It's been awhile

I realized today just how long it has been since I have posted anything. I have no idea where to begin.

My life is still crazy and it seems every time I take one step forward I get pushed two steps back.
The lawyer I chose I seem to have lost faith in. When I went at the beginning of the month to start the divorce he didn't even have the papers. Said he forgot them at his main office. So just this past Wednesday I finally signed them. But not before I found out that "the other woman" has to sign a affidavit that is notarized and a copy of her drivers licence. This was all not told to me during the consultation. I am hoping this woman does sign and I can be divorced.

With the papers in process LR seems to be sniffing around a little more often. In one week he stopped by without calling 3 times. Claims he is dropping off my mail. There are two things wrong with this. First its all junk mail. Second he never did this before, my daughter always brought it home after visits with him. So what the fuck is the deal here? During one of the stops he grabbed me and hugged me and then really quick kissed me. Ewhhh I am sure the girlfriend would not approve. By the way I never let him in and he stands at the door on the outside. ha ha ha ha.

As for my love life. I am still single and alone. However this past Friday I ran into some people I knew when LR and I had our Harley. Well there was this guy there who said I could ride with him. So we all went for a ride and hit a couple places for a drink. It was fun but this guy is now interested in me. I told him flat out I am not looking for a relationship and I thought we were cool. So Saturday we did the same thing all took a ride and had a great time. There was a huge group of us. Now this guy is just like a leech so I have to now lose him. I just don't get men. Is it a since of a challenge when I say I dont want anything but to be friends?

Work sucks like always but I am happy to have a job. My daughter has been wonderful and now the school year is almost over and I have to find activities to keep her busy so that is my goal for this week.

Happy memorial day to everyone.

Sense of accomplishment

Well today is Tuesday and I feel like I have accomplished allot. I am ready to see my lawyer tomorrow and all my paper work is completed for the bankruptcy. Its more like I book I might add. Took me hours to do. That doesn't include the online 30 minute class I had to take. That was a joke. It went thru CCCS which is consumer credit counselors. I had to pay to do that. $50.00. I thought that was all non profit and free. I had to do it for the courts tho so I guess there is my answer. Also while I am there I get to sign my divorce papers. Whew that is coming to a end finally. Cant believe it. My life is moving forward. Finally!

I havent been sleeping and I dont really know why. Things to be going so well right now but yet I cant sleep like I use to. I hope this phase ends soon.

Nothing to speak of in the world of men. I have none and no interest at the moment. I do feel like I am ready to date. Not settle down but date. It would be great to have someone to do things with and a little romantic envolvlement. I guess that comes with time.

Unexpected Feelings

So its Sunday and I am just chilling out today. I have had a nice weekend doing what I have missed the most. Cooking and hanging out with my daughter and her friend. We went to dinner and a movie last night. Saw 17 again and was amazed that it was a really good movie. I thought it was going to be the same old thing, but it wasn't. What I mean by doing what I missed the most is when I was married I would wake up every weekend and cook for my family and do the domesticated things. Like clean, cook, pick up friends for my daughter and just be a family. I have really missed that. Now I am having to drop her off with her father and you really cant cook big meals for just the two of us. Having her friend over this weekend just bought all those feelings back. I love it. I have to do more of that. I hate divorce for this reason it takes the family aspect away. But I am happy he is gone and all that bullshit towards the end that he bought with him.

Feeling #2 that was unexpected...I went to the lawyer Wednesday and had him draw up the paper work and went over what was to be in the agreement. When I walked out I felt empty. I am 34 almost 35 and I have been married more than half of my life. I walked out feeling a part of my identity is gone. Don't get me wrong I want this but I have also always been known for being married to LR. Now that part of me is gone and I have to find a new identity. Does anyone out there understand this????? I didn't expect to feel this way. The emptiness the sense of being alone and trying to become a new person. Its crazy.....one part of me is happy the other is confused. Don't get me wrong I dont want him back he bought to much drama with him. But I am now having identity issues.

I did the right thing I believe this weekend by just having fun with my daughter and not hanging out with my friends. It helps being around her and reafirming to me what is important. I love her friends and I love watching her have fun and be a kid. Mind you I dont think they slept but thats the fun part at there age. She is awesome and made honor roll again and also another award. She amazes me that she is doing better than ever in school while her parents fell apart. High 5 to her.

This Wednesday I say the divorce papers and then they get mailed to LR to sign. Within 3 months this will all be official.

Whew its been awhile

I understand it has been awhile since I have posted anything but my life seems to have become a little bit crazier. Not in a bad way this time. Just seems I don't have enough time in my day anymore. I kinda like it. It keeps me busy and my mind off of all of the bullshit in my life.

For instance, Friday was my 3 month check up. I show up of course your standard 10 minutes early in the hopes you can get in and get out early. Oh NO! the doctor was a hour late. This is not the norm for my doctor. But the one time I had plans he was behind. I wanted to get my oil changed and I knew the cable guy was coming. So I had to skip the oil change. So that is back on the to do list. Damn it!

Saturday I went to the race track and enjoyed myself. Caught some rays and caught up with some friends. Our buddy came in second place so I was happy to be cheering him on. Then my girlfriend called and said she found a sitter and did I want to meet up with her. So I ran from the track when that was completed to meet her. Ended up seeing old friends and staying out later than I should have. The Coors light guy seems to be a little afraid of me it seems. I am way more outgoing than he is.

Sunday was my day from hell. I mean that literally. My apartment was a fucking hot box. The a/c was not working and the skylights my landlord installed made it that much worse. So I was miserable so was my daughter and we got no sleep. Which made Monday horrible. Everyone hates Mondays anyway and now we are sleep deprived on top of it. This is the topper my computer took a shit on me to. So no computer for me. EWHHHH what a day.

So Monday I called the landlord and complained big time. He assured me he would bring me a new unit. We also had to go out to eat because lord knows I cant eat in the heat and I wasn't about to use the stove and make it worse.

Today I came home and landlord was here putting in new a/c and my cousin was right behind him. My cousin is a computer genius. But he said he couldn't fix this. My computer was old and needs updated I realize that. But how am I going to pay for it? My kid needs it for school and I need it for the usual stuff. So my step-mom came to my rescue again. Here I am with some a/c and a new computer. Whoo hooo

I can say things seem to be going in the right direction for me. I am very grateful for how far I have come. I am doing things on my own with a little help here and there but the one thing I have learned you don't need to hang onto that desire to have that someone in your life. Either a man or a woman. You need to find out who you are and that you can make it on your own.
I realize LR truly was holding me back in so many ways with his addictions. However I am starting to see that I maybe one of them. More about that at a later time. He is sniffing around again.

Cheers to all.

Its my Friday

Whooo hoo today is my Friday. However not for any fun reasons. Tomorrow I have a doctors appointment, its my 3 month check up for my nether regions. Ughhh, yep its that time again. So I am not really looking forward to that. But its suppose to be beautiful out and I will also get my oil change and other errands. So I will make it a good day. Maybe clean the truck.

Today LR called and was telling me he got a job. I scratch my head and think why are you telling me this????? He was telling me where it was and how we know the owners brother blah blah blah. I mean I am happy he got a job is no longer a complete piece of shit anymore and this will mean more money for my daughter. But I just cant figure out why he would just a couple hours after the interview. Then my aunt said well duh....he will now try and get you back. LIKE FUCK! that will never happen. She maybe right because he has just been way to nice and willing to do whatever for me. This is his pattern and I gave in before. I am not sure I even want to be his friend. Who the fuck knows. I will be nice and try to grow up a little bit instead of being bitter. Does piss me off that everything is working out for him after how much of a piece of shit he has been.

Any who I am happy and things seem to be going well all except for the money issues. But I am happy and am really looking forward to going to the track and watching the race cars and hangin with my friends. Hope I will get a tan at the same time.

I will hopefully be able o blog more soon and change the vibe a little bit. Have to let me know what you think about that.

Cheers!

Catch up time.

I just realized it has been almost a week since I have posted anything. Lets see how good I am at catching up on the recent events.

First off LR's mom called and stated she wanted my daughter on Saturday. Now mind you she is moving in the middle of May so this could be one of the last times she spends time with her before she moves. So of course I say yes but I do ask her if she is certain because I knew there were allot of bike runs and she has a bike. She assured me yes. So I made plans. Low and behold she backs out but before she did she called LR to see if he could watch her. This pissed me off because I dont want to involve him anymore than I need to. But he did it. LR's mom then picked her up from him on Sunday morning for my nephews birthday party. This was a good thing later on for me. So my daughter did end up having a good weekend in the end.

Friday evening my daughter and I went to a friends house and hung out and enjoyed the weather. Saturday of course I dropped her with LR due to his mother backing out. I then headed for my car poker run. OH MY GOD was that a blast. I rode with this older guy R who has turned out to be a really good friend he had a 57 chevy bel air that is bad ass. Had it going over 100 mph at one point. I loved it!!! Got drunk of course because that is allot of bar hoping and good times. At the last stop which is of course right by my house my best g-friend came and hung out with us all. I wasnt driving so I lived it up. It was also beautiful out. When we showed up at the last stop a guy I have had my eye on was in there. I think I spoke about him in a past post. I call him Miller light guy. Well he had a seat open next to him so me and my friend chatted him up the whole night. I dont know what it is because he really is no where near my type. But maybe that is what I need. He has a great job, is a little older and really has it together. He is clean cut so he may not like me because of my tattoos and the fact that I love harleys. Who in the hell knows. He has a daughter my kids age and one that is younger. Who knows what will happen. Im not really pressed about a man at this point in the game

In the end I had a great weekend. However...I got fucking sick as a dog Sunday afternoon with the vomiting and other end. It lasted thru yesterday so I missed work and I still feel like I got hit by a truck. It sucks ass. Karma got me for some reason.

Today I called the lawyer and am drawing up the divorce papers next Wednesday and I cant wait. Wish me luck.

Cheers!

And the attitude begins..

The last time LR and I split up 3 years ago he was getting our daughter every other weekend. She also had major attitude problems. This time as you all know he didnt see her until just these past two weekends for any over night visits. She was fine, no attitudes, no head butting between the two of us and her grades were perfect. Well low and behold I have begun to see the attitude again. You know the eye rolls and the hollering at me when I say something to her. I cant stand it. I tell her to watch herself and tell her to just listen to how she is speaking to me and that I am her mother not a dog or one of her classmates. It just gets worse. I have come to realize that duh its because she is seeing asshat again. Its obvious that he is saying stuff to her because of the comments she is saying to me. For example..."I dont know why you dont like her she is only 9 years older than him she isnt old" where in the hell did that come from? I didnt say that to her so he must have said that. I also got "whats your problem mom you are depressed and need Prozac" Ok come on now that is totally him. She has no clue what that stuff is. He thinks I am depressed because now when he sees me I dont speak a word I have been biting my tongue so I dont piss him off so he just signs the divorce papers when we get them drawn up.

Really I have been happy since I have moved into my new apartment. Just because its mine and its a new start. I have more friends now and am doing things. I am fine. Yes there is stress but my whole life had been stressful. But I am happier without him and his drinking and all the cheating he has done. I am better off without him.

Because of this...which the attitude really got bad Monday when he dropped her off. I have had major stomach pains. About 5 years ago this started when I was really stressed over some family stuff. It got so bad that I would vomit. (I know gross) Its back again. I havent gotten sick yet but the pain is awful. I need to find a way to de-stress. Need some warm weather and a beach. I hate him for changing my wonderful daughter. I wish I could stop the affect he has on her.

I just want to go home and relax and play games with my kid and hope there is no attitude tonight. I am looking forward to this poker run on Saturday. The weather should be perfect and I will be with great friends. Hopefully the pain with go away with some relaxation.

Any advice out there would be appreciated.

Cheers

Easter Weekend

Ahhh thank goodness its the start of a fresh week. I tend to hate holidays since I lost my parents and now that I have to split the days with LR I am really hating them. Dont get me wrong I am not sitting around boo whooing its just a little hard. My parents have been gone for awhile so I am use to that. I just miss out when everyone talks about going to there parents blah blah blah.

With that being said Friday night was allot of fun when I met up with my old co-worker and caught up with her. After that I met up with my two other girlfriends and continued happy hour at the local spot that I could walk to and be safe. It was blast. Did a shot that I swore I would never do but it was all good. Did not see or hear from P guess me telling him this was all wrong for me to see him worked. I will miss him though.

Saturday morning I picked up my daughter from LR and we went to my friends house and dyed easter eggs with her and her daughter and then ordered pizza and chilled out. Sunday or course was Easter so we went to my step-mothers and had a early dinner with her and her family. Then it was time for me to have her to her father. BLAH I fuckin hate dropping her off on holidays. Especially to him and his girlfriend where they can play house and act like they are good people. Its all a damn act and it makes me sick. Once I dropped her off I went home and just moped around.

I ended up watching Marley & me and balling my damn eyes out at the end. Good movie but damn did I cry. I needed a good cry. I truly believe its good for us. Emotionally clense as I call it. Would love to hear if others cried over it.

Now its the start of a new week and my step-mom on Easter gave me the money for a lawyer so now I have to get my ass in gear and get this divorce started. Man I cant wait.

My cousin just sent me a text asking what I thought of him going over to a girls house that he just met on Myspace. What the hell people? Are you fucking crazy. I told him he will end up like that guy in Misery. He cant afford to have his legs broke after the heart surgery he just had. Come on man meet her on neutral ground at first. God I hope he listens to me.

Cheers on that note.

So far, so good

LR actually took our daughter again. I am not sure if he is trying to make himself look good to the old hag or if he truly is trying to get better. Either way I think my daughter is happy she is seeing her father again and to me that is all that matters. He picked her up yesterday while I was at work and he will drop her off again on Saturday.

Since my daughter was gone I got some Easter shopping done for her. Damn! things have gotten expensive. But at least that is finished all except for the god damn Peeps. That is the only junk candy my daughter asked for and they are sold out at the Walmart so today I am on a mission to find them.

After that I went and spent some time on my friends porch drinking a couple beers and enjoying the evening. Its nice to have girl talk and have her little 2 year old paint my nails. Damn they look like hell didnt have time to take the polish off this morning. LOL. Then P called and I went to go meet him. Ahhh a friend with benefits. However I may have to kick him to the curb because I think I am growing out of this faze and wanting a real relationship. Could this mean my man hating era is over?

Tonight I am meeting a old friend for a early dinner and to catch up. We havent seen each other in years so this will be great. After that I am meeting a couple girls again for happy hour and then lord knows what P may come in and join us.

All in all its been a pretty great week. I am smiling again.
Cheers

Child support hearing & good weekend

Its been awhile since I have posted but I have been crazy busy. Lets see where to begin....

Ok the weekend. Well LR got my daughter Thursday and Friday night. I was kinda lost because I am so use to having her around. I was also filled with all kinds of emotions. I went from anger to happiness. The anger is a typical mother response not wanting her offspring around another woman who seems to be playing house with my ex and daughter. I lived near this woman and I know she hates kids basically and she is putting on a hell of show for my ex. The happiness was because I know my daughter missed her father no matter how much of a asshat he has been to her she wanted to see him.

So Thursday evening I rode on the back of my friends J's bike who is like a father figure to me and had a nice night meeting up with some of our friends. Friday night was me and my two girls friends meeting for happy hour. Saturday morning I worked and LR dropped off my daughter because he had to go to bar for a bike show. Not a big deal I had a cookout to go to and my daughter was more than welcome there. We were home early and watched movies. Sunday LR picked her back up for the day and I rode with J during the day with a bunch of others and hit some local hot spots and hung out and chatted. P called later and met up with us. I sure missed him because he always makes me laugh. I thought LR was going to keep my daughter and so did P as he was planning on staying the night so we could be "alone" but LR dropped her off.

Monday my daughter was sick so I stayed home from work. That afternoon LR started texting me asking me not to take him to social services the next day for our appointment for child support. That he wanted to start paying and not have to deal with them. What the fuck why wait until the day before???? So I said no and we went for the appointment yesterday. He did not seem happy. In the end he is paying hardly anything because he is on unemployment but its better than what I have been getting which is fucking not one dime. I should start to see something in May because the paperwork has to go thru the court system first.

I never did hear anything from him last night so I dont know if he is thinking victory or if he is pissed off. Because he is getting away with not paying for a whole month. I think its wrong they should have made him pay something right then and there.

So here is to another thing checked off the list and I am one more step away from being done with his ass.

Whoo hoo

Spring is Here

Lets begin today with some good things to talk about.....

#1 . My daughter won best writing story for her grade for all of 7th grade in our county. So she gets to go to a banquet and gets presents and her story published in a book. I am so very proud of her. Its ironic that she is doing the best she ever has and her parents are divorcing. Means I did the right thing. I took her out for dinner as congratulations.

#2. LR's vehicle got reposed on Monday night I heard. It couldnt have happened to a nicer person. HA HA. Karma really is a bitch isnt it? However his Old Hag of a girl friend gave him her old vehicle to use. So he isnt inconvenienced at all and now doesnt have a car payment. I would hate it if I was him though because now she really does have him by the balls because he cant leave her now he is totally dependant on her. If he wants to leave he is on foot with just his clothes. He sold everything else.

This week really has been long and I was looking forward to the weekend. P called and asked me out for Saturday and I said yes. However LR has thrown a wrench in that. Just like always. He told my daughter on Monday when he had her that she was coming to spend the weekend with him. Well I send him a text this morning asking for details on this weekend. He sends one back saying he was getting her Sunday. WTF?? We go back and forth and I say it must be nice to be a father and pick and choose what days and when you want to get her and change plans on her. Well he called me a bitch. Only a bitch when you screw over my daughter. He ended up saying he had plans for Saturday that he could get her Friday night and drop her off Saturday and then pick her back up Sunday. Again WTF??? So I say Fuck you just get her Sunday you suck as a parent. He then calls me and old hag is sitting next to him (this pissed me off) He ended up asking if he could get her tonight and drop her off Saturday morning. There is no school tomorrow so this is ok with me. What I said must have sunk in huh? I hate him not realizing up front what a dumb ass he is. So I have a few days without my daughter and a cancelled date. P could only go out Saturday night. Damn it. However I know my child is more important and I am ok with a cancelled date. I am just tired of him being a parent when he doesnt have better plans and that he has to ok everything with the new girlfriend and ask her about times for pick up and drop off.

So I wonder what I will do with my time???? Probably nothing.

I am about to vomit!

Yes I am ready to vomit. LR and the picture he is trying to paint is making me very ill. Anyhow he sends a text late yesterday afternoon in response to me calling him out that he blew off Saturday with our daughter. He says he didnt shaft her that the weather was to bad to take her fishing. So I shot back with well there is other stuff to do and at the very least you could have called. He said that he wanted to get our daughter for dinner then. Fast forward to me getting home....As soon as I walked in my daughter was ready and said LR was on his way. I walked her down to meet him when I heard him pull up because I was also leaving to run a errand. I asked him how long they would be etc. He replied that he was taking her back to his place for dinner. GREAT! so he doesnt see her for 7 weeks and is going to take her to meet the new girlfriend at his new place. Not "hay lets catch up alone somewhere and let me tell you what I have been doing" Nope just throw her right into it. Once she returned from dinner I had to hear about the plans for this weekend that the old hag discussed with her and how she got to see the bedroom they set up for her and how they are going bowling on Friday and to dinner at this new restaurant the hag wants to take LR and his mom, step-dad, sister and the rest of the family to on Sunday.

This is where I want to vomit. How can you in a month move in with this woman and pretend to play house with my child and now his family is also in on it. I mean is it just me or is this all wrong and way to fast???? I need to know if I am alone in all of this. Old hag I figured out is girl friend number 3 or 4 since Oct. 31 and today that makes 5 months, and he has already lived with her for just about a month. I want to start a bet on this relationship to see just how long this last.

This weekend for me I guess I need to start planning stuff to keep me busy because this is just going to disgust me.

Another douche move from LR

I realized I havent blogged since Thursday during the day so lets try to catch you up on the events.

On Thursday evening I had to go back to the old house (the one that is getting foreclosed on & were LR lives now 2 houses up with the old hag x neighbor) and get my mail. LR said I had stuff from social services etc. With great reluctance I had to go. LR knew I was coming so when I pulled up he was out by his Jeep looking like he was getting something so of course he saw me and walked down and followed me inside. Perfect I thought now we are alone and I can tell him about the divorce etc. I told him what the lawyer said and about how if he didnt contest we could be all done by end of summer. He said he wouldnt and also added "if this is really what you want..blah blah blah" also said he would always love me and how 90% of his life is gone now. What the fuck dude??? You cheated, did drugs, ruined my life, his life and his daughters and you want to question if this is really what I want. And hello if you truly love someone you wouldnt do the things you have to me over and over again. "hell yes" I told him I want this in a bad way. He also asked when he could start getting our daughter. So we went into a whole conversation about her and I explained as long as he called her and she wants to go and he can promise no drinking & driving or bullshit than I am ok with it. I figure she is old enough to call me if she sees anything she doesnt like. I had a conversation that she can call me and I will be right there to pick her up. I left there laughing at him because he followed me around the house and right out to my truck to tell me goodbye and that it was good seeing me. YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING. He is such a joke and I knew the girlfriend was watching us from the window so I waved.

So that evening he did call her and said he wants to see her Saturday and take her fishing and said he would call her Friday evening as well. Guess what we never heard from him. What a douche move right? So her and I just hung out all weekend and watched Twilight together and ran some errands it was really good mother daughter time. Its his loss. She is great.

I sent him a text message this morning telling him to never do that again and oh yea happy b-day asshole. Yes today is his birthday and I hope he gets the shits for his birthday. Fucking douche bag. The only thing I am grateful for is that my daughter is old enough to realize how he is treating her. I mean come on he hasnt spent any time with her since Feb 16th. He gets the dad of the year medal for sure. The part I hate the most is him telling me he misses her and cant wait to see her. Well then why in the hell dont you get her???? thats my question.

I just keep patting myself on the back for getting out of that mess of a relationship I was in for all those years. Yes its tough on my own and being a single parent with no support financially etc. but its so worth it not to have the drama anymore.

Heres to me...cheers

Could be a single woman this summer.

I went to see a lawyer yesterday after work for a consult. He was very informative advising me on the bankruptcy I want to file and divorce. I was advised that since LR is now living with a woman and if he doesnt contest the divorce this could all happen in 3 months time. WOW!!! I did send LR a text yesterday before my appointment and asked him if he would contest anything and he said "nope". I got the thinking how could he. First of all he is living with another woman and second what would his girlfriend say if he fought me for a divorce that I am paying for and trying to speed up. Of course she would give him a bunch of shit and he is dependant on her for a place to live right now. So I can really see this happening quickly. Walking out of that office I really could see my new life beginning. All the years of drinking, affairs and now drug abuse will all be in the past and I wont have to deal with him or his problems any longer. Its a relief and that is why I am keeping my fingers crossed that this goes through smoothly. This is going to be costly to file for both things but it will really be worth it. My step-mom has been my angel in waiting and she is going to be helping me with the funds.

Yesterday must have been my lucky day, actually ever since this weekend its been great. I havent been able to say that in a very long time. Anyway I won the weekly drawing at the bar for 151.00. Whoo hoo. Thats some cash in my pocket for the weekend. Who knows maybe P will call and ask for a date. That would be the cherry on top.


Its kinda nice seeing the light at the end of the tunnel that was dark and gloomy for so many years.

It's lawyer time. Ohhh yeah!

I have been trying for about a week now to get in touch with a lawyer. I wanted one that did both things divorce and bankruptcy. There isnt many that do both in my area. Finally one of the ones I was trying to call answered and low and behold they have a appointment for tomorrow for a consultation. Whoo hoo. Lets see how much this is gonna cost me. I am scared I will admit because I dont have any money but I think my step-mom may help with this. I have to run home and tally up my debt and get all my information together and questions I want to ask. Tomorrow should be interesting and informative. At least this will lead me in the right direction of what to do next. I hate to file for divorce but at this point in my life I have no choice. I cant pay rent and the normal funds it takes to raise a daughter on my own and pay my credit cards. Again I take a hit because I made a bad choice by trying to make things work with my low life of a husband. Ughh never again.

I never heard from P last night and I really didnt think I would. He and I are allot alike in the manner that we both are stubborn and probably are both waiting for the other to call. We also have allot of baggage with the X's and are cautious about getting in a relationship. The worst part is I like him. I will have to push this to the back of my head. Its hard because I will get to working and then he will just pop into my head. Something he said or did and then I just smile. Wonder if I will see him around this weekend? Who knows...push it away...push it away.

My daughter is happy. I hooked up the computer for her last night and its just in time because she advised me she has a paper do on Friday. Its working great and much faster than that old piece of shit we had. Thank goodness for friends.

D the guy up the street that I know likes me keeps on sending me texts trying to hint around as to why I wasnt around this weekend. I really need to set him straight to back off, if I havent shown any interest and turn him down all the time for the past 7 months you would have thought he would have gotten the hint. But apparently not. I told him I had other plans.

Ok - time to sign off allot to do so I can get ready for tomorrow.

Cheers

Biker Boys -OMG What A Weekend

What a crazy fucking weekend. It was fun less the blow up with LR but I will explain more about that later. On Friday my daughter went with LR's aunt so I headed next door to my normal hang out under the impression that "ok just a couple" because I had to work Saturday morning. I also was a mess to look at because I knew I would be out of there early before the big crowd came. That was the plan

As soon as I walk in the normal happy hour locals are there and I say hello and sit down. When I looked to right down the bar sat this guy "P" as I am going to call him and his buddies. I met P at the Nascar Daytona party in January. Yes he is the scary biker that most would run from because of the tattoos and the biker get up. But I grew up with this and loved his smile and assholeness if that makes since. Yes I like the bad boys. But he just puts on that front but I know better because we talked alone at the party and his boys werent there. I got word the week after Nascar that he came in asked my friend about me and could he get my number. She eventually gave it to him after asking me. I was like what the hell. But he never called and I didnt see him again until this weekend. So I saw him down there and I didnt say hi. I dont do things like that if he is interested he will come to me. I was gabbing to my friend for a little over a hour I could see him starring and eventually I guess after beer courage he sent a drink over with a message saying I was a snob. So I one upped him and sent him a shot with a F you message because I knew in front of his boys and the bad ass attitude he was throwing I would win. And I did. He asked me to go to another bar with all of the them to hear a band. You know me...I did. That was a 3:30 in the morning return home. I met up with them again Saturday night and had a blast. Not sure what will become of all of this. But it was a great time. They also belong to a very big bike club and I know as soon as LR hears I went out with this guy all holy hell will raise. But Fuck him I had a good time. Worse thing is I think I like this guy allot but the family will hate him because they will just hear the club he belongs to and the tattoos etc. What do I do?

The blow up with LR was me telling him exactly how I feel. That he sucks as a father etc. I mean yelling it etc. He doesnt care I passed him on the road on Saturday after that and he turned around in the middle of the road to talk to me and saw I had beer in the back of the truck and asked for one and then told me I look good and was trying to be all charming. What the hell is wrong with him? I told him to get in front of the truck so I could run his ass over. He just laughed at me. I hate him so much.

At least I had a good weekend. Hope to have another one just like it.

The weeks End

This week has just been a little hectic. At work we are extremely busy and not enough help. Due to the economy they will not hire anyone else. So its put out more work and kill yourself. Oh and no raises this year. Yes I am very grateful to have a employment but on the other hand I am tired and wore out for this job. I also have to work tomorrow for OT. I do need the money. Especially since I got screwed by a so called friend. On Wednesday evening I went to the old house so my friend could get the washer/dryer and went to her house and chatted and helped set it all up. When it was time to leave and I asked for the money the bitch actually said "oh Mike has my checkbook" Why would her x-boyfriend have that? Then she said she would stop by last night with the money. Yea I sent her a text asking what time she would be by and she ignored my text and email. So I guess I am out of that money. You guessed it I got screwed, not to happy either.

I also have not heard from LR he was suppose to have his half of the car insurance. I am so tired of being screwed over by people. All I try to do is the right thing and I seem to be just getting run over by everyone. I also told LR on Monday that I really wanted to talk to him and settle some things that I had mentioned in my previous post. Nope he never called or anything. Its not like he is fucking working or busy.

The "OLD HAG" also approached my friend D on Wednesday when he helped my friend and I with the washer/dryer she asked him what he was doing helping me and then told him about some of the comments I made about her to LR. It's nice he tells her what I say about her. I find that funny as shit. Bring it on old bitch.... My friend who also got the washer/dryer use to be a pot head and pill popper before she settled down 3 years ago with her daughter. She informed me she use to get drugs from the old hag and knows she still uses. That was very helpful info for me. Just another reason why I need to get a hold of LR and inform him that hell no just leave me and my daughter alone and dont screw up things with her.

This weekend my daughter is going with LR's one aunt that I like and I think I am just going to chill out tonight and then go to a bonanza tomorrow night. All close to home and hopefully NO drama will find me. I can hope right?

Cheers!

The dickhead move

For some f'd up reason LR seems to be calling more now and I am really confused. He has moved in the with "old hag" and he calls more now then when he was just living with his druggie aunt. I cant figure it out. He isnt calling his daughter only me. For stupid fucking reasons. Yesterday I had the day off and he calls and said he saw my truck and knew I wasnt at work and wanted to know if everything was ok. What the fuck??? Thats why I didnt want him living anywhere around me. Dont call me asshat. I just simply told him yes and didnt offer up any explanation for me being off. I dont think he liked that but screw him. I did tell him that when he had some spare time I really wanted to talk to him. I want to know what he plans on telling our daughter about him moving in with our old neighbor and whats he going to do when she starts to get made comments to from the mean boys in the neighbor about her father shacking up with the old bitch. I am really concerned about her and how this is going to screw with her head. She is amazingly well and I dont want this to mess her up.

Yesterday I waited on the cable guy and went to the Laundromat. Man I forgot how many strange ones go there. This old woman started telling me her whole life story and how her kids are all messed up and how her daughter sleeps around and son uses drugs. I never even said hello to her and she just comes over while I am folding clothes and starts in. I swear if I start to go psycho someone please put me out of my misery. I was thankful she came in as the clothes were drying and almost done.

Today is beautiful and I cant wait to go outside and walk around. My daughter got me into the Twilight books and now I have to get book 2 I finished the first one last night and I am hooked. I thought it was going to be stupid and I was wrong. So we may park a little further away in town and walk to the bookstore and hit some of the little shops since its so nice.

Cheers!

The big move for LR

Ahhh the weekend drama. Will it ever end? No, I dont think it will. It seems to trail behind me like a puppy and then at times comes right up beside me and irrates the shit out of me. Just like this weekend for instance. Friday night my daughter went to the movies with her girlfriend so I was able to hit the bar for a couple hours and have happy hour with a old girlfriend that I have gotten in touch with. That was fun and I am glad we are talking again. No big drama there except for that damn girl keeps telling she is getting the washer/dryer and she keeps falling thru on her promise.

Saturday morning I worked and have to leave a hour early because my step-moms car broke down on the way to my house to get my daughter. Luckily she made it to my house but we had to get her a tow truck and I had to take her home. Right after that LR calls me and that is when the real drama began for the day. He was being all nicey nice and then let it slip that he is moving in with the old hag. Yep thats right after just one week of being together he is moving in. Then stated he wants to start getting our daughter etc. WHAT THE FUCK???? Ok lets confuse this child even more. He hasnt really been in the picture in like 6 months and he want her to go visit him and the old hag in the neighborhood she grew up in and only 2 houses away. I dont even know how he would begin to explain that. I have been in the old hags house just once. It was the most disgusting thing ever. She is also a dope and pill head. So I have to quickly get my a lawyer and get on the ball with this. I did give him crap and am hoping he just goes away. I can pray right? Saturday night I went to this b-day party and a huge fight broke out and the place was shut down by midnight so I just headed home.

Sunday was really nice. I slept in until 11:30. I havent been able to do that in months. I never left the house that day it was great. Just chilled out and watched movies with my daughter and read. I miss those days and hope to have many more.

Lets hope this week goes as smoothly as my Sunday went.

Friday is here time to unwind sorta

Its Friday again and man I cant wait to start my weekend. However I am going to be working on Saturday for a few hours to get overtime. This may hurt me when it comes to child support but I really have no choice at this point. I wish someone would tell me if social services will hold that against me.

LR is still with the Grandma and they havent spent a night apart since last Saturday. I think I have finally realized why this is getting to me. It makes me question myself when he gets with these woman. When I say these woman I mean fat, ugly, old, drug addicts, psycho and so on. All these woman have been a mess in one way or another. So it makes me think ok which category do I fall in? Whats wrong with me? am I ugly or fat? I dont do drugs and I take care of my kid so I know I am not one of the woman he got with. But it does make me question myself and I hate that he can do that to me. On the other hand I have begun to realize that he has made me a much stronger woman. Since he has been a complete waste of a person and father I have learned that I can do this on my own. I have done it for 6 months with absolutely no help from him what so ever. My daughters grades have not dropped and she is on the honor roll. So I must be doing something right. The questions are still there though. I am hoping that will pass.

As for the weekend tonight my daughter is going to the movies with her friend for them getting good report cards. While she does that I have to go the old house to help my friend get the washer and dryer. With that money it will help me pay Aprils rent. Whoo hoo. Another month of having a place to live. Once I do that I am going to have a drink and wait for my daughter to return home. It will be a early night since I have to work tomorrow. While I am at work my step-mom is going to get my daughter. Saturday night there is a b-day party I am suppose to go to at the old bar I use to hang out with my x-boyfriend. Yea the one I fell back into bed with just last month. That wont happen again. (I hope) We are good friends now and I want to keep it that way. Sunday will be my relaxing day.

Lets hope tonight I dont run into LR and his "old lady" at the old house. I know he has been staying at her house which is only two house up. The houses are close together. Keep your fingers crossed for me.

Raise your glasses here is to the weekend...

The old hag

Some of you may say I am childish or stooping to a low level but I just had to bust his ass about this old bitch he is with now. I called him yesterday and I knew she was with him. I asked about what was left in the house and then I went right on his ass about being with a 54 year old woman with grown kids and grand kids. His mother just turned 50. I was being really ignorant and the best part was he couldnt come back and say anything because she was right there with him. I asked him what it was like fucking a old grandma and what did it look like so I know what to expect in 20 years. I asked if I could call him Pap Pap and does he call her granny. I told him that once and for all he has proven he will fuck anything. It was great...and yes it did make me feel better. I was still pissed over him coming to the bar I go to and bringing her. If he didnt do that I think I wouldnt have been so ticked off and said those things. So judge me if you will but I am sure he would bust my ass if I hooked up with a grandpa.

Even after saying all those things he had enough nerve to ask if I would print off copies of his resume and update it for him. What the hell???? I asked him what has he done for me. I pay his health insurance and sometimes his car insurance. I am still not getting any money to help with our daughter and he doesnt see her. He just responded that he needs a job. So I printed a copy off today and included a note saying have one of your woman update it and retype it for you. I am not doing all that work. Fuck him.

After blasting LR I feel better and no that ok I have moved and getting my life back in order and I am definitely ready for a new start. So come on spring lets get moving along so I can get out and about outdoors and exercise and meet new people.

Tonight is my first outing to the laundramat. Damn I already miss my washer and dryer. Gotta do what I have to though.

Not so peaceful weekend

This weekend I thought would be calm and cool. First weekend in my new place away from the old house and old bullshit. So I thought.

On Friday I knew I had to work so I kept it cool and my daughter and I since it was nice headed to my local hangout where kids are welcome until 9pm and they have great burgers and fries. Since I can now walk over she got some dinner and I had just 3 beers and we talked to our friends and went home by 7pm. Easy night.

Saturday I had to get up early for work and that is where the phone calls and me being thrown back into LR's drama. He called to ask if I was sure everything left at the house was good to be sold or given away. I said yes otherwise I wouldnt have left it there. He started saying "ok I love you" What the fuck is that??? I ignored him and changed the subject and he said it again. I just said goodbye and hung up. After work I head home and get my daughter and I wanted to take her for a bike ride but where we went was overcrowded and no parking. So we went to the craft store and I got things to make her a scrap book and curtains for her room. Thats when the third call ensued. It was LR again asking about some items and then his sister gets on the phone basically crying saying she missed me and how messed up this is that we are losing everything and our things and how the whole neighbor hood is going thru our house. I told her thats fine and LR wanted it this way and I am moving on. LR gets back on the phone with the I love you's. I just dont fucking understand. We head home that night and just chill out. I was exhausted and wanted to paint my place on Sunday.

Sunday arrives and I get up and start painting and my girl friend from work came and helped us. Then third phone call comes from my old neighbor saying the neighborhood was in chaos the evening before and all the lights in the house were left on as well as the front door was left wide open and did I want him to go close up the house. Of course I said yes. Then another call comes from LR's mom complaining about him and how crap went down over there and how the "prostitutes" (thats what she called them) from up the street came down and threw themselves at LR. Ok...the prostitutes are two girls both named Kathy. One my age and married and the other one is in her 50's with grown kids and grandchildren. She is the one who really wants LR (for what reason I havent a clue) So I tell her there story and we hang up. Next call came from the guy up the street that I have been talking to. He fills me in on what happened the day before. This is how great of a guy LR is and shows how bad he needs money for his habits. He was selling the kids on the street his Playboys and knives. Great huh??? Also said LR and this 50 something old bag went out Saturday and stayed together. As of right now they are still together at her house. I am just disgusted. How can he be with someone that old??? Thats right it has to be the drugs and booze. He also cant be alone. So D as I am going to call him met me at the local bar and had a beer with me and was just telling me how all the neighbors where down there and somehow told him where I live. So that is great. LR even went to this bar on Saturday night with the old bat and was checking out where I live. That asshole needs to stay far away from me. I dont go to the places he hangs out so he shouldnt come to mine especially with his new squeeze. No matter how gross she is. D also said LR was telling everyone that I couldnt pay the mortgage so now he is down there cleaning up my mess. Again this is all my fault.

I guess I dont understand men who have no standard in who they associate with or sleep with. No age, weight, or good taste at all.

I have to go back to the old house tonight to get my mail and pick up a couple items I had put to the side. I cant wait to see this freak show. I just wish he would stay away from me and my neighborhood and quit saying he loves me. I dont understand what game he is trying to play at all. It needs to stop and I am happy we have a hearing in April for child support and this house ordeal is almost gone. I am going to try to call some lawyers tomorrow to see if I can get a meeting to file for separation and bankruptcy. Lets get this shit done!!!!

LR and Social Services

I received a call last night from LR, of course I did not answer but he left a message saying to please call him back. He didnt sound angry so I did. He explained that he got the papers from social services over the child support request I had made and he just didnt understand. What the fuck isnt there to understand. He hasnt helped me out with any of her needs since maybe August or September and we were living together then. I started to get aggravated with him and explained that he has become the most irresponsible person I know and did he even remember the last time he saw or spoke to his daughter. (it was February 16th) He tried to blame it on me and even said she doesnt call him either. Hello he is the adult.. I simply said he could see her whenever he wanted I just didnt want her at the drug house he is staying at. He said he had no money to take and do anything with her. I said well you are at the bar every Saturday night. (you will love this) He told me that he made a commitment to the guys at the bar to be in a horseshoe tournament and he wasnt going to let them down. That is when I went off and said "You made a commitment to your wife and child when you got married to but you fucked that up" and I hung up. He then sent me a text message saying I cant be mad because I told him to leave the relationship and leave me alone and he didnt want this to end. Oh really???? I should have just stayed quiet and let him screw other woman and stay out all night and party. I think not. I will see his ass in court. I am not going to let him get off scott free while I continue to bust my ass doing whatever I can for my daughter. Last night I was with her at the library until closing on a school project and then scrounged up money to get her hair cut and this weekend I am working overtime. Meanwhile he is partying. Fuck him!!!!

So tonight I am running back to the old house to see if I received paper work as well. I have to get my daughters bike and some papers anyway.

It is so nice out today that maybe we will go for a walk or bike ride. I wanted to go to the Zoo tomorrow but now I am working in the morning and by the time I get off and head down there it will be to late to spend a good amount of time. I have to come up with another idea. Just as long as I am outside I will be happy.

Here is to another wonderful weekend. Cheers!

Exhaustion

I am finished finally. Yep I moved and I am tired, sore and bruised because of it. However that is fine because its done. Actually I was done on Saturday but I have been unpacking, cleaning and dealing with the school getting my daughters bus route changed. Something I thought would be easy wasnt. Bus drivers are asses. No offense to anyone I hope. The Asshat of a driver went right on passed us even though I was waving her down and she looked right at me. Thankfully that is settled. Thank god for my girlfriends husband. He helped me move my big items with his trailer. It was just him and I moving beds and sofas and the other big items. The rest my daughter and I moved ourselves with many truck loads. I love my SUV without it I would have never gotten in done. And yes in case you were wondering I had no other help. Guess you realize who you truly have as friends and family.

Speaking of family...if you remember in my previous post my aunt accused my uncle of him and I messing around. Well last night I received a phone call from him saying she left the house due to a fight they had where she accused him again. He is the only male family I have living close to me. I needed help with the shower in my new apartment so he comes over and spends two hours total fixing it and this is the shit it caused. Who in the fuck needs enemies when I have my own family. Now my aunt knows me better than that and knows I have more than enough on my plate. Why would she start this shit now? So I guess now I am down to my other aunt as the only family I have left. And even she ticks me off at times. She was home and knew I could use the help moving and didnt. She stayed in her Pj's and had movie day. I would do it for her in a second.

LR has not yet figured out I have moved and I like it that way right now. During one of my many trips the repo guy stopped by for his bike. So I opened up the garage for him and let him take it. LMAO I am sure that is going to really piss him off. It makes me feel good after how he showed me he was upset over his girlfriend dumped him. He is such a fucker. He doesnt need a bike anyway he would only kill himself now. I ran into someone yesterday who said she saw LR and said she knew he was on drugs at that time. It was only about 2 weeks ago. Thats right, same time he told me he was clean. It was been since Feb16th since LR or his mother saw or spoke to our daughter I am curious how long they are going to go. I am growing much hatred for these people.

There is a since of relief that I am now moved and on my way to a real fresh start. In my stomach though I am scared that I am not going to be able to make it on my own. I keep pushing that feeling away and say I have to make it. I have no other choice.

So here it to a fresh start.... : )

Last day for awhile

This will be my last post for the next week. I am off to pack, move, paint and clean. I am looking forward to a new start. However its going to be hard work. That's OK I believe I need it. Still no one is committed to help for the big items. Hopefully that will come in time. I already have one load of boxes packed my SUV to unload after work. So wish me luck on the move.

My cousins surgery sounds like it went well for the most part. He has allot of recovery time ahead of him. I was able to talk to him and he sounded good. He is on some major pain meds so of course he did right??? I am thinking he will be out of the hospital in a week. As for the rest of them after this past weekend they are still mental in my eyes. Gheesh!

I got a lunch visit from LR today. He actually bought me his half of the car insurance. He then asked me if I wanted to go to lunch and I replied no but I would sit and talk with him. I just proceeded to blast him about how fucked up he has made things and how much of a waste he has become. He admitted I was right and the told me about how his girlfriend dumped him for no reason. Can you fucking believe he went there with me???? I told him she was trash just like he was but maybe she has woken up. This girl is a complete fuck up and drug addict. I just went on and on with him about how he screws over everyone in his life and and always will. Told him he lies etc. etc. etc. He kept on trying to hold me and hug me and I just kept pulling away. I know it was stupid to blast him like I did but it made me feel better to vent. I told him it was a shame he was seeming more upset over her dumping him than he was over losing his wife, child and home. It kinda made me question myself. Is there something wrong with me? I have to keep telling myself he is a sick man.

Keep smiling I tell myself, things have to get better. With a little hard work my daughter and I will have a roof of our own and a new start. Every now and then I will have to deal with jackass but at least I know he wont be entering my space ever again.

Until next week my friends...

The title of this blog says it all...

All I can say today is I have a very fucked up life. This weekend was just crazy. Its no wonder I have to have a drink every now and then. Where or where do I begin???

Lets start with Friday. Hummm I didn't do anything but hit the movie store and subway and stayed in with my daughter. I was exhausted do to lack of sleep from Thursday. It was nice just chilling out at home.

Saturday is when I should have just stayed the hell home. My daughter went with my stepmother for the evening so I had all day. Due to my cousins surgery my family was to all get together and have something for him. I first went to lunch with two of my dearest friends and had a wonderful time. Then I stopped in and had a drink with a ex-boyfriend because I had heard his son was in a bad accident. It was nice to see him and hang out. It came time for the party for my cousin and I invited him along. He knows my family so it was cool. Well this is where it goes down hill. My family is soooo fucked up I just cant believe it anymore. They are all drinking and carrying on when I arrive. I am not. So its a little annoying and J (my X) is just like what in the hell. But we stay for my cousin and everyone is doing fine. We then head to the local bar and see LR's vehicle and we had to choose another bar. Yeah right??? no money but at the bar. This is the good part, at the bar my uncles announces that my aunt has stated she thinks my uncle either has a thing for me or she thinks something has gone on. WHAT THE FUCK???? I real quick change the subject. Drunk people and conversation like that I knew bad things could happen. Not that I didnt want to address it but that wasnt the time or the place. I am pissed today thinking about it. How could she think that??? Then a little while after that my cousin starts in about how he doesnt want J and I together. Again WHAT THE FUCK??? He was great when he was paying for him to come and hang with us and buying dinners and beer and giving us a place to stay so we didnt have to drive home. I just stood up and said enough I am taking you all back to the house. So I dropped there asses off and J and I headed back to his town and hung out. In case you are wondering yes we hooked up and had sex. I have to admit it was nice. I havent had sex in 5 months and it was nice to be with a man again and be wrapped up in his arms. I know it wasnt the right thing to do but I think we both know we needed it.

I just cant believe everything that occurred that night and how much of a mess my family is. I dont have much family and I think I just lost them. I wont feel comfortable around them anymore knowing what she thinks. I am down to one aunt I think I cant on now. What a complete damn mess. Its true you can only count on yourself.

Sunday I just stayed in my house and did not leave and hung out with my kid. She is my sunshine in this crazy ass life. At least she is sane for now.

Tonight I hope to get the key to my new place. Keep your fingers crossed for me that this goes smoothly.

It's Friday

OMG- Thank goodness it is Friday. I am so fucking exhausted. It finally happened, I ran out of oil around 12:30am. I kept hearing the furnace kick off and on and it woke me up. So yes I have no heat and I dont move until the 28th. I am going to have to just bundle up the kid and I in the evenings and live under blankets. Its a 100 gallon minimum to have oil delivered and all be damned if I am paying 300.00 for one weeks worth of oil for asshat to have in case he comes back into the house once I am gone. Plus I just plain up and down dont fucking have it. I had to pay jerkoffs half of the car insurance again. I am not a happy camper today. So after next week I am just going to say screw it and get a new policy with just my vehicle on it and take the fine from MVA when he gets caught driving with no insurance. I really hope it doesnt come to that but there is nothing else for me to do. I am tired of paying for his fuck ups. YES I am also physically tired from 3 hours of sleep damn it.

I am proud of myself I got allot of packing done last night. I just have the kitchen and bathroom left to do and we use most of that stuff. I also need to catch up on some more laundry but that is what the weekend is for. I am not doing a damn thing tonight!

Tomorrow I go to visit with my cousin and the rest of my family for the day. He is the one having open heart surgery at 24. So this is the last party for awhile since he will be out of commission. I feel so bad for him. He is a trooper and will get thru it I am sure.

Sunday I will just be trying to pack some more and get ready for a big week of working and painting and cleaning the new place. Ughhh I am tired just thinking about next week.

Cheers!!!

Getting my ass in gear

I have come to the conclusion I have to get my ass in gear. I have been in this F it state of mind for to long. Its pretty obvious that I can only depend on myself and that now someone (my daughter) is depending on me solely. So I am all the two of us have. (Not to much fucking pressure there huh?) With that being said I have to pack and find a way to move our stuff to this new apartment all within a matter of 9 days. Plus I have to call the landlord and see if it is at all possible for me to get in there early so I can paint the place and clean it up to make it presentable for us. The painting and cleaning I am thinking will take 2 days. After seeing if this guy will let me in early I will have to take two days off work to make this possible. I am really praying that my 21 year old cousin can come thru for me and help me move along with a couple of his buddies. I will have to pay them with pizza and beer. But I will be grateful if he comes thru for me. I will see this weekend when I talk to him. So for the next few evenings after work I will be busting ass packing up what I dont need to use along with tons of laundry since I wont have a washer or dryer anymore. Busy person I will be.

On a bright note. My daughter is doing wonderful in school. I received a email from her Science teacher and she has the highest grade in the class. The average is 81% and she has a 99%. She amazed me everyday that she is doing so well when her world has been a mess for the past few months. That is another reason to push me to do what I have to so she can stay in the school district. She is the bright spot in my life. Thank god for her.

I have been feeling depressed and down but its time to turn it all around with a little hard work!!!

Fuzzy Head

Yes, Ok, I know I shouldnt have stayed out late last night but I was having a good time and meeting new people. My daughter was with LR's mom yesterday and was staying the night so I was able to go the bar where they were throwing a NASCAR viewing party. I havent watched a race in over a year. So it was kinda cool. Got to see my friends and unwind. But yes I am tired now and just want a nap.

This weekend was nice. My daughter and I just hung out both Friday and Saturday nights. I took her to shop for a new outfit and shoes for VD day. I really didnt have the money but I am not having her go without because I am in a fucked up situation. I am really worrying about her. She was invited to a sleep over and she chose to just stay home and hang with me. I know when I was her age I would have never done that. I just dont know what to think about that or if I should worry at all. I am kinda thinking everything is getting to her and she just wants to be clingy right now. On the other hand I was happy to have her around all weekend. I didnt do any packing and I know I should have but my attitude over all of this has just been "fuck it" I dont want to do this and I hate having everything on me. Shit I dont even know how I am moving. I have no real help or trucks. I need men to help move the big items and I just dont have it. So I did nothing!! Its the wrong attitude to have and I know it.

As for LR he never called our daughter on VD day and that really pissed me off. However when I called LR's mom this morning he actually answered the phone. So that means he is at least there visiting her. I guess that is a good thing since he hasnt spent any time with her in awhile. I did tell him that its car insurance time again and that I need it by the end of this week. He told me he had to buy a battery and all so unless unemployment gets him more money he wont have it. I told him I dont care I dont have his half. I have to call them and see if I can only pay for my vehicle if he doesnt come up with his share. He is such a waste of a person.

This week I guess I am just going to have to buckle down and get some packing done and call some people and see if I can get help. Man I fucking hate asking people for help. It makes me feel like I owe them then. Especially men. But I have to do this. Its survival now.

100th Post

I really cant believe this is my 100th post. Really it has been nothing but a bitch fest about my F'd up life and everything that has been happening over the years. With that being said it has really been very therapeutic for me to let all of this out. So I thank you to whomever has read my blog and I hope some of you can relate and maybe leave your comments.

So yesterday my daughter was sick with a stomach virus and was really upset and in pain. She really (knock on wood) doesnt get sick and only misses maybe one day a whole school year. Yesterday was it. Thankfully she was better this morning and I havent heard anything from the school. I guess all is well. I gotta pray I dont get it.

Now for the Asshat update. Wednesday I actually saw him. It has been since the Saturday after Christmas . Anyway he called me and was asking if he had received anything in the mail from the unemployment office. He asked me to open it so he would know if it was his card. I didnt know that you dont get a check anymore, they give you a VISA check card to use. Who knew???
He said he only had enough gas to come to the house so he needed to check first. So he shows up a hour and half later. OMG he looked like shit. He had lost 50 pounds I am guessing, and looks like a crack addict. He was shaking and shit. It was just horrible. He kept on staring at me and wanted to talk and ramble on. He reached out to hug me. It was just awkward. I had to tell him I didnt want to talk about his life or know anything about it. That we need to stick to just talking about our daughter and stuff with the house. He just kept on wanting to hang around and I had to tell him just to go. I had a friend over who was looking to buy some stuff furniture off of me and I didnt want him to know what we were talking about etc. Plus why in the hell did he want to stick around and be all nice and lovey. Oh, he did finally admit that he was using drugs..however he states he is clean now. I wonder if has only been clean because he had no money. Now he does, so time will tell. It was just a mess. So he goes to leave and his Jeep wouldnt start. Battery was dead....what the fuck???? So I had to jump start it and of course another good bye hug.

I just dont know how to handle all of this stuff. He needs to just leave me alone. I already have to much bullshit to deal with. All of which he has caused. It did break my heart to see how bad he has become physically and I know its his fault. But anyone would be a heartless bitch if they saw someone who needed help and they just couldnt help them anymore.

Today is Friday and I am looking forward to the weekend. I plan on packing over Valentines Day and Sunday of course watching the Daytona 500. I am not a huge Nascar fan but I like to watch it with some good friends and food. My daughter will be with her Grandmother over night that day so I can have a little fun.

Oh yea.. I did get some roses sent to my house for V-day from the neighbor up the street. He just doesnt give up. I gotta find a way to stop this. He is a great friend but I just dont want to lead him on. I thought I was clear but apparently I wasnt.

To a great weekend....

A new start

Were to begin. Well I went a looked at the apartment Saturday morning as Friday night did not work out. It is very small and the building is run down. It is basically the attic. But it does have two small bedrooms so my daughter and I could have our own privacy. The landlord is willing to do this on a month to month basis and allow me to take my cat that I have had for 11 years. So my mind is a little more a ease. I am still scared I wont be able to do this on my own but at least I am not trapped in a year lease. So I take the apartment March 1st. Oh I also have to paint the place myself if I want and he will buy the paint. I also have to figure out how to move a 3 story house into a 3 room very small apartment. So that was ok I guess.

Saturday evening I went and saw some of LR's family who I am still close with and friends with. We partied outside since it was nice and then I met up with E and A at bar and continued to have a good time and let off some steam. Sunday I had lunch with my aunt whom I hadnt gotten to spend time with in months. She had my daughter Saturday night which was great as they use to be really close until my aunt got a boyfriend. In case you hadnt guessed they have since split up allowing her time to spend with us again. Which is a win/win in my book cause we are really close.

As for LR there has been no word from him since he told me there was nothing he could do about the checking account he screwed up. I did however hear from his mother who is really pissed off over how is acting and being as a father. She told me he is on a mission to destroy himself. Her and I both agreed this is all just stupid and he needs to straighten himself out. There was something she told me though that struck me the wrong way. She told me to stop being angry...so I thought about it.....How in the hell can I stop being angry when my fucking world has been destroyed? I am losing my home and going to the slum ville in a trailer park neighborhood, my marriage has been destroyed, I have been cheated on, I have a cancer worry, my child lost a father, and I am not getting any support. I think I have a right to be a little pissed off at him and sort of the world. So I say Fuck it I can be mad if I want to right now. I am still being responsible and raising my daughter. Plus I am doing it on my own. I may fail here real soon but I am doing it. I think she meant when I am talking to her about him. But what the hell ever I can be mad at him.

What more can I say? Its what I am right now. If you dont like...I dont care.

Asshat Again

Right before I left work yesterday I checked my messages to see if LR's bank answered my request to take my name of the account. You know the one that is overdrawn by $450.00, the one that he hasnt paid back and is now affecting me. Well yes they did reply and stated that they were sorry that they could not do it until the money is paid back. FUCK! They also stated that since the account has been overdrawn for over 30 days that a notice will go out to all banking institutions to not allow either of us to open a new account or cash our checks. Fuck again! I currently have a account with another bank and have had one for years since things have gone bad with us. I am now afraid my bank is going to freeze my account and money as well as return all the checks I write. I dont understand why he never had my name removed. So I call everyone yesterday trying to find LR. He finally calls me at 7:30 and he is drunk (of course) He says he doesnt know what to do and that he has been trying to do the right thing. Yea right...he is drunk. In my opinion if he can drink he can help support his daughter and pay his bills. So I just went off. Who knows if he will fix this.....Drama I hate it. Even when I leave him and dont see him for months he still screws up my life even more.

As for the apartment I saw last night. All I can say is there is no way in hell that is going to work. It was suppose to be a one bedroom and it wasnt even that. It was also disgusting. So on so many levels I was disappointed yesterday. Shoot yesterday should have been Friday the 13th. I am going to look at another one tonight. This one claims to be a 2 bedroom. I am keeping my fingers crossed.

For the rest of the weekend I have no idea what I am going to do. Maybe it will just be a quiet weekend with no drama at all. Or all hell could break loose.

Confused!

So here is the deal. I am getting a nervous and confused. More like I just dont know what to do. I have called about a apartment that is within the school district of my daughter and is really cheap considering. I told you all about it earlier this week. Here is the problem. I am not sure if its the right thing to do. I really dont have the money for it. I know I can shuffle bills around and make it work "I think". Actually I am just confused and I am nervous. The only other option I have is to move to PA and live with my family who is also in financial distress and are taking care of my 24 year old cousin who is about ready to have heart surgery. So can I really go there???? I JUST DONT FUCKING NO WHAT TO DO!

Man this sucks. I hate the way my life is turning out. And I would really like to just shoot my ex for not helping out at all with his responsibilities.

Ok what do I do????? I go tonight to look at it.

Hump Day

Its good old Wednesday and man has this week just dragged on. I have had a headache for the past two days and it just doesnt seem to want to go away. Not that I am sick or am having bad days its just been this constant ache. I just went and grabbed some extra strength Tylenol and am hoping that works.

LR actually called me Monday evening and surprisingly he was sober. We talked for 25 minutes and didnt yell or fight with one another. That is a record. However I think he has realized what in the hell is happening around him now. He advised me that he got laid off from his job on Thursday. Surprise!! who didnt see that coming. He also said he tried to file his taxes and they advised him he owed to. He was hoping to use his return to move as well. That is why he hasnt moved his stuff because he doesnt have any money or job. Welcome to my world jackass. However I have a job but I am supporting our daughter and paying bills so no money for me. I told him he needs to go file for unemployment then and start looking for job. He advised me that with no phone thats going to be hard. He asked about the phone I was paying for him of course I said hell no. I cant even believe he would ask about that phone. So typical. What in the hell has he done for me???? I didnt tell him child support papers would be arriving any day now. I wanted him to file for the support. That way maybe I had a chance of at least getting a few dollars a month.

As for everything else in my life....well due to the stress my face is breaking out like a 13 year old, I am hating that. But what can you do but chug water and wash your face some more. My daughter is wonderful and I cant wait to go look at that apartment tomorrow night.

Ok I havent done this in awhile but its time for inappropriate comment time. My girlfriend approached me today and said she was going out with her boy toy on Saturday night. He offered to drive but she told him:

"No I want to take my van so we can pull over along side of the road and have sex"

Come on now again I didnt need to know that. The funny part is they are both in there late 30's and live at home. So I guess they gotta get it where they can. But I didnt ask her or bring up this subject. So what the fuck? Quit telling me details about your sex life. Watch on Monday I am going to hear all about it. I gotta work on a nice way to say stop.

Ha ha ha. I tell ya its never boring around here.

Weekend Whirlwind

On Friday I was a little all over the place and not in a good state of mind since talking to the doctor and just over everything that is going on in my crazy ass life. So I went out and maybe I shouldnt have, because I did drink a little to much and I did drive. Before you say it yes it was wrong and should not have happened. I thought I would have a ride and things just didnt work out that way. When I arrived at the place I hang out I should have known the night was going to be crazy because there was a fight and people kicked out before 8:30pm. So because of my attitude and things not working out the way I hoped I went and hung out with E and her friends. Yes E is the girl LR had a affair with and also was the boss's daughter. I have told you all before that we started hanging out and so on. We did end up having a good time. Although her friend was throwing up all over the place. To funny! Who would have guessed we would be talking and hanging out like this.

Here comes the downward side were I started to have a break down. I get up Saturday saying "yea I am getting my taxes done" Thinking this is how I am going to move and put some money in my pocket and start over. Nope!! not at all. I actually owe $1,000 now you tell me what in the hell am I going to do. I thought filing separate and claiming my daughter I would be in the good. However, because I took out my 401k (and yes I took taxes out of that) it threw me into a higher earning tax bracket. So I owe. When I got into the car I literally started to have a mental break down. How in the hell am I going to be able to move? How am I going to be able to afford to pay my taxes? What in the fuck am I going to do? I just couldnt take anymore. Then I am thinking shit LR is suppose to come and move his stuff out so I couldnt even go home and just cry. So I went to pick up my daughter from my step-mom and did cry to her explaining what had happened. God bless her. She took us to lunch and said she would help me with the money. So if I can find a place I can get first months rent and security deposit.

When we got home LR had not been there at all and still hasnt come by. So I am wondering were the "big boy" is and what the hell happened. He doesnt have a phone anymore so did he get fired and realized he couldnt move in with this guy or what? I still havent heard anything.

Sunday I said fuck it. I had to get out of this mood so we had free movie coupons and went to see a movie. While I was out E sent me a text about a apartment that is within the school district and close to were she lives. I called about it today and am going to see it on Thursday. It sounds like a dive but that is really all I can afford. Its a one bedroom so I guess if all goes ok of course my daughter will get the bedroom and I will hit the couch. Ewwhh. But I gotta do what I can. I really hate LR for making shit this difficult for me. If he would help me I wouldnt be a mess right now.

Any way that was my weekend. I am going to keep positive and hope this apartment will be alright and try to think of this is a rough start but still a new start.