The other woman

So much has happened. I am really not sure where to begin. First off LR of course went out Friday night. I knew he must be seeing the other woman (the one he had his last affair on me with) as I knew he went and saw her at the bar the other weekend and that she had called him. The tip off was he took his work phone. This he never does. I pay for his personal cell and can check the records. So he comes in around 2am and of course passes out. I check the work phone and sure enough they were talking on it proving me right. That this was more than him just stopping in the bar and leaving once she got there. That was the story a couple weeks ago.

Saturday rolls around and I say F it and head out for a beer when I got off work. LR had taken our daughter to his sisters for the day. Not sure what made him do that he never does anything with her. But anyhow I headed to the bar where my x boyfriend was to tell him that I was sorry for LR coming in there from time to time starting crap with him. He was ok and understood. It was good to see old friends from in there. However I was advised that when LR was in there he had been hitting on one of my old girlfriends. He didnt know I knew her. She told him to go F himself and I died laughing. It obvious at this point that me telling him it was over is for the best. Later that evening I guess LR had enough of our daughter and he himself wanted to go out. So I was home by 8 because lord knows the drama it would cause if I didnt. At 2am again he arrives home, except this time he climbs into my bed and starts the old line of how he loves me and he hasnt done anything wrong etc. I tell him to get out of my bed that he you dont be with another woman and then climb into bed with me. GROSS. He calls me crazy and finally goes away after a half hour.

My next step as I lay there pissed is to send a text message to the other woman. Long story short her and I are now on speaking terms. It seems he did go in there and ask for her back and even told her new boyfriend that he would get her back. She said her speaking to him has been to tell him to F off and go home. She also advised me that on Saturday after she cussed him out he went to another bar and tried to pick up a 22 year old. He is a mess. He has still been wearing his wedding ring around me to make it seem like he wants us back but I have also been advised he takes it off as soon as he leaves the house.

I confront him Sunday morning and show him the text messages. He says she is lying about everything and he doesnt even know what her boyfriend looks like and he wasnt in there this weekend and that I am crazy etc. However yesterday he finally admitted he did go in there but never asked her back. I believe her because everything she is saying he has at one point said and done to me.

Yesterday the other woman sent me another text saying my wonderful sister in law has poked her nose in this and has contacted her and they are suppose to go have drinks. Wonder what will come of that. Who needs enemies when I married into a family like this. Lying, sneaking, playing both sides bastards.

Will it never end?

The story of my life just never ends.

My husbands father is currently residing in Virginia. Very close to Tennessee. He has no job and hasn't had one really in over a year. He gets one and it doesn't last. He is also a drunk with 2 failed marriages and now this relationship where within 3 weeks of finding this girl through a private detective. (she was a old girlfriend from middle school he swears she is the love of his life) He quits his job and moves down there to be with her. DUH it isn't working out. He has come back up here I know 5 times within this year. He states she is crazy and she has thrown him out. He keeps going back down there. When he is here its miserable. He doesn't look for a job he has run up phone bills by calling her and it just sucks. The drinking etc. Anyway last night I heard my husband (I will now call him LR) talking on the phone to him and all be damn it sounds like he is coming back up here...again. He use to stay upstairs well since LR and I have split up that is where I am staying. So this should be interesting. I don't have the money to feed that man and the other extras like bathroom items and so on. I pay for all of that. I am not certain that this is happening I just over heard a phone conversation. God I hope I am wrong. That's all I need is the two of them drunk and sitting around woman bashing.

Lets keep the fingers crossed he picks some other place to go.

I love old people

Last night after I was done with dinner and the usual errands and cleaning up around the house I was sitting on my porch and enjoying the quiet. I live in a very small neighborhood out in the middle of no where. Across the street is a older gentleman who I just adore. He must be in his eighties and he lost his wife a couple years ago. His daughter does live next door with her husband and a couple kids. (more about her later) Any how I got to thinking as I watching him putter around his yard and looking busy. What I am going to be like at that age? Where I am going to be living? Will I be happy? and will I have done everything I want to do? To me he genuinely looks happy. Sometimes a little lonely but he keeps busy. His daughter in my eyes doesn't do enough for him and that irritate me. He mow es her yard and even gets her mail and takes her kids places. She literally does nothing. She will admit that she is lazy. Since I lost my parents I really hate to see people treat there parents like that. Any how the old man really got me wanting to get my crap together and start being happy. I am in my early 30's and I want to find myself and stop all the drama that I have seemed to fall into to. I don't think its to much to ask I think I have put my time in and you cant say I haven't tried.

When I was in middle school and early high school I volunteered at a retirement home maybe I can even start that back up. I love there stories and advise. They also know what they are talking about. I need advice anyway I can get it these days.

Thank Goodness

Last night actually went well. No we didn't get back together. But I was able to get some of the cleaning done that you usually don't get to. Like the ceiling fans, fridge, and light fixtures. I also made dinner and did a couple loads of clothes. It was nice to work out some aggravation. But boy when I was finished did I die. I worked all day plus did all that and helped my daughter with school work.

When the husband came home I was hoping he wouldn't start in on the arguing. He didn't he saw that I was busy and just got dinner and went to his part of the house. So thank goodness. I was able to do all that then head upstairs and crash.

So I am rested today and got out some built up energy. I have some more things to do this evening like pulling weeds and cleaning up around the yard so I have that to look forward to. Working 6 days a week you have to do what you can in the evenings. I am already thinking about Christmas shopping and the heating bills and am freaking out. I will never be able to live on my own if I have to keep paying for this stuff. (maybe that's what he is thinking) A good way to trap me. I can only hope not. Anyway I am really tired of my credit card companies calling me because of course I cant pay them because I have to pay the essential bills like food, electric, gas and car payment. I still see the mortgage bill sitting on the table. That just makes my stomach hurt. BLAH!!!!

On a lighter note there is a great concert coming up and not far from home so I am trying to get a bunch of friends together to go. Its in the streets of a town close by and you can drink and eat and have a ball. Gotta do something to treat myself. If I don't who will??? Besides I haven't gone out in awhile and gone crazy. That will be in the end of October so I have awhile to put a few dollars away.

Whats good for the goose is sometimes within reason good for the gander. Just do it responsibly!!

He says it's all me....

Yep nothing changed this weekend. He went out Saturday night and spent all day Sunday out bar hoping on the bike. Saturday night he went out but proceeded to call me at 1:30 am in his drunken stupor on his way home saying we needed to talk. He just wont get it that this is part of our problem. I hate the drunk talk and stumbling in that late. We got nothing resolved but arguing that night. Sunday was pretty much a re-run except he says I am looking for a excuse to leave and that I party to blah blah blah. He even went so far as to go to my uncles house yesterday and tell him his side and how crazy and stupid I am being. (I am still trying to get the story from my uncle. Haven't been able to reach him) I have explained his antics in past blogs. All of that has led up to this.

Maybe I am crazy and stupid but I don't think so. Damn I don't know what I am going to do. I don't want this to get ugly but every time he comes home he just wont leave me alone. That is all I want until I can get myself and daughter out of there.

This is also affecting my daughter. I caught a letter she wrote the other day saying she hated her life because of the fighting and that he father and I quote "is a drunk retard" . I know I have to get out quick but its kinda hard with no real family close by that can help and no money.

The plus to this weekend was yesterday I got to spend some really good time with my kid. I took her to lunch and she had gift cards from her b-day that I took her around to spend. She really is the best thing in my life. I love her so much. Thank god for her.

Whats to come?

All is quiet around the house and nothing really has changed. I am still staying upstairs while he is downstairs. I am sitting and wondering what will this weekend bring. Will he run right back to her like before? Shoot he ran back to her last Friday...what am I thinking. Wonder if he will return there this weekend. If he does all I can say is keep it away from my daughter this time.

So I will be working again this weekend trying to pay bills and put some away to move out. If I can we are so far behind on bills this being room-mate things could take awhile.

I will sign off for now and hopefully fill you all in tomorrow on the drama that occurs on his official first night of being single on a non work night. Me I will have our daughter and doing the pizza and video thing since I have to get up early for work. Hopefully he will be home by morning before I leave for work.

I did it!

After this past weekend and everything that has happened I sat and I thought how can I continue to be with someone who is suppose to love me and be my best friend but continues to do things that he knows will hurt me. I cant trust him, he does whatever he wants to and yet thinks still today that he did nothing wrong and that I am just being stupid and crazy and looking for reasons to leave the relationship.

So on Tuesday evening I told him he is a free man and that I cant do this anymore. I explained to him what I have been thinking and he still doesnt think he is wrong. Maybe it is me but I dont want a relationship like this one anymore. The unfortunate things is we are going to have to continue to live in the same house for awhile as neither one of us has the money to move on or a place. So I am upstairs and he is downstairs. It will be interesting to see how this works out. I know it will be hard but at least for my heart I knew I let him go and that he can do whatever he wants to now and I wont be the dumb wife sitting at home and getting hurt. So I will do my thing from now on as well and not worry about what he is doing and how come he isnt with us.

I know I have plenty of places to run and stay on the weekends so hopefully in the end this is going to be for the best. I will still worry about when I will get the next emergency room call or DWI call but I cant seem to help him. Whats that old saying "if you love something let it go" Well I did it.

Being told I am crazy

So I go home last night and the only thing he can say is that I am crazy and nothing happened. Not that he saw anything wrong with what he did this weekend. But proceeded to tell me that he is a adult and shouldnt have to tell me everything. He comes home and tells me some things but on purpose doesnt tell me most of it. To me that is sneaky. I told him that he isnt marriage material and he isnt ready for any kind of a relationship. What we have and the way he is acting is not what I want. I also dont consider it normal. So am I in the wrong and crazy???
Who knows what is going to happen now. I just walked away and havent spoken to him since. I stayed on the couch.

I need to find the definition of crazy.....

HERE WE GO AGAIN!!!

Well here we go again. This must have been a weekend from hell. My husband was a drunk mess for most of the weekend. Spending money on booze that we don't have. The topping on the cake is when I found that we are two close to three weeks into the month and he still hasn't paid the mortgage.

He went out Friday, Saturday and Sunday. He didn't arrive home until 3:30 am Sunday morning and then turned around and was back out Sunday. This time on his motorcycle. Yes drinking and driving. He will never learn 2 DWI's and a bad motorcycle wreck just last year. He knew I was furious Sunday morning and I will admit I had to leave for awhile to calm down. I went to my cousins house and chilled out for awhile only to find that he was gone on the bike. Saturday I found he was someplace he lied about. Then to my not so much surprise when I checked the cell phone records he is speaking to and sought out the girl he cheated on me with.

I am furious. He went to a bar that she goes to all the time. We are talking every weekend. So he knew she would be there. He says he left as soon as she came in. So why is she calling him and texting him now. Plus why would he go there knowing she is in there all the time if he didn't want to see her. I don't believe him. This was Friday....pretty funny the next day after talking to her on the phone he is out until 3:30 in the morning. I told him to get out and give me time to find a place for my daughter and myself to live. (I don't know how I am going to do that) He tells me I am being crazy that it was nothing. I just don't know anymore. I know he wont leave and give me this time.

I am exhausted over the drinking and deceit. I wish someone would give the answers. He is making me nuts. Literally. A wonderful Monday huh?

Just Rambling

Like I said yesterday I have just been really stressed out over the past two weeks. With money issues, marriage, and extended family I have had about more than enough I can take.

I spoke to my uncle on Sunday about his drinking problem and I am hoping it all sunk in. My husband (shocker) ran into him at a bar on Saturday night and things got out of hand. Then also on Sunday I had to deal with the remaining family and my husbands sister lies way to much even about things you don't even ask her about. She will start a conversation with you that contains a lie. I really hate liars. But then she wanted to start a fight between my husband and myself. I guess misery loves company right. Because she sure as hell has a messed up relationship. She is between two guys right now and has 4 kids my 3 different men and we really aren't sure who the father is of her 3 month old. We know its between these two guys though. What a mess.

That is just some of the drama. I would be here all day explaining the rest. The topper was yesterday when I am sure my husband thought I was home. However I stayed over working OT and I was headed home and stopped to get gas. Well who would drive by in a area that is out of his way for him to head home. Yep its my husband headed in the direction towards the bar or lord knows where. He quickly pulled in and acted like he needed gas. This has to be a lie because he passes tons of stores on his way home but he wanted me to believe he had to go out of his way. He did go home after that. But I am left wondering what would of happened if he didn't see me??????

He has been very weird over the past few days. There has be no touching and he make it a point no to. Like there is some line drawn down the bed now. And he use to take up the whole bed. Cant wait to see where this goes. I have been making it a point not to burden him with all my stress and keep it to myself. I go above and beyond and don't ask him to do anything for me around the house. I mow the lawn, cook dinner, do the shopping, clean the house, do laundry, work OT and have been paying extra bills, and make his lunch every morning. All so he doesn't get stressed out so the drinking doesn't get any worse. Also so he doesn't use it as a excuse to run to the bars. So who the hell knows what is going on. I really tried last night to kiss him and hold him and I received nothing.

But I will continue and see where this road will lead me. At least I can say I tried right??

Dram

I realize I have written in a few days but it just seems that the more you try to make things right drama will find you no matter what. I also have found that the family will also stir the pot and ad more drama just to take the spot light off of them. You know the old saying who needs enemies with friends and family like that. It amazing how hateful people are.

I am just stressed out and plain tired. I just want to run to the bed and pull the blankets over my head for a few day.

Promise to write more late....

History

Here is my history and why I am worried about my own self and wishing and hoping for some form of normalcy in my life. My parents were married and never really had a good relationship. They loved each other but just couldn't seem to live together. (sounds like my marriage) My father ended up being bi-polar and was also a drinker. They were back and forth so many times and it was violent. My mom and I ran a couple time to shelters. That was a experience. So my parents were off and on until I was 12 or 13. So it was just my mom and myself. I never really saw my dad after that much or got along with him.

My uncle whom I was very close to die about this same time in a car accident this really destroyed me, between my aunt and him they were my safe haven. So money was tight with my mom and I and I had to work at 15 to get the things I wanted. At 17 my mother died in a car accident. Again losing my life line as my mother was more than my mom she was my best friend.

I was forced to live with my dad for the next 6 months until I turned 18. At the beginning this sucked but ended up being the best thing as I got to know him and he and I ended up really getting along and being friends and learned I could count on him.

Once I turned 18 I moved in with who is now my husband. This starts the whole other section of drama, drinking, cheating etc. in my life. When I was 22 my father committed suicide on Christmas eve. Yep, my daughter was 1 and I was left again. So from that point on I do not have any immediate family within a hour of me and that really isn't allot as most of them live in Florida and I am up north.

Since then I just move forward trying to give my daughter the life I didn't have. The drama is everywhere though. I think I don't leave my husband because that really is the only family I think I have now. They have been wonderful to me despite the drama that follows. I do love those crazy bastards but man its not healthy mentally.

There are more stories to tell but there just isn't enough space or time. Just wanted to vent and really see how screwed up I should be. I think my daughter keeps me sane and busy so I don't think about all the bad to much. I love that girl.

Best wishes for the weekend and hope everyone stays sane and no drama.

Realization

The title of the post is realization because I am finding more and more that my husbands family will state to me that he really needs to quit drinking and will say " I don't know how you deal with this" and state scary things that I already am aware of. Things like he is going to kill someone or him self and he is going to wind up in jail, again. I know all of these things and don't get me wrong I have my moments were I party it up to much. But not to the extreme and frequency that he does. The realization part is that they really are not here to help the problem. They say it but yet they are the ones doing the partying and supplying the booze. For example it was my daughters b-day yesterday and what does his mother do but stop by with a 18 pack of beer. And fathers day she bought him a case. His Dad before he moved was his number one drinking buddy. His sister has been the one over the past couple months of Sundays who supplied him with the beer and drank with him. So what am I to do? I feel like I am fighting this war all alone.

I have this fairy tale that this will all end and we will have this perfect marriage were he will want to do normal things with us that does not include drinking. I am taking my daughter and a couple of her friends out to lunch and to paint pottery this Saturday and I know he will not come. Why because its not a bar and he cant drink. His philosophy is he works hard all week and weekend is for play.

I realize I am bitching allot and I need to look for things to be grateful for and that things could always be worse. But man between our money situation, the over time I am trying to put in and the bill collectors calling and the drinking and accusations that come from him while he is drinking its becoming to be allot on my shoulders I am stressed out. I am trying to keep in under wraps and still not lose it. I feel like I am in a play and I am trying to make it perfect when the set is made out of cheap materials that are going to break and fall at any minute.

I also realize that I come from a very dysfunctional family myself and I now know why I have married into this one. Because I didn't know any different. The older I become the more I understand this is all wrong. I will have to save that story for tomorrows blog maybe then you will understand more why I am afraid of falling apart.

Till tomorrow!!

Weekend Comments

Lets see it was a long weekend and I am trying to remember it all. It actually wasnt as bad as I thought it would be with the drama. Sure there was some and it wouldnt be a weekend without it. I dealt with the same crap from the man. However this time its almost funny. He accused me of cheating because he found some matches in the house from a place we have never been and is sure its from where I meet up with my boyfriend. Then he adds in that he knows I hate him. He just wont get it that my frustration and pulling away from him is all from his drinking. We did go to a couple cook outs. One on Sunday at a friends house where we meet some new people that were pretty nice and one monday at my in laws. Where of course there is always drama with my sister in law but at least that does not affect me directly but it is getting pretty old with her as well. It seems to run in that family.

My daughter was happy because we were kept pretty busy all weekend long. She is having a birthday tomorrow so she is getting excited. I am worried because we are having her party this weekend and its suppose to rain. Boy do I hope the weather changes for her sake.

Not so funny story is a broke my toe on Monday morning and its hurting like hell. I know its useless to go to the hospital because they wont do anything for it. So I am limping around work and dreading every time I have to get up. Thinking what did I do wrong for karma to creep up on me like this. :( Time I am sure will tell. I strongly believe in karma.