It's been awhile

I realized today just how long it has been since I have posted anything. I have no idea where to begin.

My life is still crazy and it seems every time I take one step forward I get pushed two steps back.
The lawyer I chose I seem to have lost faith in. When I went at the beginning of the month to start the divorce he didn't even have the papers. Said he forgot them at his main office. So just this past Wednesday I finally signed them. But not before I found out that "the other woman" has to sign a affidavit that is notarized and a copy of her drivers licence. This was all not told to me during the consultation. I am hoping this woman does sign and I can be divorced.

With the papers in process LR seems to be sniffing around a little more often. In one week he stopped by without calling 3 times. Claims he is dropping off my mail. There are two things wrong with this. First its all junk mail. Second he never did this before, my daughter always brought it home after visits with him. So what the fuck is the deal here? During one of the stops he grabbed me and hugged me and then really quick kissed me. Ewhhh I am sure the girlfriend would not approve. By the way I never let him in and he stands at the door on the outside. ha ha ha ha.

As for my love life. I am still single and alone. However this past Friday I ran into some people I knew when LR and I had our Harley. Well there was this guy there who said I could ride with him. So we all went for a ride and hit a couple places for a drink. It was fun but this guy is now interested in me. I told him flat out I am not looking for a relationship and I thought we were cool. So Saturday we did the same thing all took a ride and had a great time. There was a huge group of us. Now this guy is just like a leech so I have to now lose him. I just don't get men. Is it a since of a challenge when I say I dont want anything but to be friends?

Work sucks like always but I am happy to have a job. My daughter has been wonderful and now the school year is almost over and I have to find activities to keep her busy so that is my goal for this week.

Happy memorial day to everyone.

Sense of accomplishment

Well today is Tuesday and I feel like I have accomplished allot. I am ready to see my lawyer tomorrow and all my paper work is completed for the bankruptcy. Its more like I book I might add. Took me hours to do. That doesn't include the online 30 minute class I had to take. That was a joke. It went thru CCCS which is consumer credit counselors. I had to pay to do that. $50.00. I thought that was all non profit and free. I had to do it for the courts tho so I guess there is my answer. Also while I am there I get to sign my divorce papers. Whew that is coming to a end finally. Cant believe it. My life is moving forward. Finally!

I havent been sleeping and I dont really know why. Things to be going so well right now but yet I cant sleep like I use to. I hope this phase ends soon.

Nothing to speak of in the world of men. I have none and no interest at the moment. I do feel like I am ready to date. Not settle down but date. It would be great to have someone to do things with and a little romantic envolvlement. I guess that comes with time.

Unexpected Feelings

So its Sunday and I am just chilling out today. I have had a nice weekend doing what I have missed the most. Cooking and hanging out with my daughter and her friend. We went to dinner and a movie last night. Saw 17 again and was amazed that it was a really good movie. I thought it was going to be the same old thing, but it wasn't. What I mean by doing what I missed the most is when I was married I would wake up every weekend and cook for my family and do the domesticated things. Like clean, cook, pick up friends for my daughter and just be a family. I have really missed that. Now I am having to drop her off with her father and you really cant cook big meals for just the two of us. Having her friend over this weekend just bought all those feelings back. I love it. I have to do more of that. I hate divorce for this reason it takes the family aspect away. But I am happy he is gone and all that bullshit towards the end that he bought with him.

Feeling #2 that was unexpected...I went to the lawyer Wednesday and had him draw up the paper work and went over what was to be in the agreement. When I walked out I felt empty. I am 34 almost 35 and I have been married more than half of my life. I walked out feeling a part of my identity is gone. Don't get me wrong I want this but I have also always been known for being married to LR. Now that part of me is gone and I have to find a new identity. Does anyone out there understand this????? I didn't expect to feel this way. The emptiness the sense of being alone and trying to become a new person. Its crazy.....one part of me is happy the other is confused. Don't get me wrong I dont want him back he bought to much drama with him. But I am now having identity issues.

I did the right thing I believe this weekend by just having fun with my daughter and not hanging out with my friends. It helps being around her and reafirming to me what is important. I love her friends and I love watching her have fun and be a kid. Mind you I dont think they slept but thats the fun part at there age. She is awesome and made honor roll again and also another award. She amazes me that she is doing better than ever in school while her parents fell apart. High 5 to her.

This Wednesday I say the divorce papers and then they get mailed to LR to sign. Within 3 months this will all be official.

Whew its been awhile

I understand it has been awhile since I have posted anything but my life seems to have become a little bit crazier. Not in a bad way this time. Just seems I don't have enough time in my day anymore. I kinda like it. It keeps me busy and my mind off of all of the bullshit in my life.

For instance, Friday was my 3 month check up. I show up of course your standard 10 minutes early in the hopes you can get in and get out early. Oh NO! the doctor was a hour late. This is not the norm for my doctor. But the one time I had plans he was behind. I wanted to get my oil changed and I knew the cable guy was coming. So I had to skip the oil change. So that is back on the to do list. Damn it!

Saturday I went to the race track and enjoyed myself. Caught some rays and caught up with some friends. Our buddy came in second place so I was happy to be cheering him on. Then my girlfriend called and said she found a sitter and did I want to meet up with her. So I ran from the track when that was completed to meet her. Ended up seeing old friends and staying out later than I should have. The Coors light guy seems to be a little afraid of me it seems. I am way more outgoing than he is.

Sunday was my day from hell. I mean that literally. My apartment was a fucking hot box. The a/c was not working and the skylights my landlord installed made it that much worse. So I was miserable so was my daughter and we got no sleep. Which made Monday horrible. Everyone hates Mondays anyway and now we are sleep deprived on top of it. This is the topper my computer took a shit on me to. So no computer for me. EWHHHH what a day.

So Monday I called the landlord and complained big time. He assured me he would bring me a new unit. We also had to go out to eat because lord knows I cant eat in the heat and I wasn't about to use the stove and make it worse.

Today I came home and landlord was here putting in new a/c and my cousin was right behind him. My cousin is a computer genius. But he said he couldn't fix this. My computer was old and needs updated I realize that. But how am I going to pay for it? My kid needs it for school and I need it for the usual stuff. So my step-mom came to my rescue again. Here I am with some a/c and a new computer. Whoo hooo

I can say things seem to be going in the right direction for me. I am very grateful for how far I have come. I am doing things on my own with a little help here and there but the one thing I have learned you don't need to hang onto that desire to have that someone in your life. Either a man or a woman. You need to find out who you are and that you can make it on your own.
I realize LR truly was holding me back in so many ways with his addictions. However I am starting to see that I maybe one of them. More about that at a later time. He is sniffing around again.

Cheers to all.

Its my Friday

Whooo hoo today is my Friday. However not for any fun reasons. Tomorrow I have a doctors appointment, its my 3 month check up for my nether regions. Ughhh, yep its that time again. So I am not really looking forward to that. But its suppose to be beautiful out and I will also get my oil change and other errands. So I will make it a good day. Maybe clean the truck.

Today LR called and was telling me he got a job. I scratch my head and think why are you telling me this????? He was telling me where it was and how we know the owners brother blah blah blah. I mean I am happy he got a job is no longer a complete piece of shit anymore and this will mean more money for my daughter. But I just cant figure out why he would just a couple hours after the interview. Then my aunt said well duh....he will now try and get you back. LIKE FUCK! that will never happen. She maybe right because he has just been way to nice and willing to do whatever for me. This is his pattern and I gave in before. I am not sure I even want to be his friend. Who the fuck knows. I will be nice and try to grow up a little bit instead of being bitter. Does piss me off that everything is working out for him after how much of a piece of shit he has been.

Any who I am happy and things seem to be going well all except for the money issues. But I am happy and am really looking forward to going to the track and watching the race cars and hangin with my friends. Hope I will get a tan at the same time.

I will hopefully be able o blog more soon and change the vibe a little bit. Have to let me know what you think about that.

Cheers!

Catch up time.

I just realized it has been almost a week since I have posted anything. Lets see how good I am at catching up on the recent events.

First off LR's mom called and stated she wanted my daughter on Saturday. Now mind you she is moving in the middle of May so this could be one of the last times she spends time with her before she moves. So of course I say yes but I do ask her if she is certain because I knew there were allot of bike runs and she has a bike. She assured me yes. So I made plans. Low and behold she backs out but before she did she called LR to see if he could watch her. This pissed me off because I dont want to involve him anymore than I need to. But he did it. LR's mom then picked her up from him on Sunday morning for my nephews birthday party. This was a good thing later on for me. So my daughter did end up having a good weekend in the end.

Friday evening my daughter and I went to a friends house and hung out and enjoyed the weather. Saturday of course I dropped her with LR due to his mother backing out. I then headed for my car poker run. OH MY GOD was that a blast. I rode with this older guy R who has turned out to be a really good friend he had a 57 chevy bel air that is bad ass. Had it going over 100 mph at one point. I loved it!!! Got drunk of course because that is allot of bar hoping and good times. At the last stop which is of course right by my house my best g-friend came and hung out with us all. I wasnt driving so I lived it up. It was also beautiful out. When we showed up at the last stop a guy I have had my eye on was in there. I think I spoke about him in a past post. I call him Miller light guy. Well he had a seat open next to him so me and my friend chatted him up the whole night. I dont know what it is because he really is no where near my type. But maybe that is what I need. He has a great job, is a little older and really has it together. He is clean cut so he may not like me because of my tattoos and the fact that I love harleys. Who in the hell knows. He has a daughter my kids age and one that is younger. Who knows what will happen. Im not really pressed about a man at this point in the game

In the end I had a great weekend. However...I got fucking sick as a dog Sunday afternoon with the vomiting and other end. It lasted thru yesterday so I missed work and I still feel like I got hit by a truck. It sucks ass. Karma got me for some reason.

Today I called the lawyer and am drawing up the divorce papers next Wednesday and I cant wait. Wish me luck.

Cheers!

And the attitude begins..

The last time LR and I split up 3 years ago he was getting our daughter every other weekend. She also had major attitude problems. This time as you all know he didnt see her until just these past two weekends for any over night visits. She was fine, no attitudes, no head butting between the two of us and her grades were perfect. Well low and behold I have begun to see the attitude again. You know the eye rolls and the hollering at me when I say something to her. I cant stand it. I tell her to watch herself and tell her to just listen to how she is speaking to me and that I am her mother not a dog or one of her classmates. It just gets worse. I have come to realize that duh its because she is seeing asshat again. Its obvious that he is saying stuff to her because of the comments she is saying to me. For example..."I dont know why you dont like her she is only 9 years older than him she isnt old" where in the hell did that come from? I didnt say that to her so he must have said that. I also got "whats your problem mom you are depressed and need Prozac" Ok come on now that is totally him. She has no clue what that stuff is. He thinks I am depressed because now when he sees me I dont speak a word I have been biting my tongue so I dont piss him off so he just signs the divorce papers when we get them drawn up.

Really I have been happy since I have moved into my new apartment. Just because its mine and its a new start. I have more friends now and am doing things. I am fine. Yes there is stress but my whole life had been stressful. But I am happier without him and his drinking and all the cheating he has done. I am better off without him.

Because of this...which the attitude really got bad Monday when he dropped her off. I have had major stomach pains. About 5 years ago this started when I was really stressed over some family stuff. It got so bad that I would vomit. (I know gross) Its back again. I havent gotten sick yet but the pain is awful. I need to find a way to de-stress. Need some warm weather and a beach. I hate him for changing my wonderful daughter. I wish I could stop the affect he has on her.

I just want to go home and relax and play games with my kid and hope there is no attitude tonight. I am looking forward to this poker run on Saturday. The weather should be perfect and I will be with great friends. Hopefully the pain with go away with some relaxation.

Any advice out there would be appreciated.

Cheers