Post Holiday Ramble

Well the turkey day is over and I have been at work for a hour now. I had to come in at 6:00 am this morning. I am lucky because I stayed last night with my family so my daughter didnt have to be by herself today. It's also convenient for my LR's mother to pick her up since she lives about 5 miles from them. I should be ignorant and hurry back after work then take her all the way home so she has to drive a 1/2 hour to get her. I believe to much in karma to do that shit though.

Lets see how did yesterday go? First off I was up at 6:30 with this damn cold that doesnt seem to be going away. So I figured I would go ahead and finish making the couple of things I was suppose to bring for dinner. Talked to my Aunt for a little bit on the phone and then headed to the shower. LR called and said he wanted to wish me a happy holiday. Barf!!! I politely asked him if he was going to his sisters (they do every year) he said "no" he told me he didnt want to answer any questions or deal with them. What the fuck??? I asked him what questions would be asked we havent been together in a couple months and he has been out of the house for 1 month now. So what else could be asked? He simply told me that he wasnt dealing with it or taking there calls. I guess he wanted me to feel sorry for him, that isnt going to happen anymore. I know to much now of all the shit he has pulled on me and how much of a dog he really is. He did speak to our daughter and tell her a Happy Thanksgiving. I am wondering how long he is going to go before he takes and does anything with her. Even just to take her to dinner. Men are such scum when it comes to separation and divorces. I guess it was a good thing when we were together that I basically did it all when it came to her and everything with the house. Because since he has been gone nothing has really changed except the arguing and seeing him trashed etc. Its just calmer. I feel for my daughter though. However she hasnt asked to see him either. They say you marry men that remind you of your father and I think I have done just that. Fuck!!! I really did marry my father.

Once I got to my aunt and uncles for dinner my cousins who are 21 and 24 were drinking and already about half shit faced. (isnt family great?) The one ended up passed out by 4:00 pm. Then one of my aunts got in my face. This is the aunt who ran into LR's mom and now on her side. She said how can she be lying when she was crying right in the middle of Walmart. She told me that the "other woman" is lying to me and that LR's mom went to see her to tell her to stay away from him etc. First of all if that is true how come his mother hasnt called me and told me this all isnt true. And what does the "other woman" have to gain by lying to me? I went to her and she had another man when LR went and tried to get back with her. You have to read my earlier post to get the whole story. Point is I dont believe LR's mom. So turkey day was something else.

I am hoping after work I can go home take some Nyquil and then sleep and wake up and be all better. I know that is just a dream but I really want to go out and see this band tonight and just have fun. I sooooo need it. Then the rest of the weekend will be a kid weekend and decorating for Christmas. I need to find a man to help me get the tree. Guess LR was good for something besides sex. (speaking of....damn I miss sex...sigh)

Oh well I need to change that subject before I head out tonight and do something I will regret. I really dont need all that drama in my life. Its already fucked up enough. Ok time to get back to work. I hope everyone had a great holiday.

Thanksgiving Bouquet

I am still sick as hell and praying I am better by the weekend. Last night after work I stopped at the store and picked up the items I am suppose to bring for the big day. I was dying the entire time. But I made it. Of course once I got home I had to make dinner and straighten up a bit. When I was finally settled and praying for the couch and my blanket another knock at the door came. So I go to answer it and what do I see but the dude up the streets little nephew. He hands me the bouquet of flowers and says who they are from and then runs off my porch. It was the funniest damn thing I have ever seen. He was so cute. You could tell he was nervous. Now I am just not sure what to think of this. I am suppose to go out with him and a few other from the bar this Saturday. I didnt think anything of it, really, I just thought OK a bunch of friends all hanging out. Now I am wondering. Come to find out I cant go this Saturday as I am sure I will have my daughter. LR's mother actually called yesterday and asked my daughter to come spend Friday night with her. So that will be my night out as I will be getting my kid back Saturday afternoon. She kinda ticks me off. Waits months to call and then because its a holiday she wants her. But I wont have to deal with her much longer since they are moving. I have vented enough about that fucked up family. I just put up with their shit for my daughters sake. I really wanted to take that phone and tell her what the fuck I thought of her. Its the holiday season so I am being nice and not saying anything. "If you dont have anything nice to say dont say anything at all" thats the motto unless I am blogging to you all or I just cant stand it anymore.

So lets all pray tomorrow goes smoothly for us all. Peace and Happy Thanksgiving

More doctors

This morning started out like total shit. I woke at 2:30 am with my throat killing me and I couldnt go back to sleep. I didnt go right into work as I had a scheduled doctors appointment at 9:00 am for a colposcopy (not sure if that is spelled right) . So my daughter woke up and as her and I are getting ready (her for school me for my appt) the phone rings. It's LR....fucking great just what I need I feel like shit, I am not looking forward to this appointment and now him. He just called to say he missed his family etc. What the fuck. Dude you just told me a week ago that his daughter and I need to leave him alone and that he is done with us etc. I told him that I am done fighting with him and that we need to settle the house and other bills and just move on to our seperate ways. He says he knows and when we he went to hang up he told me he loved me. I just sighed and hung up. He is a damn mess. Oh and he spoke to our daughter for like 2 minutes. Whooo hooo.

On to the colposcopy. I had a bad pap smear come back so they had to take chunks out of my cervix to check for cancer. Those of you who have had this procedure know that IT FUCKING HURTS AND IT SUCKS BIG TIME. I am still in pain. They warn you of this. It already sucks that your feet are in the air spread wide open in a doctors face then it has to hurt on top of all that. The good news is I now have to go back every 6 months instead of once a year. Cervical cancer runs in my family so its great that this is passed to me in my early 30's. Story of my life.

Just another lovely week for me. I am sicker than hell my nose is running down my face. I cant breathe and my chest and throat really hurt. I cant wait to run home and climb back in bed....oh shit wait....there is homework to be done, dinner to be made and then dishes...ahhh the joys of being a single parent and the only responsible party my child now has. That fucker I married I could just kill some days.

Its been awhile.

Its been a few days since my last post. So I am trying to figure out what in the hell has happened since then. First off since I last spoke with LR on Wednesday and he said for us to leave him alone and he is getting out of mine and my daughters life we have not heard a damn word from him. That really pisses me off since he is that immature. I feel really sorry for my daughter. I of course did not tell her that her father has said that. I figure let her think he is just busy. So no news on him. Its been kinda nice to tell you the truth. It is raining here and he doesnt work in the rain so I am wondering if he has stopped by the house knowing we are not home. Ugghhh. Snooping and stealing soap again. LMAO

The visitor that stopped by my house hasnt been back and I didnt see him while I was out this Saturday. I kinda thought I would. But he didnt come in. However I did see his brother there and he also seems interested in me. Not sure if that will ever go anywhere he is nice and all but I am just not sure. I was able to get out because my daughter wanted to go stay at my uncles and play on the Internet and chat with her friends. However if LR knows I went out I would just be accused of dumping her so I could party. What he doesnt know is I was trying to talk her out of it because I did go to work and didnt really have any plans. But she really wanted to go. Never mind that he hasnt gotten her or done anything with her in months. He has allot of room to talk. So I stopped at the bar to sign the books and ended up staying out until 1:30 am. There was a bunch of people in there. Even my daughter little boyfriends Mom who is awesome and we get along great. So we chatted about the kids and had a few drinks and shot darts. Ended up having a great time with everyone.

So its the holiday season and work is crazy and its time to spend with family and the usual BS that comes with that. I will be of course going to my families for Thanksgiving and I am hoping LR's family doesnt start any bullshit. I am wishing for quiet and happy holiday. We all deserve it.

Man I am realizing since I havent talked to LR I really dont have a whole lot of bitching to do any more. This is kinda nice. So this is what a regular life is like. Ahhhh

About last night

After the ordeal I had yesterday when I got home I had a very interesting visitor stop by. While I was in the kitchen making dinner my daughter comes running and says there is someone knocking on the window by the front door. So I tell her to just stay in the kitchen with me. Sometimes the boys in the neighborhood do that to get her attention. The knock occured again. No ones knocks on front door that really knows us they come to the back kitchen door. So I go to the door and low and behold its a guy whose mom and dad live up the street just a few house and that I have seen out and about. LR and I actually partied with him and his girlfriend about 6 months ago. So I went out and talked to him. He seemed really akward. I waited to see what he wanted, he starts out by saying he heard LR and I were having issues and he hasnt seen him around. I said yes that it the same old shit just a different day. He explains that him and his girlfriend also busted up a few months back. He asks if I think its truly over for LR and I. I explained yes that I think there is just to much water under this bridge. We talked awhile more. He then ask me if I want to go out sometime. I just about fell over. This happened last time to. When LR and I split the time before this one of his co-workers stopped by and asked me out just a couple weeks after we split up. I said no to that one, a co-worker that is weird. I just cant believe men. Its that or LR really has no friends. Because in my eyes that takes big balls.

So tell me, all who are reading this should I go out on a date with this guy???? He is good looking. Has his own place and of course a job. He has two kids a boy (10) and girl (5) they live with mom. I have already met his boy he is a good kid. Also this guy doesnt really drink so that is a plus. He is a good dad from what I have seen. I am just not sure. I left it open with him.

Leave your comments please.

OMG! My crazy F'in life continue

Lets see where do I start. Okay.....last night I left work and went home to do the usual routine. Dinner, help kid with home work, straighten up, and did a load of clothes. I then proceeded to the kitchen and was working on trying to fix my cell phone. Mine decided the face of it just wanted to go black. So I am taking out the sim card and turning off and on the phone. When at the kitchen door LR just walks right the fuck in. No knock, no phone call, no nothing. So I automatically start bitchin. You see when I moved out the last time I never once did that. Matter of fact I didnt even come to the house until after his accident and then he couldnt drive to meet at the park and ride where we met to exchange our daughter. He says he stills has his name on the house etc. So the F what! He could have still knocked. So we argued, he got pissed again when I asked for the cell phone back. He has a work phone not like I left him high and dry. I am not paying for his social life. It got thrown at my neck. Ass hat!!!! But I got the phone back. He then went looking thru the fridge and the bathroom. I couldnt understand until this morning when I went to take a shower. The god damn bar of soap was missing. WTF right? Why would he take the soap. So I had to get out of the shower and get another bar. I hate that shit. The one he took was almost brand new. He slammed the door leaving last night and called me a skank. Whatever. Because I am getting out and screwed so much lately. I wish....

Ok today's drama. First off while apologizing to my daughter about the fight last night between her father and myself she asks me if I knew her Dad had gotten drunk in a bar and beat up. I said "yes how do you know" She tells me the kids in school know from there parents and now they are teasing her about it. Great, small town living. So I get a call at lunch time from LR's mother first. She left a message asking about a present for our daughter for Christmas. I tried to call her back she didnt answer, I answered her question and hung up. Then LR calls and leaves a message about me, my cousin and his X. The one I went out with on Halloween. So I call him back. Come to find out my aunt saw his mother and told her that yea we had all gone out. What the fuck was she thinking????why tell my business she knows I have issues with his mother. Then we get back into a argument about the same old stuff Then I tell him what our daughter told me this morning. His response to me was "well if you are going to treat me like shit and be a bitch and she is embarrassed of me you can both just stay the hell out of my life" and he hung up. Real mature right? I try to call him back he answers and told me its a work number and never to call back. So I sent a text message and told him our daughter did not ask for this and that if he decides not to talk to her that is on him. I havent heard a word since.

This bullshit is just never ending and the people who are jumping into this shit just need to stop it because they are just making it worse. Now I have to sit and wonder if he will get drunk and do something to himself. Because that is how he is. I should have never told him what my daughter told me but he had me so flippin mad that I had to make a point that his actions affect not just him. This just sucks. I hate the drama and just want a fresh start some where else.

Until tonight crusade. Man I hope its quiet. However it wont be because I am not done with my aunt yet.

I Am Such A Bitch Lately

I know I have been a complete and total bitch towards LR and a few others the past couple days but I cant imagine why....Hhhhmmmm. He was even stupid enough to send me a texts and ask me if I was having a bad day and why am I treating him like this. He is so fucking stupid. He is the only person who has caused this. I simply kept coming back because I believed in him and wanted my family back. I admit I was stupid but still this boils down to him. Then you top it off with him and his family not seeing my daughter. Then I really become the bitch. Here we are at the holidays and I cant wait to see what happens then. You can bet your ass I am not answering the phone or any message from any of them.
I could also be feeling on edge and bitch because damn it I havent had sex in a looonnnnng time. I really need a good romp in the hay with a guy who doesnt speak. LOL.
The hate I have is because I have to be the responsible one while he is kid free and partying it up and NOT paying bills, homework, meals and taking the kid to school events. I hate that he can be the single male with no responsibilities. He hasnt paid any bills for real. So I am waiting on notices to start rolling in. It wont be long and I will be in social services for child support. Not sure how long that will last though. I am sure he is on the verge on losing his job. Yes ladies and gentleman I married a fucking loser. The best part is he keeps asking me to help him and take him back. Like he is a homeless dog. Im sorry he needs to get himself help for all the drinking and womanizing he does. The woman come because of the drinking.
Last night I didnt answer his calls and this morning I didnt answer his text message that had animation of a cartoon character blowing kisses and saying "good morning my family" what family is that? you fucking douche?????
The only good that came out of this is my beautiful smart daughter. God how I love her and am happy she is doing so well. She knows her father is a drunk.

I married a complete douche!!

On Friday I got a text message from my lovely husband asking me what he had to do for us to get back together. I replied that before I even consider it there would need to be major counseling and 30 days of rehab. I of course didnt hear anything again until this morning. You know he had to party all weekend. Duh!! This morning text message was telling me good morning and that he loved me. I kept after him with just mean messages. He never saw he daughter or called her until yesterday. They spoke for literally 2 minutes. So know quality time there at all. He is just such a fucking douche bag. I just dont understand how you can go months without spending any real time with your only child. His mother hasnt called her either. Fuck all of them.
Yes I have much hatred in me. Also because I have gone a long time with no sex or affection.
This Saturday night my daughter spent with my step-mother and so I headed out only to be gone 2 hours. No one was out that night. Now watch everyone will be out this weekend and I wont be able to go out. Just my shitty luck lately. And I missed the reunion. It was this past Friday and I thought it was this Friday. Again my shitty luck. So I wont get to see that guy I was previously talking about.
I did get some Christmas shopping done after work on Saturday so at least some of it is done. I am only buying for my daughter as I am flat broke. Still dont know how I can afford to move. LR come to find out hasnt paid the mortgage for Oct or Nov and here it is almost December. He is drinking his money away. The bike payment and insurance wasnt paid either. What a FUCKING LOSER.
The rest of my weekend was ok other than my daughters mouth. I am going easy on her as I know this has to be getting to her. I know how I felt when my father never came around for months. I hate that she is going thru this and karma is a bitch so he will get his. You would have thought he would learn.
Oh well. Here is to another wonderful week.....:)

Way to much time at the doctors!!!!

Yesterday I had scheduled the day off to take my daughter to the dentist. Figured I would just take the whole day and chill out the remainder of it as I have been putting in six days a week at work. Well it was a good thing I did. My daughter has been having problems with her leg so in the morning I called to see if the family doctor could also see her and luckily they could. So off we went at 10:30 in the morning. First one scheduled was the dentist, wouldnt you know it they were running behind. Spent 1 1/2 hours there. For a cleaning. We had a hour or so to wait until the next appointment. All our doctors are 30 minutes from our house as we live in the boonies. So we shop around for a couple things we need. At the family doctors they were on time, however, we get sent to a off campus for x-rays. Several hours were spent between those two things. Final time we made it home 6:00pm. I was exhausted. But at least all of that is done. I should hear in a couple days the results of the x-days. That will determine what to do next as they dont know where or why she is having pain. There was no accident that she is telling me about. As for LR he knows nothing as he hasnt called or seen her. Wait I take that back the fucker bought her lunch on Saturday while I was at work and dropped it off to her. Spent a total of 20 minutes. What a great father. So I figured fuck him he obviously doesnt want to know how or what she is up to.

More about my daughter...I think she is really resenting LR for all of this. She has made several comments about him in a very smart manner. I dont talk about him to her and I dont acknowledge the comments as I feel she needs to make her own determinations about him. So far she is determining correctly.

On the way to the doctors we saw his vehicle parked on the side of the bar where the girl he has been seeing. So I dont know if she had taken him home the night before of what. But I hate knowing he is still a bar slut and spening way to much money. Meanwhile I am counting every penny so I can go to the store and still pay the co-pay to the doctors yesterday. I hate him in so many ways. I asked for the phone back and he still never bought that back to me. I cant shut it off because of the fee. The funny part is yesterday when I sent him a text asking for the phone again. He was saying he misses me and knows he has fucked up. However he is doing nothing to fix it. I will always have a place in my heart for the jackass but I fucking hate him all in the same breath. I will have to give up my home, I have ruined my credit and I will be living in a dump just to make it now. So yes, I fucking hate him for making it come to this.

On a lighter note. I received a email from the reunuion committe of my high school and they are having a happy hour next friday. So I called a old guy friend whom I have kept in touch with him over the years and I know his wife. ( I dont care for her, I know her from high school ) I asked if they were going to the happy hour and get this him and his wife are going thru the exact same thing all most except in reverse. Its her fault as she is cheating on him and he hasnt moved out yet. He watches there kids as she works nights. So if he leaves or she leaves they need a sitter. I have always had a thing sorta for him. Kinda like you wonder "what if". We were "going out" in high school. Never slept together but was just the old boyfriend/girlfriend thing. There was always allot in common and just always got along thru the years. I knew his first wife and of course now his second one. Just always stayed in touched off and on over the years. We just always stayed friends. So we chated for about a half hour and I am suppose to call him later when I get off work he really needs someone to vent to. His parents have passed as well and doesnt have allot of family. Seeing him next Friday should be good. He was best friends with LR in high school for awhile but he knows what kind of asshole he is. Crazy how shit works out.

I cant believe I let him do this to me.

Its Saturday morning and again I have let LR make me question myself. I think I am usually a strong person and usually dont take shit from anyone and dont care what others think of me. However last night my daughter ask to go to the football game with her boyfriend and his family. How could I say no? She gets straight A's they were going to be supervised and I was dropping her off and picking her up from the school at 9pm. I already know his Mom and I made sure she was going to be there. So I thought sure, you can go. LR calls and then gives me shit because I wasnt going to go all the way back home and be by myself so I stopped at the bar and had A beer. Because I knew I was driving my daughter home. So he thinks again I dumped her off to go to a bar. I know I did nothing wrong but I HATE that I feel I have to explain myself to him. I basically told him to quit trying to play the good parent when for months he hasnt spent 15 minutes with her. Literally!!!! So FUCK him and the horse he rode in on. I just hate this. Then he actually sent her a text at 9:30 and wanted to know if I got her home safe. Like I am the drunk. Again Fuck him.
So I wonder if he will think the same thing tonight when she goes to her friends Halloween party tonight. I guess I will have dumped her there to. She is 12 so of course she is starting to have a social life. And who is doing all the driving and staying home and not partying all weekend like he is. ME and where is he? Who the hell knows. I did do some checking and did a drive by he is living with his drug addict aunt. Ewhhh. But I am the bad person. A drunk has to blame someone. I also see he is continuing to text and call this Dawn woman. The big fat ugly bartender. So I am taking the phone back today as well. To bad for him. I am not paying for him to call other woman and make it easy on him. This could be the beginning of war. Oh well right?

Another day in paradise.

So I was awoken today but a my phone going off stating I had a text message. 5:30am by none other than LR. Stating his misses his family and so on. I stuck to my guns stating the same things that I am not buying it and he always does this. He will destroy us and then want to make crap right. I just cant do it anymore. Once he figured that out he went off. Stating I left our daughter with my aunt and uncle all weekend and partied and that i am a hypocrite for getting mad because he does it. He obviously took her text message on Sunday to mean that she was still with them. Then he stated that this is all my doing and he is taking no blame that I just wanted him gone. I am so sick of his shit. I just hung up on him. I called him to say that he needs to quit text messaging her and actually speak to her and maybe he would get the story straight. She is 12 and bound not to tell the whole story of her weekend over a damn message on a phone. He still believes her and I dont care because even if I did it doesnt compare to the shit he has pulled since I have been back with him. I just want to look him in the face and yell "FUCK YOU!"
I am just ready for a vacation. My child has been so wonderful and I love her sooo much she is what is getting me thru all of this. What a blessing.

Allot has happened....many changes to come.

I must start out by saying sorry that I havent posted anything lately but allot has happened. To start with LR has moved out of the house. That is pretty major. I do not know where he moved to or how he is doing as we have not spoken since Halloween. It started that morning when I informed him our daughter was going to stay with my aunt and uncle for the evening while I went out. I figured he wouldnt watch her as he runs every Friday, Saturday and Sunday. Plus I just didnt want to leave him with her due to the drinking. I guess that really ticked him off. He asked how could I do this to him etc. DO WHAT??? This was the first time I was going out on the town since we split. He has been out a million times. I guess the old saying is right "Whats good for the goose isnt always good for the gander"

So I went out and had a really good time. Got a hotel run so I didnt have to drive. My cousin was suppose to split it with me but he hooked up with my friend S again. So I was alone but that was cool. We meet up with "the other woman" that night to. She ended up hating the guy she had just broken up with...you know the one LR caused. She hated on that guy because he tried to get with me that night. HA HA HA kinda ironic right. But I aint having nothing to do with him. Not my type.

The rest of the weekend was quiet. I stayed in. My daughter went with her little boyfriend and his mother to a parade Sat night and to her friends Monday night for a little while to play. So I have had some time to just kick it around the house and chill.

Now comes the time when I have to figure out. WHAT IN THE HELL AM I GOING TO DO? I cant afford the house and yet I cant afford to move out either. I am behind on bills and cant save a dime due to the other household expenses. I dont know if LR is going to give me any money and here comes the holidays. Damn the stress is incredible. The not knowing. My aunt keeps after to just go rent a room somewhere. But I have a daughter and I dont want to move in with some strangers. Yes she did it but times I think were different then. I just dont know. I think by it will be months before I am foreclosed on so there is a part of me that says fuck it! ride is out and see what happens. At least the holidays will be passed us by then and my daughter will have normalcy for a little while. I think I need a counselor or advisor to steer me thru this.
My biggest fear is LR winding up in jail or dead somewhere and god damn I dont want that. He may be a big ass hole but I dont wish anything on him.

Please leave comments if you have any words of wisdom. I sure could use them.