I am so sick of drama

Well I never did get to go out this weekend as I hoped I would. I did get out for just a few Friday night while I waited for my daughter to get home from the movies. It was pretty much typical I was approached by someone (a guy) who knows LR and myself and stated that LR is blaming me etc. for all of this, however, this guy did state he knows this is crap because he also sees how he is and how is is with other woman. At least I now know I am not crazy. While I was broke this weekend and doing things with our daughter. The stupid asshat I am married to was out partying and spent $327.00 in booze this weekend. I am also thinking he is back on cocaine. He has dropped a awful lot of weight in these 7 weeks.

It really pisses me off that I go broke doing things with our daughter and making sure she has what she needs and he is off partying it up and wasting money like that. Mean while at the end of this week we will be behind 2 months in mortgage. He didn't come home again this Saturday night and when I came back from the store and my families on Sunday he was already passed out cold and it was 6:45pm. So obviously he drank the whole time. I hate my daughter seeing that shit.

I approached him last night and just told him everything I was thinking. Told him to go ahead and just move out. He is more of a pain in my ass and doesnt contribute a fucking thing to the house or to our daughter. I asked him to remember when was the last time he spent even 15 minutes with our daughter and really did anything with her. I honestly cant remember. I also told him all about how I felt about his piece of shit family. He couldnt really say anything as he knew I was right. So I am hoping he is working on finding a place to move to.

I am taking a deep breath and wishing for my prayers to be answered. One good thing is coming my way and I have gathered up a group of people to go out on Halloween and I cant wait. Getting a hotel so no one is drinking and driving. Damn!!! you can drink responsibly. See LR. And I dont do it all the time so I can go out with a clear conscious and have a good time. Lets hope these plans dont get screwed up cause I really need to let off some steam. Oh and the other woman and I might meet up that night to for drinks again. ha ha out of this I may have gained a friend.

Nothing new really

Not a whole lot has changed since my last post. LR is still pissed and is a bear to be around. (when he is there) For instance last night he went out drinking and came home around 9:30 pm and proceeded to send me text messages. They started out asking me out for a date. When I shot him down they turned nasty. Saying things like "you make me sick", "leave me alone", and "I hope your friend gets hit by a truck". I am still wondering what friend he was talking about. When the nasty ones started I never responded to him. Yet they kept on coming. They finally stopped close to 11:00 pm. So I am tired once again.

I am praying for a nice weekend. By babysitter fell thru for Saturday. That is bummer because I really needed a night out. I think I will be able to go out for happy hour tonight and catch up with some friends. I wont be able to stay out as my daughter will be just spending a couple hours at a friends b-day party. And I of course have to work OT tomorrow morning. Someone has to.

Just keep your fingers crossed that no drama this weekend. Geesh...what am I talking about this is my life. Duh of course there will be drama until I move out. Someone smack me if I ever go back again.

So he is hurt and pissed now

So today LR is pretty ticked off. After we slept together I guess he figured everything was back to normal and the fued would be over. I am not sure why he thought that when I told him before we did it that nothing was going to change. last night he was doing dishes and being all lovey. But I havent received a apology and even been sat down and said ok this is what is going to change this time. Come on now I just dont understand him. This morning he got up didnt say a word to me and just stormed out of the house. He sent me a text message saying he is now sorry for sleeping with me and figures he is just to late this time. Also making it seem like I have some one else. Hell know I dont have anyone. He has made it so I trust no one. I am not dragging some one else into this hell of a life I have. I need to work on myself first and get moved out etc.

This is just so fucked up.

Big mistake I made

The weekend oh were to begin. Friday I had the day off of work and was able to get allot accomplished. Friday evening LR decided to stay home and I guess try and prove a point to me. Saturday morning I had to work. When I came home I realised he had gone thru my stuff and found a card that goes with roses from a guy I was seeing when we were separated. I didnt mean to keep that and thought I had gotten rid of everything when I moved back. But whatever he knew it was from when we werent together. LR then went out that evening and after snooping around I found out that he was with one of the woman I have heard about. Sunday morning he comes upstairs and brings me breakfast in bed. This guy is just to much right? He tells me he isnt sleeping with this girl that she is to fat and they are just friends. She is fat. But I dont believe him. So I head out with my daughter to my aunt and uncles to watch the race and football games. He calls and wants to buy us dinner and watch the game with us. When I do get home there is only a inning left in the game and like $50.00 worth of take out. So duh I am going to eat it. His is a great charmer.

This is where I make the mistake. I fell asleep on his bed watching the game. So this morning he starts fooling around with me, I will admit it was nice and I miss it, I miss the sex and affection. I tell him ok but this isnt going to change it. So we did, we had great sex. Here lies the problem. He has been texting me and acting like we are all better again. So I finally replied that I dont think what we did was a good idea. Obviously. I don't want my heart broke yet again. The is not allot left of me to destroy. He doesn't seem to happy now. What he has to realize is he caused this.

Ah what a way to start a week.

Jo Dee Messina's "Bring on the rain"

"Another day has almost come and gone Cant imagine what else could wrong Sometimes Id like to hide away somewhere and lock the door A single battle lost but not the war (cause) Tomorrows another day And Im thirsty anyway So bring on the rain Its almost like the hard times circle round A couple drops and they all start coming down Yeah, I might feel defeated, I might hang my head I might be barely breathing - but Im not dead Tomorrows another day And Im thirsty anyway So bring on the rain Im not gonna let it get me down Im not gonna cry And Im not gonna lose any sleep tonight"


Jo Dee Messina's "Bring on the rain"

Ever feel like your life has been a joke?

On Monday I received a text message from whom I am calling the other woman, asking me if I still wanted to meet for drinks. This is the woman whom LR went in to the bar searching out about a month and a half ago. The one I have been texting back and forth. The one he says is lying and he never asked her to be back with him. So I reply sure. I knew LR was home and was trying to play good parent after he never came home on Saturday night or has he spent any time with our daughter etc. So when I got there dinner was completed and homework was started. So I replied to her sure what the hell. So I get ready and LR of course has to ask were I was going etc. (side bar I never ask him or call him once he out) So I tell him and the look on his face was price less. He says they are just going to fill your head with shit. You see his step sister is friends with the other woman and is the bartender in there as well. I arrive to the bar and of course we hit it off by rehashing the past couple years with correcting all the lies he has told each of us. I also learned that not only did my sister in law meet with her a couple weeks ago but also my mother in law. Both asking her if she would go back with him. Now isnt she fucking lovely. She and I were really close she said I was a daughter to her and we partied all the time even when LR and I werent together we still hung out and did tons of stuff. She was like a best friend. Also why would she fucking do that to my daughter. Why not work on her son and keeping her granddaughters family together? I was at a loss. The other woman told me tons of stuff that just buried LR even more.

As I am sitting there talkind to her LR is texting me and I am just cracking up. Telling me I should be home its a work night etc. Like me going out one time makes me a horrible Mom. Never mind he stays out until 3:30am or never comes home. What a loser.

I asked him to move out yesterday morning. However he says he cant and wont. So I am stuck there with him for awhile. Great. Last night he actually asked me to go on a cruise or trip with him. He got some offer for free tickets. I just laughed at him and told him to take whomever he is doing now. How can he ask me that after he knows I know everything now. Oh thats right he still denies he has ever did anything wrong. That the three people who told me things about him and do not know each other are all lying on him. I asked him why would they lie and he said he cant seem to figure that out. So I ask him where was he then Saturday night and he wont tell me. That to me is admitting guilt.

I hate him at this point. And just want him out!!!!

You might as well put me in the psycho ward

I just confronted LR about Saturday night and not coming home and hearing he was with another woman and about the third person telling me she knew he was cheating on me and didnt know how to tell me. He says it all not true and that he has been true to me and that I just listen to what I want to hear. Man everyone must be against him. The funny thing is none of these people know each other. So how can they all be out to get him. But all he does is repeat that he hasnt done anything. PLEASE SOMEONE COMMIT ME NOW BECAUSE I AM NUTTS.

The rest of the weekend story

The rest of my Saturday really did not go as I planned it. I returned home after work to find LR was already gone and off on the Harley. Not a big deal as I expected that. Little side bar "the other woman" already heard about LR's fight as she text ed me in the early afternoon. Word spreads pretty quick. So I got a shower and wanted to head to the bar where this fight occurred to get the real story. The story goes that LR in his drunken stupidity grabbed this guy by his shirt and asked him "what the fuck are you looking at" I guess this guy didn't appreciate it and laid him out. Kinda funny in way as I am sure he deserved it.

After getting the story and letting some of the people I have become close with know my side of what has been going on and why I left LR I took off to go to my Uncles party. Well I guess I got there a little to late as they all stared partying at 2:00pm and its not 6:30pm and they are finished and trashed. So I head home and am there by 8:30pm. What a night huh?

While I am out I am hearing from my close friend, the one I was suppose to catch up with while they were doing a bike run. That LR has been with them all day and is crying to her that he hasnt done anything and wants us to work out blah blah blah. So my friend, I will call her T, has been telling him basically everything I have been telling him and she believed she was getting thru to him. However he slips away from them about 8:00pm. She calls me Sunday morning and asked if he made it home. He didn't. So she called his Mom to see if he stayed there or his sisters. He didn't. So she called his phone and he answered and she asked were are you? and his reply is the standard answer he always gives me "I am around". To me that makes you guilty as charged. What has me upset is not that he is with someone, that is typical. But the fact that he is telling people and crying to them and then you go and do this. That pisses me off. He never did come home until 7:30 last night. I ran upstairs as I knew my mouth would just run.

I just want him to get out and let me start a new chapter in my life. I know that will never happen.

And there was blood every where.

It wouldnt be a Friday night if LR didnt go to the bar and do something stupid. Lets start from the beginning I go home and my daughter is making plans with her friends to go to the movies and dinner. She made straight A's and I am very proud so did her girlfriend so they got to do something fun. After she left I headed to the bar to sign the books and get a beer. LR came in right behind me, this was not a problem as we are getting along. I leave after just 2 hours and was home by 8. I had to work today. At about quarter to 12 LR calls all upset and tells me to come outside. So I run down stairs and go to the door and he is covered in blood. He said he was jumped and doesnt know who did it. After calling my bartender friend at the bar I learn once again he lied. He went up to someone and asked him "what the fuck are you looking at" this guy pushed him and LR fell into the edge of the bar breaking his nose. Hence the blood everywhere.
I ask myself when will he stop lying? He said the bartender was lying and that isnt what happened. Yea right! In the end he blamed this on me and said "if we were still together I would have been home with you" Uh, I dont think so that is why we are not together because he runs to bars all the time and isnt home with me.

Let me also state that I talked to a very dear friend of mine and LR's family that I havent spoken to in months and didnt know we were separated. She confided in me that she has known he has been cheating on me but couldnt find a way to tell me. She has nothing to do with the other woman or has really been around. So this must have happened a good few months ago. So I was reassured that I am doing the right thing here. I still hurts to know that. But deep down I already knew. He wont change. I said something to him about this and he said "no I havent cheated on you since you came back. My response "OK Bill Clinton" Why would all of these people be out to lie on him.

Whoooo HOooo like I said in my previous post I am kid free today and after last night I am going to have myself a good time. I dont do this all the time so please dont think I am a hypocrite. You can see by my post I dont do this often. But damn it today I am going to do it right. I need it. Blog about it later!!!!

Can't Wait!

Whoo Hooo I found a sitter for Saturday. Now I can't wait. Finally get to have some adult fun and let my hair down and forget about my shit life for awhile. I do have to work Saturday morning but by the time I get home my daughter should be gone. She is staying with my step-mom. I didnt even have to ask if she could watch her she called me. So that is a plus. Hopefully they will find shoes for my daughters Halloween costume. Keep your fingers crossed.

As for LR and I we are speaking to each other and talked about his family last night. Mainly his F'd up father. He is a real winner. Apparently the only reason he came over on Monday was to ask him for money. He didnt care that we are broke and behind on our bills and have a young daughter. That man is so selfish. I really feel for LR and now see why he is so messed up. Well I cant say that his family is just a mess I have seen it for awhile now. But I am still not sleeping with him and we dont make plans together. Hopefully we can keep this a friendship thing and not argue. I think we can do that if he leaves me alone while he is drinking. He will still slip in occasionally when he isnt drinking and ask me to lay with him and hold him and just sleep but I dont want to get that way with him. Its easier if that wall is up. I dont seem to get hurt that way. Although I am missing sex in a great big way. I am starting to dream about it (at least I am getting in my dreams). I am not use to going this long without it. Even when we seperated and I moved out I was quick to have a friend with benefits. I have never gone a whole month in many many many years. I am going to have to fix this real fast.

Again I am psyched about this weekend. Damn its been awhile since I have just been me and partied. Been to damn responsible. Hoping to find someone to let me ride on the back of there bike for this even on Saturday so I dont have to drive backer for the group. If I dont being backer is alright to. Just a couple more days to go.

The unknown

Well I still dont know if LR has a job today or not. As of last night he told me they dont know anything yet that maybe tomorrow he will know more. Cant tell you how that will screw things up more. Bills are already tight and he just now paid Septembers mortgage. As you know I am trying to get out of there. Who knows maybe this is a sign for us to just ditch the house and go our separate ways. Our credit is already screwed due to all of the drama this past year.

Another glitch is LR's father is now back in town. He is also a drunk and a mess with no job and hasnt had one in awhile. I think I wrote about him before. I just thank goodness he isnt staying with us this time and mooching off of us. Last time he stayed with LR's sister and ran up a hell of a phone bill and then left. Well the great one is back. So I can expect weekends again will be filled with even more drama added to this mix.

I have been asked to a couple party's/events this weekend so I guess I have to get on the horn and look for a sitter for my daughter. Ahhh to do adult things. Cant wait to just relax amongst friends and escape from this hell I have been in. (for a little while at least I do have to go home...blah)

Just when you think it cant get any worse...

Just when you think it cant get any worse LR just called and said there is a good chance he is losing his job. Great right? What the fuck am I going to do now?

Same old shit.

Yep this weekend was like any other. LR did his drinking thing at the bars and driving home completely shit faced except this time on the motorcycle. He wont learn at all. When he does come home he insist on doing what I call "drunk talk" to me and insisting he hasn't done anything wrong. Same old speech just different weekend. This is what I hate the most. He doesn't realize that what he is doing is what caused the break up. Running to bars, whoring around and driving home drunk and disrupting the house hold. He sounds like a 3 year old when he says he wont stop now since I wont take him back. He was doing this when we were together so I just tell him to get out of the room and go pass out. I hate him sounding childish. I am not sure if he saw the other woman or not I didn't really speak to her this weekend. Wonder if I will hear from her today.

This weekend however I knew he was with his mother on Saturday night and I called her and cussed her since she let him drive home drunk on the bike. Which is over 40 minutes away at 11:00pm at night when the deer are horrible this time of year. She insist no one could stop him. I beg to differ. I am tired today since LR came in late and drunk last night and kept me up. Damn I have to move.

A good point about this weekend is my daughter and I went to this awesome Apple Harvest festival and had a great time. The weather was perfect and I got to spend time with my aunt and uncle that I don't get to see much since they live farther away. I cant wait for next years festival. I am definitely taking money everything was so much cheaper.

So starts another week...wonder what will come my way. I know I have to work this Saturday to get extra money. I am hoping for a sitter for after work on Saturday so I can go to a adult party my Aunt is throwing. It would be great to get out and NO I am not asking LR he would just be drunk. So I am keeping my fingers crossed.

Happy Monday!!!

Weekend is here....

This week has been such a roller coaster ride. LR and I are of course still on the outs. However now he has turned into just asking for sex all the time. There is no "Hay I miss you" or " I love you" its just simply him wanting sex. He also continues to think he is the victim and he did absolutely nothing wrong. So I just blow him off. This is harder than I thought just living with him. I am hoping this weekend goes a little smoother than the last.

I am still talking to the other woman. You know the old saying "keep your friends close but your enemies closer" Well that's the mission now. Its still in the back of my head that she can be using me as well. Whatever right?

LR's mom and I spoke yesterday and I told her I am really worried about him. The drinking and driving and suicide talk has me really concerned. I have this gut feeling that something awful is right around the corner. She sounded upset and like she knows its coming as well. I hate having to live my life this way because I know god forbid is something does happen I will blame myself again just like I did with my father. I have moments where I just want to give in and say we are OK now, but on the other hand I don't want the rest of my life to be this way. The other woman and running all night at bars is just to much. But worrying about him is also to much. A big part of me regrets coming back. If I didn't the other woman would be dealing with this.

Anyhow my daughter is doing great in school so I am taking her Halloween shopping this weekend and maybe to dinner tonight and getting her hair cut. Man she is growing up. She has this little boyfriend (I know the mother) and he bought her a pair of ear rings yesterday she was so happy and cant stop talking about him. She really is the sunshine in my life right now.

I wish anyone who is reading this a great weekend. (I have a feeling no one is) But if you are happy Friday.