Whooo Hoooo

I am soooo happy to have my daughter home. It makes a home feel like a home when she is there and makes me feel whole. She had a wonderful time just like I knew she would so I am glad she went and that is something she will always remember. I think she is happy to be back to. She was talking a mile and minute and showing us everything. Next up is her birthday so I am going to have to pull money out of my ass to give her a good one. With how messed up last year was with her Dad and I getting back together and the bike wreck and fighting she is owed one. Last years was really nothing but a couple of us in the back yard with no friends.
Anyhow this weekend is us getting ready for her to start school so shopping it is. That's more money right????? Oh well I always promised that my child wouldn't start school with nothing new.
I am staying away from drinking and the bars because I am tired of trying to make things good with the man and I and watching him. I cant live the rest of my life that way so we will see what he does. Stayed tuned until Monday. I have to see family this weekend anyway who are up from Florida and I have a friends b-day party on Sunday so I will stay busy.
Enjoy the weekend.

Explaining myself.....

I figured I would write today about what I really love about my husband. I thought maybe I have been writing about all of the bad things and I am sure it's making you think "why did she ever end up with him or is staying".
Let's start from the beginning. I was 15/16 years old so was he. High school sweet hearts that no one thought would last. We both come from hard back grounds and really needed each other it seemed. He was always kind, caring and would do anything for anyone. He was also always in a good mood and willing to try something new all the time. Drinking was not a factor then. My mother passed away when I was 17 and I was sent to live with my father who I rarely spoke to. He dropped out of school to get a full time job so when I turned 18 (which was 5 months later) I could move in with him. I thought he was a prince and we were perfect for a long time. The drinking never became a issue until he was about 20. Don't get me wrong I partied to but not to the extent of him. When he turned 21 did the issues really start and we have been off and on every since with the drinking and cheating. He does great for a few years when we get back together after one of these flings and he shows me why I fell in love with him. He is my best friend and times and I think I understand why he drinks. There are many issues involved that I am not going to speak of. I think me understanding him is why I stay. I like to believe that he does love me truly. I love him more than anything but at times I also hate him for making life so complicated. He really is a great guy, fun, caring father and very loving at times.
That is why I stay

It's Been Awhile

Well it has been awhile since I have posted. Wow what a weekend and time I have had. I sure have missed my little girl and I got word today she is on her way home. Thank goodness she will bring what normalcy I have left in my life.
I did take advantage of her time away and have come to realize the bar and drinking scene is not where I want to be. I tried to keep up with my husband (you know the old saying if you cant beat em' join em') that didnt work out so well. One evening I walked away from him for several hours and he didn't seem to notice at all. I got ticked and then went to the car and was there for 25 minutes before he even came out looking. While I was there I had noticed one of the big woman he has tried to pick up on sent him a text message on his phone that he had left in his car. I blew up and just went off on him when he came out. I have realized that usually I have learned to just swallow it and not say a word. But because I had a few I ran my mouth. He is the only person to drive me crazy. I dont take crap from anyone but him because I have no where to go. Again, what to do?
The past few days have been good. I woke up the next day and said I will just not run with him to much anymore and I am going to focus on the house and my daughter. He can destroy himself if he likes I have tried to help him. So I have been mowing grass and cleaning house. Fun huh?
I will have to post some pictures soon. I love photography but just have been to screwed up to focus on that anymore. Time to find myself again.

So this is what it's like...

Well my little girl is gone and off to have a great time in Florida. Now the house is quiet and I am realizing what it is like to not have a child. I have all kinds of free time and nothing to do right now. Hopefully this weekend I will be able to go to my reunion and have a good time and not worry about anything. The husband and I are still not on speaking terms so the house last night was really quiet. Anyhow today is just going to be a catch up on chores around the house and to bed I go.
Cross your fingers and pray that I good times will come my way.

What the F*@k

Wow - What a past couple few days I have had. The worst part is I am being to worry myself.
The weekend started of course Friday evening. As I said in my previous post my daughters trip was postponed until this week. So my "wonderful" husband decides after telling me that we need to save money and not go out so much. (remember this line) that he is going out to the bar. It's 10:45pm nothing good comes from running around that late at night. So of course I just shrug and head inside. We had been enjoying the evening just chilling outside. There is nothing more I can say and I am tired of getting mad and telling him the same old things. I am being to wonder does he want to be married? does he love me? if so why does he run all the damn time.
Saturday morning comes and we were suppose to go on a bike run with family and friends. However we have our daughter and no money. So he states I am just going to run up to the first stop and tell them high and come back. 2 hours later and he isn't back, so I call. He doesn't know when he will be back. So I say F it and head to my families with my daughter. My cousins and uncle head to have a couple drinks while my daughter stays with my aunt playing games. No call from my husband all day or evening. So in my drunken stupor I apparently called and gave him the speech that I hate him. No wonder right???? Well that leads to Sunday morning where he came home (yea he didn't come home said he stayed with his families friend) then he went right back out the door and didn't return until Monday morning to pick up his work truck and go to work. Says he stayed with his sister. Then Monday evening comes home and kisses me and acts like nothing ever happened. I haven't said a word I am afraid I am going to blow up if I do and I didn't want to start anything in front of my daughter. However tonight she leaves for Florida. That's where I am scared of what I am going to say or do. I just want to run away but I have no where to run to. It's like I am a animal caged up at the zoo. There when he wants me.
What do I do now?????

New Plans

Well Friday is finally here and last night at 9:30pm all of the plans I thought I had were changed. My daughter was suppose to be leaving for Florida tomorrow morning and I was to have 10 days free to find out what life is like childless. However all of that changed with one phone call. It seems my Step-mom had a family emergency and will be unable to go. That is OK I completely understand but at the same time I am kinda bummed out. To good to be true. But I really didn't have the money to play around with anyway. I will just kick it around the house and get some cleaning done and maybe play some games with my girl. My husband I am sure will follow thru with the plans we had so he won't be around.
Anyhow such is life right. Gotta roll with it and make the best out of the time we got.
Damn it's hot out I need a cold beer and a pool!!!! enjoy the weekend whooo hooo.

Obsession

I have learned over the past few years with everything that has gone on in my life that I am having these obsessions in several areas of my life. I can't seem to let them go. I am believing that maybe everyone was right. Maybe I should have talked to someone when my Mom passed and then they even said it after my Dad passed. The obsessions only got worse when things started to go bad in my marriage. It's kinda like a secret I have, no one really knows my thoughts or some of my obsessions. I don't speak about them. They just said I needed to talk to someone because the deaths were a "tragedy". The reason I am saying this today is I am just tired of having them. However I just can't let go or stop them. As I am thinking today I stop mid thought and just went "your crazy" even told myself today is a good day everything is fine just stop it. But I just can't shake it.
I also have this thing were I put nothing past anyone and I trust no one. That has to stop to. But the closest people in my life. The ones you grew up learning from your family that you can trust and always depend on. They were the ones who screwed me over the most in my life. So I am not sure if I can let that one go or not.
Guess I am just waiting for someone to tell me my thoughts are not crazy that I am normal. At least I hope I am. I have been told that I am the strongest and most level headed smart person they know. But I sure as hell don't feel that way some days. Matter of fact I am waiting for the breakdown sometimes.