TGIF

Well I just heard back from the doctors office. My doctor is not in today so another one returned my call concerning the results of the "loop procedure". It seems I have stage 2 precancerous cells. What happens next??? more hell from what I am hearing. This doctor couldnt tell me exactly because he isnt mine but he said if I was his patient I would be returning every 3 to 4 months for pap smears to make sure it didnt turn into full blown cancer. So more of putting my feet in stirrups and showing my business to the world as they scrap, poke and prod at me. So I am left thinking....how many months can this continue? How many times do I have to go back before I am like every other woman and just have to return once a year? Just my fucking luck. I really dont need this shit along with every thing else that is going on in my life. The worse part is I cant control this and I hate it.

Asshat LR was apparently at the house again last night and took another gun. He is done to having one left. Jesus that man has to desperate he was just there on Tuesday. Also his boss took the phone back from what my daughter has said so there is no direct line to him. Hhhhmmm is he fired now? and does this mean he is still moving on Saturday? I hate not knowing if I have to flee the house tomorrow morning. I am growing more understanding everyday of the thought process people have who hire hit men to take out the X's. (not that I would ever do it, but jesus do I understand why they do)

So on to happier times. I have just a few hours until party time and I really do need to get out and let my hair down and forget about my troubles. I know its only a temporary fix but its sure worth it. My guy friend from up the street just sent me a text asking to take me to dinner and I had to say no. I am afraid that would be considered a date. Why cant everyone just understand that I want a friend right now and not a boyfriend. I just have to many plates in the air. Yes it would be nice to go to dinner but I just dont want him thinking anything else.
Then tomorrow morning I have to get my taxes done and I am praying I get something back to put towards possible rent.

So here is to happy hour and good times this weekend.

CHEERS

Sore as shit

As we all know the east coast got snow and ice. In my area it was more ice than anything. I didnt make it into work yesterday because of it. It took me 2 hours to scrape the sidewalks and dig out my car. I am paying for it today. That is a whole different work out. I am sore as shit and could use a good jacuzzi tub and a nice glass of wine. While I was out there digging shoveling and freezing my ass off "the slut" as I refer to her actually came down with some salt and helped me out. The reason I call her this is she also tried to get with LR while I was with him so what the fuck she was doing helping me out is beyond me. But I will play nice and kill everyone with kindness. Maybe she was just feeling guilty but whatever. I will play this fuck up game and see what she is after.

I did get the annoying phone calls made that have long been overdue to the mortgage company and to a apartment complex in town to see if they had any openings. The apartments are way to expensive. The mortgage company was just a bunch of dumb asses. What part of "I am calling you to tell you I am getting divorced and cant pay the mortgage" dont they fucking understand. I was doing what I thought was right by informing them and seeing what the next step was. Now I am seeing why people destroy the house and then roll the out. They can fall in dog shit to.

As for LR, well he is going to get a wake up call because tonight in my sore state I am going to fill my truck with everything I dont want him taking when he comes back to get his stuff to move out. Also I have a feeling social services will be contacting him soon. Its been 4 weeks since I mailed everything in. So F you LR. Its really sad but I am waiting for him to catch the clap and his dick to hurt when he pees. Thats horrible isnt it?

Anyway its Thursday that means its just one more day until Friday...whoo hoo. Samantha is going to stay with my step-mom so she can play with her niece and do the whole sleep over stuff. So Momma get to play and be a "big girl" as LR says. Ha ha ha. Damn I gotta let off some steam.

Asshat strikes again!

Oh my god what a fucking night and morning I have had. I am emotionally and physically exhausted. OK, so asshat LR spoke to my daughter last night and told her he is moving this weekend. Then says he is stopping by on Saturday to talk to me. So I know right away he isnt coming to talk he is coming to get his shit. I am like what the fuck? Balls up and call me and tell me what in the hell you are doing. I dont want to be there when he shows up with his piece of shit friends etc. Plus dont think you can just come in and take whatever the hell you want.
So I proceed to call him and ask him whats up. It all starts from there. He explains he and this guy have found a 2 bedroom 2 bath apartment really cheap and no security deposit as they know someone. "great" I say "nice to know you have found a place meanwhile you arent helping me and your daughter and I maybe homeless". He goes on and on about how this is what I wanted and I wanted to be a big girl and because of that I can take care of her on my own....etc etc. Are you fucking kidding me???? He also said the best line I ever heard. He says these woman who are now talking to me about there experience with him and how he is on drugs etc that they are just lying to me because they are just jealous that they arent getting with him. HA HA HA I cant believe he said that. Best asshat line of the year.

I am in just disbelief that he can act like this. I paid his car insurance for two months and I carry his health insurance which if I didnt I would save allot of money. I also take care of our daughter every day. He doesnt take her except for a couple hours here and there. For him to treat me this way after all these years is just unbelievable.

He also went to the house today and took more things to pawn so he could get more money. You would have thought he would have spent a few hours with our daughter as there is no school today due to snow. No, he was there for 1 hour. His day will come. I wish for stupid things on him. For example it would be great if he fell in dog shit. Or he would be standing in line somewhere and have massive shit pains and cant make it to a bathroom and he ends up shitting himself. Nothing to hurt him but just to make him feel like a asshole.

I need to go work out tonight maybe I will feel better about myself then. Yea a good workout and then to bed. Ahhhhh

A weekend of chillin out

For the first time in a long time so speak I had a weekend of just chilling out at home with my daughter. I very much enjoyed it. I did have to work on Saturday morning but Friday night and Saturday night we were home. I did go and visit a friend Saturday afternoon and see her own home that they just bought. The whole time I was shaking my head because a year ago they got foreclosed on. So in a way it made me a little hopeful on my credit situation because god damn my credit has gone to shit. Sunday we just hit the movie store and subway and had a movie day. It was absolutely wonderful.

With that being said there was a little drama with LR. Apparently when my daughter called on Saturday to give him her new cell phone number he asked her if she wanted to be picked up and taken back to where he is staying with his Aunt and spend the day. She told him no...well actually she had me tell him no because she didnt want to tell him herself. I was very thankful that she didnt want to go. I do not mind him spending time with her however I do not want him taking her back to his place. His aunt and him are both on drugs and I dont want her around that. You would think he wouldnt but with his frame of mind who the fuck knows what he is thinking. In the end he got pissy with me and told me that yes she told him she didnt really want to go as well and that she just needs to call him when she does. Really mature LR, really fucking mature to tell a 12 year old. ASSHAT.

On this weeks agenda I have to make all kinds of calls as it seems I have to be the adult here. I have to call the mortgage company and explain the situation and see how much time I have at the house. Then its on to the bank to see if I can refinance my car loan and make that cheaper and then the insurance company. So lots of fun for me plus I get my test results this week. Keep your fingers crossed on that one. Mainly its going to be stressful.

I can do this....yes I can. Thats the motto I have to live by.

Emotional overload

This week so far as been a little overloaded with emotions. I have gone from a great happy cheerful to crying, mad and now I am not sure how to feel.

Tuesday LR came to house and took some things. First this fucking pisses me off that he can come to the house while I am at work and rummage thru my stuff. I can tell as my drawers were open etc. He took my change, jar and all. Took all of our movies. Thank goodness not my daughters. 3 of his guns and meat from the freezer. The best part about the movies is mostly we had all the DVD's in a CD case for easy storage. However some were lined up on top of the TV in there cases. He actually went thru those took out the movies and put the cases back on top of the TV. Duhhh fucker think I wouldnt notice?? Thats what I have figured out so far. All of this he can pawn and make money for his drugs and booze. What a low life asshat he has become.

On Wednesday I had my appointment with the doctors to take parts of my cervix to test for cancer. I think I have spoken of this before. This was a humiliating and painful experience. I didnt know you had to literally put a grounding pad under my ass check so that I didnt get electrocuted. The rod they use to get sections of my cervix has electricity running thru it. What the fuck??? How barbaric is that??? In 7 to 10 days I should have the results. I left there completely crying and mad all at the same time. But it is done thank god.

My life just seems to never end with the drama. I ask myself what I did to have this karma bought upon me. I have lost my marriage, my health and now I am losing my home. I will get it all back. (except the marriage because fuck him) This weekend though I feel like something wonderful has to happen. Especially after the week I have had. So Cheers!!!!

Weekend BS

Well lets start with my Friday night. I didnt do much just kicked it around the house with my daughter, I knew I had to work on Saturday morning to get OT so that was ok with me. I wish I could have gone to the bar because they had a DJ there and everyone I usually hang with was there. But I guess the responsible parent (duh thats me) keep it together and did the right thing. A old girlfriend of mine sent me a text that night asking me what I was doing the next night (Saturday) I was a little taken a back by this as we havent talked in a couple years as friends. She got a little pissed when I hooked up with a guy who was staying at her house for awhile. I still dont understand this as she is married and this shouldnt have bothered here. But for some reason and I dont know why but man did she ever get pissed. I am thinking its because she liked him. This all occurred when LR and I were split up for that year. Anyway we also work together but thankfully not in the same area. We didnt talk for almost a year and just recently we have been cordial with the hello's etc. We do not speak of the guy at all. So anyway I sent her a message back stating I wasnt doing anything and why was she asking. She wanted me to go to a bar that we all use to go to for Karoke. I was shocked and very curious. So anyone who knows me knows I cant I had to say yes. I had to know what she was up to.

Ok so now for Saturday. LR came and picked up our daughter while I was at work and spent exactly 3 hours and 45 min with her. Whoo hoo father of the fucking year again. Amazing I dont know how he does it. But at least she got to see him. Plus he did leave his share of the car insurance on the table. I had him drop her off at my uncles cause I stopped there to visit and see her for awhile before I went out. So night time hits and dinner with the family is over and out I go for this adventure. Basically she didnt say much to me while I was there so I cant figure out why she asked me to come in there. However it was good to see some friendly faces that I havent seen in awhile. My x boyfriend was in there and we hung out for awhile and caught up. He ended up calling me at 11:30 last night but I didnt answer, I hope he isnt thinking about trying to get back together. He had to many issues and lives in the bars. One of the reasons I got rid of my husband. At the time I was seeing him it was perfect because I needed to party and drink away my sorrows. This time its different though and I am not looking for that. Although the sex was good. Hhhhhmmm maybe a booty call may be in order. Nah.. I am just kidding. That was it for Saturday night.

Sunday I just stayed in bed. I was tired as hell and ate some bad lunch meat and ended up throwing up around 4pm. So I was in bed and out by 8pm.

Tonight I dont have my daughter so I may go hit a happy hour. I hate going home to a empty house. I am just not use to it. LR's mom has her and she is having fun since there is no school. So I am happy for her but sad for myself. Maybe I can hook up with the x and get that booty call. HA HA HA HA

TTFN

Asshat defininition

For those of you who need the defininition of asshat. I use it often lately and love it. Taken from urban dictionary


ass-hat
196 up, 57 down
A general term for someone who carries out actions with such stupidity that they might as well wear their ass as a hat.

Pete begins looking for his sunglasses, unknowing to the fact that they are on his head. He asks Ed where his glasses are. Ed takes them off his head saying, "You are such a fucking ass-hat."

or


ass-hat
114 up, 117 down
Someone so incredibly stupid and/or ignorant that everything above their waist is useless; i.e. a hat for their ass.

"That ass-hat just switched across three lanes of superhighway! Augh!"

Ready for this day to end!

All was quiet and calm until LR decided to call this morning. Ugghhhh. What a asshat. (yea I know asshat, it's kinda a word I like now) I havent spoken to him since the 4th and he called today. He was saying his last check only had 17 hours on it and how he doesnt have any money. That he hasnt smoked in two days because of it blah blah blah. I started to lose it. I told him dont cry to me about your finances now. I explained that I have been making it alone and taking care of our daughter, paying his medical and car insurance with no help from him. I said I dont feel sorry for you at all that for months he blew money and didnt pay his bills, instead he partied and did drugs. Now his work has cut him down to 3 days a week. Karma is a bitch I told him. He proceeded to tell me that he didnt start all of this that I did. WHAT THE FUCK!!!
He did say he was going to give me his 1/2 of the car insurance money so that is great. The best part is he still doesnt know that I filed for support so he is really going to lose his mind when he does. So lets hope he does get me that money for insurance.

I dont know why I let him get me all upset. I shouldnt and I know it. I know I didnt do anything wrong. But it just pisses me off when he doesnt stand up and take some responsibility for what he has caused. I just want to go out and let loose and be around my friends tonight. I hope I can make that happen. However I do have to come to work and get some over time in tomorrow. I can do it!!!!! I have to keep telling myself that. ok....I can do it with a hangover. LOL

Now time for the quote of the day from the TMI friend....

Friend: "Yea I told John Doe last night that he needs to install knee pads for me cause damn my knees are getting tore up"

Me: "Ugghhh, again Jane TMI"

Friend: "ha ha ha"

Seasons

On the radio today I was listening to a discussion on seasons. It was if you liked them or not. It got me thinking, I have never lived in Florida or California, basically someplace that is warm all the time without the 4 seasons. I am not sure how I would react. I hate snow and the cold but I just dont think it would be the same. Shoot Christmas and its 80 degrees? I love Spring when you see everything coming back to life and it always seems to have this wonderful "new" smell. Then you have fall. The leaves are changing colors and everything is crisp and beautiful. So I guess I really wouldnt give it up.

Its funny my life seems to be moving along right with the seasons. My marriage started failing in the fall when everything seemed to be dying and here it is winter and its getting rough with losing the house and LR not supporting his daughter and all the lies have come to the surface. By spring I hope to have a new chapter started and moved (hopefully to my own place and LR paying support). Then you have summer when the worse should be behind me and I want to be at my happiest point. Funny how this has played out.

I seem to be doing alright this week. Things are calm and quiet at that moment. Good thing is I havent spoken to or seen LR since the 4th when I blew up at him. I dont want to know how he is doing or where he is at. I just want him to take responsibility for his daughter. I spoke to his mother last night and she acted like we speak all the time and was kinda taken back when I said "no we do not talk". I mean come on "Hello" I dont want to be his friend after all of this shit. Who would want to be his friend? I know she wants him to come back home and all be hunky dory but that aint gonna happen. F-That!

Ok - so now on to the friend that gives me TMI (to much information). I have to tell you all because shit she tells me and I cant stand it. Today she approaches me and says:

Friend : "guess what I told John Doe last night?"

Me: "what did you tell John Doe?"

Friend: " That if we keep on fucking like this and we do it every night I wonder how many calories we will burn"

Me: "why in the hell do you tell me these things?"

I mean come on now. Do I really need to know this shit? And by the way if I every say TMI to anyone please smack the piss out of me please. Its really a mental image I do not need.

More inapropriate Shit

So I am going to continue from a earlier post. My friend approaches me again and continues talking about her and her boyfriend. She tells me about how she gives him oral and how her knees hurt and then about how he wants her to get a bulls eye tattooed on her ass. Come the hell on now. What the fuck am I suppose to say to that????? I continue to tell her that is TMI but she just doesnt get it. I am all full the casual comment of "hay I got some great sex last night" but I dont need the added details. Any help in this area would be greatly appreciated.

As for LR we are on day number 13th since he has talked to his daughter. To be fair he left her a message on Saturday and then she left him a message at the number he gave her, but she hasnt heard back. He is also still negative in his bank account. This leads me to believe that the loser really did lose his job. No work phone and no paycheck put in the account what would you think???? Unless he isnt going to pay the bank back and he is being like the rest of the worthless assholes and getting his check cashed at a liquor store. Its still amazing to me how much he has changed. But I have learned I cant worry about him. I have to focus on myself and my daughter from now on.

So I have a dentist appointment today and I cant stand it. I am very much the type of person that noise bother me. For example I cant stand the sound that mac and cheese makes when you stir it. It makes me wanna gag and throw up. So the noises at the dentist really drive me crazy. The scrapping of your teeth to get the tartar off and the drill. I start to sweat. This is going to be torture. I hate people with bad teeth so I suffer thru it.

Wish me luck.....with the dentist and my friend LOL

Nothing New/Boring

So this past weekend was actually pretty boring for me and I kinda made it that way. I was asked out by two men and I should of said yes to one of them. However I am just not wanting any more drama in my life right now. Also the weather was kind of shitty around here and I didnt want to take the chance when it was the time for me to head home. So it was me and my cat at home on a Saturday night asleep by 9pm.

How fucking pathetic has my life become. My daughter had a better weekend than I did as she was staying away that night. And my dumb ass for a X is running 3 woman. Me I am home along snuggled up with my cat. Kinda just makes me sit back and laugh at what my life has become.

Shit I just dont know what else to say except for "Yep this life of my mine sure does suck at the moment".

It has to get better sometime soon right?

I grew balls via beer

I did it....I got together all the paper work required by social services to file for child support. The worse part is I had to have a few beers to balls up and actually mail it. Why you may ask did I have to get the beer courage to mail it? Well there are several reasons...

1) This is really going to piss off LR

2) What is LR capable of doing in retaliation?

3) Is he going to take my daughter?

4) Is he going to take things from the house while I am at work?

5) or worse...

The list can just go on and on. The asshole needs to support his daughter and take some responsibility. So I mailed it with a little help from Coors Light. All I can do now is just sit back and wait for world war three to begin. I heard it can take up to six weeks to process and for him to be notified. I hope I am not kicked out of my home before then.

I am waiting on a miracle and hope that it comes soon. My horoscope for today looks promising. I know I am not suppose to believe in them but you can always hope.

On a different note I need to do a little bitching about friends....what do you do when a tells you just way to much information about shit you do not want to know? For example I have a best girlfriend that proceeded to tell me about her and her boyfriend having sex. Not a big deal all woman and men talk about if the "got some" or not. However she went into detail about where his cum ended up. Ewwhhh gross! I didnt need that mental image. So what do you fucking say to that statement? I just had to walk away. I couldnt believe it.

Thank goodness this week is almost over. Cheers!

Ughhhhh!!!

Not really sure how I am feeling today. But its much like the title of this entry. Ugghhhh. I really hate LR right now, but on the other hand I know its his addictions that is causing all of this behavior. So do you feel sorry for him or just have this hatred?

I am choosing to just write him out of my life as much as possible. He is making me do everything on my own anyway and rarely sees our daughter. So I will continue with child support so when he does work the money I receive will come straight from his paycheck and I wont have to see him. I am also going to start packing and working on getting out of the house and have my ducks in a row when the foreclosure goes down on the house.

With all I have to do I lean more towards hatred for the man. This is definitely the last straw I cant get back with him and his sickness. I believe there is way to much water on the bridge. Matter of fact with all the woman, drugs and alchol I have to. I am just worried where he will end up. He is my daughter father.

I have been going thru this for 18 years. But thru this current off and on craziness 3 years where we have been splitting up. I am ready to find a really good guy and learn what a normal relationship is like. I think I deserve it. Not wanting to move in and get married but I just want a normal dating relationship. Someone to share things with and experience life with.

So come on guardian angel where are you?

The stress is crippling

Yes I realize it has been a eternity since I have last blogged. However after you hear how my holidays have been you will quickly understand. I am very happy they are over and done with. There is so much to tell and I really dont know where to begin.

My Christmas I spent crying, it started with LR coming over in the morning to watch our daughter open presents. I was ok with this as I knew it would make her happy. He did come in with a attitude. I tried to make him breakfast so he could eat with us and the comment was made that he didnt want to eat my food. What a ass. He only stayed 2 hours exactly. I asked him if he was going to his families and he said NO that me and our daughter were his family and then he started to cry when he got up and walked out the door. So I became upset and actually believed that maybe all this time he has been telling the truth. That he hasnt been with anyone and really wants us back. So I spent the time from Christmas to the New year all upset and locked up in the house. What a waste......

New Years day around 9pm comes the text message. From whom you ask, the woman I have been accusing LR of sleeping with this whole time. In a nutt shell she tells me that she has been staying with LR since he has moved out at his Aunts house and that he has been blowing money on booze and drugs. I assumed all of this but it was nice to have it confirmed. Now you maybe wondering why she is telling me this. Well she hasnt heard from him since the day after Christmas and she finally ran into him New Years Eve at a bar. He walked in with another woman and her parents. She also found out about another woman he was with as well. So he cant even stay faith full with the woman he cheats on me with. I just dont understand how he can cry to me and lie right to my face.

Yesterday I called him to confront him and basically ask for child support and let him know the car insurance is due. His response was he will be giving me no money or help with house. He says he isnt going to make this easy for me. Like I was the cheater and I was the one who did something wrong in this marriage. If he was to stand in front of me I think I would kill him. He isnt hurting me he is hurting our daughter. Because now I am going to have to move to lord knows where and she is going to have to give up her room and her school all over again. So I have to go to social services. From what I have heard he hasnt been to work either. So I hope he still has a job.

Here comes the best part of these past couple weeks. On Friday I got a letter from the doctors office I now have to go in for my 3rd test in a series to see if I have cervical cancer. Thats right the big C. Worse part is with the new insurance this year I have a 400.00 deductible. This test/surgery in a couple weeks will take all of that. However I dont have 400.00. If I did I would get a lawyer on LR.

My feelings are all over the place right now. Its kinda like my whole life has been a lie. I dont know what things LR has ever said to me has been the truth. Kinda like I am living a nightmare.
I just know I have to get my ass in gear and get thru this without a breakdown or becoming a drunk. This is hard all by yourself and raising a daughter. I so wish the support and companionship of a man. I really wish I never gave LR another shot.

Here is to another week.