The stress is crippling

Yes I realize it has been a eternity since I have last blogged. However after you hear how my holidays have been you will quickly understand. I am very happy they are over and done with. There is so much to tell and I really dont know where to begin.

My Christmas I spent crying, it started with LR coming over in the morning to watch our daughter open presents. I was ok with this as I knew it would make her happy. He did come in with a attitude. I tried to make him breakfast so he could eat with us and the comment was made that he didnt want to eat my food. What a ass. He only stayed 2 hours exactly. I asked him if he was going to his families and he said NO that me and our daughter were his family and then he started to cry when he got up and walked out the door. So I became upset and actually believed that maybe all this time he has been telling the truth. That he hasnt been with anyone and really wants us back. So I spent the time from Christmas to the New year all upset and locked up in the house. What a waste......

New Years day around 9pm comes the text message. From whom you ask, the woman I have been accusing LR of sleeping with this whole time. In a nutt shell she tells me that she has been staying with LR since he has moved out at his Aunts house and that he has been blowing money on booze and drugs. I assumed all of this but it was nice to have it confirmed. Now you maybe wondering why she is telling me this. Well she hasnt heard from him since the day after Christmas and she finally ran into him New Years Eve at a bar. He walked in with another woman and her parents. She also found out about another woman he was with as well. So he cant even stay faith full with the woman he cheats on me with. I just dont understand how he can cry to me and lie right to my face.

Yesterday I called him to confront him and basically ask for child support and let him know the car insurance is due. His response was he will be giving me no money or help with house. He says he isnt going to make this easy for me. Like I was the cheater and I was the one who did something wrong in this marriage. If he was to stand in front of me I think I would kill him. He isnt hurting me he is hurting our daughter. Because now I am going to have to move to lord knows where and she is going to have to give up her room and her school all over again. So I have to go to social services. From what I have heard he hasnt been to work either. So I hope he still has a job.

Here comes the best part of these past couple weeks. On Friday I got a letter from the doctors office I now have to go in for my 3rd test in a series to see if I have cervical cancer. Thats right the big C. Worse part is with the new insurance this year I have a 400.00 deductible. This test/surgery in a couple weeks will take all of that. However I dont have 400.00. If I did I would get a lawyer on LR.

My feelings are all over the place right now. Its kinda like my whole life has been a lie. I dont know what things LR has ever said to me has been the truth. Kinda like I am living a nightmare.
I just know I have to get my ass in gear and get thru this without a breakdown or becoming a drunk. This is hard all by yourself and raising a daughter. I so wish the support and companionship of a man. I really wish I never gave LR another shot.

Here is to another week.