Happy Holidays

Just wanted to wish anyone who maybe reading this a Happy Holiday. I wont be posting much until after the New Year as I am on vacation and doing family things. Wish me well as I have to deal with the Ex first thing in the morning at my house. At least he is coming to see his daughter. I can suck it up for a day.

You try to do good and drama...

I realize it has been a few days since I have posted any information but I havent felt that good and the holidays really get me down. So here is the latest.

I have tried to keep to myself and just do my own thing. However I am finding that drama stills follows me. For instance...I went into my local bar on Saturday afternoon to see what in the hell is being said about me since my last drunk escapade in there. My daughter was at a friends house and I knew I was only going in for a couple and then bail out. While I was in there a regular came in that I am going to name J. J is a guy that also knows the Ex. Any ways there were a bunch of people in there and we were all doing the usual bullshit chatter about the holidays etc. As time rolls by J made a comment that he came by the house late one night about a month ago. I think to myself "ahhh that is who was banging on the door". I told him no I didnt know that and why would you come by. His response was "well why not?". "SHIT" I think to myself. J has a live in girlfriend who I find to be a complete bitch but that is besides the point. I dont have anything to do with men who are hooked up in any way shape or form. J proceeded to inform me that things have been bad for awhile and she is now sleeping in another room and has been for awhile. I do know this to be a true statement but still. I leave and pick up my daughter and we are home no more than 20 min and J shows up at the house. Of course I let him in and we talked for awhile. I lay ed it all out on the table that I am having nothing to do with him and to check back with me when she moves out. Fucking drama. I did nothing to bring that on. You can believe that because I want to keep in good graces at my local hang out. I decided to keep my stupid antics away from the home front. HA ha ha.

Lets move on to Sunday. It was a normal day I took my daughter to the mall did some laundry and just kicked back. Later that night right before bed the Ex calls and states he went and had "some words" with my sister in laws man. It seems he hit her again. OK what in the hell did I do to ask for that drama to be placed on me. I didnt want or ask him what he did this weekend. I got off the phone as quickly as possible. I dont think he understands that I dont want to know anymore. I dont want that drama. I dont call him unless it has to do with our daughter. In the past 2 months I called him 2 times. He will get a call next month that I am filing support because I looked at his account this morning. The man spent $281.00 in two days at the bars and I havent seen a dime in over 2 months. Big douche bag.

Any how what it boils down to is the fucking drama just wont go away. Please help me and take me away to a warm island where I can sit with a fruity drink on the beach all day. I am only asking for a week. Please.

Whewwwww!

Today's blog is going to be a little different than my usual bullshit rants about my ex. By the way nothing has changed in that department. Here we go.....

Yesterday on my way home from work I got to thinking about a dear friend of mine who use to be my neighbor. Her and I are the same age and have tons in common. We even married the same type of man. However she choose to stay with her man after his cheating ways and he still drinks like a fish. I cant judge her at all as I have taken ass hat back a few times. She is also a hair dresser and I needed my hair cut in a bad way. So I figured lets kill two birds with one stone, her and I can catch up and she can cut my hair. So I offer to buy a pizza for her kids and get a couple beers and toss her a couple bucks if she comes over and hangs out for the evening and cuts my hair. She totally went for it. You see she has two young kids 5 and 2 and hardly ever gets out of the house and has girl time. When she lived next door it was great we hung out all the time and did this. I couldnt wait to see her and catch up on things. WOW!!!! when they showed up it was crazy. Her kids are wild as monkeys and I guess I never really cared before because we always kept if over at her house and I never cared. They were jumping on beds and jumping all over my daughter and driving her crazy and they ran circles in my house. Basically they destroyed my house. Love my girlfriend to death she tried to keep them in check but she has lost that battle. They stayed about 4 hours and when they left my daughter and I looked at each other and just went "Ahhhh". We were exhausted. My daughter is 12 and has always been a great well behaved kid. Dont get me wrong she has had her moments as all kids do but I could take her anywhere and she never acted like that. Not even in her own home.

That takes me to this point. I was 21 when I got pregnant. I could not imagine getting pregnant in my thirties as most of my friends are right now. Just like my girlfriend from last night. I cant imagine having young kids at this age. No patience at all for that shit. I am happy knowing when I turn 40 my kid will be 18. Who knows maybe thats why her kids are out of control. When I had my daughter I guess I had enough energy to work and still stay on top of her and make sure she did act right. Dont get me wrong I didnt beat her or anything but I also didnt let her get away with any bullshit. For that matter I still dont.

God bless all you thirty somethings that are just now starting your families. I thank the lord I started when I did. I like being one of the youngest mothers in my daughters class and that her grandparents are still young as well. Not that you all are doing anything wrong I just know I couldnt do it at this age.

Wheewww.

The Ass Hat

Yes the ass hat can still bring me to tears. I fucking hate that about him. Why can't he just let it go and leave me alone? LR called last night with the same old line saying he just wanted to hear my voice and basically feeling me out and seeing if I am giving in. I didn't! He calls this morning again saying the roads are bad due to ice and was telling me some things I needed to do to the house since the temperatures are below freezing now. The conversation quickly turns to us and I end up in tears. The tears came from me explaining to him why I am not taking his ass back. He is making this all my fault that we are not together. Yes, I told him to get out, however, I had good reason. Duh! he was calling other woman, drinking all the time and lying constantly to me. This isnt the first time. So I kept on asking him what has changed? Whats different this time? I then ask him tell me the last time we had a good time together were we both were not drinking? He couldnt do it. He just kept saying he loved me. Well I have quickly found out that love just isnt enough.

I told him to remember just a year and a half ago when I gave up everything and moved back in with him after the accident. Believing every word he said about how this time it would be different. Within 3 months he was calling the other woman again and drinking heavily. I stuck it out for over a year because I didnt want to put my daughter through this bullshit all over again and I knew the other woman was having nothing to do with him. But it still wasnt right. Now there has been a couple woman that he is messing with along with whisky and possibly drugs. Who in the hell would want all that back? He keeps saying he will get help. I have heard that to many times.

It really sucks to know that your husband has had sex with more woman during your marriage than you have slept with guys in your entire life. It also suck ass to know that the person you are suppose to depend on and trust the most in your life has broken your trust time and time again and has caused you to not even trust your own family. I vent my feelings on this blog because I dont trust anyone talk about these things. Its sad when one person has caused you to become this crazed fucking fruit cake.

Even if he was to get help and go into rehab I still wouldnt take him back as I am realizing we have way to many other issues on our plate. I dont wish anything upon him but I do wish he would leave me alone and only call and talk about our daughter.

Heres to a life of sanity from now on. Damn it where is prince charming when you need him?

Feelings

This is such a "Duh" statement but being alone just sucks sometimes. I mean I feel like a 80 year old nun. No sex, no companionship, work, home, and sleep. Same routine every fucking day during the week. Don't get me wrong I have been out partying for the past couple weekends and sure you can take a guy home from the bar but what is that getting you? No where but drama and someone getting there feelings hurt in the end. Right now it wouldn't be me. The ex has me not trusting and a slight bit of hatred for morons. I really need to stop that because I know not everyone is like him. But he has caused me to lose allot. I cant wait until this part of my life is behind me. Should be just a few more months and everything should fall into place again. I would rather live like the 80 year old nun that live the with him and be miserable. (however I would be getting sex..LOL) Yea he has called already this morning, I didnt answer, he was saying the roads were OK and I should be safe this morning, oh and he loves me. What the fuck is that???? Cant he just leave me alone. How do you screw other woman and then say that to me. Ughhh!

It's hump day and the weather is shitty but at least we are half way to the weekend. Whoo hooo. Right now the weekend is just set up to do things with my kid and wrap presents. Oh the damn house really needs some attention. Its not a mess but I do need to scrub floors and the bathroom. Grocery shopping needs to be done as well. I swear I would rather clean the toilet than grocery shop. I hate that fucking job the most. There is a idea for a business, hire someone to do it for you. I will just suck it up and get it all done this weekend. That way next week will hopefully be smooth sailing. Keep your fingers crossed.

Ta Ta for now!

A early Christmas gift

With all of the stress and pressure I have been feeling lately I received probably the best gift I will get last night. It came from my daughter. She is studying family life in school right now. Last nights assignment was all about self esteem etc. I was to sit down with her and complete a questionnaire/work sheet. I help her with homework every night anyway so that was no big deal. One of the work sheets was to list what you were proud of about yourself, who are you role models and just general questions like that. I wasn't expecting her to put me as a roll model. I really figured after the past couple weeks and her attitudes towards me that she may have thought I was part of the problem in her father and I splitting up and that she just in general didnt put me in the category of a roll model. But she did. All I could do was ask her if that was how she really felt. She said yes. That was the best gift I could have received. I guess I am not doing as bad as I thought or felt. I just love that kid of mine. She made a rough day bright.

Pressure is stressfull.

I have no idea where to begin. This weekend was so fucking unbelievable. Not in a good way either. I know I said I was going to lay low and not drink and just basically chill out this weekend. However, of course I did not do that...
Saturday while I was working LR called me and asked me to meet him when I got off of work so he could shop for our daughter. So I did, he met me in the parking lot at my job and I rode over with him. I figured we could hopefully talk and get the child support and bills settled. I knew as soon as I got the in vehicle that I made a bad decision. He has turned into a maniac. He was hateful and drove like a idiot. Acted like he didnt care what happened. We make it to the mall and walked in silence he got a couple things and then said he was thirsty. So we go to a restaurant in the mall and sit at the bar and he is ordering whisky, plain on the rocks. Its not even 1:30pm yet. Un fucking believable. He hasnt changed at all. If anything he has gotten worse. So of course we start bantering back and forth and I get blamed and told I am sleeping with someone. Ok you shit head you just spent a weekend with another woman, but he claims they didnt sleep together. I am not that fucking stupid. So he takes me back to my truck and then peels wheels out of there and then jumps over curbs and grass to leave the lot. Great this is my place of business. I just headed home.
Once I got home my uncle calls and says my aunt from down the road is coming up and I should go to his house. (my aunts and uncles are very cool not old and we all party together) I told him no but they kept calling me and so finally I gave in. Peer pressure is a bitch. Once I got there we head over to the bar. I use to hang out there when I lived near my uncle when LR and I split up. LR's Mom and step Dad go there to as they live close to by as well. But that didnt worry me as LR told me he doesnt talk to her anymore and he was suppose to have plans. So we are sitting there and sure enough who walks in but LR and his mom. SHIT!!!! so we pick up and go to leave and LR stops me and says no he will leave. I kept on walking out and so does he. My family and I leave and head to another bar down the road. I have also been in this bar with one of the guys I was seeing 2 years ago when LR and were split. My aunt jokes about who else is going to show up. And sure enough in walks my ex. LOL he walks right on by and uses the bathroom and then walks out. I just couldnt believe my luck. I knew I should have just stayed home. I called LR's mom and ask her if LR came back to the bar and she said no. So we all headed back to that bar as it was closer to home and we all knew people in there. The rest of the evening was fine and I ended up having a good time just hanging out with my family and friends. Plus I got to flirt a little bit with this guy I just adore. However nothing is going to become of it because he knows my life is a mess and just cant go down that road right now.
Sunday I wake up and head home so I can get my daughter from my step-mom. We just chill for the day and made dinner etc. Then LR's mom calls and tries to get me to let LR come home. I can understand she wants him to move back home because she hates were he is living and she wants him to get help etc. But she doesnt understand that I cant do it. My marriage has been destroyed. There is no trust there. How can I forgive everything he has done. He isnt going to change or he would have by now. I cant just say "ok come home everything will be ok" because it wont. What is changing? Sure he says he loves me and he wants to come home. But if he truly loved me he wouldnt have destroyed things AGAIN. Yes my life is hard and I have no idea where I am going to live in a couple months and yes it would be easy to just say ok come home. But for some reason this time I just cant do it. I have done that to many times. Maybe my love for him is gone. I dont want anything to happen to him and I think he is the biggest douche alive. But I hate to see him this way and dont want this for him. I wish I had all the answers but I just dont know right now what to do and I hate all the pressure I am receiving from his mother and him. He called me this morning and late last night saying he loves me and wants this to work. Its literally making me ill. I HATE PRESSURE. Leave me alone fuckers!!!!

SOOO Frustrated

My life seems to just be spinning out of control. The worst part is I don't think I can do anything about it. This finally seems to be affecting my daughter. I have had two nights this week were she has turned and thrown major attitude my way were she became really nasty and gone to her room and slammed the door. This normally is not her and the attitude came from right out of no where. They also occurred after LR's appearance Tuesday evening. So that is the only reason I have come up with. I feel sorry for her so I just tell her that I dont understand her outburst towards me and I really dont appreciate it. That if she has something she needs to talk to me about that I am here. That is all I can really do.

After dealing with the second out burst last night, this morning the jackass calls me and wants to know about what to buy our daughter for Christmas and what I had gotten her. I told him what I had and he was shocked and said that I didnt tell him. Well duh he wont talk to me. So I told him that. Then he starts with wanting to come home etc. I hate him for doing this...he is making it all my fault and he isnt doing anything wrong and still claiming he has slept with no one. I soooo dont believe him. He says he will make it so we can keep the house if I let him come back. He never did answer me about the support I am suppose to be receiving. He ended the conversation by saying we should shop together tomorrow for Christmas. What a fucking joke. Hell NO!!! But I do need to talk to him....Hopefully he will call again. Other wise the child support papers are getting filed.

I had the weirdest dream about him last night. I was trying to save him and our cat from something and I dont know what it was. But I just woke up with this extreme feeling to help him, and the damn cat for some strange reason. I am still trying to rationalize that dream.

The weekend is here and I am serious about trying to change my ways. So I am going to work and get my remaining shopping done tomorrow. I will be alone as my daughter is sleeping over with her grandmother and her neice. So maybe I will get some ice cream and watch lifetime. I need a good cry so hopefully something good will be on. Tonight I am taking my daughter to dinner and stop and maybe see a friend. So I am trying to keep busy.

Heres to changing...

Still a douche

LR is still a douche bag. I made the deal with him to bring me oil to heat the house and I would pay his car insurance this month. Figured that would be cheaper for me and it doesn't cost him a thing as he steals it from his company. So he finally showed up last night. I figured great I would get to ask him about the house, bills, and child support and hopefully we could be civil. So he whips in the house like some sort of bad ass and gathers his mail real quick never speaking to me and only telling our daughter hello. He turns getting ready to leave and I said "hay are you leaving? we really need to talk about things blah blah blah." He basically just told me he didnt have time for this bullshit and left in a hurry. So nothing has been resolved he was a a complete asshole and again I got no money or any kind of support from him. I would almost be ok if he got our daughter a coat or something for school or anything at this point. But fucking nothing...he has been gone for months now. How am I suppose to survive and move out? I barely make enough to go day to day now. FUCK! I am so stressed out. The only alternative I have is to file for child support but I am so scared that he will quit his job or totally go off on me. The anger in him last night was just vibrating off of him. I strongly believe he is on drugs.

After LR left last night his mother called me and was basically crying and a complete mess over him. She was telling me a good friend of the family told her that she knows allot of stuff but is unable to tell her because she is his mother and it would destroy her. That confirms it for me that yes he is on drugs and into some kind of bad activity. I did the right thing no matter how hard it is right now. I dont know why this woman is now thinking we are back to being best buds but she was a mess.

Really not sure where to go from here. I promised my daughter I would stay within the school district. I have no where to go anyways and no money. All I can do is file for support and see what he does. I am thinking I will give him until Tuesday to talk to me. Tuesday is my daughters chorus concert and he said he would be there. If he shows I will catch him there and explain what I am about to do. But hopefully I he will man up and call me before then.

Life is so hard. When we are little we cant wait to grow up and when you are grown up you just wish you were little again.

Trust

You see THAT girl, yeah her. She seems so invincible right. but just touch her & she'll flinch.She has secrets & she trusts no one.she's the perfect example of betrayal. cause everyone she trusted, broke her - xanga

I must never drink again

Oh yea you know it. My stupid ass went out Friday night and got so drunk I fucked up and kissed the guy up the street right at the local bar where everyone is now talking about it. I am timing it to see how long it takes to get back to LR. I cant believe I did that. I didnt want to kiss him. If I would have been sober I am sure it would have never happened. However you know how it goes you get drunk and shit happens. So now I am on damage control. Kicking dude up the street to the curb and told him it was not a big deal and that it was nothing. You see he was quick to ask me to dinner yesterday. I am also keeping my ass out of the bar for a awhile and staying at home and just getting packed up and ready for the day to come where I have to move. Ughhh I cant believe I let that happen. I am so embarrassed. How can I talk about LR and then I go and get just stupid drunk where I dont remember everything???? The madness has to stop. I knew I wasnt in the right frame of mind to go out as I was pissed off on Friday. Oh yea E was there...my new partner in crime...she was just as messed up and being talked about.

Ok so Saturday I had to go pick up my daughter from his mother and I ended up having a 2 hour chat with her all about LR and the meeting she had with E. She insist she is a liar and that she never said any of that shit. I just dont know who to believe. So I choose to just hide out and talk to no one. She now knows my side of the story and why I asked LR to leave. I also told her I dont care for her sister (that is who LR is living with) nor do I care for her daughter who is a huge liar. I just dont care what I tell them anymore. I have learned to trust no one.

I got word today that LR is still seeing the skank bartender that he just swore to me on Friday that he hasnt slept with anyone. Well my friend was at the bar yesterday and low and behold LR was dropping her off at the bar...obviously from the night before. He is a mess because just last night he was ringing my phone and then this morning to. I didnt answer either time. How do you do that after you just dropped off your girlfriend. He is sooooo gross. The worst part is that I think I have to see him tonight. He wants to get his mail and bring me heating oil. I pray I get thru this without running my mouth about what I know. Not like I have any room to talk but I went home alone and didnt fuck anyone. So I shouldnt feel guilty.

Ok....just focus...no more drinking....and forget about this weekend.....

Another wonderful morning.

You are suppose to be all happy and cheerful when Friday arrives. However, this morning as I am rushing around getting myself ready and breakfast and lunch ready for my daughter and making sure she is awake and in the shower on time the phone rings.....great! First its my daughters cell and I go over to it (she is in the shower) and I can see that it is my mother in law. Its 6:45 am what in the hell does she want. As soon as it stops ringing my phone ring and its my ass hat of a x-husband. I wasnt going to answer it but I was scared because they both called that something could have happened to someone in the family. NO!!! its just him being him, and on a Friday at that. Ruined my fucking Friday morning. He is saying he wanted to make sure the kid was up and ready for school. My reply "why didnt you call her phone then?". Yea just another excuse. He called back like 2 more times and we did the same old song and dance. Him stating he doesnt want this divorce and me stating he hasnt changed. He hasnt paid a flipping bill in months nor has he given me any money. So where is it all going???? I assume to beer etc. I just cant stand it he says he is worse without me and I tried to tell him he was doing this shit while I was living with him so obviously he needs to do this on his own. He also says he hasnt slept with anyone. I dont believe him he cant live without sex. And he says he doesnt believe me either. Whatever! He has me so stressed out. I hate his calls. They are so dramatic.
Anyway his mother was calling because she wants my daughter to go to this Christmas breakfast thing with the rest of the grandkids. So she is getting her tonight since I have to work in the morning. Maybe I can go to Karaoke tonight with my friends then for a little while. Cant be out late as I have to work early and I dont have any money. As it is I am going to have to bounce a check so I can get a tree. So sad how my life has become. But you have to do what you have to do. My kid will always come first. Fuck her father....

I just feel like shit!

For starters yesterday went pretty well. Nothing really exciting just left early yesterday for our company xmas lunch and then my friend and I went out for a couple beers before heading home to cook dinner, do homework and make cookies with the kid. Then it was off the bed. No phone calls from my jackass of a X or anything like that. But this morning I am just feeling like shit. Not in the sick manner just like shit. Like I just have the blues and I cant figure it out. Maybe its because I looked at my oil tank and realized I will be out of heat soon and we are into December and I know I am going to have to move and I dont have the money or anywhere to go. Its all bothering me. Then the jackass wont talk to me about support or the house and other bills. So "yes" I am freaking out I guess thus causing me to feel like shit today. Oh and I still dont have the results of the test that I took at the doctors last week. Typing this always brings things to light for me.

Lets think of the positive. I do have some xmas shopping done. I have family that I believe loves me even tho they can be fruity at times. I have a beautiful and wonderful daughter. I do have a job and home "TODAY!". I must also still have my looks because this weekend I got called "smokin hot" and then yesterday some guy gave me his business card. That promptly got thrown away. How does a guy expect you to call him when all he does is hand you his card as he sees you are getting ready to leave. And he was at the bar the whole time I was there. I am not calling anyone who does that dumb shit. Shoot I am not calling any man right now. Who needs that bullshit after being married for as long as I have been?

Ok, I am feeling a little better now. Lets hope I can stay this way.

This is such shit

This has just been a shit ass week so far and I am not even half way thru it. Ok on Monday I meet LR's mother to pick up my daughter then I was headed to the mall to get her a new winter coat and outfit for her chorus concert. On the way to mall she informs me that while she stayed with my whacko of a sister in law on Saturday night that she, my niece, nephew and new born niece were all left alone while she and her man of the week went out for the evening. Now I know what you are thinking. My niece is 13 and my daughter is 12. However i dont leave her alone at night and I dont live on top of a mountain with no neighbors let alone with a newborn baby and some bad ass cousins. So I was not pleased or amused at all. Let alone if I was to leave my kid alone while I went out drinking they would run the fucking mouths about me. Then I find out that LR never did come visit her or call her once while she was with his family. He isnt exactly working on father of the year with me. It was a damn holiday weekend come on now.

Skip ahead to yesterday. I get a message from E stating that some guy called her company (ok this is were LR use to work and E is the one he had a affair with and now her and I are talking) looking for him and she stated she gave him my number so that he could get in contact with LR. She said it could be a job offer as he is with a competitor and use to work with LR on joint jobs. So I did, I passed the message by calling LR and I was pleasant and he called me back stating sure enough that this guy wanted a resume sent to him could I do him this favor since I have his resume on my computer. I did it for several reasons. One being the job he has could be ending soon and two this could mean more money for him which could mean he could help me out some more. Plus this could be what he needs to make him better. Then I got to thinking. LR is the type once I start being nice he takes it to mean more than that. Sure enough at 9:30 he calls last night stating he was thinking of me and he misses me blah blah blah. It turns into a discussion that he doesnt like and states that I havent had my child on the weekends since he has been gone. Which is bullshit. I turn it on him stating well you havent even seen your child since you have been gone. He procedes to tell me he isnt going to see her again and he feels he is a embarassment to her. Thats really fucking mature. I am sooo pissed that I cant believe I am married to his idiot. He thinks I am fucking someone. Which we all know I am not. I need to fix me before I drag someone else into my hell. I know he has so why is he on my ass and bringing that shit up. He hung up on me but before he did he started the whole suicide talk stating he cant do this and live like this anymore and that I will read about him in the paper. GREAT just what I need. I hate him for doing that to me. He knows my father did that and at the holidays. He knows how to get to me. I hate now that I am living in hear of that dreaded phone call I may receive. And I will blame myself because I am doing nothing.

Weekend Recap

I am really not sure how I am feeling this morning. This weekend was either what I needed or I am just in a holiday funk. What I am going thru is just really weird. I dont know how to feel anymore.

Where do I begin. On Friday after work I did go out with the other woman whom I am now referring to as E. We went to the local bar with her roommate A whom is also LR's x-stepsister. So I was already walking on shaky ground. Oh...also E's brothers where there as well. I knew them from LR working with them all. I decided to just go with it and just party on. I wanted to go to see that band I was talking about my cold was kinda keeping me down and I wanted to stay local in case I really started feeling worse I could just bail and go the hell home. We ended up closing the bar down and then going to E and A's house to continue on. During this time LR is calling me but I am not answering. He left a message saying we needed to talk. Sometime while I was in the bathroom I tried to call him. Something I wouldnt have done if I was sober. Luckily he didnt answer. I still have not spoken to him but A did call him and he did answer. So now he knows I was with them. Fucking great....he will use that one against me later. I didnt end up getting home until 5:30 am. I have decided hanging out with them is just not healthy. E is a slut ....duh like I didnt fucking realize that she did sleep with my husband. No wonder he went with her she is a drinker who gives it up easily. Not my problem tho right? Really tho she slept with this dork of a guy that night that she just met. Ewwwhhhh. And he was fucking ugly and dorky as hell.

Once I was home I got a few hours of sleep and started thinking about my child coming home and us getting the holiday decorations up. However she never has come home yet. She is still with LR's family. There is no school today so she decided she wanted to stay. Ughhh. I never did leave the house until this morning. I just sat and had time to reflect on how fucked up my life has become. And how I can fix it? how can I move on? how am I getting money? where am I going to live? will I get child support without a fight? what is going to happen to LR? and damn it I really dont have any good friends. Being married to LR it seems that I gave up all my friends. So I am really alone. This weekend just really bought everything to light.

Going thru a divorce is really life changing. Especially when I am losing so much and my credit is shot to shit and I have no money. I resolved nothing this weekend but I learned I have allot to think about.

I hate the holidays. This is the time of year my I lost my parents. Not at the same time. My mom just about 5 years before my dad. For those of you who dont know my mother was killed in a car accident when I was 17 and my father committed suicide on Christmas eve when I was 23. My grandfather also died in December just last year. So me going thru this shit with LR and now the holidays approaching I think I really need to get my shit together and start just putting my all into getting my act together and start packing and doing allot of kid oriented things to get my mind off all the bullshit in my life. Maybe I did need this weekend alone. :)

Post Holiday Ramble

Well the turkey day is over and I have been at work for a hour now. I had to come in at 6:00 am this morning. I am lucky because I stayed last night with my family so my daughter didnt have to be by herself today. It's also convenient for my LR's mother to pick her up since she lives about 5 miles from them. I should be ignorant and hurry back after work then take her all the way home so she has to drive a 1/2 hour to get her. I believe to much in karma to do that shit though.

Lets see how did yesterday go? First off I was up at 6:30 with this damn cold that doesnt seem to be going away. So I figured I would go ahead and finish making the couple of things I was suppose to bring for dinner. Talked to my Aunt for a little bit on the phone and then headed to the shower. LR called and said he wanted to wish me a happy holiday. Barf!!! I politely asked him if he was going to his sisters (they do every year) he said "no" he told me he didnt want to answer any questions or deal with them. What the fuck??? I asked him what questions would be asked we havent been together in a couple months and he has been out of the house for 1 month now. So what else could be asked? He simply told me that he wasnt dealing with it or taking there calls. I guess he wanted me to feel sorry for him, that isnt going to happen anymore. I know to much now of all the shit he has pulled on me and how much of a dog he really is. He did speak to our daughter and tell her a Happy Thanksgiving. I am wondering how long he is going to go before he takes and does anything with her. Even just to take her to dinner. Men are such scum when it comes to separation and divorces. I guess it was a good thing when we were together that I basically did it all when it came to her and everything with the house. Because since he has been gone nothing has really changed except the arguing and seeing him trashed etc. Its just calmer. I feel for my daughter though. However she hasnt asked to see him either. They say you marry men that remind you of your father and I think I have done just that. Fuck!!! I really did marry my father.

Once I got to my aunt and uncles for dinner my cousins who are 21 and 24 were drinking and already about half shit faced. (isnt family great?) The one ended up passed out by 4:00 pm. Then one of my aunts got in my face. This is the aunt who ran into LR's mom and now on her side. She said how can she be lying when she was crying right in the middle of Walmart. She told me that the "other woman" is lying to me and that LR's mom went to see her to tell her to stay away from him etc. First of all if that is true how come his mother hasnt called me and told me this all isnt true. And what does the "other woman" have to gain by lying to me? I went to her and she had another man when LR went and tried to get back with her. You have to read my earlier post to get the whole story. Point is I dont believe LR's mom. So turkey day was something else.

I am hoping after work I can go home take some Nyquil and then sleep and wake up and be all better. I know that is just a dream but I really want to go out and see this band tonight and just have fun. I sooooo need it. Then the rest of the weekend will be a kid weekend and decorating for Christmas. I need to find a man to help me get the tree. Guess LR was good for something besides sex. (speaking of....damn I miss sex...sigh)

Oh well I need to change that subject before I head out tonight and do something I will regret. I really dont need all that drama in my life. Its already fucked up enough. Ok time to get back to work. I hope everyone had a great holiday.

Thanksgiving Bouquet

I am still sick as hell and praying I am better by the weekend. Last night after work I stopped at the store and picked up the items I am suppose to bring for the big day. I was dying the entire time. But I made it. Of course once I got home I had to make dinner and straighten up a bit. When I was finally settled and praying for the couch and my blanket another knock at the door came. So I go to answer it and what do I see but the dude up the streets little nephew. He hands me the bouquet of flowers and says who they are from and then runs off my porch. It was the funniest damn thing I have ever seen. He was so cute. You could tell he was nervous. Now I am just not sure what to think of this. I am suppose to go out with him and a few other from the bar this Saturday. I didnt think anything of it, really, I just thought OK a bunch of friends all hanging out. Now I am wondering. Come to find out I cant go this Saturday as I am sure I will have my daughter. LR's mother actually called yesterday and asked my daughter to come spend Friday night with her. So that will be my night out as I will be getting my kid back Saturday afternoon. She kinda ticks me off. Waits months to call and then because its a holiday she wants her. But I wont have to deal with her much longer since they are moving. I have vented enough about that fucked up family. I just put up with their shit for my daughters sake. I really wanted to take that phone and tell her what the fuck I thought of her. Its the holiday season so I am being nice and not saying anything. "If you dont have anything nice to say dont say anything at all" thats the motto unless I am blogging to you all or I just cant stand it anymore.

So lets all pray tomorrow goes smoothly for us all. Peace and Happy Thanksgiving

More doctors

This morning started out like total shit. I woke at 2:30 am with my throat killing me and I couldnt go back to sleep. I didnt go right into work as I had a scheduled doctors appointment at 9:00 am for a colposcopy (not sure if that is spelled right) . So my daughter woke up and as her and I are getting ready (her for school me for my appt) the phone rings. It's LR....fucking great just what I need I feel like shit, I am not looking forward to this appointment and now him. He just called to say he missed his family etc. What the fuck. Dude you just told me a week ago that his daughter and I need to leave him alone and that he is done with us etc. I told him that I am done fighting with him and that we need to settle the house and other bills and just move on to our seperate ways. He says he knows and when we he went to hang up he told me he loved me. I just sighed and hung up. He is a damn mess. Oh and he spoke to our daughter for like 2 minutes. Whooo hooo.

On to the colposcopy. I had a bad pap smear come back so they had to take chunks out of my cervix to check for cancer. Those of you who have had this procedure know that IT FUCKING HURTS AND IT SUCKS BIG TIME. I am still in pain. They warn you of this. It already sucks that your feet are in the air spread wide open in a doctors face then it has to hurt on top of all that. The good news is I now have to go back every 6 months instead of once a year. Cervical cancer runs in my family so its great that this is passed to me in my early 30's. Story of my life.

Just another lovely week for me. I am sicker than hell my nose is running down my face. I cant breathe and my chest and throat really hurt. I cant wait to run home and climb back in bed....oh shit wait....there is homework to be done, dinner to be made and then dishes...ahhh the joys of being a single parent and the only responsible party my child now has. That fucker I married I could just kill some days.

Its been awhile.

Its been a few days since my last post. So I am trying to figure out what in the hell has happened since then. First off since I last spoke with LR on Wednesday and he said for us to leave him alone and he is getting out of mine and my daughters life we have not heard a damn word from him. That really pisses me off since he is that immature. I feel really sorry for my daughter. I of course did not tell her that her father has said that. I figure let her think he is just busy. So no news on him. Its been kinda nice to tell you the truth. It is raining here and he doesnt work in the rain so I am wondering if he has stopped by the house knowing we are not home. Ugghhh. Snooping and stealing soap again. LMAO

The visitor that stopped by my house hasnt been back and I didnt see him while I was out this Saturday. I kinda thought I would. But he didnt come in. However I did see his brother there and he also seems interested in me. Not sure if that will ever go anywhere he is nice and all but I am just not sure. I was able to get out because my daughter wanted to go stay at my uncles and play on the Internet and chat with her friends. However if LR knows I went out I would just be accused of dumping her so I could party. What he doesnt know is I was trying to talk her out of it because I did go to work and didnt really have any plans. But she really wanted to go. Never mind that he hasnt gotten her or done anything with her in months. He has allot of room to talk. So I stopped at the bar to sign the books and ended up staying out until 1:30 am. There was a bunch of people in there. Even my daughter little boyfriends Mom who is awesome and we get along great. So we chatted about the kids and had a few drinks and shot darts. Ended up having a great time with everyone.

So its the holiday season and work is crazy and its time to spend with family and the usual BS that comes with that. I will be of course going to my families for Thanksgiving and I am hoping LR's family doesnt start any bullshit. I am wishing for quiet and happy holiday. We all deserve it.

Man I am realizing since I havent talked to LR I really dont have a whole lot of bitching to do any more. This is kinda nice. So this is what a regular life is like. Ahhhh

About last night

After the ordeal I had yesterday when I got home I had a very interesting visitor stop by. While I was in the kitchen making dinner my daughter comes running and says there is someone knocking on the window by the front door. So I tell her to just stay in the kitchen with me. Sometimes the boys in the neighborhood do that to get her attention. The knock occured again. No ones knocks on front door that really knows us they come to the back kitchen door. So I go to the door and low and behold its a guy whose mom and dad live up the street just a few house and that I have seen out and about. LR and I actually partied with him and his girlfriend about 6 months ago. So I went out and talked to him. He seemed really akward. I waited to see what he wanted, he starts out by saying he heard LR and I were having issues and he hasnt seen him around. I said yes that it the same old shit just a different day. He explains that him and his girlfriend also busted up a few months back. He asks if I think its truly over for LR and I. I explained yes that I think there is just to much water under this bridge. We talked awhile more. He then ask me if I want to go out sometime. I just about fell over. This happened last time to. When LR and I split the time before this one of his co-workers stopped by and asked me out just a couple weeks after we split up. I said no to that one, a co-worker that is weird. I just cant believe men. Its that or LR really has no friends. Because in my eyes that takes big balls.

So tell me, all who are reading this should I go out on a date with this guy???? He is good looking. Has his own place and of course a job. He has two kids a boy (10) and girl (5) they live with mom. I have already met his boy he is a good kid. Also this guy doesnt really drink so that is a plus. He is a good dad from what I have seen. I am just not sure. I left it open with him.

Leave your comments please.

OMG! My crazy F'in life continue

Lets see where do I start. Okay.....last night I left work and went home to do the usual routine. Dinner, help kid with home work, straighten up, and did a load of clothes. I then proceeded to the kitchen and was working on trying to fix my cell phone. Mine decided the face of it just wanted to go black. So I am taking out the sim card and turning off and on the phone. When at the kitchen door LR just walks right the fuck in. No knock, no phone call, no nothing. So I automatically start bitchin. You see when I moved out the last time I never once did that. Matter of fact I didnt even come to the house until after his accident and then he couldnt drive to meet at the park and ride where we met to exchange our daughter. He says he stills has his name on the house etc. So the F what! He could have still knocked. So we argued, he got pissed again when I asked for the cell phone back. He has a work phone not like I left him high and dry. I am not paying for his social life. It got thrown at my neck. Ass hat!!!! But I got the phone back. He then went looking thru the fridge and the bathroom. I couldnt understand until this morning when I went to take a shower. The god damn bar of soap was missing. WTF right? Why would he take the soap. So I had to get out of the shower and get another bar. I hate that shit. The one he took was almost brand new. He slammed the door leaving last night and called me a skank. Whatever. Because I am getting out and screwed so much lately. I wish....

Ok today's drama. First off while apologizing to my daughter about the fight last night between her father and myself she asks me if I knew her Dad had gotten drunk in a bar and beat up. I said "yes how do you know" She tells me the kids in school know from there parents and now they are teasing her about it. Great, small town living. So I get a call at lunch time from LR's mother first. She left a message asking about a present for our daughter for Christmas. I tried to call her back she didnt answer, I answered her question and hung up. Then LR calls and leaves a message about me, my cousin and his X. The one I went out with on Halloween. So I call him back. Come to find out my aunt saw his mother and told her that yea we had all gone out. What the fuck was she thinking????why tell my business she knows I have issues with his mother. Then we get back into a argument about the same old stuff Then I tell him what our daughter told me this morning. His response to me was "well if you are going to treat me like shit and be a bitch and she is embarrassed of me you can both just stay the hell out of my life" and he hung up. Real mature right? I try to call him back he answers and told me its a work number and never to call back. So I sent a text message and told him our daughter did not ask for this and that if he decides not to talk to her that is on him. I havent heard a word since.

This bullshit is just never ending and the people who are jumping into this shit just need to stop it because they are just making it worse. Now I have to sit and wonder if he will get drunk and do something to himself. Because that is how he is. I should have never told him what my daughter told me but he had me so flippin mad that I had to make a point that his actions affect not just him. This just sucks. I hate the drama and just want a fresh start some where else.

Until tonight crusade. Man I hope its quiet. However it wont be because I am not done with my aunt yet.

I Am Such A Bitch Lately

I know I have been a complete and total bitch towards LR and a few others the past couple days but I cant imagine why....Hhhhmmmm. He was even stupid enough to send me a texts and ask me if I was having a bad day and why am I treating him like this. He is so fucking stupid. He is the only person who has caused this. I simply kept coming back because I believed in him and wanted my family back. I admit I was stupid but still this boils down to him. Then you top it off with him and his family not seeing my daughter. Then I really become the bitch. Here we are at the holidays and I cant wait to see what happens then. You can bet your ass I am not answering the phone or any message from any of them.
I could also be feeling on edge and bitch because damn it I havent had sex in a looonnnnng time. I really need a good romp in the hay with a guy who doesnt speak. LOL.
The hate I have is because I have to be the responsible one while he is kid free and partying it up and NOT paying bills, homework, meals and taking the kid to school events. I hate that he can be the single male with no responsibilities. He hasnt paid any bills for real. So I am waiting on notices to start rolling in. It wont be long and I will be in social services for child support. Not sure how long that will last though. I am sure he is on the verge on losing his job. Yes ladies and gentleman I married a fucking loser. The best part is he keeps asking me to help him and take him back. Like he is a homeless dog. Im sorry he needs to get himself help for all the drinking and womanizing he does. The woman come because of the drinking.
Last night I didnt answer his calls and this morning I didnt answer his text message that had animation of a cartoon character blowing kisses and saying "good morning my family" what family is that? you fucking douche?????
The only good that came out of this is my beautiful smart daughter. God how I love her and am happy she is doing so well. She knows her father is a drunk.

I married a complete douche!!

On Friday I got a text message from my lovely husband asking me what he had to do for us to get back together. I replied that before I even consider it there would need to be major counseling and 30 days of rehab. I of course didnt hear anything again until this morning. You know he had to party all weekend. Duh!! This morning text message was telling me good morning and that he loved me. I kept after him with just mean messages. He never saw he daughter or called her until yesterday. They spoke for literally 2 minutes. So know quality time there at all. He is just such a fucking douche bag. I just dont understand how you can go months without spending any real time with your only child. His mother hasnt called her either. Fuck all of them.
Yes I have much hatred in me. Also because I have gone a long time with no sex or affection.
This Saturday night my daughter spent with my step-mother and so I headed out only to be gone 2 hours. No one was out that night. Now watch everyone will be out this weekend and I wont be able to go out. Just my shitty luck lately. And I missed the reunion. It was this past Friday and I thought it was this Friday. Again my shitty luck. So I wont get to see that guy I was previously talking about.
I did get some Christmas shopping done after work on Saturday so at least some of it is done. I am only buying for my daughter as I am flat broke. Still dont know how I can afford to move. LR come to find out hasnt paid the mortgage for Oct or Nov and here it is almost December. He is drinking his money away. The bike payment and insurance wasnt paid either. What a FUCKING LOSER.
The rest of my weekend was ok other than my daughters mouth. I am going easy on her as I know this has to be getting to her. I know how I felt when my father never came around for months. I hate that she is going thru this and karma is a bitch so he will get his. You would have thought he would learn.
Oh well. Here is to another wonderful week.....:)

Way to much time at the doctors!!!!

Yesterday I had scheduled the day off to take my daughter to the dentist. Figured I would just take the whole day and chill out the remainder of it as I have been putting in six days a week at work. Well it was a good thing I did. My daughter has been having problems with her leg so in the morning I called to see if the family doctor could also see her and luckily they could. So off we went at 10:30 in the morning. First one scheduled was the dentist, wouldnt you know it they were running behind. Spent 1 1/2 hours there. For a cleaning. We had a hour or so to wait until the next appointment. All our doctors are 30 minutes from our house as we live in the boonies. So we shop around for a couple things we need. At the family doctors they were on time, however, we get sent to a off campus for x-rays. Several hours were spent between those two things. Final time we made it home 6:00pm. I was exhausted. But at least all of that is done. I should hear in a couple days the results of the x-days. That will determine what to do next as they dont know where or why she is having pain. There was no accident that she is telling me about. As for LR he knows nothing as he hasnt called or seen her. Wait I take that back the fucker bought her lunch on Saturday while I was at work and dropped it off to her. Spent a total of 20 minutes. What a great father. So I figured fuck him he obviously doesnt want to know how or what she is up to.

More about my daughter...I think she is really resenting LR for all of this. She has made several comments about him in a very smart manner. I dont talk about him to her and I dont acknowledge the comments as I feel she needs to make her own determinations about him. So far she is determining correctly.

On the way to the doctors we saw his vehicle parked on the side of the bar where the girl he has been seeing. So I dont know if she had taken him home the night before of what. But I hate knowing he is still a bar slut and spening way to much money. Meanwhile I am counting every penny so I can go to the store and still pay the co-pay to the doctors yesterday. I hate him in so many ways. I asked for the phone back and he still never bought that back to me. I cant shut it off because of the fee. The funny part is yesterday when I sent him a text asking for the phone again. He was saying he misses me and knows he has fucked up. However he is doing nothing to fix it. I will always have a place in my heart for the jackass but I fucking hate him all in the same breath. I will have to give up my home, I have ruined my credit and I will be living in a dump just to make it now. So yes, I fucking hate him for making it come to this.

On a lighter note. I received a email from the reunuion committe of my high school and they are having a happy hour next friday. So I called a old guy friend whom I have kept in touch with him over the years and I know his wife. ( I dont care for her, I know her from high school ) I asked if they were going to the happy hour and get this him and his wife are going thru the exact same thing all most except in reverse. Its her fault as she is cheating on him and he hasnt moved out yet. He watches there kids as she works nights. So if he leaves or she leaves they need a sitter. I have always had a thing sorta for him. Kinda like you wonder "what if". We were "going out" in high school. Never slept together but was just the old boyfriend/girlfriend thing. There was always allot in common and just always got along thru the years. I knew his first wife and of course now his second one. Just always stayed in touched off and on over the years. We just always stayed friends. So we chated for about a half hour and I am suppose to call him later when I get off work he really needs someone to vent to. His parents have passed as well and doesnt have allot of family. Seeing him next Friday should be good. He was best friends with LR in high school for awhile but he knows what kind of asshole he is. Crazy how shit works out.

I cant believe I let him do this to me.

Its Saturday morning and again I have let LR make me question myself. I think I am usually a strong person and usually dont take shit from anyone and dont care what others think of me. However last night my daughter ask to go to the football game with her boyfriend and his family. How could I say no? She gets straight A's they were going to be supervised and I was dropping her off and picking her up from the school at 9pm. I already know his Mom and I made sure she was going to be there. So I thought sure, you can go. LR calls and then gives me shit because I wasnt going to go all the way back home and be by myself so I stopped at the bar and had A beer. Because I knew I was driving my daughter home. So he thinks again I dumped her off to go to a bar. I know I did nothing wrong but I HATE that I feel I have to explain myself to him. I basically told him to quit trying to play the good parent when for months he hasnt spent 15 minutes with her. Literally!!!! So FUCK him and the horse he rode in on. I just hate this. Then he actually sent her a text at 9:30 and wanted to know if I got her home safe. Like I am the drunk. Again Fuck him.
So I wonder if he will think the same thing tonight when she goes to her friends Halloween party tonight. I guess I will have dumped her there to. She is 12 so of course she is starting to have a social life. And who is doing all the driving and staying home and not partying all weekend like he is. ME and where is he? Who the hell knows. I did do some checking and did a drive by he is living with his drug addict aunt. Ewhhh. But I am the bad person. A drunk has to blame someone. I also see he is continuing to text and call this Dawn woman. The big fat ugly bartender. So I am taking the phone back today as well. To bad for him. I am not paying for him to call other woman and make it easy on him. This could be the beginning of war. Oh well right?

Another day in paradise.

So I was awoken today but a my phone going off stating I had a text message. 5:30am by none other than LR. Stating his misses his family and so on. I stuck to my guns stating the same things that I am not buying it and he always does this. He will destroy us and then want to make crap right. I just cant do it anymore. Once he figured that out he went off. Stating I left our daughter with my aunt and uncle all weekend and partied and that i am a hypocrite for getting mad because he does it. He obviously took her text message on Sunday to mean that she was still with them. Then he stated that this is all my doing and he is taking no blame that I just wanted him gone. I am so sick of his shit. I just hung up on him. I called him to say that he needs to quit text messaging her and actually speak to her and maybe he would get the story straight. She is 12 and bound not to tell the whole story of her weekend over a damn message on a phone. He still believes her and I dont care because even if I did it doesnt compare to the shit he has pulled since I have been back with him. I just want to look him in the face and yell "FUCK YOU!"
I am just ready for a vacation. My child has been so wonderful and I love her sooo much she is what is getting me thru all of this. What a blessing.

Allot has happened....many changes to come.

I must start out by saying sorry that I havent posted anything lately but allot has happened. To start with LR has moved out of the house. That is pretty major. I do not know where he moved to or how he is doing as we have not spoken since Halloween. It started that morning when I informed him our daughter was going to stay with my aunt and uncle for the evening while I went out. I figured he wouldnt watch her as he runs every Friday, Saturday and Sunday. Plus I just didnt want to leave him with her due to the drinking. I guess that really ticked him off. He asked how could I do this to him etc. DO WHAT??? This was the first time I was going out on the town since we split. He has been out a million times. I guess the old saying is right "Whats good for the goose isnt always good for the gander"

So I went out and had a really good time. Got a hotel run so I didnt have to drive. My cousin was suppose to split it with me but he hooked up with my friend S again. So I was alone but that was cool. We meet up with "the other woman" that night to. She ended up hating the guy she had just broken up with...you know the one LR caused. She hated on that guy because he tried to get with me that night. HA HA HA kinda ironic right. But I aint having nothing to do with him. Not my type.

The rest of the weekend was quiet. I stayed in. My daughter went with her little boyfriend and his mother to a parade Sat night and to her friends Monday night for a little while to play. So I have had some time to just kick it around the house and chill.

Now comes the time when I have to figure out. WHAT IN THE HELL AM I GOING TO DO? I cant afford the house and yet I cant afford to move out either. I am behind on bills and cant save a dime due to the other household expenses. I dont know if LR is going to give me any money and here comes the holidays. Damn the stress is incredible. The not knowing. My aunt keeps after to just go rent a room somewhere. But I have a daughter and I dont want to move in with some strangers. Yes she did it but times I think were different then. I just dont know. I think by it will be months before I am foreclosed on so there is a part of me that says fuck it! ride is out and see what happens. At least the holidays will be passed us by then and my daughter will have normalcy for a little while. I think I need a counselor or advisor to steer me thru this.
My biggest fear is LR winding up in jail or dead somewhere and god damn I dont want that. He may be a big ass hole but I dont wish anything on him.

Please leave comments if you have any words of wisdom. I sure could use them.

I am so sick of drama

Well I never did get to go out this weekend as I hoped I would. I did get out for just a few Friday night while I waited for my daughter to get home from the movies. It was pretty much typical I was approached by someone (a guy) who knows LR and myself and stated that LR is blaming me etc. for all of this, however, this guy did state he knows this is crap because he also sees how he is and how is is with other woman. At least I now know I am not crazy. While I was broke this weekend and doing things with our daughter. The stupid asshat I am married to was out partying and spent $327.00 in booze this weekend. I am also thinking he is back on cocaine. He has dropped a awful lot of weight in these 7 weeks.

It really pisses me off that I go broke doing things with our daughter and making sure she has what she needs and he is off partying it up and wasting money like that. Mean while at the end of this week we will be behind 2 months in mortgage. He didn't come home again this Saturday night and when I came back from the store and my families on Sunday he was already passed out cold and it was 6:45pm. So obviously he drank the whole time. I hate my daughter seeing that shit.

I approached him last night and just told him everything I was thinking. Told him to go ahead and just move out. He is more of a pain in my ass and doesnt contribute a fucking thing to the house or to our daughter. I asked him to remember when was the last time he spent even 15 minutes with our daughter and really did anything with her. I honestly cant remember. I also told him all about how I felt about his piece of shit family. He couldnt really say anything as he knew I was right. So I am hoping he is working on finding a place to move to.

I am taking a deep breath and wishing for my prayers to be answered. One good thing is coming my way and I have gathered up a group of people to go out on Halloween and I cant wait. Getting a hotel so no one is drinking and driving. Damn!!! you can drink responsibly. See LR. And I dont do it all the time so I can go out with a clear conscious and have a good time. Lets hope these plans dont get screwed up cause I really need to let off some steam. Oh and the other woman and I might meet up that night to for drinks again. ha ha out of this I may have gained a friend.

Nothing new really

Not a whole lot has changed since my last post. LR is still pissed and is a bear to be around. (when he is there) For instance last night he went out drinking and came home around 9:30 pm and proceeded to send me text messages. They started out asking me out for a date. When I shot him down they turned nasty. Saying things like "you make me sick", "leave me alone", and "I hope your friend gets hit by a truck". I am still wondering what friend he was talking about. When the nasty ones started I never responded to him. Yet they kept on coming. They finally stopped close to 11:00 pm. So I am tired once again.

I am praying for a nice weekend. By babysitter fell thru for Saturday. That is bummer because I really needed a night out. I think I will be able to go out for happy hour tonight and catch up with some friends. I wont be able to stay out as my daughter will be just spending a couple hours at a friends b-day party. And I of course have to work OT tomorrow morning. Someone has to.

Just keep your fingers crossed that no drama this weekend. Geesh...what am I talking about this is my life. Duh of course there will be drama until I move out. Someone smack me if I ever go back again.

So he is hurt and pissed now

So today LR is pretty ticked off. After we slept together I guess he figured everything was back to normal and the fued would be over. I am not sure why he thought that when I told him before we did it that nothing was going to change. last night he was doing dishes and being all lovey. But I havent received a apology and even been sat down and said ok this is what is going to change this time. Come on now I just dont understand him. This morning he got up didnt say a word to me and just stormed out of the house. He sent me a text message saying he is now sorry for sleeping with me and figures he is just to late this time. Also making it seem like I have some one else. Hell know I dont have anyone. He has made it so I trust no one. I am not dragging some one else into this hell of a life I have. I need to work on myself first and get moved out etc.

This is just so fucked up.

Big mistake I made

The weekend oh were to begin. Friday I had the day off of work and was able to get allot accomplished. Friday evening LR decided to stay home and I guess try and prove a point to me. Saturday morning I had to work. When I came home I realised he had gone thru my stuff and found a card that goes with roses from a guy I was seeing when we were separated. I didnt mean to keep that and thought I had gotten rid of everything when I moved back. But whatever he knew it was from when we werent together. LR then went out that evening and after snooping around I found out that he was with one of the woman I have heard about. Sunday morning he comes upstairs and brings me breakfast in bed. This guy is just to much right? He tells me he isnt sleeping with this girl that she is to fat and they are just friends. She is fat. But I dont believe him. So I head out with my daughter to my aunt and uncles to watch the race and football games. He calls and wants to buy us dinner and watch the game with us. When I do get home there is only a inning left in the game and like $50.00 worth of take out. So duh I am going to eat it. His is a great charmer.

This is where I make the mistake. I fell asleep on his bed watching the game. So this morning he starts fooling around with me, I will admit it was nice and I miss it, I miss the sex and affection. I tell him ok but this isnt going to change it. So we did, we had great sex. Here lies the problem. He has been texting me and acting like we are all better again. So I finally replied that I dont think what we did was a good idea. Obviously. I don't want my heart broke yet again. The is not allot left of me to destroy. He doesn't seem to happy now. What he has to realize is he caused this.

Ah what a way to start a week.

Jo Dee Messina's "Bring on the rain"

"Another day has almost come and gone Cant imagine what else could wrong Sometimes Id like to hide away somewhere and lock the door A single battle lost but not the war (cause) Tomorrows another day And Im thirsty anyway So bring on the rain Its almost like the hard times circle round A couple drops and they all start coming down Yeah, I might feel defeated, I might hang my head I might be barely breathing - but Im not dead Tomorrows another day And Im thirsty anyway So bring on the rain Im not gonna let it get me down Im not gonna cry And Im not gonna lose any sleep tonight"


Jo Dee Messina's "Bring on the rain"

Ever feel like your life has been a joke?

On Monday I received a text message from whom I am calling the other woman, asking me if I still wanted to meet for drinks. This is the woman whom LR went in to the bar searching out about a month and a half ago. The one I have been texting back and forth. The one he says is lying and he never asked her to be back with him. So I reply sure. I knew LR was home and was trying to play good parent after he never came home on Saturday night or has he spent any time with our daughter etc. So when I got there dinner was completed and homework was started. So I replied to her sure what the hell. So I get ready and LR of course has to ask were I was going etc. (side bar I never ask him or call him once he out) So I tell him and the look on his face was price less. He says they are just going to fill your head with shit. You see his step sister is friends with the other woman and is the bartender in there as well. I arrive to the bar and of course we hit it off by rehashing the past couple years with correcting all the lies he has told each of us. I also learned that not only did my sister in law meet with her a couple weeks ago but also my mother in law. Both asking her if she would go back with him. Now isnt she fucking lovely. She and I were really close she said I was a daughter to her and we partied all the time even when LR and I werent together we still hung out and did tons of stuff. She was like a best friend. Also why would she fucking do that to my daughter. Why not work on her son and keeping her granddaughters family together? I was at a loss. The other woman told me tons of stuff that just buried LR even more.

As I am sitting there talkind to her LR is texting me and I am just cracking up. Telling me I should be home its a work night etc. Like me going out one time makes me a horrible Mom. Never mind he stays out until 3:30am or never comes home. What a loser.

I asked him to move out yesterday morning. However he says he cant and wont. So I am stuck there with him for awhile. Great. Last night he actually asked me to go on a cruise or trip with him. He got some offer for free tickets. I just laughed at him and told him to take whomever he is doing now. How can he ask me that after he knows I know everything now. Oh thats right he still denies he has ever did anything wrong. That the three people who told me things about him and do not know each other are all lying on him. I asked him why would they lie and he said he cant seem to figure that out. So I ask him where was he then Saturday night and he wont tell me. That to me is admitting guilt.

I hate him at this point. And just want him out!!!!

You might as well put me in the psycho ward

I just confronted LR about Saturday night and not coming home and hearing he was with another woman and about the third person telling me she knew he was cheating on me and didnt know how to tell me. He says it all not true and that he has been true to me and that I just listen to what I want to hear. Man everyone must be against him. The funny thing is none of these people know each other. So how can they all be out to get him. But all he does is repeat that he hasnt done anything. PLEASE SOMEONE COMMIT ME NOW BECAUSE I AM NUTTS.

The rest of the weekend story

The rest of my Saturday really did not go as I planned it. I returned home after work to find LR was already gone and off on the Harley. Not a big deal as I expected that. Little side bar "the other woman" already heard about LR's fight as she text ed me in the early afternoon. Word spreads pretty quick. So I got a shower and wanted to head to the bar where this fight occurred to get the real story. The story goes that LR in his drunken stupidity grabbed this guy by his shirt and asked him "what the fuck are you looking at" I guess this guy didn't appreciate it and laid him out. Kinda funny in way as I am sure he deserved it.

After getting the story and letting some of the people I have become close with know my side of what has been going on and why I left LR I took off to go to my Uncles party. Well I guess I got there a little to late as they all stared partying at 2:00pm and its not 6:30pm and they are finished and trashed. So I head home and am there by 8:30pm. What a night huh?

While I am out I am hearing from my close friend, the one I was suppose to catch up with while they were doing a bike run. That LR has been with them all day and is crying to her that he hasnt done anything and wants us to work out blah blah blah. So my friend, I will call her T, has been telling him basically everything I have been telling him and she believed she was getting thru to him. However he slips away from them about 8:00pm. She calls me Sunday morning and asked if he made it home. He didn't. So she called his Mom to see if he stayed there or his sisters. He didn't. So she called his phone and he answered and she asked were are you? and his reply is the standard answer he always gives me "I am around". To me that makes you guilty as charged. What has me upset is not that he is with someone, that is typical. But the fact that he is telling people and crying to them and then you go and do this. That pisses me off. He never did come home until 7:30 last night. I ran upstairs as I knew my mouth would just run.

I just want him to get out and let me start a new chapter in my life. I know that will never happen.

And there was blood every where.

It wouldnt be a Friday night if LR didnt go to the bar and do something stupid. Lets start from the beginning I go home and my daughter is making plans with her friends to go to the movies and dinner. She made straight A's and I am very proud so did her girlfriend so they got to do something fun. After she left I headed to the bar to sign the books and get a beer. LR came in right behind me, this was not a problem as we are getting along. I leave after just 2 hours and was home by 8. I had to work today. At about quarter to 12 LR calls all upset and tells me to come outside. So I run down stairs and go to the door and he is covered in blood. He said he was jumped and doesnt know who did it. After calling my bartender friend at the bar I learn once again he lied. He went up to someone and asked him "what the fuck are you looking at" this guy pushed him and LR fell into the edge of the bar breaking his nose. Hence the blood everywhere.
I ask myself when will he stop lying? He said the bartender was lying and that isnt what happened. Yea right! In the end he blamed this on me and said "if we were still together I would have been home with you" Uh, I dont think so that is why we are not together because he runs to bars all the time and isnt home with me.

Let me also state that I talked to a very dear friend of mine and LR's family that I havent spoken to in months and didnt know we were separated. She confided in me that she has known he has been cheating on me but couldnt find a way to tell me. She has nothing to do with the other woman or has really been around. So this must have happened a good few months ago. So I was reassured that I am doing the right thing here. I still hurts to know that. But deep down I already knew. He wont change. I said something to him about this and he said "no I havent cheated on you since you came back. My response "OK Bill Clinton" Why would all of these people be out to lie on him.

Whoooo HOooo like I said in my previous post I am kid free today and after last night I am going to have myself a good time. I dont do this all the time so please dont think I am a hypocrite. You can see by my post I dont do this often. But damn it today I am going to do it right. I need it. Blog about it later!!!!

Can't Wait!

Whoo Hooo I found a sitter for Saturday. Now I can't wait. Finally get to have some adult fun and let my hair down and forget about my shit life for awhile. I do have to work Saturday morning but by the time I get home my daughter should be gone. She is staying with my step-mom. I didnt even have to ask if she could watch her she called me. So that is a plus. Hopefully they will find shoes for my daughters Halloween costume. Keep your fingers crossed.

As for LR and I we are speaking to each other and talked about his family last night. Mainly his F'd up father. He is a real winner. Apparently the only reason he came over on Monday was to ask him for money. He didnt care that we are broke and behind on our bills and have a young daughter. That man is so selfish. I really feel for LR and now see why he is so messed up. Well I cant say that his family is just a mess I have seen it for awhile now. But I am still not sleeping with him and we dont make plans together. Hopefully we can keep this a friendship thing and not argue. I think we can do that if he leaves me alone while he is drinking. He will still slip in occasionally when he isnt drinking and ask me to lay with him and hold him and just sleep but I dont want to get that way with him. Its easier if that wall is up. I dont seem to get hurt that way. Although I am missing sex in a great big way. I am starting to dream about it (at least I am getting in my dreams). I am not use to going this long without it. Even when we seperated and I moved out I was quick to have a friend with benefits. I have never gone a whole month in many many many years. I am going to have to fix this real fast.

Again I am psyched about this weekend. Damn its been awhile since I have just been me and partied. Been to damn responsible. Hoping to find someone to let me ride on the back of there bike for this even on Saturday so I dont have to drive backer for the group. If I dont being backer is alright to. Just a couple more days to go.