt have destroyed things AGAIN. Yes my life is hard and I have no idea where I am going to live in a couple months and yes it would be easy to just say ok come home. But for some reason this time I just cant do it. I have done that to many times. Maybe my love for him is gone. I dont want anything to happen to him and I think he is the biggest douche alive. But I hate to see him this way and dont want this for him. I wish I had all the answers but I just dont know right now what to do and I hate all the pressure I am receiving from his mother and him. He called me this morning and late last night saying he loves me and wants this to work. Its literally making me ill. I HATE PRESSURE. Leave me alone fuckers!!!!

SOOO Frustrated

2008-12-12T09:04:00.000-08:00

My life seems to just be spinning out of control. The worst part is I don't think I can do anything about it. This finally seems to be affecting my daughter. I have had two nights this week were she has turned and thrown major attitude my way were she became really nasty and gone to her room and slammed the door. This normally is not her and the attitude came from right out of no where. They also occurred after LR's appearance Tuesday evening. So that is the only reason I have come up with. I feel sorry for her so I just tell her that I dont understand her outburst towards me and I really dont appreciate it. That if she has something she needs to talk to me about that I am here. That is all I can really do.

After dealing with the second out burst last night, this morning the jackass calls me and wants to know about what to buy our daughter for Christmas and what I had gotten her. I told him what I had and he was shocked and said that I didnt tell him. Well duh he wont talk to me. So I told him that. Then he starts with wanting to come home etc. I hate him for doing this...he is making it all my fault and he isnt doing anything wrong and still claiming he has slept with no one. I soooo dont believe him. He says he will make it so we can keep the house if I let him come back. He never did answer me about the support I am suppose to be receiving. He ended the conversation by saying we should shop together tomorrow for Christmas. What a fucking joke. Hell NO!!! But I do need to talk to him....Hopefully he will call again. Other wise the child support papers are getting filed.

I had the weirdest dream about him last night. I was trying to save him and our cat from something and I dont know what it was. But I just woke up with this extreme feeling to help him, and the damn cat for some strange reason. I am still trying to rationalize that dream.

The weekend is here and I am serious about trying to change my ways. So I am going to work and get my remaining shopping done tomorrow. I will be alone as my daughter is sleeping over with her grandmother and her neice. So maybe I will get some ice cream and watch lifetime. I need a good cry so hopefully something good will be on. Tonight I am taking my daughter to dinner and stop and maybe see a friend. So I am trying to keep busy.

Heres to changing...

Still a douche

2008-12-10T11:19:00.000-08:00

LR is still a douche bag. I made the deal with him to bring me oil to heat the house and I would pay his car insurance this month. Figured that would be cheaper for me and it doesn't cost him a thing as he steals it from his company. So he finally showed up last night. I figured great I would get to ask him about the house, bills, and child support and hopefully we could be civil. So he whips in the house like some sort of bad ass and gathers his mail real quick never speaking to me and only telling our daughter hello. He turns getting ready to leave and I said "hay are you leaving? we really need to talk about things blah blah blah." He basically just told me he didnt have time for this bullshit and left in a hurry. So nothing has been resolved he was a a complete asshole and again I got no money or any kind of support from him. I would almost be ok if he got our daughter a coat or something for school or anything at this point. But fucking nothing...he has been gone for months now. How am I suppose to survive and move out? I barely make enough to go day to day now. FUCK! I am so stressed out. The only alternative I have is to file for child support but I am so scared that he will quit his job or totally go off on me. The anger in him last night was just vibrating off of him. I strongly believe he is on drugs.

After LR left last night his mother called me and was basically crying and a complete mess over him. She was telling me a good friend of the family told her that she knows allot of stuff but is unable to tell her because she is his mother and it would destroy her. That confirms it for me that yes he is on drugs and into some kind of bad activity. I did the right thing no matter how hard it is right now. I dont know why this woman is now thinking we are back to being best buds but she was a mess.

Really not sure where to go from here. I promised my daughter I would stay within the school district. I have no where to go anyways and no money. All I can do is file for support and see what he does. I am thinking I will give him until Tuesday to talk to me. Tuesday is my daughters chorus concert and he said he would be there. If he shows I will catch him there and explain what I am about to do. But hopefully I he will man up and call me before then.

Life is so hard. When we are little we cant wait to grow up and when you are grown up you just wish you were little again.

Trust

2008-12-09T05:05:00.000-08:00

You see THAT girl, yeah her. She seems so invincible right. but just touch her & she'll flinch.She has secrets & she trusts no one.she's the perfect example of betrayal. cause everyone she trusted, broke her - xanga

I must never drink again

2008-12-08T11:01:00.001-08:00

Oh yea you know it. My stupid ass went out Friday night and got so drunk I fucked up and kissed the guy up the street right at the local bar where everyone is now talking about it. I am timing it to see how long it takes to get back to LR. I cant believe I did that. I didnt want to kiss him. If I would have been sober I am sure it would have never happened. However you know how it goes you get drunk and shit happens. So now I am on damage control. Kicking dude up the street to the curb and told him it was not a big deal and that it was nothing. You see he was quick to ask me to dinner yesterday. I am also keeping my ass out of the bar for a awhile and staying at home and just getting packed up and ready for the day to come where I have to move. Ughhh I cant believe I let that happen. I am so embarrassed. How can I talk about LR and then I go and get just stupid drunk where I dont remember everything???? The madness has to stop. I knew I wasnt in the right frame of mind to go out as I was pissed off on Friday. Oh yea E was there...my new partner in crime...she was just as messed up and being talked about.

Ok so Saturday I had to go pick up my daughter from his mother and I ended up having a 2 hour chat with her all about LR and the meeting she had with E. She insist she is a liar and that she never said any of that shit. I just dont know who to believe. So I choose to just hide out and talk to no one. She now knows my side of the story and why I asked LR to leave. I also told her I dont care for her sister (that is who LR is living with) nor do I care for her daughter who is a huge liar. I just dont care what I tell them anymore. I have learned to trust no one.

I got word today that LR is still seeing the skank bartender that he just swore to me on Friday that he hasnt slept with anyone. Well my friend was at the bar yesterday and low and behold LR was dropping her off at the bar...obviously from the night before. He is a mess because just last night he was ringing my phone and then this morning to. I didnt answer either time. How do you do that after you just dropped off your girlfriend. He is sooooo gross. The worst part is that I think I have to see him tonight. He wants to get his mail and bring me heating oil. I pray I get thru this without running my mouth about what I know. Not like I have any room to talk but I went home alone and didnt fuck anyone. So I shouldnt feel guilty.

Ok....just focus...no more drinking....and forget about this weekend.....

Another wonderful morning.

2008-12-05T08:40:00.000-08:00

You are suppose to be all happy and cheerful when Friday arrives. However, this morning as I am rushing around getting myself ready and breakfast and lunch ready for my daughter and making sure she is awake and in the shower on time the phone rings.....great! First its my daughters cell and I go over to it (she is in the shower) and I can see that it is my mother in law. Its 6:45 am what in the hell does she want. As soon as it stops ringing my phone ring and its my ass hat of a x-husband. I wasnt going to answer it but I was scared because they both called that something could have happened to someone in the family. NO!!! its just him being him, and on a Friday at that. Ruined my fucking Friday morning. He is saying he wanted to make sure the kid was up and ready for school. My reply "why didnt you call her phone then?". Yea just another excuse. He called back like 2 more times and we did the same old song and dance. Him stating he doesnt want this divorce and me stating he hasnt changed. He hasnt paid a flipping bill in months nor has he given me any money. So where is it all going???? I assume to beer etc. I just cant stand it he says he is worse without me and I tried to tell him he was doing this shit while I was living with him so obviously he needs to do this on his own. He also says he hasnt slept with anyone. I dont believe him he cant live without sex. And he says he doesnt believe me either. Whatever! He has me so stressed out. I hate his calls. They are so dramatic.
Anyway his mother was calling because she wants my daughter to go to this Christmas breakfast thing with the rest of the grandkids. So she is getting her tonight since I have to work in the morning. Maybe I can go to Karaoke tonight with my friends then for a little while. Cant be out late as I have to work early and I dont have any money. As it is I am going to have to bounce a check so I can get a tree. So sad how my life has become. But you have to do what you have to do. My kid will always come first. Fuck her father....

I just feel like shit!

2008-12-04T10:47:00.000-08:00

For starters yesterday went pretty well. Nothing really exciting just left early yesterday for our company xmas lunch and then my friend and I went out for a couple beers before heading home to cook dinner, do homework and make cookies with the kid. Then it was off the bed. No phone calls from my jackass of a X or anything like that. But this morning I am just feeling like shit. Not in the sick manner just like shit. Like I just have the blues and I cant figure it out. Maybe its because I looked at my oil tank and realized I will be out of heat soon and we are into December and I know I am going to have to move and I dont have the money or anywhere to go. Its all bothering me. Then the jackass wont talk to me about support or the house and other bills. So "yes" I am freaking out I guess thus causing me to feel like shit today. Oh and I still dont have the results of the test that I took at the doctors last week. Typing this always brings things to light for me.

Lets think of the positive. I do have some xmas shopping done. I have family that I believe loves me even tho they can be fruity at times. I have a beautiful and wonderful daughter. I do have a job and home "TODAY!". I must also still have my looks because this weekend I got called "smokin hot" and then yesterday some guy gave me his business card. That promptly got thrown away. How does a guy expect you to call him when all he does is hand you his card as he sees you are getting ready to leave. And he was at the bar the whole time I was there. I am not calling anyone who does that dumb shit. Shoot I am not calling any man right now. Who needs that bullshit after being married for as long as I have been?

Ok, I am feeling a little better now. Lets hope I can stay this way.

This is such shit

2008-12-03T05:59:00.000-08:00

This has just been a shit ass week so far and I am not even half way thru it. Ok on Monday I meet LR's mother to pick up my daughter then I was headed to the mall to get her a new winter coat and outfit for her chorus concert. On the way to mall she informs me that while she stayed with my whacko of a sister in law on Saturday night that she, my niece, nephew and new born niece were all left alone while she and her man of the week went out for the evening. Now I know what you are thinking. My niece is 13 and my daughter is 12. However i dont leave her alone at night and I dont live on top of a mountain with no neighbors let alone with a newborn baby and some bad ass cousins. So I was not pleased or amused at all. Let alone if I was to leave my kid alone while I went out drinking they would run the fucking mouths about me. Then I find out that LR never did come visit her or call her once while she was with his family. He isnt exactly working on father of the year with me. It was a damn holiday weekend come on now.

Skip ahead to yesterday. I get a message from E stating that some guy called her company (ok this is were LR use to work and E is the one he had a affair with and now her and I are talking) looking for him and she stated she gave him my number so that he could get in contact with LR. She said it could be a job offer as he is with a competitor and use to work with LR on joint jobs. So I did, I passed the message by calling LR and I was pleasant and he called me back stating sure enough that this guy wanted a resume sent to him could I do him this favor since I have his resume on my computer. I did it for several reasons. One being the job he has could be ending soon and two this could mean more money for him which could mean he could help me out some more. Plus this could be what he needs to make him better. Then I got to thinking. LR is the type once I start being nice he takes it to mean more than that. Sure enough at 9:30 he calls last night stating he was thinking of me and he misses me blah blah blah. It turns into a discussion that he doesnt like and states that I havent had my child on the weekends since he has been gone. Which is bullshit. I turn it on him stating well you havent even seen your child since you have been gone. He procedes to tell me he isnt going to see her again and he feels he is a embarassment to her. Thats really fucking mature. I am sooo pissed that I cant believe I am married to his idiot. He thinks I am fucking someone. Which we all know I am not. I need to fix me before I drag someone else into my hell. I know he has so why is he on my ass and bringing that shit up. He hung up on me but before he did he started the whole suicide talk stating he cant do this and live like this anymore and that I will read about him in the paper. GREAT just what I need. I hate him for doing that to me. He knows my father did that and at the holidays. He knows how to get to me. I hate now that I am living in hear of that dreaded phone call I may receive. And I will blame myself because I am doing nothing.

Weekend Recap

2008-12-01T05:59:00.000-08:00

I am really not sure how I am feeling this morning. This weekend was either what I needed or I am just in a holiday funk. What I am going thru is just really weird. I dont know how to feel anymore.

Where do I begin. On Friday after work I did go out with the other woman whom I am now referring to as E. We went to the local bar with her roommate A whom is also LR's x-stepsister. So I was already walking on shaky ground. Oh...also E's brothers where there as well. I knew them from LR working with them all. I decided to just go with it and just party on. I wanted to go to see that band I was talking about my cold was kinda keeping me down and I wanted to stay local in case I really started feeling worse I could just bail and go the hell home. We ended up closing the bar down and then going to E and A's house to continue on. During this time LR is calling me but I am not answering. He left a message saying we needed to talk. Sometime while I was in the bathroom I tried to call him. Something I wouldnt have done if I was sober. Luckily he didnt answer. I still have not spoken to him but A did call him and he did answer. So now he knows I was with them. Fucking great....he will use that one against me later. I didnt end up getting home until 5:30 am. I have decided hanging out with them is just not healthy. E is a slut ....duh like I didnt fucking realize that she did sleep with my husband. No wonder he went with her she is a drinker who gives it up easily. Not my problem tho right? Really tho she slept with this dork of a guy that night that she just met. Ewwwhhhh. And he was fucking ugly and dorky as hell.

Once I was home I got a few hours of sleep and started thinking about my child coming home and us getting the holiday decorations up. However she never has come home yet. She is still with LR's family. There is no school today so she decided she wanted to stay. Ughhh. I never did leave the house until this morning. I just sat and had time to reflect on how fucked up my life has become. And how I can fix it? how can I move on? how am I getting money? where am I going to live? will I get child support without a fight? what is going to happen to LR? and damn it I really dont have any good friends. Being married to LR it seems that I gave up all my friends. So I am really alone. This weekend just really bought everything to light.

Going thru a divorce is really life changing. Especially when I am losing so much and my credit is shot to shit and I have no money. I resolved nothing this weekend but I learned I have allot to think about.

I hate the holidays. This is the time of year my I lost my parents. Not at the same time. My mom just about 5 years before my dad. For those of you who dont know my mother was killed in a car accident when I was 17 and my father committed suicide on Christmas eve when I was 23. My grandfather also died in December just last year. So me going thru this shit with LR and now the holidays approaching I think I really need to get my shit together and start just putting my all into getting my act together and start packing and doing allot of kid oriented things to get my mind off all the bullshit in my life. Maybe I did need this weekend alone. :)

Post Holiday Ramble

2008-11-28T03:59:00.000-08:00

Well the turkey day is over and I have been at work for a hour now. I had to come in at 6:00 am this morning. I am lucky because I stayed last night with my family so my daughter didnt have to be by herself today. It's also convenient for my LR's mother to pick her up since she lives about 5 miles from them. I should be ignorant and hurry back after work then take her all the way home so she has to drive a 1/2 hour to get her. I believe to much in karma to do that shit though.

Lets see how did yesterday go? First off I was up at 6:30 with this damn cold that doesnt seem to be going away. So I figured I would go ahead and finish making the couple of things I was suppose to bring for dinner. Talked to my Aunt for a little bit on the phone and then headed to the shower. LR called and said he wanted to wish me a happy holiday. Barf!!! I politely asked him if he was going to his sisters (they do every year) he said "no" he told me he didnt want to answer any questions or deal with them. What the fuck??? I asked him what questions would be asked we havent been together in a couple months and he has been out of the house for 1 month now. So what else could be asked? He simply told me that he wasnt dealing with it or taking there calls. I guess he wanted me to feel sorry for him, that isnt going to happen anymore. I know to much now of all the shit he has pulled on me and how much of a dog he really is. He did speak to our daughter and tell her a Happy Thanksgiving. I am wondering how long he is going to go before he takes and does anything with her. Even just to take her to dinner. Men are such scum when it comes to separation and divorces. I guess it was a good thing when we were together that I basically did it all when it came to her and everything with the house. Because since he has been gone nothing has really changed except the arguing and seeing him trashed etc. Its just calmer. I feel for my daughter though. However she hasnt asked to see him either. They say you marry men that remind you of your father and I think I have done just that. Fuck!!! I really did marry my father.

Once I got to my aunt and uncles for dinner my cousins who are 21 and 24 were drinking and already about half shit faced. (isnt family great?) The one ended up passed out by 4:00 pm. Then one of my aunts got in my face. This is the aunt who ran into LR's mom and now on her side. She said how can she be lying when she was crying right in the middle of Walmart. She told me that the "other woman" is lying to me and that LR's mom went to see her to tell her to stay away from him etc. First of all if that is true how come his mother hasnt called me and told me this all isnt true. And what does the "other woman" have to gain by lying to me? I went to her and she had another man when LR went and tried to get back with her. You have to read my earlier post to get the whole story. Point is I dont believe LR's mom. So turkey day was something else.

I am hoping after work I can go home take some Nyquil and then sleep and wake up and be all better. I know that is just a dream but I really want to go out and see this band tonight and just have fun. I sooooo need it. Then the rest of the weekend will be a kid weekend and decorating for Christmas. I need to find a man to help me get the tree. Guess LR was good for something besides sex. (speaking of....damn I miss sex...sigh)

Oh well I need to change that subject before I head out tonight and do something I will regret. I really dont need all that drama in my life. Its already fucked up enough. Ok time to get back to work. I hope everyone had a great holiday.

Thanksgiving Bouquet

2008-11-26T12:31:00.000-08:00

I am still sick as hell and praying I am better by the weekend. Last night after work I stopped at the store and picked up the items I am suppose to bring for the big day. I was dying the entire time. But I made it. Of course once I got home I had to make dinner and straighten up a bit. When I was finally settled and praying for the couch and my blanket another knock at the door came. So I go to answer it and what do I see but the dude up the streets little nephew. He hands me the bouquet of flowers and says who they are from and then runs off my porch. It was the funniest damn thing I have ever seen. He was so cute. You could tell he was nervous. Now I am just not sure what to think of this. I am suppose to go out with him and a few other from the bar this Saturday. I didnt think anything of it, really, I just thought OK a bunch of friends all hanging out. Now I am wondering. Come to find out I cant go this Saturday as I am sure I will have my daughter. LR's mother actually called yesterday and asked my daughter to come spend Friday night with her. So that will be my night out as I will be getting my kid back Saturday afternoon. She kinda ticks me off. Waits months to call and then because its a holiday she wants her. But I wont have to deal with her much longer since they are moving. I have vented enough about that fucked up family. I just put up with their shit for my daughters sake. I really wanted to take that phone and tell her what the fuck I thought of her. Its the holiday season so I am being nice and not saying anything. "If you dont have anything nice to say dont say anything at all" thats the motto unless I am blogging to you all or I just cant stand it anymore.

So lets all pray tomorrow goes smoothly for us all. Peace and Happy Thanksgiving

More doctors

2008-11-25T12:30:00.000-08:00

This morning started out like total shit. I woke at 2:30 am with my throat killing me and I couldnt go back to sleep. I didnt go right into work as I had a scheduled doctors appointment at 9:00 am for a colposcopy (not sure if that is spelled right) . So my daughter woke up and as her and I are getting ready (her for school me for my appt) the phone rings. It's LR....fucking great just what I need I feel like shit, I am not looking forward to this appointment and now him. He just called to say he missed his family etc. What the fuck. Dude you just told me a week ago that his daughter and I need to leave him alone and that he is done with us etc. I told him that I am done fighting with him and that we need to settle the house and other bills and just move on to our seperate ways. He says he knows and when we he went to hang up he told me he loved me. I just sighed and hung up. He is a damn mess. Oh and he spoke to our daughter for like 2 minutes. Whooo hooo.

On to the colposcopy. I had a bad pap smear come back so they had to take chunks out of my cervix to check for cancer. Those of you who have had this procedure know that IT FUCKING HURTS AND IT SUCKS BIG TIME. I am still in pain. They warn you of this. It already sucks that your feet are in the air spread wide open in a doctors face then it has to hurt on top of all that. The good news is I now have to go back every 6 months instead of once a year. Cervical cancer runs in my family so its great that this is passed to me in my early 30's. Story of my life.

Just another lovely week for me. I am sicker than hell my nose is running down my face. I cant breathe and my chest and throat really hurt. I cant wait to run home and climb back in bed....oh shit wait....there is homework to be done, dinner to be made and then dishes...ahhh the joys of being a single parent and the only responsible party my child now has. That fucker I married I could just kill some days.

Its been awhile.

2008-11-24T12:33:00.000-08:00

Its been a few days since my last post. So I am trying to figure out what in the hell has happened since then. First off since I last spoke with LR on Wednesday and he said for us to leave him alone and he is getting out of mine and my daughters life we have not heard a damn word from him. That really pisses me off since he is that immature. I feel really sorry for my daughter. I of course did not tell her that her father has said that. I figure let her think he is just busy. So no news on him. Its been kinda nice to tell you the truth. It is raining here and he doesnt work in the rain so I am wondering if he has stopped by the house knowing we are not home. Ugghhh. Snooping and stealing soap again. LMAO

The visitor that stopped by my house hasnt been back and I didnt see him while I was out this Saturday. I kinda thought I would. But he didnt come in. However I did see his brother there and he also seems interested in me. Not sure if that will ever go anywhere he is nice and all but I am just not sure. I was able to get out because my daughter wanted to go stay at my uncles and play on the Internet and chat with her friends. However if LR knows I went out I would just be accused of dumping her so I could party. What he doesnt know is I was trying to talk her out of it because I did go to work and didnt really have any plans. But she really wanted to go. Never mind that he hasnt gotten her or done anything with her in months. He has allot of room to talk. So I stopped at the bar to sign the books and ended up staying out until 1:30 am. There was a bunch of people in there. Even my daughter little boyfriends Mom who is awesome and we get along great. So we chatted about the kids and had a few drinks and shot darts. Ended up having a great time with everyone.

So its the holiday season and work is crazy and its time to spend with family and the usual BS that comes with that. I will be of course going to my families for Thanksgiving and I am hoping LR's family doesnt start any bullshit. I am wishing for quiet and happy holiday. We all deserve it.

Man I am realizing since I havent talked to LR I really dont have a whole lot of bitching to do any more. This is kinda nice. So this is what a regular life is like. Ahhhh

About last night

2008-11-20T10:58:00.000-08:00

After the ordeal I had yesterday when I got home I had a very interesting visitor stop by. While I was in the kitchen making dinner my daughter comes running and says there is someone knocking on the window by the front door. So I tell her to just stay in the kitchen with me. Sometimes the boys in the neighborhood do that to get her attention. The knock occured again. No ones knocks on front door that really knows us they come to the back kitchen door. So I go to the door and low and behold its a guy whose mom and dad live up the street just a few house and that I have seen out and about. LR and I actually partied with him and his girlfriend about 6 months ago. So I went out and talked to him. He seemed really akward. I waited to see what he wanted, he starts out by saying he heard LR and I were having issues and he hasnt seen him around. I said yes that it the same old shit just a different day. He explains that him and his girlfriend also busted up a few months back. He asks if I think its truly over for LR and I. I explained yes that I think there is just to much water under this bridge. We talked awhile more. He then ask me if I want to go out sometime. I just about fell over. This happened last time to. When LR and I split the time before this one of his co-workers stopped by and asked me out just a couple weeks after we split up. I said no to that one, a co-worker that is weird. I just cant believe men. Its that or LR really has no friends. Because in my eyes that takes big balls.

So tell me, all who are reading this should I go out on a date with this guy???? He is good looking. Has his own place and of course a job. He has two kids a boy (10) and girl (5) they live with mom. I have already met his boy he is a good kid. Also this guy doesnt really drink so that is a plus. He is a good dad from what I have seen. I am just not sure. I left it open with him.

Leave your comments please.

OMG! My crazy F'in life continue

2008-11-19T12:19:00.000-08:00

Lets see where do I start. Okay.....last night I left work and went home to do the usual routine. Dinner, help kid with home work, straighten up, and did a load of clothes. I then proceeded to the kitchen and was working on trying to fix my cell phone. Mine decided the face of it just wanted to go black. So I am taking out the sim card and turning off and on the phone. When at the kitchen door LR just walks right the fuck in. No knock, no phone call, no nothing. So I automatically start bitchin. You see when I moved out the last time I never once did that. Matter of fact I didnt even come to the house until after his accident and then he couldnt drive to meet at the park and ride where we met to exchange our daughter. He says he stills has his name on the house etc. So the F what! He could have still knocked. So we argued, he got pissed again when I asked for the cell phone back. He has a work phone not like I left him high and dry. I am not paying for his social life. It got thrown at my neck. Ass hat!!!! But I got the phone back. He then went looking thru the fridge and the bathroom. I couldnt understand until this morning when I went to take a shower. The god damn bar of soap was missing. WTF right? Why would he take the soap. So I had to get out of the shower and get another bar. I hate that shit. The one he took was almost brand new. He slammed the door leaving last night and called me a skank. Whatever. Because I am getting out and screwed so much lately. I wish....

Ok today's drama. First off while apologizing to my daughter about the fight last night between her father and myself she asks me if I knew her Dad had gotten drunk in a bar and beat up. I said "yes how do you know" She tells me the kids in school know from there parents and now they are teasing her about it. Great, small town living. So I get a call at lunch time from LR's mother first. She left a message asking about a present for our daughter for Christmas. I tried to call her back she didnt answer, I answered her question and hung up. Then LR calls and leaves a message about me, my cousin and his X. The one I went out with on Halloween. So I call him back. Come to find out my aunt saw his mother and told her that yea we had all gone out. What the fuck was she thinking????why tell my business she knows I have issues with his mother. Then we get back into a argument about the same old stuff Then I tell him what our daughter told me this morning. His response to me was "well if you are going to treat me like shit and be a bitch and she is embarrassed of me you can both just stay the hell out of my life" and he hung up. Real mature right? I try to call him back he answers and told me its a work number and never to call back. So I sent a text message and told him our daughter did not ask for this and that if he decides not to talk to her that is on him. I havent heard a word since.

This bullshit is just never ending and the people who are jumping into this shit just need to stop it because they are just making it worse. Now I have to sit and wonder if he will get drunk and do something to himself. Because that is how he is. I should have never told him what my daughter told me but he had me so flippin mad that I had to make a point that his actions affect not just him. This just sucks. I hate the drama and just want a fresh start some where else.

Until tonight crusade. Man I hope its quiet. However it wont be because I am not done with my aunt yet.

I Am Such A Bitch Lately

2008-11-18T10:53:00.000-08:00

I know I have been a complete and total bitch towards LR and a few others the past couple days but I cant imagine why....Hhhhmmmm. He was even stupid enough to send me a texts and ask me if I was having a bad day and why am I treating him like this. He is so fucking stupid. He is the only person who has caused this. I simply kept coming back because I believed in him and wanted my family back. I admit I was stupid but still this boils down to him. Then you top it off with him and his family not seeing my daughter. Then I really become the bitch. Here we are at the holidays and I cant wait to see what happens then. You can bet your ass I am not answering the phone or any message from any of them.
I could also be feeling on edge and bitch because damn it I havent had sex in a looonnnnng time. I really need a good romp in the hay with a guy who doesnt speak. LOL.
The hate I have is because I have to be the responsible one while he is kid free and partying it up and NOT paying bills, homework, meals and taking the kid to school events. I hate that he can be the single male with no responsibilities. He hasnt paid any bills for real. So I am waiting on notices to start rolling in. It wont be long and I will be in social services for child support. Not sure how long that will last though. I am sure he is on the verge on losing his job. Yes ladies and gentleman I married a fucking loser. The best part is he keeps asking me to help him and take him back. Like he is a homeless dog. Im sorry he needs to get himself help for all the drinking and womanizing he does. The woman come because of the drinking.
Last night I didnt answer his calls and this morning I didnt answer his text message that had animation of a cartoon character blowing kisses and saying "good morning my family" what family is that? you fucking douche?????
The only good that came out of this is my beautiful smart daughter. God how I love her and am happy she is doing so well. She knows her father is a drunk.

I married a complete douche!!

2008-11-17T10:57:00.000-08:00

On Friday I got a text message from my lovely husband asking me what he had to do for us to get back together. I replied that before I even consider it there would need to be major counseling and 30 days of rehab. I of course didnt hear anything again until this morning. You know he had to party all weekend. Duh!! This morning text message was telling me good morning and that he loved me. I kept after him with just mean messages. He never saw he daughter or called her until yesterday. They spoke for literally 2 minutes. So know quality time there at all. He is just such a fucking douche bag. I just dont understand how you can go months without spending any real time with your only child. His mother hasnt called her either. Fuck all of them.
Yes I have much hatred in me. Also because I have gone a long time with no sex or affection.
This Saturday night my daughter spent with my step-mother and so I headed out only to be gone 2 hours. No one was out that night. Now watch everyone will be out this weekend and I wont be able to go out. Just my shitty luck lately. And I missed the reunion. It was this past Friday and I thought it was this Friday. Again my shitty luck. So I wont get to see that guy I was previously talking about.
I did get some Christmas shopping done after work on Saturday so at least some of it is done. I am only buying for my daughter as I am flat broke. Still dont know how I can afford to move. LR come to find out hasnt paid the mortgage for Oct or Nov and here it is almost December. He is drinking his money away. The bike payment and insurance wasnt paid either. What a FUCKING LOSER.
The rest of my weekend was ok other than my daughters mouth. I am going easy on her as I know this has to be getting to her. I know how I felt when my father never came around for months. I hate that she is going thru this and karma is a bitch so he will get his. You would have thought he would learn.
Oh well. Here is to another wonderful week.....:)

Way to much time at the doctors!!!!

2008-11-11T12:30:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I had scheduled the day off to take my daughter to the dentist. Figured I would just take the whole day and chill out the remainder of it as I have been putting in six days a week at work. Well it was a good thing I did. My daughter has been having problems with her leg so in the morning I called to see if the family doctor could also see her and luckily they could. So off we went at 10:30 in the morning. First one scheduled was the dentist, wouldnt you know it they were running behind. Spent 1 1/2 hours there. For a cleaning. We had a hour or so to wait until the next appointment. All our doctors are 30 minutes from our house as we live in the boonies. So we shop around for a couple things we need. At the family doctors they were on time, however, we get sent to a off campus for x-rays. Several hours were spent between those two things. Final time we made it home 6:00pm. I was exhausted. But at least all of that is done. I should hear in a couple days the results of the x-days. That will determine what to do next as they dont know where or why she is having pain. There was no accident that she is telling me about. As for LR he knows nothing as he hasnt called or seen her. Wait I take that back the fucker bought her lunch on Saturday while I was at work and dropped it off to her. Spent a total of 20 minutes. What a great father. So I figured fuck him he obviously doesnt want to know how or what she is up to.

More about my daughter...I think she is really resenting LR for all of this. She has made several comments about him in a very smart manner. I dont talk about him to her and I dont acknowledge the comments as I feel she needs to make her own determinations about him. So far she is determining correctly.

On the way to the doctors we saw his vehicle parked on the side of the bar where the girl he has been seeing. So I dont know if she had taken him home the night before of what. But I hate knowing he is still a bar slut and spening way to much money. Meanwhile I am counting every penny so I can go to the store and still pay the co-pay to the doctors yesterday. I hate him in so many ways. I asked for the phone back and he still never bought that back to me. I cant shut it off because of the fee. The funny part is yesterday when I sent him a text asking for the phone again. He was saying he misses me and knows he has fucked up. However he is doing nothing to fix it. I will always have a place in my heart for the jackass but I fucking hate him all in the same breath. I will have to give up my home, I have ruined my credit and I will be living in a dump just to make it now. So yes, I fucking hate him for making it come to this.

On a lighter note. I received a email from the reunuion committe of my high school and they are having a happy hour next friday. So I called a old guy friend whom I have kept in touch with him over the years and I know his wife. ( I dont care for her, I know her from high school ) I asked if they were going to the happy hour and get this him and his wife are going thru the exact same thing all most except in reverse. Its her fault as she is cheating on him and he hasnt moved out yet. He watches there kids as she works nights. So if he leaves or she leaves they need a sitter. I have always had a thing sorta for him. Kinda like you wonder "what if". We were "going out" in high school. Never slept together but was just the old boyfriend/girlfriend thing. There was always allot in common and just always got along thru the years. I knew his first wife and of course now his second one. Just always stayed in touched off and on over the years. We just always stayed friends. So we chated for about a half hour and I am suppose to call him later when I get off work he really needs someone to vent to. His parents have passed as well and doesnt have allot of family. Seeing him next Friday should be good. He was best friends with LR in high school for awhile but he knows what kind of asshole he is. Crazy how shit works out.

I cant believe I let him do this to me.

2008-11-08T05:42:00.000-08:00

Its Saturday morning and again I have let LR make me question myself. I think I am usually a strong person and usually dont take shit from anyone and dont care what others think of me. However last night my daughter ask to go to the football game with her boyfriend and his family. How could I say no? She gets straight A's they were going to be supervised and I was dropping her off and picking her up from the school at 9pm. I already know his Mom and I made sure she was going to be there. So I thought sure, you can go. LR calls and then gives me shit because I wasnt going to go all the way back home and be by myself so I stopped at the bar and had A beer. Because I knew I was driving my daughter home. So he thinks again I dumped her off to go to a bar. I know I did nothing wrong but I HATE that I feel I have to explain myself to him. I basically told him to quit trying to play the good parent when for months he hasnt spent 15 minutes with her. Literally!!!! So FUCK him and the horse he rode in on. I just hate this. Then he actually sent her a text at 9:30 and wanted to know if I got her home safe. Like I am the drunk. Again Fuck him.
So I wonder if he will think the same thing tonight when she goes to her friends Halloween party tonight. I guess I will have dumped her there to. She is 12 so of course she is starting to have a social life. And who is doing all the driving and staying home and not partying all weekend like he is. ME and where is he? Who the hell knows. I did do some checking and did a drive by he is living with his drug addict aunt. Ewhhh. But I am the bad person. A drunk has to blame someone. I also see he is continuing to text and call this Dawn woman. The big fat ugly bartender. So I am taking the phone back today as well. To bad for him. I am not paying for him to call other woman and make it easy on him. This could be the beginning of war. Oh well right?

Another day in paradise.

2008-11-06T10:58:00.000-08:00

So I was awoken today but a my phone going off stating I had a text message. 5:30am by none other than LR. Stating his misses his family and so on. I stuck to my guns stating the same things that I am not buying it and he always does this. He will destroy us and then want to make crap right. I just cant do it anymore. Once he figured that out he went off. Stating I left our daughter with my aunt and uncle all weekend and partied and that i am a hypocrite for getting mad because he does it. He obviously took her text message on Sunday to mean that she was still with them. Then he stated that this is all my doing and he is taking no blame that I just wanted him gone. I am so sick of his shit. I just hung up on him. I called him to say that he needs to quit text messaging her and actually speak to her and maybe he would get the story straight. She is 12 and bound not to tell the whole story of her weekend over a damn message on a phone. He still believes her and I dont care because even if I did it doesnt compare to the shit he has pulled since I have been back with him. I just want to look him in the face and yell "FUCK YOU!"
I am just ready for a vacation. My child has been so wonderful and I love her sooo much she is what is getting me thru all of this. What a blessing.

Allot has happened....many changes to come.

2008-11-05T06:03:00.000-08:00

I must start out by saying sorry that I havent posted anything lately but allot has happened. To start with LR has moved out of the house. That is pretty major. I do not know where he moved to or how he is doing as we have not spoken since Halloween. It started that morning when I informed him our daughter was going to stay with my aunt and uncle for the evening while I went out. I figured he wouldnt watch her as he runs every Friday, Saturday and Sunday. Plus I just didnt want to leave him with her due to the drinking. I guess that really ticked him off. He asked how could I do this to him etc. DO WHAT??? This was the first time I was going out on the town since we split. He has been out a million times. I guess the old saying is right "Whats good for the goose isnt always good for the gander"

So I went out and had a really good time. Got a hotel run so I didnt have to drive. My cousin was suppose to split it with me but he hooked up with my friend S again. So I was alone but that was cool. We meet up with "the other woman" that night to. She ended up hating the guy she had just broken up with...you know the one LR caused. She hated on that guy because he tried to get with me that night. HA HA HA kinda ironic right. But I aint having nothing to do with him. Not my type.

The rest of the weekend was quiet. I stayed in. My daughter went with her little boyfriend and his mother to a parade Sat night and to her friends Monday night for a little while to play. So I have had some time to just kick it around the house and chill.

Now comes the time when I have to figure out. WHAT IN THE HELL AM I GOING TO DO? I cant afford the house and yet I cant afford to move out either. I am behind on bills and cant save a dime due to the other household expenses. I dont know if LR is going to give me any money and here comes the holidays. Damn the stress is incredible. The not knowing. My aunt keeps after to just go rent a room somewhere. But I have a daughter and I dont want to move in with some strangers. Yes she did it but times I think were different then. I just dont know. I think by it will be months before I am foreclosed on so there is a part of me that says fuck it! ride is out and see what happens. At least the holidays will be passed us by then and my daughter will have normalcy for a little while. I think I need a counselor or advisor to steer me thru this.
My biggest fear is LR winding up in jail or dead somewhere and god damn I dont want that. He may be a big ass hole but I dont wish anything on him.

Please leave comments if you have any words of wisdom. I sure could use them.

I am so sick of drama

2008-10-28T09:01:00.000-07:00

Well I never did get to go out this weekend as I hoped I would. I did get out for just a few Friday night while I waited for my daughter to get home from the movies. It was pretty much typical I was approached by someone (a guy) who knows LR and myself and stated that LR is blaming me etc. for all of this, however, this guy did state he knows this is crap because he also sees how he is and how is is with other woman. At least I now know I am not crazy. While I was broke this weekend and doing things with our daughter. The stupid asshat I am married to was out partying and spent $327.00 in booze this weekend. I am also thinking he is back on cocaine. He has dropped a awful lot of weight in these 7 weeks.

It really pisses me off that I go broke doing things with our daughter and making sure she has what she needs and he is off partying it up and wasting money like that. Mean while at the end of this week we will be behind 2 months in mortgage. He didn't come home again this Saturday night and when I came back from the store and my families on Sunday he was already passed out cold and it was 6:45pm. So obviously he drank the whole time. I hate my daughter seeing that shit.

I approached him last night and just told him everything I was thinking. Told him to go ahead and just move out. He is more of a pain in my ass and doesnt contribute a fucking thing to the house or to our daughter. I asked him to remember when was the last time he spent even 15 minutes with our daughter and really did anything with her. I honestly cant remember. I also told him all about how I felt about his piece of shit family. He couldnt really say anything as he knew I was right. So I am hoping he is working on finding a place to move to.

I am taking a deep breath and wishing for my prayers to be answered. One good thing is coming my way and I have gathered up a group of people to go out on Halloween and I cant wait. Getting a hotel so no one is drinking and driving. Damn!!! you can drink responsibly. See LR. And I dont do it all the time so I can go out with a clear conscious and have a good time. Lets hope these plans dont get screwed up cause I really need to let off some steam. Oh and the other woman and I might meet up that night to for drinks again. ha ha out of this I may have gained a friend.

Nothing new really

2008-10-24T08:52:00.000-07:00

Not a whole lot has changed since my last post. LR is still pissed and is a bear to be around. (when he is there) For instance last night he went out drinking and came home around 9:30 pm and proceeded to send me text messages. They started out asking me out for a date. When I shot him down they turned nasty. Saying things like "you make me sick", "leave me alone", and "I hope your friend gets hit by a truck". I am still wondering what friend he was talking about. When the nasty ones started I never responded to him. Yet they kept on coming. They finally stopped close to 11:00 pm. So I am tired once again.

I am praying for a nice weekend. By babysitter fell thru for Saturday. That is bummer because I really needed a night out. I think I will be able to go out for happy hour tonight and catch up with some friends. I wont be able to stay out as my daughter will be just spending a couple hours at a friends b-day party. And I of course have to work OT tomorrow morning. Someone has to.

Just keep your fingers crossed that no drama this weekend. Geesh...what am I talking about this is my life. Duh of course there will be drama until I move out. Someone smack me if I ever go back again.

So he is hurt and pissed now

2008-10-21T11:05:00.000-07:00

So today LR is pretty ticked off. After we slept together I guess he figured everything was back to normal and the fued would be over. I am not sure why he thought that when I told him before we did it that nothing was going to change. last night he was doing dishes and being all lovey. But I havent received a apology and even been sat down and said ok this is what is going to change this time. Come on now I just dont understand him. This morning he got up didnt say a word to me and just stormed out of the house. He sent me a text message saying he is now sorry for sleeping with me and figures he is just to late this time. Also making it seem like I have some one else. Hell know I dont have anyone. He has made it so I trust no one. I am not dragging some one else into this hell of a life I have. I need to work on myself first and get moved out etc.

This is just so fucked up.

Big mistake I made

2008-10-20T08:53:00.001-07:00

The weekend oh were to begin. Friday I had the day off of work and was able to get allot accomplished. Friday evening LR decided to stay home and I guess try and prove a point to me. Saturday morning I had to work. When I came home I realised he had gone thru my stuff and found a card that goes with roses from a guy I was seeing when we were separated. I didnt mean to keep that and thought I had gotten rid of everything when I moved back. But whatever he knew it was from when we werent together. LR then went out that evening and after snooping around I found out that he was with one of the woman I have heard about. Sunday morning he comes upstairs and brings me breakfast in bed. This guy is just to much right? He tells me he isnt sleeping with this girl that she is to fat and they are just friends. She is fat. But I dont believe him. So I head out with my daughter to my aunt and uncles to watch the race and football games. He calls and wants to buy us dinner and watch the game with us. When I do get home there is only a inning left in the game and like $50.00 worth of take out. So duh I am going to eat it. His is a great charmer.

This is where I make the mistake. I fell asleep on his bed watching the game. So this morning he starts fooling around with me, I will admit it was nice and I miss it, I miss the sex and affection. I tell him ok but this isnt going to change it. So we did, we had great sex. Here lies the problem. He has been texting me and acting like we are all better again. So I finally replied that I dont think what we did was a good idea. Obviously. I don't want my heart broke yet again. The is not allot left of me to destroy. He doesn't seem to happy now. What he has to realize is he caused this.

Ah what a way to start a week.

Jo Dee Messina's "Bring on the rain"

2008-10-16T09:10:00.000-07:00

"Another day has almost come and gone Cant imagine what else could wrong Sometimes Id like to hide away somewhere and lock the door A single battle lost but not the war (cause) Tomorrows another day And Im thirsty anyway So bring on the rain Its almost like the hard times circle round A couple drops and they all start coming down Yeah, I might feel defeated, I might hang my head I might be barely breathing - but Im not dead Tomorrows another day And Im thirsty anyway So bring on the rain Im not gonna let it get me down Im not gonna cry And Im not gonna lose any sleep tonight"

Jo Dee Messina's "Bring on the rain"

Ever feel like your life has been a joke?

2008-10-15T08:50:00.000-07:00

On Monday I received a text message from whom I am calling the other woman, asking me if I still wanted to meet for drinks. This is the woman whom LR went in to the bar searching out about a month and a half ago. The one I have been texting back and forth. The one he says is lying and he never asked her to be back with him. So I reply sure. I knew LR was home and was trying to play good parent after he never came home on Saturday night or has he spent any time with our daughter etc. So when I got there dinner was completed and homework was started. So I replied to her sure what the hell. So I get ready and LR of course has to ask were I was going etc. (side bar I never ask him or call him once he out) So I tell him and the look on his face was price less. He says they are just going to fill your head with shit. You see his step sister is friends with the other woman and is the bartender in there as well. I arrive to the bar and of course we hit it off by rehashing the past couple years with correcting all the lies he has told each of us. I also learned that not only did my sister in law meet with her a couple weeks ago but also my mother in law. Both asking her if she would go back with him. Now isnt she fucking lovely. She and I were really close she said I was a daughter to her and we partied all the time even when LR and I werent together we still hung out and did tons of stuff. She was like a best friend. Also why would she fucking do that to my daughter. Why not work on her son and keeping her granddaughters family together? I was at a loss. The other woman told me tons of stuff that just buried LR even more.

As I am sitting there talkind to her LR is texting me and I am just cracking up. Telling me I should be home its a work night etc. Like me going out one time makes me a horrible Mom. Never mind he stays out until 3:30am or never comes home. What a loser.

I asked him to move out yesterday morning. However he says he cant and wont. So I am stuck there with him for awhile. Great. Last night he actually asked me to go on a cruise or trip with him. He got some offer for free tickets. I just laughed at him and told him to take whomever he is doing now. How can he ask me that after he knows I know everything now. Oh thats right he still denies he has ever did anything wrong. That the three people who told me things about him and do not know each other are all lying on him. I asked him why would they lie and he said he cant seem to figure that out. So I ask him where was he then Saturday night and he wont tell me. That to me is admitting guilt.

I hate him at this point. And just want him out!!!!

You might as well put me in the psycho ward

2008-10-13T13:28:00.000-07:00

I just confronted LR about Saturday night and not coming home and hearing he was with another woman and about the third person telling me she knew he was cheating on me and didnt know how to tell me. He says it all not true and that he has been true to me and that I just listen to what I want to hear. Man everyone must be against him. The funny thing is none of these people know each other. So how can they all be out to get him. But all he does is repeat that he hasnt done anything. PLEASE SOMEONE COMMIT ME NOW BECAUSE I AM NUTTS.

The rest of the weekend story

2008-10-13T08:48:00.000-07:00

The rest of my Saturday really did not go as I planned it. I returned home after work to find LR was already gone and off on the Harley. Not a big deal as I expected that. Little side bar "the other woman" already heard about LR's fight as she text ed me in the early afternoon. Word spreads pretty quick. So I got a shower and wanted to head to the bar where this fight occurred to get the real story. The story goes that LR in his drunken stupidity grabbed this guy by his shirt and asked him "what the fuck are you looking at" I guess this guy didn't appreciate it and laid him out. Kinda funny in way as I am sure he deserved it.

After getting the story and letting some of the people I have become close with know my side of what has been going on and why I left LR I took off to go to my Uncles party. Well I guess I got there a little to late as they all stared partying at 2:00pm and its not 6:30pm and they are finished and trashed. So I head home and am there by 8:30pm. What a night huh?

While I am out I am hearing from my close friend, the one I was suppose to catch up with while they were doing a bike run. That LR has been with them all day and is crying to her that he hasnt done anything and wants us to work out blah blah blah. So my friend, I will call her T, has been telling him basically everything I have been telling him and she believed she was getting thru to him. However he slips away from them about 8:00pm. She calls me Sunday morning and asked if he made it home. He didn't. So she called his Mom to see if he stayed there or his sisters. He didn't. So she called his phone and he answered and she asked were are you? and his reply is the standard answer he always gives me "I am around". To me that makes you guilty as charged. What has me upset is not that he is with someone, that is typical. But the fact that he is telling people and crying to them and then you go and do this. That pisses me off. He never did come home until 7:30 last night. I ran upstairs as I knew my mouth would just run.

I just want him to get out and let me start a new chapter in my life. I know that will never happen.

And there was blood every where.

2008-10-11T07:15:00.000-07:00

It wouldnt be a Friday night if LR didnt go to the bar and do something stupid. Lets start from the beginning I go home and my daughter is making plans with her friends to go to the movies and dinner. She made straight A's and I am very proud so did her girlfriend so they got to do something fun. After she left I headed to the bar to sign the books and get a beer. LR came in right behind me, this was not a problem as we are getting along. I leave after just 2 hours and was home by 8. I had to work today. At about quarter to 12 LR calls all upset and tells me to come outside. So I run down stairs and go to the door and he is covered in blood. He said he was jumped and doesnt know who did it. After calling my bartender friend at the bar I learn once again he lied. He went up to someone and asked him "what the fuck are you looking at" this guy pushed him and LR fell into the edge of the bar breaking his nose. Hence the blood everywhere.
I ask myself when will he stop lying? He said the bartender was lying and that isnt what happened. Yea right! In the end he blamed this on me and said "if we were still together I would have been home with you" Uh, I dont think so that is why we are not together because he runs to bars all the time and isnt home with me.

Let me also state that I talked to a very dear friend of mine and LR's family that I havent spoken to in months and didnt know we were separated. She confided in me that she has known he has been cheating on me but couldnt find a way to tell me. She has nothing to do with the other woman or has really been around. So this must have happened a good few months ago. So I was reassured that I am doing the right thing here. I still hurts to know that. But deep down I already knew. He wont change. I said something to him about this and he said "no I havent cheated on you since you came back. My response "OK Bill Clinton" Why would all of these people be out to lie on him.

Whoooo HOooo like I said in my previous post I am kid free today and after last night I am going to have myself a good time. I dont do this all the time so please dont think I am a hypocrite. You can see by my post I dont do this often. But damn it today I am going to do it right. I need it. Blog about it later!!!!

Can't Wait!

2008-10-09T08:42:00.000-07:00

Whoo Hooo I found a sitter for Saturday. Now I can't wait. Finally get to have some adult fun and let my hair down and forget about my shit life for awhile. I do have to work Saturday morning but by the time I get home my daughter should be gone. She is staying with my step-mom. I didnt even have to ask if she could watch her she called me. So that is a plus. Hopefully they will find shoes for my daughters Halloween costume. Keep your fingers crossed.

As for LR and I we are speaking to each other and talked about his family last night. Mainly his F'd up father. He is a real winner. Apparently the only reason he came over on Monday was to ask him for money. He didnt care that we are broke and behind on our bills and have a young daughter. That man is so selfish. I really feel for LR and now see why he is so messed up. Well I cant say that his family is just a mess I have seen it for awhile now. But I am still not sleeping with him and we dont make plans together. Hopefully we can keep this a friendship thing and not argue. I think we can do that if he leaves me alone while he is drinking. He will still slip in occasionally when he isnt drinking and ask me to lay with him and hold him and just sleep but I dont want to get that way with him. Its easier if that wall is up. I dont seem to get hurt that way. Although I am missing sex in a great big way. I am starting to dream about it (at least I am getting in my dreams). I am not use to going this long without it. Even when we seperated and I moved out I was quick to have a friend with benefits. I have never gone a whole month in many many many years. I am going to have to fix this real fast.

Again I am psyched about this weekend. Damn its been awhile since I have just been me and partied. Been to damn responsible. Hoping to find someone to let me ride on the back of there bike for this even on Saturday so I dont have to drive backer for the group. If I dont being backer is alright to. Just a couple more days to go.

The unknown

2008-10-07T12:18:00.000-07:00

Well I still dont know if LR has a job today or not. As of last night he told me they dont know anything yet that maybe tomorrow he will know more. Cant tell you how that will screw things up more. Bills are already tight and he just now paid Septembers mortgage. As you know I am trying to get out of there. Who knows maybe this is a sign for us to just ditch the house and go our separate ways. Our credit is already screwed due to all of the drama this past year.

Another glitch is LR's father is now back in town. He is also a drunk and a mess with no job and hasnt had one in awhile. I think I wrote about him before. I just thank goodness he isnt staying with us this time and mooching off of us. Last time he stayed with LR's sister and ran up a hell of a phone bill and then left. Well the great one is back. So I can expect weekends again will be filled with even more drama added to this mix.

I have been asked to a couple party's/events this weekend so I guess I have to get on the horn and look for a sitter for my daughter. Ahhh to do adult things. Cant wait to just relax amongst friends and escape from this hell I have been in. (for a little while at least I do have to go home...blah)

Just when you think it cant get any worse...

2008-10-06T09:18:00.001-07:00

Just when you think it cant get any worse LR just called and said there is a good chance he is losing his job. Great right? What the fuck am I going to do now?

Same old shit.

2008-10-06T06:05:00.000-07:00

Yep this weekend was like any other. LR did his drinking thing at the bars and driving home completely shit faced except this time on the motorcycle. He wont learn at all. When he does come home he insist on doing what I call "drunk talk" to me and insisting he hasn't done anything wrong. Same old speech just different weekend. This is what I hate the most. He doesn't realize that what he is doing is what caused the break up. Running to bars, whoring around and driving home drunk and disrupting the house hold. He sounds like a 3 year old when he says he wont stop now since I wont take him back. He was doing this when we were together so I just tell him to get out of the room and go pass out. I hate him sounding childish. I am not sure if he saw the other woman or not I didn't really speak to her this weekend. Wonder if I will hear from her today.

This weekend however I knew he was with his mother on Saturday night and I called her and cussed her since she let him drive home drunk on the bike. Which is over 40 minutes away at 11:00pm at night when the deer are horrible this time of year. She insist no one could stop him. I beg to differ. I am tired today since LR came in late and drunk last night and kept me up. Damn I have to move.

A good point about this weekend is my daughter and I went to this awesome Apple Harvest festival and had a great time. The weather was perfect and I got to spend time with my aunt and uncle that I don't get to see much since they live farther away. I cant wait for next years festival. I am definitely taking money everything was so much cheaper.

So starts another week...wonder what will come my way. I know I have to work this Saturday to get extra money. I am hoping for a sitter for after work on Saturday so I can go to a adult party my Aunt is throwing. It would be great to get out and NO I am not asking LR he would just be drunk. So I am keeping my fingers crossed.

Happy Monday!!!

Weekend is here....

2008-10-03T06:02:00.000-07:00

This week has been such a roller coaster ride. LR and I are of course still on the outs. However now he has turned into just asking for sex all the time. There is no "Hay I miss you" or " I love you" its just simply him wanting sex. He also continues to think he is the victim and he did absolutely nothing wrong. So I just blow him off. This is harder than I thought just living with him. I am hoping this weekend goes a little smoother than the last.

I am still talking to the other woman. You know the old saying "keep your friends close but your enemies closer" Well that's the mission now. Its still in the back of my head that she can be using me as well. Whatever right?

LR's mom and I spoke yesterday and I told her I am really worried about him. The drinking and driving and suicide talk has me really concerned. I have this gut feeling that something awful is right around the corner. She sounded upset and like she knows its coming as well. I hate having to live my life this way because I know god forbid is something does happen I will blame myself again just like I did with my father. I have moments where I just want to give in and say we are OK now, but on the other hand I don't want the rest of my life to be this way. The other woman and running all night at bars is just to much. But worrying about him is also to much. A big part of me regrets coming back. If I didn't the other woman would be dealing with this.

Anyhow my daughter is doing great in school so I am taking her Halloween shopping this weekend and maybe to dinner tonight and getting her hair cut. Man she is growing up. She has this little boyfriend (I know the mother) and he bought her a pair of ear rings yesterday she was so happy and cant stop talking about him. She really is the sunshine in my life right now.

I wish anyone who is reading this a great weekend. (I have a feeling no one is) But if you are happy Friday.

The other woman

2008-09-30T09:05:00.000-07:00

So much has happened. I am really not sure where to begin. First off LR of course went out Friday night. I knew he must be seeing the other woman (the one he had his last affair on me with) as I knew he went and saw her at the bar the other weekend and that she had called him. The tip off was he took his work phone. This he never does. I pay for his personal cell and can check the records. So he comes in around 2am and of course passes out. I check the work phone and sure enough they were talking on it proving me right. That this was more than him just stopping in the bar and leaving once she got there. That was the story a couple weeks ago.

Saturday rolls around and I say F it and head out for a beer when I got off work. LR had taken our daughter to his sisters for the day. Not sure what made him do that he never does anything with her. But anyhow I headed to the bar where my x boyfriend was to tell him that I was sorry for LR coming in there from time to time starting crap with him. He was ok and understood. It was good to see old friends from in there. However I was advised that when LR was in there he had been hitting on one of my old girlfriends. He didnt know I knew her. She told him to go F himself and I died laughing. It obvious at this point that me telling him it was over is for the best. Later that evening I guess LR had enough of our daughter and he himself wanted to go out. So I was home by 8 because lord knows the drama it would cause if I didnt. At 2am again he arrives home, except this time he climbs into my bed and starts the old line of how he loves me and he hasnt done anything wrong etc. I tell him to get out of my bed that he you dont be with another woman and then climb into bed with me. GROSS. He calls me crazy and finally goes away after a half hour.

My next step as I lay there pissed is to send a text message to the other woman. Long story short her and I are now on speaking terms. It seems he did go in there and ask for her back and even told her new boyfriend that he would get her back. She said her speaking to him has been to tell him to F off and go home. She also advised me that on Saturday after she cussed him out he went to another bar and tried to pick up a 22 year old. He is a mess. He has still been wearing his wedding ring around me to make it seem like he wants us back but I have also been advised he takes it off as soon as he leaves the house.

I confront him Sunday morning and show him the text messages. He says she is lying about everything and he doesnt even know what her boyfriend looks like and he wasnt in there this weekend and that I am crazy etc. However yesterday he finally admitted he did go in there but never asked her back. I believe her because everything she is saying he has at one point said and done to me.

Yesterday the other woman sent me another text saying my wonderful sister in law has poked her nose in this and has contacted her and they are suppose to go have drinks. Wonder what will come of that. Who needs enemies when I married into a family like this. Lying, sneaking, playing both sides bastards.

Will it never end?

2008-09-25T12:24:00.001-07:00

The story of my life just never ends.

My husbands father is currently residing in Virginia. Very close to Tennessee. He has no job and hasn't had one really in over a year. He gets one and it doesn't last. He is also a drunk with 2 failed marriages and now this relationship where within 3 weeks of finding this girl through a private detective. (she was a old girlfriend from middle school he swears she is the love of his life) He quits his job and moves down there to be with her. DUH it isn't working out. He has come back up here I know 5 times within this year. He states she is crazy and she has thrown him out. He keeps going back down there. When he is here its miserable. He doesn't look for a job he has run up phone bills by calling her and it just sucks. The drinking etc. Anyway last night I heard my husband (I will now call him LR) talking on the phone to him and all be damn it sounds like he is coming back up here...again. He use to stay upstairs well since LR and I have split up that is where I am staying. So this should be interesting. I don't have the money to feed that man and the other extras like bathroom items and so on. I pay for all of that. I am not certain that this is happening I just over heard a phone conversation. God I hope I am wrong. That's all I need is the two of them drunk and sitting around woman bashing.

Lets keep the fingers crossed he picks some other place to go.

I love old people

2008-09-24T12:31:00.000-07:00

Last night after I was done with dinner and the usual errands and cleaning up around the house I was sitting on my porch and enjoying the quiet. I live in a very small neighborhood out in the middle of no where. Across the street is a older gentleman who I just adore. He must be in his eighties and he lost his wife a couple years ago. His daughter does live next door with her husband and a couple kids. (more about her later) Any how I got to thinking as I watching him putter around his yard and looking busy. What I am going to be like at that age? Where I am going to be living? Will I be happy? and will I have done everything I want to do? To me he genuinely looks happy. Sometimes a little lonely but he keeps busy. His daughter in my eyes doesn't do enough for him and that irritate me. He mow es her yard and even gets her mail and takes her kids places. She literally does nothing. She will admit that she is lazy. Since I lost my parents I really hate to see people treat there parents like that. Any how the old man really got me wanting to get my crap together and start being happy. I am in my early 30's and I want to find myself and stop all the drama that I have seemed to fall into to. I don't think its to much to ask I think I have put my time in and you cant say I haven't tried.

When I was in middle school and early high school I volunteered at a retirement home maybe I can even start that back up. I love there stories and advise. They also know what they are talking about. I need advice anyway I can get it these days.

Thank Goodness

2008-09-23T08:42:00.000-07:00

Last night actually went well. No we didn't get back together. But I was able to get some of the cleaning done that you usually don't get to. Like the ceiling fans, fridge, and light fixtures. I also made dinner and did a couple loads of clothes. It was nice to work out some aggravation. But boy when I was finished did I die. I worked all day plus did all that and helped my daughter with school work.

When the husband came home I was hoping he wouldn't start in on the arguing. He didn't he saw that I was busy and just got dinner and went to his part of the house. So thank goodness. I was able to do all that then head upstairs and crash.

So I am rested today and got out some built up energy. I have some more things to do this evening like pulling weeds and cleaning up around the yard so I have that to look forward to. Working 6 days a week you have to do what you can in the evenings. I am already thinking about Christmas shopping and the heating bills and am freaking out. I will never be able to live on my own if I have to keep paying for this stuff. (maybe that's what he is thinking) A good way to trap me. I can only hope not. Anyway I am really tired of my credit card companies calling me because of course I cant pay them because I have to pay the essential bills like food, electric, gas and car payment. I still see the mortgage bill sitting on the table. That just makes my stomach hurt. BLAH!!!!

On a lighter note there is a great concert coming up and not far from home so I am trying to get a bunch of friends together to go. Its in the streets of a town close by and you can drink and eat and have a ball. Gotta do something to treat myself. If I don't who will??? Besides I haven't gone out in awhile and gone crazy. That will be in the end of October so I have awhile to put a few dollars away.

Whats good for the goose is sometimes within reason good for the gander. Just do it responsibly!!

He says it's all me....

2008-09-22T08:42:00.000-07:00

Yep nothing changed this weekend. He went out Saturday night and spent all day Sunday out bar hoping on the bike. Saturday night he went out but proceeded to call me at 1:30 am in his drunken stupor on his way home saying we needed to talk. He just wont get it that this is part of our problem. I hate the drunk talk and stumbling in that late. We got nothing resolved but arguing that night. Sunday was pretty much a re-run except he says I am looking for a excuse to leave and that I party to blah blah blah. He even went so far as to go to my uncles house yesterday and tell him his side and how crazy and stupid I am being. (I am still trying to get the story from my uncle. Haven't been able to reach him) I have explained his antics in past blogs. All of that has led up to this.

Maybe I am crazy and stupid but I don't think so. Damn I don't know what I am going to do. I don't want this to get ugly but every time he comes home he just wont leave me alone. That is all I want until I can get myself and daughter out of there.

This is also affecting my daughter. I caught a letter she wrote the other day saying she hated her life because of the fighting and that he father and I quote "is a drunk retard" . I know I have to get out quick but its kinda hard with no real family close by that can help and no money.

The plus to this weekend was yesterday I got to spend some really good time with my kid. I took her to lunch and she had gift cards from her b-day that I took her around to spend. She really is the best thing in my life. I love her so much. Thank god for her.

Whats to come?

2008-09-19T11:00:00.001-07:00

All is quiet around the house and nothing really has changed. I am still staying upstairs while he is downstairs. I am sitting and wondering what will this weekend bring. Will he run right back to her like before? Shoot he ran back to her last Friday...what am I thinking. Wonder if he will return there this weekend. If he does all I can say is keep it away from my daughter this time.

So I will be working again this weekend trying to pay bills and put some away to move out. If I can we are so far behind on bills this being room-mate things could take awhile.

I will sign off for now and hopefully fill you all in tomorrow on the drama that occurs on his official first night of being single on a non work night. Me I will have our daughter and doing the pizza and video thing since I have to get up early for work. Hopefully he will be home by morning before I leave for work.

I did it!

2008-09-18T08:47:00.000-07:00

After this past weekend and everything that has happened I sat and I thought how can I continue to be with someone who is suppose to love me and be my best friend but continues to do things that he knows will hurt me. I cant trust him, he does whatever he wants to and yet thinks still today that he did nothing wrong and that I am just being stupid and crazy and looking for reasons to leave the relationship.

So on Tuesday evening I told him he is a free man and that I cant do this anymore. I explained to him what I have been thinking and he still doesnt think he is wrong. Maybe it is me but I dont want a relationship like this one anymore. The unfortunate things is we are going to have to continue to live in the same house for awhile as neither one of us has the money to move on or a place. So I am upstairs and he is downstairs. It will be interesting to see how this works out. I know it will be hard but at least for my heart I knew I let him go and that he can do whatever he wants to now and I wont be the dumb wife sitting at home and getting hurt. So I will do my thing from now on as well and not worry about what he is doing and how come he isnt with us.

I know I have plenty of places to run and stay on the weekends so hopefully in the end this is going to be for the best. I will still worry about when I will get the next emergency room call or DWI call but I cant seem to help him. Whats that old saying "if you love something let it go" Well I did it.

Being told I am crazy

2008-09-16T08:49:00.000-07:00

So I go home last night and the only thing he can say is that I am crazy and nothing happened. Not that he saw anything wrong with what he did this weekend. But proceeded to tell me that he is a adult and shouldnt have to tell me everything. He comes home and tells me some things but on purpose doesnt tell me most of it. To me that is sneaky. I told him that he isnt marriage material and he isnt ready for any kind of a relationship. What we have and the way he is acting is not what I want. I also dont consider it normal. So am I in the wrong and crazy???
Who knows what is going to happen now. I just walked away and havent spoken to him since. I stayed on the couch.

I need to find the definition of crazy.....

HERE WE GO AGAIN!!!

2008-09-15T09:08:00.000-07:00

Well here we go again. This must have been a weekend from hell. My husband was a drunk mess for most of the weekend. Spending money on booze that we don't have. The topping on the cake is when I found that we are two close to three weeks into the month and he still hasn't paid the mortgage.

He went out Friday, Saturday and Sunday. He didn't arrive home until 3:30 am Sunday morning and then turned around and was back out Sunday. This time on his motorcycle. Yes drinking and driving. He will never learn 2 DWI's and a bad motorcycle wreck just last year. He knew I was furious Sunday morning and I will admit I had to leave for awhile to calm down. I went to my cousins house and chilled out for awhile only to find that he was gone on the bike. Saturday I found he was someplace he lied about. Then to my not so much surprise when I checked the cell phone records he is speaking to and sought out the girl he cheated on me with.

I am furious. He went to a bar that she goes to all the time. We are talking every weekend. So he knew she would be there. He says he left as soon as she came in. So why is she calling him and texting him now. Plus why would he go there knowing she is in there all the time if he didn't want to see her. I don't believe him. This was Friday....pretty funny the next day after talking to her on the phone he is out until 3:30 in the morning. I told him to get out and give me time to find a place for my daughter and myself to live. (I don't know how I am going to do that) He tells me I am being crazy that it was nothing. I just don't know anymore. I know he wont leave and give me this time.

I am exhausted over the drinking and deceit. I wish someone would give the answers. He is making me nuts. Literally. A wonderful Monday huh?