A parents poem

I love this poem and it reflects how I feel about my daughter. Especially after her experience last night and not making the team. I hope I guide her thru life with everything she needs.

A PARENT'S PRAYER
They're only little once.
Grant me the wisdom to guide them down the path that their feet should take.
For I know that they can never turn back and walk those paths with me again.
Give me the wisdom to guide their feetso that someday they'll be able to walk alone.
They're only little once.
Give me the time I need to enjoy them.
For I know that after they're grown, I'll never have another chance
to tell stories and pretend at those tea parties.
I'll never have another chance
to watch them in a school play or sing in church, or to see them catch that first fish or score that first goal or hit that first home run ball.
Give me the time in life's busy scheduleto have fun with my children.
They're only little once.
Let me be a loving parent.
Let me correct and not just punish, explain and not merely scold.
Let me know when to correct, and how often, and when it's best to just look the other way.
Help me be patient and give me a gentle hand to mould them into better people.
They're only little once.
Let me be a good teacher and an even better example.
Give me the right words and deeds to teach them.
Help me to teach them about You and how to walk in Your ways
so that when they are old they will not depart from Your ways.
For they're only little one time,
only innocent and trusting and pliable for a space of time, one minute in an eternity.
Let me do my best for them while I have the chance.
Amen
~~ Author Unknown ~~

Heartbreak

Well here is goes. My daughter did not make the volleyball team last night. My heart just broke for her. I am very proud of her though she didn't break down in front of her friends or her father and I until we made it to the car to go home. She is one tough cookie. What pisses me off about the whole thing is how unfair these school activities really are. First they charge you to try out. That cost $25.00, they don't come out and say they are charging you for this. But what else is that cost going for because you don't get it back if they don't make the team? The other thing is all the girls who made the team were either friends of the coach or were on her team outside of the school. Next was how she told the girls who didn't make it. She took them into the hall way told them and then said they had to sit in the hallway until there parents arrived to pick them up. Meanwhile the others are in the gym having a good time and playing. The doors were wide open for those who didn't make it to see. I cried with her and my motherly instinct wanted to kill the coach. I knew there was a chance my child wouldn't make the team and that's fine but how it was done was completely wrong. I want to do something fun with her this holiday weekend and take her mind off of it. Something really has to be done with these school activities. No wonder the kids are really mean in school now to each other.

Anyhow I am looking forward to this weekend and hope there is no drama. It would be nice to have just one weekend with no drama of any kind. Maybe I will play the lotto tonight and my life can change. Keep your fingers crossed. :)

KEEP YOUR FINGERS CROSSED

Well I am going to keep my fingers crossed. My daughter is trying out for volleyball tonight and I praying she makes the team. They are only taking 14 girls and over 30 showed up for last nights clinic. So I pray that she makes it because she seems to really be into it. And its great exercise for her and some bonding with the girls. I love seeing her interested in something and smiling and carrying on.

As for the home life the man is still trying to make up for this past weekends and the many before. We will see what this 3 day weekend brings. As of right now he is saying he will go with me to a friends cook-out. I am not holding my breath on that one. But I will say he is trying and I have to realise that he has a problem. I know that is no excuse but Monday thru Thursday we seem to be great. I just wish he could be like this all the time.

Another one of those weekends......

Well the weekend went just the way I thought it would. My husband continued to run all weekend and drink to excess. Sunday again was another late night that kept me up until 1 am when I have to get up for work at 5:15 am. So I dragged ass again on Monday. It's really beginning to wear on me physically and emotionally. My daughter is starting to make comments again as well about all the drinking and running he has been doing. I did however give in a and have a couple beers on Saturday when my girlfriend dropped in. But damn it's nothing like his. The little white lies are also pissing me off. Like he will come in and then say "I wasn't in bar" as he is standing there drunk and reeking of the bar. He knew I was pissed. He didn't make it work yesterday so that is a day without pay. We need the money in a bad way and I am working OT to pay for my daughters b-day party while he is spending his on beer etc and then not going to work. I told him I am not happy about the drinking on running. So yesterday he had dinner ready and was acting like he didn't drink but I saw beer in the fridge with some missing. I hate being depressed all the time and that is the way I am feeling because I know I am in a lose lose situation right now. I am to old to be playing the teenage games with him. However I am understanding him because his whole immediate family is a total mess. So in some ways he is better than most in his eyes.

I am very proud of my daughter right now she seems to be doing great so far in school and is ready to try out for volleyball so she is the sunshine in my life and is what keeps me going. I love her to death.

No Alcholol

Okay - This is week number two were I have not drank. I can tell you it has been good. With the state of mind I have been in I figure this is for the best. I am already a very vocal person and express my opinion openly. If you ask me a question I will answer you honestly. However I tend to speak out when I am drinking to my husband. That is not a good thing with the way our relationship has been going. This past weekend I was very happy that I did not drink. He was way over the top with it and hard to handle. If I had been drinking it would not have been good. So I figure this is for the best because I can afford to leave and I have no where to go. So I will just keep my cool and not drink. However last night was of course Friday and he shocked me by not going out. He did drink but just did it at home. This is always better than him being on the roads and out at a bar without me.
I have been thinking that he isn't happy either. The reason for this is many. The over the top drinking. He made a statement on our 15 year anniversary which was Wednesday that there is only 7 more years to go (that is when our daughter turns 18) and he has been saying allot lately that I don't even like him. So I think he is pushing all the blame on me. I do like him and love him but I just cant stand all the drinking and carrying on he does. He went years where he didn't do all of this running and I really was enjoying it. Then the affair happened and it has just gone to crap after that. You can also tell by our anniversary we didn't even really acknowledge it and I thought 15 years was suppose to be one of the big ones. He didn't even remember it until he got to work and had to look at the date. Oh well right. Maybe everyone is right high school sweet hearts never last.
Don't get me wrong when he is not drinking heavily we really are best friends. I know him inside and out and I love him to death. He has been by my side thru the toughest times in my life. But I just think he is on a mission to destroy himself. I hate thinking about that.
Anyhow it's Saturday and I am hoping the weekend turns out better than the last one. Cant wait to run around with my daughter all weekend and enjoy the sunshine.
Adios!

It will never end.

Well this weekend went pretty much as expected. I went and got things done with my daughter to get ready for school and the man choose to get intoxicated to the point where I was disgusted.
He of course found excuses to get that way and this weekend it just so happened to be me. It was (he claims) that I don't love him and I hate him and my family doesn't except him. The story behind my family is my grandmother is up from Florida and doesn't take kindly to him because of the cheating etc. So I was asked to come without him so she wont tell him off. I only see her once every 10 years and she hasn't seen my daughter since she was 5. So I felt I should stop by. I didn't stay but a hour but boy did he use that to his advantage and said he would never go anywhere I wasn't invited. Like I said its a excuse because he rarely goes with me to my family functions. The rest of my family is fine with him and invites him all the time. The all like him and said its my choice to be with him and he is a great guy except for this drinking problem. They all spoke to him while we were separated and even went to the hospital after the accident. So he is being stupid. Its exhausting every weekend. I just want to do things sometimes that does not involve drinking and some normalcy.
Well tomorrow is the first day of school and my daughter is excited and I am happy that she is. She did wonderfully last year and I am praying she does the same this year. My little girl is growing up. My how time flies. She is the best thing in my life right now.

Whooo Hoooo

I am soooo happy to have my daughter home. It makes a home feel like a home when she is there and makes me feel whole. She had a wonderful time just like I knew she would so I am glad she went and that is something she will always remember. I think she is happy to be back to. She was talking a mile and minute and showing us everything. Next up is her birthday so I am going to have to pull money out of my ass to give her a good one. With how messed up last year was with her Dad and I getting back together and the bike wreck and fighting she is owed one. Last years was really nothing but a couple of us in the back yard with no friends.
Anyhow this weekend is us getting ready for her to start school so shopping it is. That's more money right????? Oh well I always promised that my child wouldn't start school with nothing new.
I am staying away from drinking and the bars because I am tired of trying to make things good with the man and I and watching him. I cant live the rest of my life that way so we will see what he does. Stayed tuned until Monday. I have to see family this weekend anyway who are up from Florida and I have a friends b-day party on Sunday so I will stay busy.
Enjoy the weekend.

Explaining myself.....

I figured I would write today about what I really love about my husband. I thought maybe I have been writing about all of the bad things and I am sure it's making you think "why did she ever end up with him or is staying".
Let's start from the beginning. I was 15/16 years old so was he. High school sweet hearts that no one thought would last. We both come from hard back grounds and really needed each other it seemed. He was always kind, caring and would do anything for anyone. He was also always in a good mood and willing to try something new all the time. Drinking was not a factor then. My mother passed away when I was 17 and I was sent to live with my father who I rarely spoke to. He dropped out of school to get a full time job so when I turned 18 (which was 5 months later) I could move in with him. I thought he was a prince and we were perfect for a long time. The drinking never became a issue until he was about 20. Don't get me wrong I partied to but not to the extent of him. When he turned 21 did the issues really start and we have been off and on every since with the drinking and cheating. He does great for a few years when we get back together after one of these flings and he shows me why I fell in love with him. He is my best friend and times and I think I understand why he drinks. There are many issues involved that I am not going to speak of. I think me understanding him is why I stay. I like to believe that he does love me truly. I love him more than anything but at times I also hate him for making life so complicated. He really is a great guy, fun, caring father and very loving at times.
That is why I stay

It's Been Awhile

Well it has been awhile since I have posted. Wow what a weekend and time I have had. I sure have missed my little girl and I got word today she is on her way home. Thank goodness she will bring what normalcy I have left in my life.
I did take advantage of her time away and have come to realize the bar and drinking scene is not where I want to be. I tried to keep up with my husband (you know the old saying if you cant beat em' join em') that didnt work out so well. One evening I walked away from him for several hours and he didn't seem to notice at all. I got ticked and then went to the car and was there for 25 minutes before he even came out looking. While I was there I had noticed one of the big woman he has tried to pick up on sent him a text message on his phone that he had left in his car. I blew up and just went off on him when he came out. I have realized that usually I have learned to just swallow it and not say a word. But because I had a few I ran my mouth. He is the only person to drive me crazy. I dont take crap from anyone but him because I have no where to go. Again, what to do?
The past few days have been good. I woke up the next day and said I will just not run with him to much anymore and I am going to focus on the house and my daughter. He can destroy himself if he likes I have tried to help him. So I have been mowing grass and cleaning house. Fun huh?
I will have to post some pictures soon. I love photography but just have been to screwed up to focus on that anymore. Time to find myself again.

So this is what it's like...

Well my little girl is gone and off to have a great time in Florida. Now the house is quiet and I am realizing what it is like to not have a child. I have all kinds of free time and nothing to do right now. Hopefully this weekend I will be able to go to my reunion and have a good time and not worry about anything. The husband and I are still not on speaking terms so the house last night was really quiet. Anyhow today is just going to be a catch up on chores around the house and to bed I go.
Cross your fingers and pray that I good times will come my way.

What the F*@k

Wow - What a past couple few days I have had. The worst part is I am being to worry myself.
The weekend started of course Friday evening. As I said in my previous post my daughters trip was postponed until this week. So my "wonderful" husband decides after telling me that we need to save money and not go out so much. (remember this line) that he is going out to the bar. It's 10:45pm nothing good comes from running around that late at night. So of course I just shrug and head inside. We had been enjoying the evening just chilling outside. There is nothing more I can say and I am tired of getting mad and telling him the same old things. I am being to wonder does he want to be married? does he love me? if so why does he run all the damn time.
Saturday morning comes and we were suppose to go on a bike run with family and friends. However we have our daughter and no money. So he states I am just going to run up to the first stop and tell them high and come back. 2 hours later and he isn't back, so I call. He doesn't know when he will be back. So I say F it and head to my families with my daughter. My cousins and uncle head to have a couple drinks while my daughter stays with my aunt playing games. No call from my husband all day or evening. So in my drunken stupor I apparently called and gave him the speech that I hate him. No wonder right???? Well that leads to Sunday morning where he came home (yea he didn't come home said he stayed with his families friend) then he went right back out the door and didn't return until Monday morning to pick up his work truck and go to work. Says he stayed with his sister. Then Monday evening comes home and kisses me and acts like nothing ever happened. I haven't said a word I am afraid I am going to blow up if I do and I didn't want to start anything in front of my daughter. However tonight she leaves for Florida. That's where I am scared of what I am going to say or do. I just want to run away but I have no where to run to. It's like I am a animal caged up at the zoo. There when he wants me.
What do I do now?????

New Plans

Well Friday is finally here and last night at 9:30pm all of the plans I thought I had were changed. My daughter was suppose to be leaving for Florida tomorrow morning and I was to have 10 days free to find out what life is like childless. However all of that changed with one phone call. It seems my Step-mom had a family emergency and will be unable to go. That is OK I completely understand but at the same time I am kinda bummed out. To good to be true. But I really didn't have the money to play around with anyway. I will just kick it around the house and get some cleaning done and maybe play some games with my girl. My husband I am sure will follow thru with the plans we had so he won't be around.
Anyhow such is life right. Gotta roll with it and make the best out of the time we got.
Damn it's hot out I need a cold beer and a pool!!!! enjoy the weekend whooo hooo.