Happy Holidays

Just wanted to wish anyone who maybe reading this a Happy Holiday. I wont be posting much until after the New Year as I am on vacation and doing family things. Wish me well as I have to deal with the Ex first thing in the morning at my house. At least he is coming to see his daughter. I can suck it up for a day.

You try to do good and drama...

I realize it has been a few days since I have posted any information but I havent felt that good and the holidays really get me down. So here is the latest.

I have tried to keep to myself and just do my own thing. However I am finding that drama stills follows me. For instance...I went into my local bar on Saturday afternoon to see what in the hell is being said about me since my last drunk escapade in there. My daughter was at a friends house and I knew I was only going in for a couple and then bail out. While I was in there a regular came in that I am going to name J. J is a guy that also knows the Ex. Any ways there were a bunch of people in there and we were all doing the usual bullshit chatter about the holidays etc. As time rolls by J made a comment that he came by the house late one night about a month ago. I think to myself "ahhh that is who was banging on the door". I told him no I didnt know that and why would you come by. His response was "well why not?". "SHIT" I think to myself. J has a live in girlfriend who I find to be a complete bitch but that is besides the point. I dont have anything to do with men who are hooked up in any way shape or form. J proceeded to inform me that things have been bad for awhile and she is now sleeping in another room and has been for awhile. I do know this to be a true statement but still. I leave and pick up my daughter and we are home no more than 20 min and J shows up at the house. Of course I let him in and we talked for awhile. I lay ed it all out on the table that I am having nothing to do with him and to check back with me when she moves out. Fucking drama. I did nothing to bring that on. You can believe that because I want to keep in good graces at my local hang out. I decided to keep my stupid antics away from the home front. HA ha ha.

Lets move on to Sunday. It was a normal day I took my daughter to the mall did some laundry and just kicked back. Later that night right before bed the Ex calls and states he went and had "some words" with my sister in laws man. It seems he hit her again. OK what in the hell did I do to ask for that drama to be placed on me. I didnt want or ask him what he did this weekend. I got off the phone as quickly as possible. I dont think he understands that I dont want to know anymore. I dont want that drama. I dont call him unless it has to do with our daughter. In the past 2 months I called him 2 times. He will get a call next month that I am filing support because I looked at his account this morning. The man spent $281.00 in two days at the bars and I havent seen a dime in over 2 months. Big douche bag.

Any how what it boils down to is the fucking drama just wont go away. Please help me and take me away to a warm island where I can sit with a fruity drink on the beach all day. I am only asking for a week. Please.

Whewwwww!

Today's blog is going to be a little different than my usual bullshit rants about my ex. By the way nothing has changed in that department. Here we go.....

Yesterday on my way home from work I got to thinking about a dear friend of mine who use to be my neighbor. Her and I are the same age and have tons in common. We even married the same type of man. However she choose to stay with her man after his cheating ways and he still drinks like a fish. I cant judge her at all as I have taken ass hat back a few times. She is also a hair dresser and I needed my hair cut in a bad way. So I figured lets kill two birds with one stone, her and I can catch up and she can cut my hair. So I offer to buy a pizza for her kids and get a couple beers and toss her a couple bucks if she comes over and hangs out for the evening and cuts my hair. She totally went for it. You see she has two young kids 5 and 2 and hardly ever gets out of the house and has girl time. When she lived next door it was great we hung out all the time and did this. I couldnt wait to see her and catch up on things. WOW!!!! when they showed up it was crazy. Her kids are wild as monkeys and I guess I never really cared before because we always kept if over at her house and I never cared. They were jumping on beds and jumping all over my daughter and driving her crazy and they ran circles in my house. Basically they destroyed my house. Love my girlfriend to death she tried to keep them in check but she has lost that battle. They stayed about 4 hours and when they left my daughter and I looked at each other and just went "Ahhhh". We were exhausted. My daughter is 12 and has always been a great well behaved kid. Dont get me wrong she has had her moments as all kids do but I could take her anywhere and she never acted like that. Not even in her own home.

That takes me to this point. I was 21 when I got pregnant. I could not imagine getting pregnant in my thirties as most of my friends are right now. Just like my girlfriend from last night. I cant imagine having young kids at this age. No patience at all for that shit. I am happy knowing when I turn 40 my kid will be 18. Who knows maybe thats why her kids are out of control. When I had my daughter I guess I had enough energy to work and still stay on top of her and make sure she did act right. Dont get me wrong I didnt beat her or anything but I also didnt let her get away with any bullshit. For that matter I still dont.

God bless all you thirty somethings that are just now starting your families. I thank the lord I started when I did. I like being one of the youngest mothers in my daughters class and that her grandparents are still young as well. Not that you all are doing anything wrong I just know I couldnt do it at this age.

Wheewww.

The Ass Hat

Yes the ass hat can still bring me to tears. I fucking hate that about him. Why can't he just let it go and leave me alone? LR called last night with the same old line saying he just wanted to hear my voice and basically feeling me out and seeing if I am giving in. I didn't! He calls this morning again saying the roads are bad due to ice and was telling me some things I needed to do to the house since the temperatures are below freezing now. The conversation quickly turns to us and I end up in tears. The tears came from me explaining to him why I am not taking his ass back. He is making this all my fault that we are not together. Yes, I told him to get out, however, I had good reason. Duh! he was calling other woman, drinking all the time and lying constantly to me. This isnt the first time. So I kept on asking him what has changed? Whats different this time? I then ask him tell me the last time we had a good time together were we both were not drinking? He couldnt do it. He just kept saying he loved me. Well I have quickly found out that love just isnt enough.

I told him to remember just a year and a half ago when I gave up everything and moved back in with him after the accident. Believing every word he said about how this time it would be different. Within 3 months he was calling the other woman again and drinking heavily. I stuck it out for over a year because I didnt want to put my daughter through this bullshit all over again and I knew the other woman was having nothing to do with him. But it still wasnt right. Now there has been a couple woman that he is messing with along with whisky and possibly drugs. Who in the hell would want all that back? He keeps saying he will get help. I have heard that to many times.

It really sucks to know that your husband has had sex with more woman during your marriage than you have slept with guys in your entire life. It also suck ass to know that the person you are suppose to depend on and trust the most in your life has broken your trust time and time again and has caused you to not even trust your own family. I vent my feelings on this blog because I dont trust anyone talk about these things. Its sad when one person has caused you to become this crazed fucking fruit cake.

Even if he was to get help and go into rehab I still wouldnt take him back as I am realizing we have way to many other issues on our plate. I dont wish anything upon him but I do wish he would leave me alone and only call and talk about our daughter.

Heres to a life of sanity from now on. Damn it where is prince charming when you need him?

Feelings

This is such a "Duh" statement but being alone just sucks sometimes. I mean I feel like a 80 year old nun. No sex, no companionship, work, home, and sleep. Same routine every fucking day during the week. Don't get me wrong I have been out partying for the past couple weekends and sure you can take a guy home from the bar but what is that getting you? No where but drama and someone getting there feelings hurt in the end. Right now it wouldn't be me. The ex has me not trusting and a slight bit of hatred for morons. I really need to stop that because I know not everyone is like him. But he has caused me to lose allot. I cant wait until this part of my life is behind me. Should be just a few more months and everything should fall into place again. I would rather live like the 80 year old nun that live the with him and be miserable. (however I would be getting sex..LOL) Yea he has called already this morning, I didnt answer, he was saying the roads were OK and I should be safe this morning, oh and he loves me. What the fuck is that???? Cant he just leave me alone. How do you screw other woman and then say that to me. Ughhh!

It's hump day and the weather is shitty but at least we are half way to the weekend. Whoo hooo. Right now the weekend is just set up to do things with my kid and wrap presents. Oh the damn house really needs some attention. Its not a mess but I do need to scrub floors and the bathroom. Grocery shopping needs to be done as well. I swear I would rather clean the toilet than grocery shop. I hate that fucking job the most. There is a idea for a business, hire someone to do it for you. I will just suck it up and get it all done this weekend. That way next week will hopefully be smooth sailing. Keep your fingers crossed.

Ta Ta for now!

A early Christmas gift

With all of the stress and pressure I have been feeling lately I received probably the best gift I will get last night. It came from my daughter. She is studying family life in school right now. Last nights assignment was all about self esteem etc. I was to sit down with her and complete a questionnaire/work sheet. I help her with homework every night anyway so that was no big deal. One of the work sheets was to list what you were proud of about yourself, who are you role models and just general questions like that. I wasn't expecting her to put me as a roll model. I really figured after the past couple weeks and her attitudes towards me that she may have thought I was part of the problem in her father and I splitting up and that she just in general didnt put me in the category of a roll model. But she did. All I could do was ask her if that was how she really felt. She said yes. That was the best gift I could have received. I guess I am not doing as bad as I thought or felt. I just love that kid of mine. She made a rough day bright.

Pressure is stressfull.

I have no idea where to begin. This weekend was so fucking unbelievable. Not in a good way either. I know I said I was going to lay low and not drink and just basically chill out this weekend. However, of course I did not do that...
Saturday while I was working LR called me and asked me to meet him when I got off of work so he could shop for our daughter. So I did, he met me in the parking lot at my job and I rode over with him. I figured we could hopefully talk and get the child support and bills settled. I knew as soon as I got the in vehicle that I made a bad decision. He has turned into a maniac. He was hateful and drove like a idiot. Acted like he didnt care what happened. We make it to the mall and walked in silence he got a couple things and then said he was thirsty. So we go to a restaurant in the mall and sit at the bar and he is ordering whisky, plain on the rocks. Its not even 1:30pm yet. Un fucking believable. He hasnt changed at all. If anything he has gotten worse. So of course we start bantering back and forth and I get blamed and told I am sleeping with someone. Ok you shit head you just spent a weekend with another woman, but he claims they didnt sleep together. I am not that fucking stupid. So he takes me back to my truck and then peels wheels out of there and then jumps over curbs and grass to leave the lot. Great this is my place of business. I just headed home.
Once I got home my uncle calls and says my aunt from down the road is coming up and I should go to his house. (my aunts and uncles are very cool not old and we all party together) I told him no but they kept calling me and so finally I gave in. Peer pressure is a bitch. Once I got there we head over to the bar. I use to hang out there when I lived near my uncle when LR and I split up. LR's Mom and step Dad go there to as they live close to by as well. But that didnt worry me as LR told me he doesnt talk to her anymore and he was suppose to have plans. So we are sitting there and sure enough who walks in but LR and his mom. SHIT!!!! so we pick up and go to leave and LR stops me and says no he will leave. I kept on walking out and so does he. My family and I leave and head to another bar down the road. I have also been in this bar with one of the guys I was seeing 2 years ago when LR and were split. My aunt jokes about who else is going to show up. And sure enough in walks my ex. LOL he walks right on by and uses the bathroom and then walks out. I just couldnt believe my luck. I knew I should have just stayed home. I called LR's mom and ask her if LR came back to the bar and she said no. So we all headed back to that bar as it was closer to home and we all knew people in there. The rest of the evening was fine and I ended up having a good time just hanging out with my family and friends. Plus I got to flirt a little bit with this guy I just adore. However nothing is going to become of it because he knows my life is a mess and just cant go down that road right now.
Sunday I wake up and head home so I can get my daughter from my step-mom. We just chill for the day and made dinner etc. Then LR's mom calls and tries to get me to let LR come home. I can understand she wants him to move back home because she hates were he is living and she wants him to get help etc. But she doesnt understand that I cant do it. My marriage has been destroyed. There is no trust there. How can I forgive everything he has done. He isnt going to change or he would have by now. I cant just say "ok come home everything will be ok" because it wont. What is changing? Sure he says he loves me and he wants to come home. But if he truly loved me he wouldnt have destroyed things AGAIN. Yes my life is hard and I have no idea where I am going to live in a couple months and yes it would be easy to just say ok come home. But for some reason this time I just cant do it. I have done that to many times. Maybe my love for him is gone. I dont want anything to happen to him and I think he is the biggest douche alive. But I hate to see him this way and dont want this for him. I wish I had all the answers but I just dont know right now what to do and I hate all the pressure I am receiving from his mother and him. He called me this morning and late last night saying he loves me and wants this to work. Its literally making me ill. I HATE PRESSURE. Leave me alone fuckers!!!!

SOOO Frustrated

My life seems to just be spinning out of control. The worst part is I don't think I can do anything about it. This finally seems to be affecting my daughter. I have had two nights this week were she has turned and thrown major attitude my way were she became really nasty and gone to her room and slammed the door. This normally is not her and the attitude came from right out of no where. They also occurred after LR's appearance Tuesday evening. So that is the only reason I have come up with. I feel sorry for her so I just tell her that I dont understand her outburst towards me and I really dont appreciate it. That if she has something she needs to talk to me about that I am here. That is all I can really do.

After dealing with the second out burst last night, this morning the jackass calls me and wants to know about what to buy our daughter for Christmas and what I had gotten her. I told him what I had and he was shocked and said that I didnt tell him. Well duh he wont talk to me. So I told him that. Then he starts with wanting to come home etc. I hate him for doing this...he is making it all my fault and he isnt doing anything wrong and still claiming he has slept with no one. I soooo dont believe him. He says he will make it so we can keep the house if I let him come back. He never did answer me about the support I am suppose to be receiving. He ended the conversation by saying we should shop together tomorrow for Christmas. What a fucking joke. Hell NO!!! But I do need to talk to him....Hopefully he will call again. Other wise the child support papers are getting filed.

I had the weirdest dream about him last night. I was trying to save him and our cat from something and I dont know what it was. But I just woke up with this extreme feeling to help him, and the damn cat for some strange reason. I am still trying to rationalize that dream.

The weekend is here and I am serious about trying to change my ways. So I am going to work and get my remaining shopping done tomorrow. I will be alone as my daughter is sleeping over with her grandmother and her neice. So maybe I will get some ice cream and watch lifetime. I need a good cry so hopefully something good will be on. Tonight I am taking my daughter to dinner and stop and maybe see a friend. So I am trying to keep busy.

Heres to changing...

Still a douche

LR is still a douche bag. I made the deal with him to bring me oil to heat the house and I would pay his car insurance this month. Figured that would be cheaper for me and it doesn't cost him a thing as he steals it from his company. So he finally showed up last night. I figured great I would get to ask him about the house, bills, and child support and hopefully we could be civil. So he whips in the house like some sort of bad ass and gathers his mail real quick never speaking to me and only telling our daughter hello. He turns getting ready to leave and I said "hay are you leaving? we really need to talk about things blah blah blah." He basically just told me he didnt have time for this bullshit and left in a hurry. So nothing has been resolved he was a a complete asshole and again I got no money or any kind of support from him. I would almost be ok if he got our daughter a coat or something for school or anything at this point. But fucking nothing...he has been gone for months now. How am I suppose to survive and move out? I barely make enough to go day to day now. FUCK! I am so stressed out. The only alternative I have is to file for child support but I am so scared that he will quit his job or totally go off on me. The anger in him last night was just vibrating off of him. I strongly believe he is on drugs.

After LR left last night his mother called me and was basically crying and a complete mess over him. She was telling me a good friend of the family told her that she knows allot of stuff but is unable to tell her because she is his mother and it would destroy her. That confirms it for me that yes he is on drugs and into some kind of bad activity. I did the right thing no matter how hard it is right now. I dont know why this woman is now thinking we are back to being best buds but she was a mess.

Really not sure where to go from here. I promised my daughter I would stay within the school district. I have no where to go anyways and no money. All I can do is file for support and see what he does. I am thinking I will give him until Tuesday to talk to me. Tuesday is my daughters chorus concert and he said he would be there. If he shows I will catch him there and explain what I am about to do. But hopefully I he will man up and call me before then.

Life is so hard. When we are little we cant wait to grow up and when you are grown up you just wish you were little again.

Trust

You see THAT girl, yeah her. She seems so invincible right. but just touch her & she'll flinch.She has secrets & she trusts no one.she's the perfect example of betrayal. cause everyone she trusted, broke her - xanga

I must never drink again

Oh yea you know it. My stupid ass went out Friday night and got so drunk I fucked up and kissed the guy up the street right at the local bar where everyone is now talking about it. I am timing it to see how long it takes to get back to LR. I cant believe I did that. I didnt want to kiss him. If I would have been sober I am sure it would have never happened. However you know how it goes you get drunk and shit happens. So now I am on damage control. Kicking dude up the street to the curb and told him it was not a big deal and that it was nothing. You see he was quick to ask me to dinner yesterday. I am also keeping my ass out of the bar for a awhile and staying at home and just getting packed up and ready for the day to come where I have to move. Ughhh I cant believe I let that happen. I am so embarrassed. How can I talk about LR and then I go and get just stupid drunk where I dont remember everything???? The madness has to stop. I knew I wasnt in the right frame of mind to go out as I was pissed off on Friday. Oh yea E was there...my new partner in crime...she was just as messed up and being talked about.

Ok so Saturday I had to go pick up my daughter from his mother and I ended up having a 2 hour chat with her all about LR and the meeting she had with E. She insist she is a liar and that she never said any of that shit. I just dont know who to believe. So I choose to just hide out and talk to no one. She now knows my side of the story and why I asked LR to leave. I also told her I dont care for her sister (that is who LR is living with) nor do I care for her daughter who is a huge liar. I just dont care what I tell them anymore. I have learned to trust no one.

I got word today that LR is still seeing the skank bartender that he just swore to me on Friday that he hasnt slept with anyone. Well my friend was at the bar yesterday and low and behold LR was dropping her off at the bar...obviously from the night before. He is a mess because just last night he was ringing my phone and then this morning to. I didnt answer either time. How do you do that after you just dropped off your girlfriend. He is sooooo gross. The worst part is that I think I have to see him tonight. He wants to get his mail and bring me heating oil. I pray I get thru this without running my mouth about what I know. Not like I have any room to talk but I went home alone and didnt fuck anyone. So I shouldnt feel guilty.

Ok....just focus...no more drinking....and forget about this weekend.....

Another wonderful morning.

You are suppose to be all happy and cheerful when Friday arrives. However, this morning as I am rushing around getting myself ready and breakfast and lunch ready for my daughter and making sure she is awake and in the shower on time the phone rings.....great! First its my daughters cell and I go over to it (she is in the shower) and I can see that it is my mother in law. Its 6:45 am what in the hell does she want. As soon as it stops ringing my phone ring and its my ass hat of a x-husband. I wasnt going to answer it but I was scared because they both called that something could have happened to someone in the family. NO!!! its just him being him, and on a Friday at that. Ruined my fucking Friday morning. He is saying he wanted to make sure the kid was up and ready for school. My reply "why didnt you call her phone then?". Yea just another excuse. He called back like 2 more times and we did the same old song and dance. Him stating he doesnt want this divorce and me stating he hasnt changed. He hasnt paid a flipping bill in months nor has he given me any money. So where is it all going???? I assume to beer etc. I just cant stand it he says he is worse without me and I tried to tell him he was doing this shit while I was living with him so obviously he needs to do this on his own. He also says he hasnt slept with anyone. I dont believe him he cant live without sex. And he says he doesnt believe me either. Whatever! He has me so stressed out. I hate his calls. They are so dramatic.
Anyway his mother was calling because she wants my daughter to go to this Christmas breakfast thing with the rest of the grandkids. So she is getting her tonight since I have to work in the morning. Maybe I can go to Karaoke tonight with my friends then for a little while. Cant be out late as I have to work early and I dont have any money. As it is I am going to have to bounce a check so I can get a tree. So sad how my life has become. But you have to do what you have to do. My kid will always come first. Fuck her father....

I just feel like shit!

For starters yesterday went pretty well. Nothing really exciting just left early yesterday for our company xmas lunch and then my friend and I went out for a couple beers before heading home to cook dinner, do homework and make cookies with the kid. Then it was off the bed. No phone calls from my jackass of a X or anything like that. But this morning I am just feeling like shit. Not in the sick manner just like shit. Like I just have the blues and I cant figure it out. Maybe its because I looked at my oil tank and realized I will be out of heat soon and we are into December and I know I am going to have to move and I dont have the money or anywhere to go. Its all bothering me. Then the jackass wont talk to me about support or the house and other bills. So "yes" I am freaking out I guess thus causing me to feel like shit today. Oh and I still dont have the results of the test that I took at the doctors last week. Typing this always brings things to light for me.

Lets think of the positive. I do have some xmas shopping done. I have family that I believe loves me even tho they can be fruity at times. I have a beautiful and wonderful daughter. I do have a job and home "TODAY!". I must also still have my looks because this weekend I got called "smokin hot" and then yesterday some guy gave me his business card. That promptly got thrown away. How does a guy expect you to call him when all he does is hand you his card as he sees you are getting ready to leave. And he was at the bar the whole time I was there. I am not calling anyone who does that dumb shit. Shoot I am not calling any man right now. Who needs that bullshit after being married for as long as I have been?

Ok, I am feeling a little better now. Lets hope I can stay this way.

This is such shit

This has just been a shit ass week so far and I am not even half way thru it. Ok on Monday I meet LR's mother to pick up my daughter then I was headed to the mall to get her a new winter coat and outfit for her chorus concert. On the way to mall she informs me that while she stayed with my whacko of a sister in law on Saturday night that she, my niece, nephew and new born niece were all left alone while she and her man of the week went out for the evening. Now I know what you are thinking. My niece is 13 and my daughter is 12. However i dont leave her alone at night and I dont live on top of a mountain with no neighbors let alone with a newborn baby and some bad ass cousins. So I was not pleased or amused at all. Let alone if I was to leave my kid alone while I went out drinking they would run the fucking mouths about me. Then I find out that LR never did come visit her or call her once while she was with his family. He isnt exactly working on father of the year with me. It was a damn holiday weekend come on now.

Skip ahead to yesterday. I get a message from E stating that some guy called her company (ok this is were LR use to work and E is the one he had a affair with and now her and I are talking) looking for him and she stated she gave him my number so that he could get in contact with LR. She said it could be a job offer as he is with a competitor and use to work with LR on joint jobs. So I did, I passed the message by calling LR and I was pleasant and he called me back stating sure enough that this guy wanted a resume sent to him could I do him this favor since I have his resume on my computer. I did it for several reasons. One being the job he has could be ending soon and two this could mean more money for him which could mean he could help me out some more. Plus this could be what he needs to make him better. Then I got to thinking. LR is the type once I start being nice he takes it to mean more than that. Sure enough at 9:30 he calls last night stating he was thinking of me and he misses me blah blah blah. It turns into a discussion that he doesnt like and states that I havent had my child on the weekends since he has been gone. Which is bullshit. I turn it on him stating well you havent even seen your child since you have been gone. He procedes to tell me he isnt going to see her again and he feels he is a embarassment to her. Thats really fucking mature. I am sooo pissed that I cant believe I am married to his idiot. He thinks I am fucking someone. Which we all know I am not. I need to fix me before I drag someone else into my hell. I know he has so why is he on my ass and bringing that shit up. He hung up on me but before he did he started the whole suicide talk stating he cant do this and live like this anymore and that I will read about him in the paper. GREAT just what I need. I hate him for doing that to me. He knows my father did that and at the holidays. He knows how to get to me. I hate now that I am living in hear of that dreaded phone call I may receive. And I will blame myself because I am doing nothing.

Weekend Recap

I am really not sure how I am feeling this morning. This weekend was either what I needed or I am just in a holiday funk. What I am going thru is just really weird. I dont know how to feel anymore.

Where do I begin. On Friday after work I did go out with the other woman whom I am now referring to as E. We went to the local bar with her roommate A whom is also LR's x-stepsister. So I was already walking on shaky ground. Oh...also E's brothers where there as well. I knew them from LR working with them all. I decided to just go with it and just party on. I wanted to go to see that band I was talking about my cold was kinda keeping me down and I wanted to stay local in case I really started feeling worse I could just bail and go the hell home. We ended up closing the bar down and then going to E and A's house to continue on. During this time LR is calling me but I am not answering. He left a message saying we needed to talk. Sometime while I was in the bathroom I tried to call him. Something I wouldnt have done if I was sober. Luckily he didnt answer. I still have not spoken to him but A did call him and he did answer. So now he knows I was with them. Fucking great....he will use that one against me later. I didnt end up getting home until 5:30 am. I have decided hanging out with them is just not healthy. E is a slut ....duh like I didnt fucking realize that she did sleep with my husband. No wonder he went with her she is a drinker who gives it up easily. Not my problem tho right? Really tho she slept with this dork of a guy that night that she just met. Ewwwhhhh. And he was fucking ugly and dorky as hell.

Once I was home I got a few hours of sleep and started thinking about my child coming home and us getting the holiday decorations up. However she never has come home yet. She is still with LR's family. There is no school today so she decided she wanted to stay. Ughhh. I never did leave the house until this morning. I just sat and had time to reflect on how fucked up my life has become. And how I can fix it? how can I move on? how am I getting money? where am I going to live? will I get child support without a fight? what is going to happen to LR? and damn it I really dont have any good friends. Being married to LR it seems that I gave up all my friends. So I am really alone. This weekend just really bought everything to light.

Going thru a divorce is really life changing. Especially when I am losing so much and my credit is shot to shit and I have no money. I resolved nothing this weekend but I learned I have allot to think about.

I hate the holidays. This is the time of year my I lost my parents. Not at the same time. My mom just about 5 years before my dad. For those of you who dont know my mother was killed in a car accident when I was 17 and my father committed suicide on Christmas eve when I was 23. My grandfather also died in December just last year. So me going thru this shit with LR and now the holidays approaching I think I really need to get my shit together and start just putting my all into getting my act together and start packing and doing allot of kid oriented things to get my mind off all the bullshit in my life. Maybe I did need this weekend alone. :)