Obsession

I have learned over the past few years with everything that has gone on in my life that I am having these obsessions in several areas of my life. I can't seem to let them go. I am believing that maybe everyone was right. Maybe I should have talked to someone when my Mom passed and then they even said it after my Dad passed. The obsessions only got worse when things started to go bad in my marriage. It's kinda like a secret I have, no one really knows my thoughts or some of my obsessions. I don't speak about them. They just said I needed to talk to someone because the deaths were a "tragedy". The reason I am saying this today is I am just tired of having them. However I just can't let go or stop them. As I am thinking today I stop mid thought and just went "your crazy" even told myself today is a good day everything is fine just stop it. But I just can't shake it.
I also have this thing were I put nothing past anyone and I trust no one. That has to stop to. But the closest people in my life. The ones you grew up learning from your family that you can trust and always depend on. They were the ones who screwed me over the most in my life. So I am not sure if I can let that one go or not.
Guess I am just waiting for someone to tell me my thoughts are not crazy that I am normal. At least I hope I am. I have been told that I am the strongest and most level headed smart person they know. But I sure as hell don't feel that way some days. Matter of fact I am waiting for the breakdown sometimes.

Bikes, Bands and Beer

Well the weekend has come and gone. It was a blast and way to short. Of course because it was a kid free weekend me and the man hoped on the Harley and headed for a ride and get a couple beers and saw our friends band Friday evening. Saturday we headed out for a bike run to support the fallen troops. That had to be the best run so far this year. Well over 200 bikes and police escorted. At the end there was more bands, food and raffles. Lots of new friends were made and good times were had.

This week however is going to be busy with getting my daughter ready for her trip to Florida and the usual up keep of chores and errands. So Wow I am already looking forward to the weekend for a break and it has just begun.

Crazy family issues on both husbands side and mine. (I am just thanking the lord it's not within my relationship this time) We have his sister who just left her husband, his Mom's husband just got told he will be laid off within 5 months and my crazy ass grandmother is making a trip up from the south. She is crazy and my family here doesn't really want to make the room for her because she is always causing drama. Cant wait to see how this will pan out.

Anyhow all in all I am in a general great mood!!! Hope the rest of the day will be the same.

Just one more day!

Just one more day and hooray it will be FRIDAY. My daughter is staying a couple days with her grandmother. She actually got picked up today while I was at work. Soooo I get to do nothing this evening. That is always a plus every now and then. Then tomorrow I get to have a girls night out. I haven't had one of those since before I got back with my husband, that has been a year. So let the good times roll.
I have begun to just let all my issues roll off my back this week and the stress seems to just not be as intense. I figure there is nothing I can do about the money etc. and it's not going to kill me so I can't just sit around and be miserable. Just going to be thankful for the good times and all the wonderful things I do have in my life.
Hopefully by doing this good things will come my way. Shoot maybe this will make my relationship better with husband. We will see after this weekend. We have the whole weekend kid free so I am curious.
So everyone happy early TGIF!

Money worries

Today I am sitting at work wondering how in the hell am I going to get everything paid this week. Damn life is hard sometimes. Since the man lost his job due to the affair and bike accident we are not bringing in enough money to cover all of our expenses. So you have to play the game of "ok who this week am I going to pay". Yes the banks are calling however no one is there to answer the phone. Ha ha ha. Caller ID is wonderful.
It will be ok though what doesn't kill us makes us stronger.
On a good note the man and I are talking. We tend to do that after about a week because both of us cant stand to go that long without sex. And believe me after a week it's pretty good. We always did have that in common that's why I can't understand the affair. Unless it's just that he wanted to see if it could be any better with her. Guess it wasn't if he came back to me.
Yesterday was a day off for me so I got allot accomplished and spent some quality time with my daughter. Damn how I will miss that kid when she goes to Florida with her grandmother for a week. However that will be party time for Mom. She has never been gone from me for more that 3 nights. That was only because I had to visit my grandfather that was dying. So I will be a lost puppy when she is gone.
Oh how life is hard and strange at times.

How it went and a scare

Good day to all. My weekend turned out to be very productive in my eyes. I accomplished some outside painting that needed to be done around the garage and basement. I completed this all while my husband and I didn't speak. As you read about my previous weekend we still were not on good terms. However he was there and helping me. I believe this was more a attempt to just get under my skin. He knows I can't stand him to be around and us just ignore each other. Saturday evening after the painting was done he asked me out for a beer. I said what the hell I really needed one. So off we went, I should have known better. We got to talking and he basically admitted he isn't going to change his flirting ways with the woman as this is who he is and either I accepted it or leave. That I shouldn't be jealous because he always comes home to and/or with me.

How would you all handle this? I just shook my head and continued to be pissed. Am I over reacting? And is this a normal relationship. I am surrounded and have been my whole life by what I consider dis functional relationships that I just don't know anymore what is right.

Sunday was great during the day because my daughter and I hung out with a friend and her pool and got tan and relaxed. However I came home to a empty house and the man was out drinking so another conversation occurred. Lets just say I let it go I have to many other worries.

The other worries are tomorrow I have to go for a colposcopy (maybe spelled wrong) because I had a pap smear come back. Because ovarian cancer runs in my family and I continue to have bad paps my doctor basically said it's a waiting game for me. So I wonder how this is going to turn out. There is a big part of me that is scared. However no one knows.

Sunshine

Well good afternoon. Today is a much better day for me, it's the start of a new weekend and I have no idea what to expect. No plans have been made and me and my so called better half (ha ha) are still the same. However last night my daughter and I were at a friends house swimming and all I could do was thank god for her. Watching her swim and laugh and carry on got me thinking. She is the sunshine of my life and no matter how bad I am thinking things are she is the one good stable thing in my life. Being a parent is the best thing in the world.
So today I am working and keeping my eyes open for something enjoyable and fun to do. After last weekend I think it is much deserved.
To the sunshine and warm weather I hope everyone has a wonderful weekend.

Blah!!!

Things have been pretty quiet around the home front since this past weekends events. I have just been reflecting on home I let my crazy life get like this. I really can say I just have to blame it on myself for coming back in the first place. Once I left my husband after the cheating episode I had my own place and new friends and I choose to come back on the lies he told me. That things are going to change blah blah blah. Well guess what they didnt. So now I am stuck with no place to run to and no money. Since I came back of course he lost his job because he was having a affair with the bosses daughter. So he took a job backing a whole lot less money. If I leave I will get no where near the support I did before so I dont know if I can make it on my own. My credit cards are racked up. Using them to pay bills while he was out with the accident and no job.
But again I blame myself, he would have kept his job if I didnt choose to come back.
I just have to figure a way out of this mess. He still wants us to work he says but he has proven over this past year that he isnt changing. And the trust will never be there again.
Enough of the self pitty this week and unhappiness. I do have a wonderful daughter who is my whole world and I will show her better and how a relationship should be once I can pull my shit together. To hell with the cheating men in this world life is to short!!!!! Woman stay strong always remember "karma is a bitch" and they will get theres. ha ha

The weekend

Well just let me tell you that my weekend was another eye opening moment. It was eye opening because it just reassured me that I married a a-hole. Just when you think "hay things me going better" it doesn't. People really don't change I have come to find out. No matter how many serious events happen he just won't change. For example a birth of a child, two DUI's, a serious motorcycle accident that had him out of work for a year and me leaving him. None of these things have changed him. He is still a man whore. Dancing with other woman, having them call him, and other men getting mad because he dances with there woman and calls them sweety and hun. To him I am just jealous. But I am really not. It's a respect thing in my eyes. You don't do these things when you are married. You don't run to the bars until 1 or 2 in the morning and hang on other woman. He says he always comes home to me. But that isn't enough anymore. I need respect and to someone to pay attention to me. To other woman out there or men to who are in this situation it causes you to loose self esteam. And I have just about had enough of feeling like shit because of him. Along with the nasty things he says to me while I bring these things up to him. I need to find a way out. Unfortunately I don't have parents or siblings to run to or the money to get my own place. Please anyone who is reading this I pray you were smarter than I was and are able to support yourself instead of relying on a man. I believe this was part of his big plan so that I can't leave.
Anyhow that's enough bitching for today. Until next time. Cheers.