Trust

You see THAT girl, yeah her. She seems so invincible right. but just touch her & she'll flinch.She has secrets & she trusts no one.she's the perfect example of betrayal. cause everyone she trusted, broke her - xanga

I must never drink again

Oh yea you know it. My stupid ass went out Friday night and got so drunk I fucked up and kissed the guy up the street right at the local bar where everyone is now talking about it. I am timing it to see how long it takes to get back to LR. I cant believe I did that. I didnt want to kiss him. If I would have been sober I am sure it would have never happened. However you know how it goes you get drunk and shit happens. So now I am on damage control. Kicking dude up the street to the curb and told him it was not a big deal and that it was nothing. You see he was quick to ask me to dinner yesterday. I am also keeping my ass out of the bar for a awhile and staying at home and just getting packed up and ready for the day to come where I have to move. Ughhh I cant believe I let that happen. I am so embarrassed. How can I talk about LR and then I go and get just stupid drunk where I dont remember everything???? The madness has to stop. I knew I wasnt in the right frame of mind to go out as I was pissed off on Friday. Oh yea E was there...my new partner in crime...she was just as messed up and being talked about.

Ok so Saturday I had to go pick up my daughter from his mother and I ended up having a 2 hour chat with her all about LR and the meeting she had with E. She insist she is a liar and that she never said any of that shit. I just dont know who to believe. So I choose to just hide out and talk to no one. She now knows my side of the story and why I asked LR to leave. I also told her I dont care for her sister (that is who LR is living with) nor do I care for her daughter who is a huge liar. I just dont care what I tell them anymore. I have learned to trust no one.

I got word today that LR is still seeing the skank bartender that he just swore to me on Friday that he hasnt slept with anyone. Well my friend was at the bar yesterday and low and behold LR was dropping her off at the bar...obviously from the night before. He is a mess because just last night he was ringing my phone and then this morning to. I didnt answer either time. How do you do that after you just dropped off your girlfriend. He is sooooo gross. The worst part is that I think I have to see him tonight. He wants to get his mail and bring me heating oil. I pray I get thru this without running my mouth about what I know. Not like I have any room to talk but I went home alone and didnt fuck anyone. So I shouldnt feel guilty.

Ok....just focus...no more drinking....and forget about this weekend.....

Another wonderful morning.

You are suppose to be all happy and cheerful when Friday arrives. However, this morning as I am rushing around getting myself ready and breakfast and lunch ready for my daughter and making sure she is awake and in the shower on time the phone rings.....great! First its my daughters cell and I go over to it (she is in the shower) and I can see that it is my mother in law. Its 6:45 am what in the hell does she want. As soon as it stops ringing my phone ring and its my ass hat of a x-husband. I wasnt going to answer it but I was scared because they both called that something could have happened to someone in the family. NO!!! its just him being him, and on a Friday at that. Ruined my fucking Friday morning. He is saying he wanted to make sure the kid was up and ready for school. My reply "why didnt you call her phone then?". Yea just another excuse. He called back like 2 more times and we did the same old song and dance. Him stating he doesnt want this divorce and me stating he hasnt changed. He hasnt paid a flipping bill in months nor has he given me any money. So where is it all going???? I assume to beer etc. I just cant stand it he says he is worse without me and I tried to tell him he was doing this shit while I was living with him so obviously he needs to do this on his own. He also says he hasnt slept with anyone. I dont believe him he cant live without sex. And he says he doesnt believe me either. Whatever! He has me so stressed out. I hate his calls. They are so dramatic.
Anyway his mother was calling because she wants my daughter to go to this Christmas breakfast thing with the rest of the grandkids. So she is getting her tonight since I have to work in the morning. Maybe I can go to Karaoke tonight with my friends then for a little while. Cant be out late as I have to work early and I dont have any money. As it is I am going to have to bounce a check so I can get a tree. So sad how my life has become. But you have to do what you have to do. My kid will always come first. Fuck her father....

I just feel like shit!

For starters yesterday went pretty well. Nothing really exciting just left early yesterday for our company xmas lunch and then my friend and I went out for a couple beers before heading home to cook dinner, do homework and make cookies with the kid. Then it was off the bed. No phone calls from my jackass of a X or anything like that. But this morning I am just feeling like shit. Not in the sick manner just like shit. Like I just have the blues and I cant figure it out. Maybe its because I looked at my oil tank and realized I will be out of heat soon and we are into December and I know I am going to have to move and I dont have the money or anywhere to go. Its all bothering me. Then the jackass wont talk to me about support or the house and other bills. So "yes" I am freaking out I guess thus causing me to feel like shit today. Oh and I still dont have the results of the test that I took at the doctors last week. Typing this always brings things to light for me.

Lets think of the positive. I do have some xmas shopping done. I have family that I believe loves me even tho they can be fruity at times. I have a beautiful and wonderful daughter. I do have a job and home "TODAY!". I must also still have my looks because this weekend I got called "smokin hot" and then yesterday some guy gave me his business card. That promptly got thrown away. How does a guy expect you to call him when all he does is hand you his card as he sees you are getting ready to leave. And he was at the bar the whole time I was there. I am not calling anyone who does that dumb shit. Shoot I am not calling any man right now. Who needs that bullshit after being married for as long as I have been?

Ok, I am feeling a little better now. Lets hope I can stay this way.

This is such shit

This has just been a shit ass week so far and I am not even half way thru it. Ok on Monday I meet LR's mother to pick up my daughter then I was headed to the mall to get her a new winter coat and outfit for her chorus concert. On the way to mall she informs me that while she stayed with my whacko of a sister in law on Saturday night that she, my niece, nephew and new born niece were all left alone while she and her man of the week went out for the evening. Now I know what you are thinking. My niece is 13 and my daughter is 12. However i dont leave her alone at night and I dont live on top of a mountain with no neighbors let alone with a newborn baby and some bad ass cousins. So I was not pleased or amused at all. Let alone if I was to leave my kid alone while I went out drinking they would run the fucking mouths about me. Then I find out that LR never did come visit her or call her once while she was with his family. He isnt exactly working on father of the year with me. It was a damn holiday weekend come on now.

Skip ahead to yesterday. I get a message from E stating that some guy called her company (ok this is were LR use to work and E is the one he had a affair with and now her and I are talking) looking for him and she stated she gave him my number so that he could get in contact with LR. She said it could be a job offer as he is with a competitor and use to work with LR on joint jobs. So I did, I passed the message by calling LR and I was pleasant and he called me back stating sure enough that this guy wanted a resume sent to him could I do him this favor since I have his resume on my computer. I did it for several reasons. One being the job he has could be ending soon and two this could mean more money for him which could mean he could help me out some more. Plus this could be what he needs to make him better. Then I got to thinking. LR is the type once I start being nice he takes it to mean more than that. Sure enough at 9:30 he calls last night stating he was thinking of me and he misses me blah blah blah. It turns into a discussion that he doesnt like and states that I havent had my child on the weekends since he has been gone. Which is bullshit. I turn it on him stating well you havent even seen your child since you have been gone. He procedes to tell me he isnt going to see her again and he feels he is a embarassment to her. Thats really fucking mature. I am sooo pissed that I cant believe I am married to his idiot. He thinks I am fucking someone. Which we all know I am not. I need to fix me before I drag someone else into my hell. I know he has so why is he on my ass and bringing that shit up. He hung up on me but before he did he started the whole suicide talk stating he cant do this and live like this anymore and that I will read about him in the paper. GREAT just what I need. I hate him for doing that to me. He knows my father did that and at the holidays. He knows how to get to me. I hate now that I am living in hear of that dreaded phone call I may receive. And I will blame myself because I am doing nothing.

Weekend Recap

I am really not sure how I am feeling this morning. This weekend was either what I needed or I am just in a holiday funk. What I am going thru is just really weird. I dont know how to feel anymore.

Where do I begin. On Friday after work I did go out with the other woman whom I am now referring to as E. We went to the local bar with her roommate A whom is also LR's x-stepsister. So I was already walking on shaky ground. Oh...also E's brothers where there as well. I knew them from LR working with them all. I decided to just go with it and just party on. I wanted to go to see that band I was talking about my cold was kinda keeping me down and I wanted to stay local in case I really started feeling worse I could just bail and go the hell home. We ended up closing the bar down and then going to E and A's house to continue on. During this time LR is calling me but I am not answering. He left a message saying we needed to talk. Sometime while I was in the bathroom I tried to call him. Something I wouldnt have done if I was sober. Luckily he didnt answer. I still have not spoken to him but A did call him and he did answer. So now he knows I was with them. Fucking great....he will use that one against me later. I didnt end up getting home until 5:30 am. I have decided hanging out with them is just not healthy. E is a slut ....duh like I didnt fucking realize that she did sleep with my husband. No wonder he went with her she is a drinker who gives it up easily. Not my problem tho right? Really tho she slept with this dork of a guy that night that she just met. Ewwwhhhh. And he was fucking ugly and dorky as hell.

Once I was home I got a few hours of sleep and started thinking about my child coming home and us getting the holiday decorations up. However she never has come home yet. She is still with LR's family. There is no school today so she decided she wanted to stay. Ughhh. I never did leave the house until this morning. I just sat and had time to reflect on how fucked up my life has become. And how I can fix it? how can I move on? how am I getting money? where am I going to live? will I get child support without a fight? what is going to happen to LR? and damn it I really dont have any good friends. Being married to LR it seems that I gave up all my friends. So I am really alone. This weekend just really bought everything to light.

Going thru a divorce is really life changing. Especially when I am losing so much and my credit is shot to shit and I have no money. I resolved nothing this weekend but I learned I have allot to think about.

I hate the holidays. This is the time of year my I lost my parents. Not at the same time. My mom just about 5 years before my dad. For those of you who dont know my mother was killed in a car accident when I was 17 and my father committed suicide on Christmas eve when I was 23. My grandfather also died in December just last year. So me going thru this shit with LR and now the holidays approaching I think I really need to get my shit together and start just putting my all into getting my act together and start packing and doing allot of kid oriented things to get my mind off all the bullshit in my life. Maybe I did need this weekend alone. :)

Post Holiday Ramble

Well the turkey day is over and I have been at work for a hour now. I had to come in at 6:00 am this morning. I am lucky because I stayed last night with my family so my daughter didnt have to be by herself today. It's also convenient for my LR's mother to pick her up since she lives about 5 miles from them. I should be ignorant and hurry back after work then take her all the way home so she has to drive a 1/2 hour to get her. I believe to much in karma to do that shit though.

Lets see how did yesterday go? First off I was up at 6:30 with this damn cold that doesnt seem to be going away. So I figured I would go ahead and finish making the couple of things I was suppose to bring for dinner. Talked to my Aunt for a little bit on the phone and then headed to the shower. LR called and said he wanted to wish me a happy holiday. Barf!!! I politely asked him if he was going to his sisters (they do every year) he said "no" he told me he didnt want to answer any questions or deal with them. What the fuck??? I asked him what questions would be asked we havent been together in a couple months and he has been out of the house for 1 month now. So what else could be asked? He simply told me that he wasnt dealing with it or taking there calls. I guess he wanted me to feel sorry for him, that isnt going to happen anymore. I know to much now of all the shit he has pulled on me and how much of a dog he really is. He did speak to our daughter and tell her a Happy Thanksgiving. I am wondering how long he is going to go before he takes and does anything with her. Even just to take her to dinner. Men are such scum when it comes to separation and divorces. I guess it was a good thing when we were together that I basically did it all when it came to her and everything with the house. Because since he has been gone nothing has really changed except the arguing and seeing him trashed etc. Its just calmer. I feel for my daughter though. However she hasnt asked to see him either. They say you marry men that remind you of your father and I think I have done just that. Fuck!!! I really did marry my father.

Once I got to my aunt and uncles for dinner my cousins who are 21 and 24 were drinking and already about half shit faced. (isnt family great?) The one ended up passed out by 4:00 pm. Then one of my aunts got in my face. This is the aunt who ran into LR's mom and now on her side. She said how can she be lying when she was crying right in the middle of Walmart. She told me that the "other woman" is lying to me and that LR's mom went to see her to tell her to stay away from him etc. First of all if that is true how come his mother hasnt called me and told me this all isnt true. And what does the "other woman" have to gain by lying to me? I went to her and she had another man when LR went and tried to get back with her. You have to read my earlier post to get the whole story. Point is I dont believe LR's mom. So turkey day was something else.

I am hoping after work I can go home take some Nyquil and then sleep and wake up and be all better. I know that is just a dream but I really want to go out and see this band tonight and just have fun. I sooooo need it. Then the rest of the weekend will be a kid weekend and decorating for Christmas. I need to find a man to help me get the tree. Guess LR was good for something besides sex. (speaking of....damn I miss sex...sigh)

Oh well I need to change that subject before I head out tonight and do something I will regret. I really dont need all that drama in my life. Its already fucked up enough. Ok time to get back to work. I hope everyone had a great holiday.