Way to much time at the doctors!!!!

Yesterday I had scheduled the day off to take my daughter to the dentist. Figured I would just take the whole day and chill out the remainder of it as I have been putting in six days a week at work. Well it was a good thing I did. My daughter has been having problems with her leg so in the morning I called to see if the family doctor could also see her and luckily they could. So off we went at 10:30 in the morning. First one scheduled was the dentist, wouldnt you know it they were running behind. Spent 1 1/2 hours there. For a cleaning. We had a hour or so to wait until the next appointment. All our doctors are 30 minutes from our house as we live in the boonies. So we shop around for a couple things we need. At the family doctors they were on time, however, we get sent to a off campus for x-rays. Several hours were spent between those two things. Final time we made it home 6:00pm. I was exhausted. But at least all of that is done. I should hear in a couple days the results of the x-days. That will determine what to do next as they dont know where or why she is having pain. There was no accident that she is telling me about. As for LR he knows nothing as he hasnt called or seen her. Wait I take that back the fucker bought her lunch on Saturday while I was at work and dropped it off to her. Spent a total of 20 minutes. What a great father. So I figured fuck him he obviously doesnt want to know how or what she is up to.

More about my daughter...I think she is really resenting LR for all of this. She has made several comments about him in a very smart manner. I dont talk about him to her and I dont acknowledge the comments as I feel she needs to make her own determinations about him. So far she is determining correctly.

On the way to the doctors we saw his vehicle parked on the side of the bar where the girl he has been seeing. So I dont know if she had taken him home the night before of what. But I hate knowing he is still a bar slut and spening way to much money. Meanwhile I am counting every penny so I can go to the store and still pay the co-pay to the doctors yesterday. I hate him in so many ways. I asked for the phone back and he still never bought that back to me. I cant shut it off because of the fee. The funny part is yesterday when I sent him a text asking for the phone again. He was saying he misses me and knows he has fucked up. However he is doing nothing to fix it. I will always have a place in my heart for the jackass but I fucking hate him all in the same breath. I will have to give up my home, I have ruined my credit and I will be living in a dump just to make it now. So yes, I fucking hate him for making it come to this.

On a lighter note. I received a email from the reunuion committe of my high school and they are having a happy hour next friday. So I called a old guy friend whom I have kept in touch with him over the years and I know his wife. ( I dont care for her, I know her from high school ) I asked if they were going to the happy hour and get this him and his wife are going thru the exact same thing all most except in reverse. Its her fault as she is cheating on him and he hasnt moved out yet. He watches there kids as she works nights. So if he leaves or she leaves they need a sitter. I have always had a thing sorta for him. Kinda like you wonder "what if". We were "going out" in high school. Never slept together but was just the old boyfriend/girlfriend thing. There was always allot in common and just always got along thru the years. I knew his first wife and of course now his second one. Just always stayed in touched off and on over the years. We just always stayed friends. So we chated for about a half hour and I am suppose to call him later when I get off work he really needs someone to vent to. His parents have passed as well and doesnt have allot of family. Seeing him next Friday should be good. He was best friends with LR in high school for awhile but he knows what kind of asshole he is. Crazy how shit works out.

I cant believe I let him do this to me.

Its Saturday morning and again I have let LR make me question myself. I think I am usually a strong person and usually dont take shit from anyone and dont care what others think of me. However last night my daughter ask to go to the football game with her boyfriend and his family. How could I say no? She gets straight A's they were going to be supervised and I was dropping her off and picking her up from the school at 9pm. I already know his Mom and I made sure she was going to be there. So I thought sure, you can go. LR calls and then gives me shit because I wasnt going to go all the way back home and be by myself so I stopped at the bar and had A beer. Because I knew I was driving my daughter home. So he thinks again I dumped her off to go to a bar. I know I did nothing wrong but I HATE that I feel I have to explain myself to him. I basically told him to quit trying to play the good parent when for months he hasnt spent 15 minutes with her. Literally!!!! So FUCK him and the horse he rode in on. I just hate this. Then he actually sent her a text at 9:30 and wanted to know if I got her home safe. Like I am the drunk. Again Fuck him.
So I wonder if he will think the same thing tonight when she goes to her friends Halloween party tonight. I guess I will have dumped her there to. She is 12 so of course she is starting to have a social life. And who is doing all the driving and staying home and not partying all weekend like he is. ME and where is he? Who the hell knows. I did do some checking and did a drive by he is living with his drug addict aunt. Ewhhh. But I am the bad person. A drunk has to blame someone. I also see he is continuing to text and call this Dawn woman. The big fat ugly bartender. So I am taking the phone back today as well. To bad for him. I am not paying for him to call other woman and make it easy on him. This could be the beginning of war. Oh well right?

Another day in paradise.

So I was awoken today but a my phone going off stating I had a text message. 5:30am by none other than LR. Stating his misses his family and so on. I stuck to my guns stating the same things that I am not buying it and he always does this. He will destroy us and then want to make crap right. I just cant do it anymore. Once he figured that out he went off. Stating I left our daughter with my aunt and uncle all weekend and partied and that i am a hypocrite for getting mad because he does it. He obviously took her text message on Sunday to mean that she was still with them. Then he stated that this is all my doing and he is taking no blame that I just wanted him gone. I am so sick of his shit. I just hung up on him. I called him to say that he needs to quit text messaging her and actually speak to her and maybe he would get the story straight. She is 12 and bound not to tell the whole story of her weekend over a damn message on a phone. He still believes her and I dont care because even if I did it doesnt compare to the shit he has pulled since I have been back with him. I just want to look him in the face and yell "FUCK YOU!"
I am just ready for a vacation. My child has been so wonderful and I love her sooo much she is what is getting me thru all of this. What a blessing.

Allot has happened....many changes to come.

I must start out by saying sorry that I havent posted anything lately but allot has happened. To start with LR has moved out of the house. That is pretty major. I do not know where he moved to or how he is doing as we have not spoken since Halloween. It started that morning when I informed him our daughter was going to stay with my aunt and uncle for the evening while I went out. I figured he wouldnt watch her as he runs every Friday, Saturday and Sunday. Plus I just didnt want to leave him with her due to the drinking. I guess that really ticked him off. He asked how could I do this to him etc. DO WHAT??? This was the first time I was going out on the town since we split. He has been out a million times. I guess the old saying is right "Whats good for the goose isnt always good for the gander"

So I went out and had a really good time. Got a hotel run so I didnt have to drive. My cousin was suppose to split it with me but he hooked up with my friend S again. So I was alone but that was cool. We meet up with "the other woman" that night to. She ended up hating the guy she had just broken up with...you know the one LR caused. She hated on that guy because he tried to get with me that night. HA HA HA kinda ironic right. But I aint having nothing to do with him. Not my type.

The rest of the weekend was quiet. I stayed in. My daughter went with her little boyfriend and his mother to a parade Sat night and to her friends Monday night for a little while to play. So I have had some time to just kick it around the house and chill.

Now comes the time when I have to figure out. WHAT IN THE HELL AM I GOING TO DO? I cant afford the house and yet I cant afford to move out either. I am behind on bills and cant save a dime due to the other household expenses. I dont know if LR is going to give me any money and here comes the holidays. Damn the stress is incredible. The not knowing. My aunt keeps after to just go rent a room somewhere. But I have a daughter and I dont want to move in with some strangers. Yes she did it but times I think were different then. I just dont know. I think by it will be months before I am foreclosed on so there is a part of me that says fuck it! ride is out and see what happens. At least the holidays will be passed us by then and my daughter will have normalcy for a little while. I think I need a counselor or advisor to steer me thru this.
My biggest fear is LR winding up in jail or dead somewhere and god damn I dont want that. He may be a big ass hole but I dont wish anything on him.

Please leave comments if you have any words of wisdom. I sure could use them.

I am so sick of drama

Well I never did get to go out this weekend as I hoped I would. I did get out for just a few Friday night while I waited for my daughter to get home from the movies. It was pretty much typical I was approached by someone (a guy) who knows LR and myself and stated that LR is blaming me etc. for all of this, however, this guy did state he knows this is crap because he also sees how he is and how is is with other woman. At least I now know I am not crazy. While I was broke this weekend and doing things with our daughter. The stupid asshat I am married to was out partying and spent $327.00 in booze this weekend. I am also thinking he is back on cocaine. He has dropped a awful lot of weight in these 7 weeks.

It really pisses me off that I go broke doing things with our daughter and making sure she has what she needs and he is off partying it up and wasting money like that. Mean while at the end of this week we will be behind 2 months in mortgage. He didn't come home again this Saturday night and when I came back from the store and my families on Sunday he was already passed out cold and it was 6:45pm. So obviously he drank the whole time. I hate my daughter seeing that shit.

I approached him last night and just told him everything I was thinking. Told him to go ahead and just move out. He is more of a pain in my ass and doesnt contribute a fucking thing to the house or to our daughter. I asked him to remember when was the last time he spent even 15 minutes with our daughter and really did anything with her. I honestly cant remember. I also told him all about how I felt about his piece of shit family. He couldnt really say anything as he knew I was right. So I am hoping he is working on finding a place to move to.

I am taking a deep breath and wishing for my prayers to be answered. One good thing is coming my way and I have gathered up a group of people to go out on Halloween and I cant wait. Getting a hotel so no one is drinking and driving. Damn!!! you can drink responsibly. See LR. And I dont do it all the time so I can go out with a clear conscious and have a good time. Lets hope these plans dont get screwed up cause I really need to let off some steam. Oh and the other woman and I might meet up that night to for drinks again. ha ha out of this I may have gained a friend.

Nothing new really

Not a whole lot has changed since my last post. LR is still pissed and is a bear to be around. (when he is there) For instance last night he went out drinking and came home around 9:30 pm and proceeded to send me text messages. They started out asking me out for a date. When I shot him down they turned nasty. Saying things like "you make me sick", "leave me alone", and "I hope your friend gets hit by a truck". I am still wondering what friend he was talking about. When the nasty ones started I never responded to him. Yet they kept on coming. They finally stopped close to 11:00 pm. So I am tired once again.

I am praying for a nice weekend. By babysitter fell thru for Saturday. That is bummer because I really needed a night out. I think I will be able to go out for happy hour tonight and catch up with some friends. I wont be able to stay out as my daughter will be just spending a couple hours at a friends b-day party. And I of course have to work OT tomorrow morning. Someone has to.

Just keep your fingers crossed that no drama this weekend. Geesh...what am I talking about this is my life. Duh of course there will be drama until I move out. Someone smack me if I ever go back again.

So he is hurt and pissed now

So today LR is pretty ticked off. After we slept together I guess he figured everything was back to normal and the fued would be over. I am not sure why he thought that when I told him before we did it that nothing was going to change. last night he was doing dishes and being all lovey. But I havent received a apology and even been sat down and said ok this is what is going to change this time. Come on now I just dont understand him. This morning he got up didnt say a word to me and just stormed out of the house. He sent me a text message saying he is now sorry for sleeping with me and figures he is just to late this time. Also making it seem like I have some one else. Hell know I dont have anyone. He has made it so I trust no one. I am not dragging some one else into this hell of a life I have. I need to work on myself first and get moved out etc.

This is just so fucked up.