Ready for this day to end!

All was quiet and calm until LR decided to call this morning. Ugghhhh. What a asshat. (yea I know asshat, it's kinda a word I like now) I havent spoken to him since the 4th and he called today. He was saying his last check only had 17 hours on it and how he doesnt have any money. That he hasnt smoked in two days because of it blah blah blah. I started to lose it. I told him dont cry to me about your finances now. I explained that I have been making it alone and taking care of our daughter, paying his medical and car insurance with no help from him. I said I dont feel sorry for you at all that for months he blew money and didnt pay his bills, instead he partied and did drugs. Now his work has cut him down to 3 days a week. Karma is a bitch I told him. He proceeded to tell me that he didnt start all of this that I did. WHAT THE FUCK!!!
He did say he was going to give me his 1/2 of the car insurance money so that is great. The best part is he still doesnt know that I filed for support so he is really going to lose his mind when he does. So lets hope he does get me that money for insurance.

I dont know why I let him get me all upset. I shouldnt and I know it. I know I didnt do anything wrong. But it just pisses me off when he doesnt stand up and take some responsibility for what he has caused. I just want to go out and let loose and be around my friends tonight. I hope I can make that happen. However I do have to come to work and get some over time in tomorrow. I can do it!!!!! I have to keep telling myself that. ok....I can do it with a hangover. LOL

Now time for the quote of the day from the TMI friend....

Friend: "Yea I told John Doe last night that he needs to install knee pads for me cause damn my knees are getting tore up"

Me: "Ugghhh, again Jane TMI"

Friend: "ha ha ha"

Seasons

On the radio today I was listening to a discussion on seasons. It was if you liked them or not. It got me thinking, I have never lived in Florida or California, basically someplace that is warm all the time without the 4 seasons. I am not sure how I would react. I hate snow and the cold but I just dont think it would be the same. Shoot Christmas and its 80 degrees? I love Spring when you see everything coming back to life and it always seems to have this wonderful "new" smell. Then you have fall. The leaves are changing colors and everything is crisp and beautiful. So I guess I really wouldnt give it up.

Its funny my life seems to be moving along right with the seasons. My marriage started failing in the fall when everything seemed to be dying and here it is winter and its getting rough with losing the house and LR not supporting his daughter and all the lies have come to the surface. By spring I hope to have a new chapter started and moved (hopefully to my own place and LR paying support). Then you have summer when the worse should be behind me and I want to be at my happiest point. Funny how this has played out.

I seem to be doing alright this week. Things are calm and quiet at that moment. Good thing is I havent spoken to or seen LR since the 4th when I blew up at him. I dont want to know how he is doing or where he is at. I just want him to take responsibility for his daughter. I spoke to his mother last night and she acted like we speak all the time and was kinda taken back when I said "no we do not talk". I mean come on "Hello" I dont want to be his friend after all of this shit. Who would want to be his friend? I know she wants him to come back home and all be hunky dory but that aint gonna happen. F-That!

Ok - so now on to the friend that gives me TMI (to much information). I have to tell you all because shit she tells me and I cant stand it. Today she approaches me and says:

Friend : "guess what I told John Doe last night?"

Me: "what did you tell John Doe?"

Friend: " That if we keep on fucking like this and we do it every night I wonder how many calories we will burn"

Me: "why in the hell do you tell me these things?"

I mean come on now. Do I really need to know this shit? And by the way if I every say TMI to anyone please smack the piss out of me please. Its really a mental image I do not need.

More inapropriate Shit

So I am going to continue from a earlier post. My friend approaches me again and continues talking about her and her boyfriend. She tells me about how she gives him oral and how her knees hurt and then about how he wants her to get a bulls eye tattooed on her ass. Come the hell on now. What the fuck am I suppose to say to that????? I continue to tell her that is TMI but she just doesnt get it. I am all full the casual comment of "hay I got some great sex last night" but I dont need the added details. Any help in this area would be greatly appreciated.

As for LR we are on day number 13th since he has talked to his daughter. To be fair he left her a message on Saturday and then she left him a message at the number he gave her, but she hasnt heard back. He is also still negative in his bank account. This leads me to believe that the loser really did lose his job. No work phone and no paycheck put in the account what would you think???? Unless he isnt going to pay the bank back and he is being like the rest of the worthless assholes and getting his check cashed at a liquor store. Its still amazing to me how much he has changed. But I have learned I cant worry about him. I have to focus on myself and my daughter from now on.

So I have a dentist appointment today and I cant stand it. I am very much the type of person that noise bother me. For example I cant stand the sound that mac and cheese makes when you stir it. It makes me wanna gag and throw up. So the noises at the dentist really drive me crazy. The scrapping of your teeth to get the tartar off and the drill. I start to sweat. This is going to be torture. I hate people with bad teeth so I suffer thru it.

Wish me luck.....with the dentist and my friend LOL

Nothing New/Boring

So this past weekend was actually pretty boring for me and I kinda made it that way. I was asked out by two men and I should of said yes to one of them. However I am just not wanting any more drama in my life right now. Also the weather was kind of shitty around here and I didnt want to take the chance when it was the time for me to head home. So it was me and my cat at home on a Saturday night asleep by 9pm.

How fucking pathetic has my life become. My daughter had a better weekend than I did as she was staying away that night. And my dumb ass for a X is running 3 woman. Me I am home along snuggled up with my cat. Kinda just makes me sit back and laugh at what my life has become.

Shit I just dont know what else to say except for "Yep this life of my mine sure does suck at the moment".

It has to get better sometime soon right?

I grew balls via beer

I did it....I got together all the paper work required by social services to file for child support. The worse part is I had to have a few beers to balls up and actually mail it. Why you may ask did I have to get the beer courage to mail it? Well there are several reasons...

1) This is really going to piss off LR

2) What is LR capable of doing in retaliation?

3) Is he going to take my daughter?

4) Is he going to take things from the house while I am at work?

5) or worse...

The list can just go on and on. The asshole needs to support his daughter and take some responsibility. So I mailed it with a little help from Coors Light. All I can do now is just sit back and wait for world war three to begin. I heard it can take up to six weeks to process and for him to be notified. I hope I am not kicked out of my home before then.

I am waiting on a miracle and hope that it comes soon. My horoscope for today looks promising. I know I am not suppose to believe in them but you can always hope.

On a different note I need to do a little bitching about friends....what do you do when a tells you just way to much information about shit you do not want to know? For example I have a best girlfriend that proceeded to tell me about her and her boyfriend having sex. Not a big deal all woman and men talk about if the "got some" or not. However she went into detail about where his cum ended up. Ewwhhh gross! I didnt need that mental image. So what do you fucking say to that statement? I just had to walk away. I couldnt believe it.

Thank goodness this week is almost over. Cheers!

Ughhhhh!!!

Not really sure how I am feeling today. But its much like the title of this entry. Ugghhhh. I really hate LR right now, but on the other hand I know its his addictions that is causing all of this behavior. So do you feel sorry for him or just have this hatred?

I am choosing to just write him out of my life as much as possible. He is making me do everything on my own anyway and rarely sees our daughter. So I will continue with child support so when he does work the money I receive will come straight from his paycheck and I wont have to see him. I am also going to start packing and working on getting out of the house and have my ducks in a row when the foreclosure goes down on the house.

With all I have to do I lean more towards hatred for the man. This is definitely the last straw I cant get back with him and his sickness. I believe there is way to much water on the bridge. Matter of fact with all the woman, drugs and alchol I have to. I am just worried where he will end up. He is my daughter father.

I have been going thru this for 18 years. But thru this current off and on craziness 3 years where we have been splitting up. I am ready to find a really good guy and learn what a normal relationship is like. I think I deserve it. Not wanting to move in and get married but I just want a normal dating relationship. Someone to share things with and experience life with.

So come on guardian angel where are you?

The stress is crippling

Yes I realize it has been a eternity since I have last blogged. However after you hear how my holidays have been you will quickly understand. I am very happy they are over and done with. There is so much to tell and I really dont know where to begin.

My Christmas I spent crying, it started with LR coming over in the morning to watch our daughter open presents. I was ok with this as I knew it would make her happy. He did come in with a attitude. I tried to make him breakfast so he could eat with us and the comment was made that he didnt want to eat my food. What a ass. He only stayed 2 hours exactly. I asked him if he was going to his families and he said NO that me and our daughter were his family and then he started to cry when he got up and walked out the door. So I became upset and actually believed that maybe all this time he has been telling the truth. That he hasnt been with anyone and really wants us back. So I spent the time from Christmas to the New year all upset and locked up in the house. What a waste......

New Years day around 9pm comes the text message. From whom you ask, the woman I have been accusing LR of sleeping with this whole time. In a nutt shell she tells me that she has been staying with LR since he has moved out at his Aunts house and that he has been blowing money on booze and drugs. I assumed all of this but it was nice to have it confirmed. Now you maybe wondering why she is telling me this. Well she hasnt heard from him since the day after Christmas and she finally ran into him New Years Eve at a bar. He walked in with another woman and her parents. She also found out about another woman he was with as well. So he cant even stay faith full with the woman he cheats on me with. I just dont understand how he can cry to me and lie right to my face.

Yesterday I called him to confront him and basically ask for child support and let him know the car insurance is due. His response was he will be giving me no money or help with house. He says he isnt going to make this easy for me. Like I was the cheater and I was the one who did something wrong in this marriage. If he was to stand in front of me I think I would kill him. He isnt hurting me he is hurting our daughter. Because now I am going to have to move to lord knows where and she is going to have to give up her room and her school all over again. So I have to go to social services. From what I have heard he hasnt been to work either. So I hope he still has a job.

Here comes the best part of these past couple weeks. On Friday I got a letter from the doctors office I now have to go in for my 3rd test in a series to see if I have cervical cancer. Thats right the big C. Worse part is with the new insurance this year I have a 400.00 deductible. This test/surgery in a couple weeks will take all of that. However I dont have 400.00. If I did I would get a lawyer on LR.

My feelings are all over the place right now. Its kinda like my whole life has been a lie. I dont know what things LR has ever said to me has been the truth. Kinda like I am living a nightmare.
I just know I have to get my ass in gear and get thru this without a breakdown or becoming a drunk. This is hard all by yourself and raising a daughter. I so wish the support and companionship of a man. I really wish I never gave LR another shot.

Here is to another week.