Last day for awhile

This will be my last post for the next week. I am off to pack, move, paint and clean. I am looking forward to a new start. However its going to be hard work. That's OK I believe I need it. Still no one is committed to help for the big items. Hopefully that will come in time. I already have one load of boxes packed my SUV to unload after work. So wish me luck on the move.

My cousins surgery sounds like it went well for the most part. He has allot of recovery time ahead of him. I was able to talk to him and he sounded good. He is on some major pain meds so of course he did right??? I am thinking he will be out of the hospital in a week. As for the rest of them after this past weekend they are still mental in my eyes. Gheesh!

I got a lunch visit from LR today. He actually bought me his half of the car insurance. He then asked me if I wanted to go to lunch and I replied no but I would sit and talk with him. I just proceeded to blast him about how fucked up he has made things and how much of a waste he has become. He admitted I was right and the told me about how his girlfriend dumped him for no reason. Can you fucking believe he went there with me???? I told him she was trash just like he was but maybe she has woken up. This girl is a complete fuck up and drug addict. I just went on and on with him about how he screws over everyone in his life and and always will. Told him he lies etc. etc. etc. He kept on trying to hold me and hug me and I just kept pulling away. I know it was stupid to blast him like I did but it made me feel better to vent. I told him it was a shame he was seeming more upset over her dumping him than he was over losing his wife, child and home. It kinda made me question myself. Is there something wrong with me? I have to keep telling myself he is a sick man.

Keep smiling I tell myself, things have to get better. With a little hard work my daughter and I will have a roof of our own and a new start. Every now and then I will have to deal with jackass but at least I know he wont be entering my space ever again.

Until next week my friends...

The title of this blog says it all...

All I can say today is I have a very fucked up life. This weekend was just crazy. Its no wonder I have to have a drink every now and then. Where or where do I begin???

Lets start with Friday. Hummm I didn't do anything but hit the movie store and subway and stayed in with my daughter. I was exhausted do to lack of sleep from Thursday. It was nice just chilling out at home.

Saturday is when I should have just stayed the hell home. My daughter went with my stepmother for the evening so I had all day. Due to my cousins surgery my family was to all get together and have something for him. I first went to lunch with two of my dearest friends and had a wonderful time. Then I stopped in and had a drink with a ex-boyfriend because I had heard his son was in a bad accident. It was nice to see him and hang out. It came time for the party for my cousin and I invited him along. He knows my family so it was cool. Well this is where it goes down hill. My family is soooo fucked up I just cant believe it anymore. They are all drinking and carrying on when I arrive. I am not. So its a little annoying and J (my X) is just like what in the hell. But we stay for my cousin and everyone is doing fine. We then head to the local bar and see LR's vehicle and we had to choose another bar. Yeah right??? no money but at the bar. This is the good part, at the bar my uncles announces that my aunt has stated she thinks my uncle either has a thing for me or she thinks something has gone on. WHAT THE FUCK???? I real quick change the subject. Drunk people and conversation like that I knew bad things could happen. Not that I didnt want to address it but that wasnt the time or the place. I am pissed today thinking about it. How could she think that??? Then a little while after that my cousin starts in about how he doesnt want J and I together. Again WHAT THE FUCK??? He was great when he was paying for him to come and hang with us and buying dinners and beer and giving us a place to stay so we didnt have to drive home. I just stood up and said enough I am taking you all back to the house. So I dropped there asses off and J and I headed back to his town and hung out. In case you are wondering yes we hooked up and had sex. I have to admit it was nice. I havent had sex in 5 months and it was nice to be with a man again and be wrapped up in his arms. I know it wasnt the right thing to do but I think we both know we needed it.

I just cant believe everything that occurred that night and how much of a mess my family is. I dont have much family and I think I just lost them. I wont feel comfortable around them anymore knowing what she thinks. I am down to one aunt I think I cant on now. What a complete damn mess. Its true you can only count on yourself.

Sunday I just stayed in my house and did not leave and hung out with my kid. She is my sunshine in this crazy ass life. At least she is sane for now.

Tonight I hope to get the key to my new place. Keep your fingers crossed for me that this goes smoothly.

It's Friday

OMG- Thank goodness it is Friday. I am so fucking exhausted. It finally happened, I ran out of oil around 12:30am. I kept hearing the furnace kick off and on and it woke me up. So yes I have no heat and I dont move until the 28th. I am going to have to just bundle up the kid and I in the evenings and live under blankets. Its a 100 gallon minimum to have oil delivered and all be damned if I am paying 300.00 for one weeks worth of oil for asshat to have in case he comes back into the house once I am gone. Plus I just plain up and down dont fucking have it. I had to pay jerkoffs half of the car insurance again. I am not a happy camper today. So after next week I am just going to say screw it and get a new policy with just my vehicle on it and take the fine from MVA when he gets caught driving with no insurance. I really hope it doesnt come to that but there is nothing else for me to do. I am tired of paying for his fuck ups. YES I am also physically tired from 3 hours of sleep damn it.

I am proud of myself I got allot of packing done last night. I just have the kitchen and bathroom left to do and we use most of that stuff. I also need to catch up on some more laundry but that is what the weekend is for. I am not doing a damn thing tonight!

Tomorrow I go to visit with my cousin and the rest of my family for the day. He is the one having open heart surgery at 24. So this is the last party for awhile since he will be out of commission. I feel so bad for him. He is a trooper and will get thru it I am sure.

Sunday I will just be trying to pack some more and get ready for a big week of working and painting and cleaning the new place. Ughhh I am tired just thinking about next week.

Cheers!!!

Getting my ass in gear

I have come to the conclusion I have to get my ass in gear. I have been in this F it state of mind for to long. Its pretty obvious that I can only depend on myself and that now someone (my daughter) is depending on me solely. So I am all the two of us have. (Not to much fucking pressure there huh?) With that being said I have to pack and find a way to move our stuff to this new apartment all within a matter of 9 days. Plus I have to call the landlord and see if it is at all possible for me to get in there early so I can paint the place and clean it up to make it presentable for us. The painting and cleaning I am thinking will take 2 days. After seeing if this guy will let me in early I will have to take two days off work to make this possible. I am really praying that my 21 year old cousin can come thru for me and help me move along with a couple of his buddies. I will have to pay them with pizza and beer. But I will be grateful if he comes thru for me. I will see this weekend when I talk to him. So for the next few evenings after work I will be busting ass packing up what I dont need to use along with tons of laundry since I wont have a washer or dryer anymore. Busy person I will be.

On a bright note. My daughter is doing wonderful in school. I received a email from her Science teacher and she has the highest grade in the class. The average is 81% and she has a 99%. She amazed me everyday that she is doing so well when her world has been a mess for the past few months. That is another reason to push me to do what I have to so she can stay in the school district. She is the bright spot in my life. Thank god for her.

I have been feeling depressed and down but its time to turn it all around with a little hard work!!!

Fuzzy Head

Yes, Ok, I know I shouldnt have stayed out late last night but I was having a good time and meeting new people. My daughter was with LR's mom yesterday and was staying the night so I was able to go the bar where they were throwing a NASCAR viewing party. I havent watched a race in over a year. So it was kinda cool. Got to see my friends and unwind. But yes I am tired now and just want a nap.

This weekend was nice. My daughter and I just hung out both Friday and Saturday nights. I took her to shop for a new outfit and shoes for VD day. I really didnt have the money but I am not having her go without because I am in a fucked up situation. I am really worrying about her. She was invited to a sleep over and she chose to just stay home and hang with me. I know when I was her age I would have never done that. I just dont know what to think about that or if I should worry at all. I am kinda thinking everything is getting to her and she just wants to be clingy right now. On the other hand I was happy to have her around all weekend. I didnt do any packing and I know I should have but my attitude over all of this has just been "fuck it" I dont want to do this and I hate having everything on me. Shit I dont even know how I am moving. I have no real help or trucks. I need men to help move the big items and I just dont have it. So I did nothing!! Its the wrong attitude to have and I know it.

As for LR he never called our daughter on VD day and that really pissed me off. However when I called LR's mom this morning he actually answered the phone. So that means he is at least there visiting her. I guess that is a good thing since he hasnt spent any time with her in awhile. I did tell him that its car insurance time again and that I need it by the end of this week. He told me he had to buy a battery and all so unless unemployment gets him more money he wont have it. I told him I dont care I dont have his half. I have to call them and see if I can only pay for my vehicle if he doesnt come up with his share. He is such a waste of a person.

This week I guess I am just going to have to buckle down and get some packing done and call some people and see if I can get help. Man I fucking hate asking people for help. It makes me feel like I owe them then. Especially men. But I have to do this. Its survival now.

100th Post

I really cant believe this is my 100th post. Really it has been nothing but a bitch fest about my F'd up life and everything that has been happening over the years. With that being said it has really been very therapeutic for me to let all of this out. So I thank you to whomever has read my blog and I hope some of you can relate and maybe leave your comments.

So yesterday my daughter was sick with a stomach virus and was really upset and in pain. She really (knock on wood) doesnt get sick and only misses maybe one day a whole school year. Yesterday was it. Thankfully she was better this morning and I havent heard anything from the school. I guess all is well. I gotta pray I dont get it.

Now for the Asshat update. Wednesday I actually saw him. It has been since the Saturday after Christmas . Anyway he called me and was asking if he had received anything in the mail from the unemployment office. He asked me to open it so he would know if it was his card. I didnt know that you dont get a check anymore, they give you a VISA check card to use. Who knew???
He said he only had enough gas to come to the house so he needed to check first. So he shows up a hour and half later. OMG he looked like shit. He had lost 50 pounds I am guessing, and looks like a crack addict. He was shaking and shit. It was just horrible. He kept on staring at me and wanted to talk and ramble on. He reached out to hug me. It was just awkward. I had to tell him I didnt want to talk about his life or know anything about it. That we need to stick to just talking about our daughter and stuff with the house. He just kept on wanting to hang around and I had to tell him just to go. I had a friend over who was looking to buy some stuff furniture off of me and I didnt want him to know what we were talking about etc. Plus why in the hell did he want to stick around and be all nice and lovey. Oh, he did finally admit that he was using drugs..however he states he is clean now. I wonder if has only been clean because he had no money. Now he does, so time will tell. It was just a mess. So he goes to leave and his Jeep wouldnt start. Battery was dead....what the fuck???? So I had to jump start it and of course another good bye hug.

I just dont know how to handle all of this stuff. He needs to just leave me alone. I already have to much bullshit to deal with. All of which he has caused. It did break my heart to see how bad he has become physically and I know its his fault. But anyone would be a heartless bitch if they saw someone who needed help and they just couldnt help them anymore.

Today is Friday and I am looking forward to the weekend. I plan on packing over Valentines Day and Sunday of course watching the Daytona 500. I am not a huge Nascar fan but I like to watch it with some good friends and food. My daughter will be with her Grandmother over night that day so I can have a little fun.

Oh yea.. I did get some roses sent to my house for V-day from the neighbor up the street. He just doesnt give up. I gotta find a way to stop this. He is a great friend but I just dont want to lead him on. I thought I was clear but apparently I wasnt.

To a great weekend....

A new start

Were to begin. Well I went a looked at the apartment Saturday morning as Friday night did not work out. It is very small and the building is run down. It is basically the attic. But it does have two small bedrooms so my daughter and I could have our own privacy. The landlord is willing to do this on a month to month basis and allow me to take my cat that I have had for 11 years. So my mind is a little more a ease. I am still scared I wont be able to do this on my own but at least I am not trapped in a year lease. So I take the apartment March 1st. Oh I also have to paint the place myself if I want and he will buy the paint. I also have to figure out how to move a 3 story house into a 3 room very small apartment. So that was ok I guess.

Saturday evening I went and saw some of LR's family who I am still close with and friends with. We partied outside since it was nice and then I met up with E and A at bar and continued to have a good time and let off some steam. Sunday I had lunch with my aunt whom I hadnt gotten to spend time with in months. She had my daughter Saturday night which was great as they use to be really close until my aunt got a boyfriend. In case you hadnt guessed they have since split up allowing her time to spend with us again. Which is a win/win in my book cause we are really close.

As for LR there has been no word from him since he told me there was nothing he could do about the checking account he screwed up. I did however hear from his mother who is really pissed off over how is acting and being as a father. She told me he is on a mission to destroy himself. Her and I both agreed this is all just stupid and he needs to straighten himself out. There was something she told me though that struck me the wrong way. She told me to stop being angry...so I thought about it.....How in the hell can I stop being angry when my fucking world has been destroyed? I am losing my home and going to the slum ville in a trailer park neighborhood, my marriage has been destroyed, I have been cheated on, I have a cancer worry, my child lost a father, and I am not getting any support. I think I have a right to be a little pissed off at him and sort of the world. So I say Fuck it I can be mad if I want to right now. I am still being responsible and raising my daughter. Plus I am doing it on my own. I may fail here real soon but I am doing it. I think she meant when I am talking to her about him. But what the hell ever I can be mad at him.

What more can I say? Its what I am right now. If you dont like...I dont care.

Asshat Again

Right before I left work yesterday I checked my messages to see if LR's bank answered my request to take my name of the account. You know the one that is overdrawn by $450.00, the one that he hasnt paid back and is now affecting me. Well yes they did reply and stated that they were sorry that they could not do it until the money is paid back. FUCK! They also stated that since the account has been overdrawn for over 30 days that a notice will go out to all banking institutions to not allow either of us to open a new account or cash our checks. Fuck again! I currently have a account with another bank and have had one for years since things have gone bad with us. I am now afraid my bank is going to freeze my account and money as well as return all the checks I write. I dont understand why he never had my name removed. So I call everyone yesterday trying to find LR. He finally calls me at 7:30 and he is drunk (of course) He says he doesnt know what to do and that he has been trying to do the right thing. Yea right...he is drunk. In my opinion if he can drink he can help support his daughter and pay his bills. So I just went off. Who knows if he will fix this.....Drama I hate it. Even when I leave him and dont see him for months he still screws up my life even more.

As for the apartment I saw last night. All I can say is there is no way in hell that is going to work. It was suppose to be a one bedroom and it wasnt even that. It was also disgusting. So on so many levels I was disappointed yesterday. Shoot yesterday should have been Friday the 13th. I am going to look at another one tonight. This one claims to be a 2 bedroom. I am keeping my fingers crossed.

For the rest of the weekend I have no idea what I am going to do. Maybe it will just be a quiet weekend with no drama at all. Or all hell could break loose.

Confused!

So here is the deal. I am getting a nervous and confused. More like I just dont know what to do. I have called about a apartment that is within the school district of my daughter and is really cheap considering. I told you all about it earlier this week. Here is the problem. I am not sure if its the right thing to do. I really dont have the money for it. I know I can shuffle bills around and make it work "I think". Actually I am just confused and I am nervous. The only other option I have is to move to PA and live with my family who is also in financial distress and are taking care of my 24 year old cousin who is about ready to have heart surgery. So can I really go there???? I JUST DONT FUCKING NO WHAT TO DO!

Man this sucks. I hate the way my life is turning out. And I would really like to just shoot my ex for not helping out at all with his responsibilities.

Ok what do I do????? I go tonight to look at it.

Hump Day

Its good old Wednesday and man has this week just dragged on. I have had a headache for the past two days and it just doesnt seem to want to go away. Not that I am sick or am having bad days its just been this constant ache. I just went and grabbed some extra strength Tylenol and am hoping that works.

LR actually called me Monday evening and surprisingly he was sober. We talked for 25 minutes and didnt yell or fight with one another. That is a record. However I think he has realized what in the hell is happening around him now. He advised me that he got laid off from his job on Thursday. Surprise!! who didnt see that coming. He also said he tried to file his taxes and they advised him he owed to. He was hoping to use his return to move as well. That is why he hasnt moved his stuff because he doesnt have any money or job. Welcome to my world jackass. However I have a job but I am supporting our daughter and paying bills so no money for me. I told him he needs to go file for unemployment then and start looking for job. He advised me that with no phone thats going to be hard. He asked about the phone I was paying for him of course I said hell no. I cant even believe he would ask about that phone. So typical. What in the hell has he done for me???? I didnt tell him child support papers would be arriving any day now. I wanted him to file for the support. That way maybe I had a chance of at least getting a few dollars a month.

As for everything else in my life....well due to the stress my face is breaking out like a 13 year old, I am hating that. But what can you do but chug water and wash your face some more. My daughter is wonderful and I cant wait to go look at that apartment tomorrow night.

Ok I havent done this in awhile but its time for inappropriate comment time. My girlfriend approached me today and said she was going out with her boy toy on Saturday night. He offered to drive but she told him:

"No I want to take my van so we can pull over along side of the road and have sex"

Come on now again I didnt need to know that. The funny part is they are both in there late 30's and live at home. So I guess they gotta get it where they can. But I didnt ask her or bring up this subject. So what the fuck? Quit telling me details about your sex life. Watch on Monday I am going to hear all about it. I gotta work on a nice way to say stop.

Ha ha ha. I tell ya its never boring around here.

Weekend Whirlwind

On Friday I was a little all over the place and not in a good state of mind since talking to the doctor and just over everything that is going on in my crazy ass life. So I went out and maybe I shouldnt have, because I did drink a little to much and I did drive. Before you say it yes it was wrong and should not have happened. I thought I would have a ride and things just didnt work out that way. When I arrived at the place I hang out I should have known the night was going to be crazy because there was a fight and people kicked out before 8:30pm. So because of my attitude and things not working out the way I hoped I went and hung out with E and her friends. Yes E is the girl LR had a affair with and also was the boss's daughter. I have told you all before that we started hanging out and so on. We did end up having a good time. Although her friend was throwing up all over the place. To funny! Who would have guessed we would be talking and hanging out like this.

Here comes the downward side were I started to have a break down. I get up Saturday saying "yea I am getting my taxes done" Thinking this is how I am going to move and put some money in my pocket and start over. Nope!! not at all. I actually owe $1,000 now you tell me what in the hell am I going to do. I thought filing separate and claiming my daughter I would be in the good. However, because I took out my 401k (and yes I took taxes out of that) it threw me into a higher earning tax bracket. So I owe. When I got into the car I literally started to have a mental break down. How in the hell am I going to be able to move? How am I going to be able to afford to pay my taxes? What in the fuck am I going to do? I just couldnt take anymore. Then I am thinking shit LR is suppose to come and move his stuff out so I couldnt even go home and just cry. So I went to pick up my daughter from my step-mom and did cry to her explaining what had happened. God bless her. She took us to lunch and said she would help me with the money. So if I can find a place I can get first months rent and security deposit.

When we got home LR had not been there at all and still hasnt come by. So I am wondering were the "big boy" is and what the hell happened. He doesnt have a phone anymore so did he get fired and realized he couldnt move in with this guy or what? I still havent heard anything.

Sunday I said fuck it. I had to get out of this mood so we had free movie coupons and went to see a movie. While I was out E sent me a text about a apartment that is within the school district and close to were she lives. I called about it today and am going to see it on Thursday. It sounds like a dive but that is really all I can afford. Its a one bedroom so I guess if all goes ok of course my daughter will get the bedroom and I will hit the couch. Ewwhh. But I gotta do what I can. I really hate LR for making shit this difficult for me. If he would help me I wouldnt be a mess right now.

Any way that was my weekend. I am going to keep positive and hope this apartment will be alright and try to think of this is a rough start but still a new start.

Today's quote

~Self-worth is not measured by what you have materialistically but how you have presented yourself when confronted with difficult situations.~